Palisoul, Iglesias, Eagle, Shillue

  • Season 3, Ep 0310
  • 01/24/2000

Y'ALL GET MADDIFFERENT THAN US.

SEE, BLACK WOMEN GET MADVERY RHYTHMIC.

THERE'S A LOT OF...

YOU KNOW A BLACK WOMAN IS MAD'CAUSE HER NECK STARTS...

( laughter )

YOU THINK HER DAMN HEADGONNA FALL OFF.

( imitating thud )

YOU BETTER HAVE PUT ITBACK ON.

DONE MADE ME LOSE MY M-M-MIND.

BLACK WOMEN CURSE YOUR ASS OUT

NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN,IT'S GOING TO RHYME...

( laughter )

'CAUSE THEY'RE RHYTHMIC.

TELL YOUR ASS SOMETHING,MR. CANDY MAN.

I AM NOT NO CANDY BAR--

NO SNICKERS BAR, NO FIFTH AVENUENO PEANUT CHEW, NO REESE'S CUP.

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT...

WELL, DAMN IT,RIGHT NOW I DON'T.

NOTHING TWO STICKS,OF TWIX CAN'T ( bleep ).

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

NOW, WHITE WOMEN GET MAD, TOO.

JUST DIFFERENT.

SEE, I THINK WHITE WOMEN HAVE

MORE OF A TENDENCYTO BECOME ANGRY.

SEE, THIS? I AM BECOMING ANGRY.

IT'S LIKE A PROCESS.

SEE, 'CAUSE WHITE WOMENWANT TO UNDERSTAND ( bleep ).

THE BLACK WOMEN,THEY DON'T GOT TO KNOW NOTHING.

ALL THEY KNOWIS SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT.

( laughter )

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S NO BETTEROR NO WORSE.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S DIFFERENT.

SEE, A WHITE WOMAN WILL BECOMEANGRY AS THE RESULT OF WHAT?

TRYING TO FIND ( bleep ) OUT.

( laughter )

SO HER EMOTIONS BUILDWHILE INVESTIGATING.

YOU EVER SEENA WHITE WOMAN GET MAD

TRYING TO FIND ( bleep ) OUT?

EXCUSE ME?

NO, BECAUSE I DON'T THINKI UNDERSTOOD

WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST SAID!

SEE? SHE BECAME ANGRY.

SEE? WHITE WOMENARE VERY EMOTIONAL.

BLACK WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL, TOO,BUT BLACK WOMEN GOT TO DETACH.

SEE, THERE'S TOO MUCH OTHERTHINGS GOING ON IN THEIR LIFE.

SO YOU'LL SEE A BLACK WOMANGET MAD, AND SHE'LL UNPLUG IT.

LET ME TELL YOUR ASS...

( laughter )

ARE YOU JUSTA LITTLE DISAPPOINTED

THAT THIS IS HOW I TURNED OUT?

( laughter )

THIS IS IT.

I'M DONE.

SMALL ALL MY LIFE.

I WAS A REALLY SMALL KID, TOO.

I, UH... I GOT BEAT UP A LOTWHEN I WAS A KID

'CAUSE I WAS A, UH... A PUSS?

I'M NOT GOING TO GET ANY BIGGER.

I CAN'T LIFT WEIGHTSBECAUSE, UH...

WELL, THEY'RE SO DAMN HEAVY.

( laughter )

IT'S NOT EASY TO...CAN'T DO IT.

THIS IS ME AT THE GYM.

I CAN'T LIFT IT!

OH, THE HELL WITH THAT.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY JACKS?

AW, THE ONLY THING GOOD FOR MEABOUT BEING A SMALL KID

I DIDN'T HAVE TO RIDE ROLLERCOASTERS UNTIL LIKE LAST MONTH

'CAUSE I WAS NOT TALLERTHAN THE CLOWN.

I DON'T LIKE ROLLER...I DON'T LIKE AMUSEMENT PARKS.

I DON'T LIKE...

WHAT'S SO AMUSINGABOUT ASS-CLINCHING TERROR?

( laughter )

I DON'T GET THAT.

BUT MY WIFE LOVES THOSE THINGS.

AND I RIDE THE RIDES

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HERTO HAVE TO RIDE THEM ALONE

AND WE RODE ONE RIDECALLED "THE FREE FALL."

( cheering )

YEAH.

YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THATSADISTIC PIECE OF...

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

FOUR PEOPLE GET INTO A CAGE.

RIGHT AWAY, THAT SHOULD TELLYOU, "LOOK, GET OUT OF LINE."

YOU GET IN THIS CAGE.

YOU GO UP IN THE AIRLIKE 85 FEET.

YOU COME OUT JUST A LITTLE BIT,AND THEN YOU FREE FALL 85 FEET.

