CC Presents: Tony Woods

  • Season 5, Ep 8
  • 08/19/2001

TONY>> ALL RIGHT.

HEH, HEH, HEH.

HOW Y'ALL FEEL?

THAT'S COOL, MAN.

I DON'T, I DON'T REALLY CARE,

THOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

FOR REAL-- I DON'T, MAN.

IT'S JUST SOMETHIN' I SAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST SAY IT ALL

THE TIME--

HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?

SOME PEOPLE TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS.

YOU GO--

HEY, HOW YOU FEEL?

MY BACK... WHOA.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T REALLY CARE, MAN.

YOU COULD DIE RIGHT NOW,

IT WOULDN'T MATTER.

BUT THIS IS NICE.

I LIKE THIS.

I GUESS...

THAT'S MY HOUSE.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, WELCOME TO MY PLACE,

Y'ALL.

THIS IS BULL (BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T LIVE THERE, MAN.

BUT IT'S NICE, I LIKE IT.

HMM... I USUALLY START OUT

MY SHOW...

HEY, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE!

NAH.

IT AIN'T THAT GOOD.

IT'S OKAY FOR Y'ALL 'CAUSE YOU

AT A SHOW, YOU KNOW?

I'M AT WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOW UP

ON THE JOB AND GO "HEY!

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE."

I KNOW YOUR CO-WORKERS WOULD SAY

SOMETHIN' LIKE...

"LOOK.

JUST GRAB THE TRASH CAN AND GET

ON THE TRUCK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU NOT IN SHOW BUSINESS, MAN."

I WANTED TO MENTION TRASH MEN,

'CAUSE I JUST LIKE 'EM, MAN,

'CAUSE THEY SEEM TO BE SUCH

STRONG INDIVIDUALS.

NOT BECAUSE THEY PICK UP

THE CANS.

BUT, THEY RIDE ON THE BACK OF

THAT TRUCK.

THEM TRUCKS STINK.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU EVER RIDE UP BESIDE A

TRASH TRUCK IN THE SUMMER

AND IT IT'S LIKE, EW,

WHAT THE...?

EWWW!

BUT THE MAN IS RIDIN'

ON THE BACK LIKE HE DON'T SMELL

NOTHIN'.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

AND IF HE SEES A WOMAN IN

THE CAR HE'LL LOOK OVER THERE

AND SAY "HEY".

LIKE SHE GONNA ROLL THE WINDOW

DOWN AND TALK TO HIS "STANKIN"

ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

SEE THAT'S MY PET PEEVE, MAN.

BAD SMELLS.

I CAN'T HANDLE BAD SMELLS.

I CAN HANDLE REGULAR BAD SMELLS,

LIKE, YOU KNOW, FARTIN'.

IT'S THAT BAD BREATH THING

I CAN'T HANDLE.

I DON'T MEAN REGULAR BAD BREATH,

LIKE ONIONS OR...

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT THAT

H-H-H-HEAAAVY STUFF.

YOU KNOW THAT COMES FROM WAY

DOWN THERE.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE PEOPLE

WHO HAVE THAT TYPE OF BREATH

DON'T SEEM TO KNOW.

'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS GOT SECRETS,

DON'T THEY?

"HEY, LEMME TELL YOU SOMTHIN'"

UH, UH.

(LAUGHTER)

AH, AH, AH!

I CAN'T HANDLE NONE OF YOU'RE

SECRETS, MAN.

MY EYES ARE WATERIN'.

SOMETIMES THEY GET THE HINT...

THEY GO...

OOOH!

OH, I KNOW, I NEED SOME GUM.

NAH, MAN.

YOU NEED SURGERY.

(LAUGHTER)

ONE OF YOUR ORGANS DONE WENT

BAD.

YOUR KIDNEY DONE FAIL OR

SOMETHIN'.

SOMETHIN'S GOING ON INSIDE OF

YOU.

'CAUSE THAT TYPE OF BREATH

IS CONTAGIOUS.

IT'LL GET ON YOU.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE TALK TO YOU

AND YOUR WHOLE FACE IS...

