Palisoul, Iglesias, Eagle, Shillue

  • Season 3, Ep 0310
  • 01/25/2000

Gabriel Iglesias explains why he likes to dance for only a few seconds at the club, and Tom Shillue sings about being an artist.

Y'ALL GET MADDIFFERENT THAN US.

SEE, BLACK WOMEN GET MADVERY RHYTHMIC.

THERE'S A LOT OF...

YOU KNOW A BLACK WOMAN IS MAD'CAUSE HER NECK STARTS...

( laughter )

YOU THINK HER DAMN HEADGONNA FALL OFF.

( imitating thud )

YOU BETTER HAVE PUT ITBACK ON.

DONE MADE ME LOSE MY M-M-MIND.

BLACK WOMEN CURSE YOUR ASS OUT

NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN,IT'S GOING TO RHYME...

( laughter )

'CAUSE THEY'RE RHYTHMIC.

TELL YOUR ASS SOMETHING,MR. CANDY MAN.

I AM NOT NO CANDY BAR--

NO SNICKERS BAR, NO FIFTH AVENUENO PEANUT CHEW, NO REESE'S CUP.

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT...

WELL, DAMN IT,RIGHT NOW I DON'T.

NOTHING TWO STICKS,OF TWIX CAN'T ( bleep ).

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

NOW, WHITE WOMEN GET MAD, TOO.

JUST DIFFERENT.

SEE, I THINK WHITE WOMEN HAVE

MORE OF A TENDENCYTO BECOME ANGRY.

SEE, THIS? I AM BECOMING ANGRY.

IT'S LIKE A PROCESS.

SEE, 'CAUSE WHITE WOMENWANT TO UNDERSTAND ( bleep ).

THE BLACK WOMEN,THEY DON'T GOT TO KNOW NOTHING.

ALL THEY KNOWIS SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT.

( laughter )

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S NO BETTEROR NO WORSE.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S DIFFERENT.

SEE, A WHITE WOMAN WILL BECOMEANGRY AS THE RESULT OF WHAT?

TRYING TO FIND ( bleep ) OUT.

( laughter )

SO HER EMOTIONS BUILDWHILE INVESTIGATING.

YOU EVER SEENA WHITE WOMAN GET MAD

TRYING TO FIND ( bleep ) OUT?

EXCUSE ME?

NO, BECAUSE I DON'T THINKI UNDERSTOOD

WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST SAID!

SEE? SHE BECAME ANGRY.

SEE? WHITE WOMENARE VERY EMOTIONAL.

BLACK WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL, TOO,BUT BLACK WOMEN GOT TO DETACH.

SEE, THERE'S TOO MUCH OTHERTHINGS GOING ON IN THEIR LIFE.

SO YOU'LL SEE A BLACK WOMANGET MAD, AND SHE'LL UNPLUG IT.

LET ME TELL YOUR ASS...

( laughter )

( applause and cheering )

WHOO!

YEAH.

WHAT'S UP?

HEY.

OH, HEY, UH...

WELL, LIKE TOMMY DAVIDSON SAID,MY NAME IS GABRIEL IGLESIAS.

I KNOW. I SEE A LOT OF YOUARE PROBABLY WONDERING, RIGHT?

GABRIEL, ARE YOU RELATED TO...

Audience:JULIO IGLESIAS?

JULIO. LADIES,YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT.

( laughter )

OH, JULIO IGLESIAS--I LIKE JULIO IGLESIAS, MAN

'CAUSE HE KNOWSHOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.

HE GO UP TO A GIRL, "EXCUSE ME.

"I AM JULIO.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL."

AND THE GIRL GETS ALL EXCITED.

( screaming )

RIGHT?

THEY'RE SO HAPPY;I CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN.

I DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.

I'LL WALK UP TO A WOMAN

I'LL SAY THE FIRST THINGTHAT COMES TO MIND:

HEY... YOU HUNGRY?

I HAVE THE LAST NAME IGLESIAS,YOU GUYS, BUT I'LL LET YOU GUYS

KNOW RIGHT OFF THE BAT,I CANNOT SING. UH-UH.

I CAN DANCE, THOUGH.

HEY, DON'T LOOK AT MEIN SHOCK EITHER.

I'M A BIG BOY,BUT I CAN GET JIGGY WITH IT.

( applause and laughter )

SO SWEET LADIES,I WILL GO TO DANCE CLUBS

AND I WILL TEAR IT UP HARD CORE.

THAT'S RIGHT,FOR A GOOD 30 SECONDS.

THAT'S WHY,WHEN I GO TO DANCE CLUBS

I ALWAYS DANCE WITH BIG GIRLS.

THAT'S RIGHT.SO WE FINISH AT THE SAME TIME.

( laughter )

WELL, I WON'TEVEN MAKE IT

TO THE LYRICS.

YOU KNOW, SONG WOULD KICK IN...

♪ HERE I GO AGAIN.

( imitating drum machine )

( wheezing and panting )

( exhales )

HEY.

( laughter )

HEY, GIRL.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

HEY, ARE YOU HUNGRY?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! HUH?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

THAT'S COOL. I'M GLADYOU GUYS LAUGHED AT THAT JOKE.

I TOLD MY MOM THAT JOKE.

SHE SNAPPED.

"AY, MIH IJO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT."

( laughter )

MY MOM IS COOL, YOU GUYS.