THE ENTIRE RIDETAKES THREE SECONDS.

MY WIFE'S ALL EXCITED.

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, PHIL,IF YOU PUT A COIN ON YOUR KNEE

"WHEN YOU GET TO THE TOPAND YOU FALL

"YOU FALL FASTERTHAN THE COIN DOES

SO YOU CAN WATCH THE COINFLIP IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES..."

ASSUMING THAT YOU'VE GOTYOUR EYES OPEN.

( laughter )

SO I TRIED IT,AND COME TO FIND OUT

IT WORKS PRETTY GOOD

WITH A SCROTUM, TOO.

YOU REALLY...

LIKE, "THOSE ARE MY NUTS!"

GOT TO THE BOTTOM,SHE WAS ALL EXCITED.

SHE SAID,"YOU WANT TO RIDE AGAIN?"

I WAS, "NO, I DON'T WANTTO RIDE AGAIN.

I DON'T HAVE THE BALLSTO RIDE AGAIN."

THAT HAPPENED OVERNIGHT, TOO.

YOU NOTICED HOW THAT HAPPENED?

I WENT, YOUNG GUY, YOUNG GUY,YOUNG GUY, BALD. HEY!

( laughter )

WOKE UP ONE DAY, STARTED TUCKINGMY T-SHIRT INTO MY UNDERPANTS.

DO YOU DO THAT YET?

WHAT THE HELLIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

HEY, THAT'S NICE.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFULGETTING OLDER.

PULLED MY GROIN THE OTHER DAY...

FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

( laughter )

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

HOW ARE WE DOING HERE?

HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S TIME FOR MY KAGELS.

KAGEL? KAGEL?

UH, YOU DON'T KNOW...?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

IT'S AN EXERCISETHAT STRENGTHENS

THE MUSCLESOF THE PELVIC FLOOR

AND WOMEN KNOW ABOUT IT,LARGELY BECAUSE OF CHILDBIRTH

BUT, GUYS, I TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU DO THE...IF YOU DO THE EXERCISE

IT WILL INCREASE YOUR ORGASM.

I DO...

I DO 4,200 A DAY.

YOU CAN LAUGH IF YOU'D LIKE

BUT I CAN KNOCK THE LAMPOFF THE NIGHT TABLE.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD;THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( applause and cheering )

WHOO!

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?

HEY.

OH, HEY, UH...

WELL, LIKE TOMMY DAVIDSON SAID,MY NAME IS GABRIEL IGLESIAS.

I KNOW. I SEE A LOT OF YOUARE PROBABLY WONDERING, RIGHT?

GABRIEL, ARE YOU RELATED TO...

Audience:JULIO IGLESIAS?

JULIO. LADIES,YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT.

( laughter )

OH, JULIO IGLESIAS--I LIKE JULIO IGLESIAS, MAN

'CAUSE HE KNOWSHOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.

HE GO UP TO A GIRL, "EXCUSE ME.

"I AM JULIO.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

AND THE GIRL GETS ALL EXCITED.

( screaming )

RIGHT?

THEY'RE SO HAPPY;I CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN.

I DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.

I'LL WALK UP TO A WOMAN

I'LL SAY THE FIRST THINGTHAT COMES TO MIND:

HEY... YOU HUNGRY?

I HAVE THE LAST NAME IGLESIAS,YOU GUYS, BUT I'LL LET YOU GUYS

KNOW RIGHT OFF THE BAT,I CANNOT SING. UH-UH.

I CAN DANCE, THOUGH.

HEY, DON'T LOOK AT MEIN SHOCK EITHER.

I'M A BIG BOY,BUT I CAN GET JIGGY WITH IT.

( applause and laughter )

SO SWEET LADIES,I WILL GO TO DANCE CLUBS

AND I WILL TEAR IT UP HARD CORE.

THAT'S RIGHT,FOR A GOOD 30 SECONDS.

THAT'S WHY,WHEN I GO TO DANCE CLUBS

I ALWAYS DANCE WITH BIG GIRLS.

THAT'S RIGHT.SO WE FINISH AT THE SAME TIME.

( laughter )

WELL, I WON'TEVEN MAKE IT

TO THE LYRICS.

YOU KNOW, SONG WOULD KICK IN...

♪ HERE I GO AGAIN.

( imitating drum machine )

( wheezing and panting )

( exhales )

HEY.

( laughter )

HEY, GIRL.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

HEY, ARE YOU HUNGRY?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! HUH?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

THAT'S COOL. I'M GLADYOU GUYS LAUGHED AT THAT JOKE.

I TOLD MY MOM THAT JOKE.

SHE SNAPPED.

"AY, MIH IJO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT."