YOU SMELL LIKE DOO DOO.

I KNOW, IT'S AROUND HERE

SOMEWHERE.

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE

LAUGHING.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

BS Y'ALL TONIGHT.

I WANTED IT TO BE, YOU KNOW,

SERIOUS.

I WANTED TO KEEP IT ON

THE LEVEL, 'CAUSE PEOPLE,

PEOPLE BS YOU ALL YOUR LIFE.

LIKE, FROM LITTLE KID STATUS ON

UP.

I KNOW 'CAUSE I WAS BABYSITTING

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

OK...I WASN'T BABYSITTING,

I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THIS

WOMAN.

SHE WAS BABYSITTING.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THAT AUTOMATICALLY MADE ME

HER ASSISTANT.

AND YOU KNOW, OF COURSE YOU

GOTTA PUT THE KIDS ASLEEP

AND WE TRIED EVERYTHING.

I SMOKED BLUNTS IN THEIR FACES,

I GAVE THEM HENNESSEY...

NOTHIN' WORKED.

THEY WERE STILL JUMPIN' AROUND.

ONE OF THE KIDS COMES OUT OF

THE BACK WITH A STORYBOOK,

AND HE'S LIKE--

HEY, READ US A STORY.

AND I READ THEM

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD".

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT

STORY.

YOU EVER?

THAT IS A HORRIFYING STORY.

IT IS!

AND IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE,

A KID'S STORY.

AND YOU, THINK ABOUT THE STORY.

AND YOU KNOW, AT FIRST THERE'S

THIS GIRL, IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,

RED RIDING HOOD.

SHE'S LIKE A TRICK.

'CAUSE SHE WEARS, LIKE,

LITTLE "HOT PANTS" AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, THE BIG PUSH-UP BRA

AND A LITTLE HOOD LIKE SOME

SUPER-HERO STRIPPER OR

SOMETHING.

AND YOU REMEMBER, SHE'S LIKE,

SKIPPING THROUGH THE WOOD

AND STUFF, SHE TEASIN'

ALL THE WOODSMEN...

"HI, WOODSMEN!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE--

WHAT'S UP, BITCH?!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY, SHE DIDN'T HEAR THEM SAY

THAT, BUT I WANT WOMEN HERE TO

KNOW THAT'S WHAT MEN ALWAYS SAY

TO YOU.

WHEN YOU SPEAK TO US FROM A

DISTANCE.

LIKE, YOU GO--

"HEY, TONY!"

"WHAT'S UP, BITCH?!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S JUST HOW WE FEEL SOMETIMES.

AND SHE'S SKIPPIN' THROUGH THE

WOODS, REMEMBER, BUT REMEMBER

BEFORE SHE GETS TO HER

GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE,

YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS.

THE WOLF WAS THERE.

AND HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

THAT IS TERRIBLE--

HE ATE HER GRANDMOTHER.

MOST PEOPLE SAY--

MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED--

WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?

HEART ATTACK?

STROKE?

NAH, MAN-- THE WOLF ATE HER.

WHAT?

HOW DID HE GET IN THE BUILDING?

I DON'T KNOW WHO BUZZED HIM IN!

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

AND RED CAME IN AND SHE PULLED

THE COVERS BACK AND SHE DID WHAT

A LOT OF WOMEN DO.

LOT OF WOMEN USE "STUPID"

AS A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET IN THE

ELEVATOR, IT'S JUST YOU AND

ONE WOMAN.

YOU GO-- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?

WHO ME?

I SHOULD POKE YOU IN YOUR EYE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE GOES-- OH, GRANDMOMMA!

WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE!

YOU KNOW THIS AIN'T YOUR

GRANDMOTHER.

AND SHE KEPT ON-- HEY, GRAMMA,

WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE!

AND THE WOLF IS LIKE,

I'M TIRED OF PLAYIN' WITCHOO.

SO HE JUMPED UP, BUT HE COULDN'T

GET OUT AS QUICK AS HE COULD

'CAUSE HE HAD THE DRESS ON,

AND SHE TOOK OFF.

"WHOO!"