I LOVE MY MOM TO DEATH, BUT,WHENEVER I TRY OUT JOKES ON HER

HER FAVORITE RESPONSE IS,"'MIH IJO, I DON'T GET IT.

( laughter )

"UH-UH. YOU'RE FUNNY, I GUESS.

I DON'T GET IT."

YEAH, AND THEN SHE'SALWAYS TRYING, YOU KNOW

TO GIVE ME ADVICEABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

LIKE MY LAST GIRLFRIEND--SHE WAS ALWAYS TRYING

TO WARN ME ABOUT HER, THAT SHEWAS, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT OFF.

AND SHE WAS ALWAYS, "'MIH IJO,DOES SHE GOT PROBLEMS?"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"SHE'S NOT ALL THERE."

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

"IT'S NOTHING ( bleep )."

I WAS LIKE, "MOM, SHE'S GREAT."

"OH... WATCH."

TWO WEEKS LATER,WE'RE AT THE MALL.

WE'RE TRYING TO FINDTHIS NEW STORE THAT OPENED UP.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'REAT THE MALL AND YOU GET LOST?

YOU GO TO INFORMATIONOR THE MALL DIRECTORY, RIGHT?

SO WE CRUISED OVERTO THE MALL DIRECTORY

HAD A LITTLE MAP,HAD A LITTLE CIRCLED DOT

AND INSIDE THE CIRCLED DOTIT SAYS, "YOU ARE HERE."

DO YOU KNOWWHAT MY GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME?

"HOW DO THEY KNOW?"

( laughter )

WHOO! IT'S COOL.

I LOVE NEW YORK

'CAUSE, IF YOU GET LOST,PEOPLE WILL HELP YOU OUT.

SOME PEOPLE WILL.

I WALKED INTO A STOREOVER HERE ON THE CORNER.

I WALKED IN, RIGHT?

I WAS ALL COOL.

( imitating door sensor )

UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR.CAN YOU HELP ME?

I'M TRYING TO GET OVERTO THIS THEATER.

CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

( Indian accent ):"OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T.

"I KNOW YOU DID NOT COME HERETO MY COUNTER

"WITH NOTHING TO BUY.

( laughter )

"I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

"LOOK AT ME.

"I AM NOT A DIRECTORY.

"I AM NOT A DIRECTORY.

"YOU SEE MY DOT?

IT DOES NOT SAY,'YOU ARE HERE.'"

MUCH LOVE, YOU GUYS.

( jazzy piano music playing )

♪ I'M AN ARTIST

♪ I SEE THINGS YOU DON'T SEE

♪ BECAUSE I WAS BORNWITH A SUPERIOR ♪

♪ AESTHETIC SENSIBILITY

♪ I'M AN ARTIST

♪ I SEE THE WORLDIN AN ARTISTIC WAY ♪

♪ BECAUSE I HAVEA LOT OF TIME TO THINK ♪

♪ BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB

( laughter )

♪ I WISH THE GOVERNMENT

♪ WOULD GIVE A GRANT TO ME

♪ THEN I'D DOA PERFORMANCE PIECE ♪

♪ ON HOW EVILTHE GOVERNMENT IS ♪

( laughter )

♪ AND WHEN I MEET A GIRL

♪ I ASK HER TO POSE NUDEFOR A PAINTING I'M DOING ♪

♪ BECAUSE THAT'SA VERY GOOD WAY ♪

♪ TO GET HER TO SLEEP WITH ME

( laughter )

♪ I WROTE A POEM THE OTHER DAY

♪ IT WAS CALLED "CENSORSHIP,SCREW YOU, MAYOR GIULIANI" ♪

( audience cheering )

♪ I BET ALL I'LL HAVE TO DOIS SAY THE TITLE OF THE POEM ♪

♪ AND EVERYONEWILL BURST INTO APPLAUSE ♪

♪ I'M ALSO A POET

♪ DID I MENTIONI WRITE POETRY? ♪

♪ THE THING I LIKE BESTABOUT POETRY ♪

♪ IS NO ONE WILL ADMITWHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP IT IS ♪

♪ AND WHEN I MEET A GIRL

♪ I SHOW HER MY POETRY

♪ AND SHE'LLUSUALLY SLEEP WITH ME ♪

♪ IN THE HOPES THAT I MIGHTWRITE A POEM ABOUT HER ♪

♪ THAT'S ONE THINGI LEARNED ABOUT WOMEN ♪

♪ IF YOU PAINT THEIR PICTUREOR WRITE A POEM ABOUT THEM ♪

♪ THEY'LL OFTEN SLEEP WITH YOU

♪ I THINK THAT'S WHYI'M STILL AN ARTIST ♪

♪ YOU SEE,I'M MUCH MORE MISOGYNISTIC ♪

♪ THAN ANY CONSTRUCTION WORKER

♪ OR A GUY WHO WORKSON WALL STREET ♪

♪ BUT BECAUSE I'M SELF-ABSORBEDAND DON'T WASH MY CLOTHES ♪

♪ WOMEN ASSUME I'M SENSITIVE

♪ I HATE MY LANDLORD

♪ I THINKHE'S A CAPITALIST PIG ♪

( laughter )

♪ EVEN THOUGH MY PARENTSPAY MY RENT ♪

♪ BUT THAT'S A SECRET

♪ PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONEI TOLD YOU THAT ♪

♪ BA-BA-BA-BUM...

♪ BA-BA-BA-BA-BUM

♪ BA-BA BUM...

♪ BA-BA-BA BUM.

( applause and cheering )