( laughter )

MY MOM IS COOL, YOU GUYS.

I LOVE MY MOM TO DEATH, BUT,WHENEVER I TRY OUT JOKES ON HER

HER FAVORITE RESPONSE IS,"'MIH IJO, I DON'T GET IT.

( laughter )

"UH-UH. YOU'RE FUNNY, I GUESS.

I DON'T GET IT."

YEAH, AND THEN SHE'SALWAYS TRYING, YOU KNOW

TO GIVE ME ADVICEABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

LIKE MY LAST GIRLFRIEND--SHE WAS ALWAYS TRYING

TO WARN ME ABOUT HER, THAT SHEWAS, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT OFF.

AND SHE WAS ALWAYS, "'MIH IJO,DOES SHE GOT PROBLEMS?"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"SHE'S NOT ALL THERE."

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

"IT'S NOTHING ( bleep )."

I WAS LIKE, "MOM, SHE'S GREAT."

"OH... WATCH."

TWO WEEKS LATER,WE'RE AT THE MALL.

WE'RE TRYING TO FINDTHIS NEW STORE THAT OPENED UP.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'REAT THE MALL AND YOU GET LOST?

YOU GO TO INFORMATIONOR THE MALL DIRECTORY, RIGHT?

SO WE CRUISED OVERTO THE MALL DIRECTORY

HAD A LITTLE MAP,HAD A LITTLE CIRCLED DOT

AND INSIDE THE CIRCLED DOTIT SAYS, "YOU ARE HERE."

DO YOU KNOWWHAT MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME?

"HOW DO THEY KNOW?"

( laughter )

WHOO! IT'S COOL.

I LOVE NEW YORK

'CAUSE, IF YOU GET LOST,PEOPLE WILL HELP YOU OUT.

SOME PEOPLE WILL.

I WALKED INTO A STOREOVER HERE ON THE CORNER.

I WALKED IN, RIGHT?

I WAS ALL COOL.

( imitating door sensor )

UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.CAN YOU HELP ME?

I'M TRYING TO GET OVERTO THIS THEATER.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

( Indian accent ):"OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

"I KNOW YOU DID NOT COME HERETO MY COUNTER

"WITH NOTHING TO BUY.

( laughter )

"I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

"LOOK AT ME.

"I AM NOT A DIRECTORY.

"I AM NOT A DIRECTORY.

"YOU SEE MY DOT?

IT DOES NOT SAY,'YOU ARE HERE.'"

MUCH LOVE, YOU GUYS.

( audience shouting )

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M A, UH, JERSEY GIRL MYSELF.

I GREW UP THEREAS A LATCHKEY KID.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

IT'S, UH, IT'S, LIKE,A LEGAL TERM FOR "NEGLECT..."

( laughter )

ONLY WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

WE DIDN'T HAVE ALL THESE THINGSLIKE THE BEEPERS

AND THE CELL PHONESAND THE ANSWERING MACHINES.

I WAS MY PARENTS'ANSWERING MACHINE.

HELLO?

NO, I'M SORRY,MY MOM ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, SHE'S IN THE SHOWER.

THIS WASOUR ELABORATE SECURITY SYSTEM.

"WHEN WILL SHE BEOUT OF THE SHOWER?"

AROUND 11:30.

SHE'S VERY DIRTY.

( laughing )

BUT I'M ALL GROWN UP NOWAND I'M UNEMPLOYED

AND BEING UNEMPLOYED,YOU START TO BECOME KEENLY AWARE

HOW OFTEN PEOPLE ASKTHE QUESTION "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

YOU KNOW-- AT PARTIES,MY PARENTS' HOUSE

FILLING OUTTHE CREDIT CARD APPLICATION?

THE WOMANBEHIND THE COUNTER SAID TO ME

"WHAT DO YOU DO?"

I SAID, "NOTHING."

( laughing )

SHE GOT ALL AN ATTITUDE WITH MEAFTER THAT.

SHE SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU GOINGTO PAY FOR THIS WITH?"

I SAID, "CREDIT. DUH."

BUT, UH, I-I DECIDEDI SHOULD TRY AND GET

SOME SPONSORSHIPFOR MY ACTIVITIES, YOU KNOW?

SO I CONTACTEDTHE FEED THE CHILDREN PROGRAM

ABOUT SETTING UPA SPECIAL COMMERCIAL CAMPAIGN

JUST FOR ME, LIKE THIS--

DO YOU SEE THIS GROWN WOMAN?

SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP.

JUST $30 A DAY...

( laughter )

WILL PROVIDE HER WITH CAB FARE

A LONG-DISTANCE CALLING PLAN...

INTERNET SERVICE.

EACH MONTH,YOU'LL RECEIVE PHOTOS

OF YOUR IMMATURE ADULT...WATCHING TELEVISION

ROLLERBLADING...

GOING TO THE A.T.M.

ONE OF THOSE FANCY HANDBAGSTHAT SAID, "GUESS."

I SAID, "YOU'RE A MAN?"

SHE WASN'T.

( laughter )

I'M A BIG...

I'M A BIG SLOB. AS YOU CAN SEE.

I'M A HUGE SLOB;IT'S WAY OUT OF CONTROL.

AT THIS POINT,GOING INTO MY CLOSET

IS LIKE PLAYINGA BIG GAME OF JANGA.

I HAVE TO TRY AND GET OUTTHAT BOTTOM PIECE

WITHOUT SUSTAINING ANY MASSIVEHEAD INJURY AFTERWARDS.

BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN A DEGENERATEALL OF MY LIFE.

I DID TEMP FOR A WHILE.

MY OFFICIAL JOB TITLEWAS "HEY, YOU!"

BUT... AS A TEMP, I LEARNEDHOW TO GET OUT OF DOING ANY TASK

WHICH IS YOU JUST ACT STUPID

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET MADAT YOU FOR BEING STUPID.

OH, YOU WANT METO MAKE TEN COPIES OF THIS?

ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.

YOU WANT THATIN PEN OR IN PENCIL?

( laughter )

NO, REALLY, IT'S OKAY, I'LL...

OKAY.

JUST ANSWER THE PHONE?

NO PROBLEM.

MR. BRIGGS' OFFICE.

NO, I'M SORRY,HE ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, HE'S IN THE SHOWER.

( jazzy piano music playing )

♪ I'M AN ARTIST

♪ I SEE THINGS YOU DON'T SEE

♪ BECAUSE I WAS BORNWITH A SUPERIOR ♪

♪ AESTHETIC SENSIBILITY

♪ I'M AN ARTIST

♪ I SEE THE WORLDIN AN ARTISTIC WAY ♪

♪ BECAUSE I HAVEA LOT OF TIME TO THINK ♪

♪ BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB

( laughter )

♪ I WISH THE GOVERNMENT

♪ WOULD GIVE A GRANT TO ME

♪ THEN I'D DOA PERFORMANCE PIECE ♪

♪ ON HOW EVILTHE GOVERNMENT IS ♪

( laughter )

♪ AND WHEN I MEET A GIRL

♪ I ASK HER TO POSE NUDEFOR A PAINTING I'M DOING ♪

♪ BECAUSE THAT'SA VERY GOOD WAY ♪

♪ TO GET HER TO SLEEP WITH ME

( laughter )

♪ I WROTE A POEM THE OTHER DAY

♪ IT WAS CALLED "CENSORSHIP,SCREW YOU, MAYOR GIULIANI" ♪

( audience cheering )

♪ I BET ALL I'LL HAVE TO DOIS SAY THE TITLE OF THE POEM ♪

♪ AND EVERYONEWILL BURST INTO APPLAUSE ♪

♪ I'M ALSO A POET

♪ DID I MENTIONI WRITE POETRY? ♪

♪ THE THING I LIKE BESTABOUT POETRY ♪

♪ IS NO ONE WILL ADMITWHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP IT IS ♪

♪ AND WHEN I MEET A GIRL

♪ I SHOW HER MY POETRY

♪ AND SHE'LLUSUALLY SLEEP WITH ME ♪

♪ IN THE HOPES THAT I MIGHTWRITE A POEM ABOUT HER ♪

♪ THAT'S ONE THINGI LEARNED ABOUT WOMEN ♪

♪ IF YOU PAINT THEIR PICTUREOR WRITE A POEM ABOUT THEM ♪

♪ THEY'LL OFTEN SLEEP WITH YOU

♪ I THINK THAT'S WHYI'M STILL AN ARTIST ♪

♪ YOU SEE,I'M MUCH MORE MISOGYNISTIC ♪

♪ THAN ANY CONSTRUCTION WORKER

♪ OR A GUY WHO WORKSON WALL STREET ♪

♪ BUT BECAUSE I'M SELF-ABSORBEDAND DON'T WASH MY CLOTHES ♪

♪ WOMEN ASSUME I'M SENSITIVE

♪ I HATE MY LANDLORD

♪ I THINKHE'S A CAPITALIST PIG ♪

( laughter )

♪ EVEN THOUGH MY PARENTSPAY MY RENT ♪

♪ BUT THAT'S A SECRET

♪ PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONEI TOLD YOU THAT ♪

♪ BA-BA-BA-BUM...

♪ BA-BA-BA-BA-BUM

♪ BA-BA BUM...

♪ BA-BA-BA BUM.

( applause and cheering )

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