THAT'S HER RUNNIN'.

SHE ONLY HAD FROM HERE TO THAT

WALL TO GET OUT OF THE PLACE.

BUT REMEMBER--

SHE'S A WHITE WOMAN IN A SCARY

SITUATION.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE FELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT IS BAD TIMING, RED.

YOU JUST SKIPPED 2 MILES THROUGH

THE WOODS, NOW YOU GONNA FALL IN

THE LIVING ROOM.

AND THE WOLF IS ABOUT TO GET

HER, HE'S LIKE GRAAAAA!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO "OH!"

I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN-- GRAAAAA!

(OOOHHHH!)

THERE YOU GO!

AND RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO GET

HERE THE WOODSMAN JUMPS IN AND--

♪ DA-DA-DA

CUTS HIS HEAD OFF.

THE BIG BAD WOLF DIE WITH A

DRESS ON.

(LAUGHTER)

IMAGINE HOW THE THIRD PIG FELT

AT THE FUNERAL.

HE'S LIKE, MAN--

ALL THIS TIME AND THIS DUDE

WAS A "TRANSVESTICLE".

(LAUGHTER)

SAME GUY WHO ATE MY BROTHERS.

BUT I LIKE THE FAIRY TALES, MAN.

SOME OF THEM DON'T FIT, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE THREE BEARS.

THAT'S NOT COOL.

BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH LIKE,

YOU KNOW, A DIFFERENT PERSON

IN IT BESIDES GOLDILOCKS.

I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE, EITHER.

'CAUSE GOLDILOCKS, YOU KNOW,

SHE LIKE BREAKS INTO THESE

PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

I MEAN, SHE COMES INTO THE

BEARS' HOUSE, SHE WALKS INTO

THE YARD, INTO THE HOUSE,

AND THEN SHE'S IN THE HOUSE--

SHE'S EATING THEIR PORRIDGE.

SHE'S LIKE, "OOH!

THIS IS TOO HOT!"

"BITCH, THIS AIN'T YOUR FOOD!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

SOMETHING FUNNY, BUT I CAN'T.

SOME GUYS HAVE CLEVER THINGS

ALL THE TIME TO SAY.

SOME PEOPLE COME UP WITH REAL

CLEVER PHRASES AND NEVER GET ANY

CREDIT FOR THEM.

YOU EVER HEAR THE PHRASE--

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS

THE ROAD?

I THINK THAT IS SO GOOD.

'CAUSE THERE'S A THOUSAND

DIFFERENT ANSWERS FOR WHY THAT

LITTLE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.

NOW ME PERSONALLY, I DON'T GIVE

A DAMN ABOUT THE CHICKEN

CROSSING THE ROAD AT ALL.

OBVIOUSLY, CHICKENS ARE PRETTY

GOOD AT--

CROSSING THE ROAD.

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHICKEN

WHO'S BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

I MEAN, THEY GET HURT

A LOT OF WAYS,

BUT NEVER--

HIT BY A CAR.

I THINK THAT AS A SOCIETY,

WE SHOULD CONCERN OURSELVES WITH

THE ANIMALS WHO DON'T MAKE IT--

ACROSS THE ROAD.

WHY DID THE SQUIRREL CROSS

THE ROAD?

HE NEVER MAKES IT.

SQUIRRELS HAVE LIKE,

A BIG SELF-CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

YOU EVER SEE 'EM?

'CAUSE THEY'RE QUICK ENOUGH,

BUT THEY CAN'T HANG WHEN THEY'RE

LIKE--

WHOO!

I CAN'T DO THIS!

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOON AS HE TURN AROUND--

BAM!

OH!

WHAT ABOUT THE RACCOON?

THEY GET IT ALL THE TIME.

EVERY TIME YOU DRIVE DOWN

THE HIGHWAY, THAT'S ALL YOU SEE

IS A LITTLE HAT HERE,

A LITTLE HAT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND RACCOONS DON'T GET IT 'CAUSE

THEY HAVE LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE

LIKE THE SQUIRREL, RACCOONS HAVE

TOO MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE.

'CAUSE LOOK AT THE WAY THEY

DRESS.

THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THE

FOREST.

BIG FUR JUMPSUIT,

THE BLACK DRIVING GLOVES,

THE STRIPED TAIL, AND LITTLE

SUNGLASSES.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COME ON, RACCOON,

WHAT YOU TRYING TO PROVE, MAN?

THEN THEY WALK OUT INTO THE

HIGHWAY LATE AT NIGHT, AND I'M

SURE ANOTHER ANIMAL GOES--

HEY, RACCOON!

LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!

AND HE'S LIKE--

WHAT TRUCK, MOTHER (BLEEP-ER)?

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW THEY TALK,

'CAUSE THEY THINK THEY COOL.

BUT BY THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

BAM!

THAT'S WHY EVERY TIME WHEN YOU

DO SEE A DEAD RACCOON,

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKIN' BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO THAT

ANIMAL IN THE WOODS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ANIMAL THAT

WAS, RIGHT?

THE CHICKEN.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE I LIVE BY MYSELF.

AND I'M ON THE ROAD SOMETIMES

2, 3 WEEKS AT A TIME, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'D BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE

IN MY APARTMENT WHO'S HAPPY TO

SEE ME, YOU KNOW-SOMEBODY WHO

HAS NOT BEEN LOOKING THROUGH MY

(BLEEP).

'CAUSE WOMEN SEEM TO WANT TO

THAT ALL THE TIME.

THEY'LL LOOK THROUGH YOUR

THINGS-- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR?

(IN A MOCK WOMAN'S VOICE)

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE?

I'M GONNA HAVE A BODY TO HIDE

IF YOU KEEP IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THE PERFECT PET FOR ME

WOULD BE LIKE, A MONKEY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY

WANTS A MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, FROM WHEN YOU WERE

LIKE, A LITTLE KID, YOU'RE LIKE,

AH-- I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, JUST THINK ABOUT

HAVING A MONKEY.

THAT'D BE SO NICE.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAY THERE.

HE CAN FEED HIMSELF, OPEN THE

REFRIGERATOR, WORK THE BLENDER,

HE CAN EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE.

HE CAN'T SAY NOTHIN',

BUT HE COULD PICK IT UP...

(MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

AND YOU KNOW, A DOG SHOWS

EXCITEMENT, AND YOU KNOW HE'S

HAPPY, BUT A MONKEY CAN ACTUALLY

SMILE AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WALK IN THE

DOOR AND YOU'RE LIKE--

MONKEY!

AND HE'S LIKE--

HA HA!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU HUG EACH OTHER.

WE CAN WATCH TV TOGETHER,

WATCH LIKE, DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

HE'D PROBABLY SIT THERE AND

SAY-- HEY, I KNOW HIM!

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, MONKEY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'D TAKE HIM FOR WALKS, TOO,

YOU KNOW?

BUT NO LEASH FOR MY MONKEY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF I HAD A

MONKEY, I'D DRESS HIM JUST LIKE

ME.

WE'D HANG OUT, I'D TAKE HIM

TO NIGHTCLUBS AND STUFF.

I'D JUST SHAVE HIS MONKEY HAIR

OFF, GIVE HIM SOME LITTLE

LEATHER PANTS, LITTLE TIGHT

MUSCLE SHIRT.

AH, THAT'D BE NICE, TAKE HIM TO

A CLUB.

BUT, YOU KNOW, NO OFFENSE TO

ANYBODY WHO HAPPEN TO BE LIKE,

ASIAN OR LATINO, BUT THAT'S

THE TYPE OF CLUB WE'D HAVE

TO GO TO, YOU KNOW.

WE GOT TO GO TO SOMEWHERE

EVERYBODY'S SHORT.

NO, 'CAUSE IF I TAKE HIM TO A

REGULAR CLUB, SOMEBODY'S GONNA

CATCH ON.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GO--

"HEY, THAT MIDGET LOOKS JUST

LIKE A MONKEY."

(LAUGHTER)

SEEN HIM FLIP THREE TIMES.

WHO KNOWS, HE MAY GET LUCKY!

SITTIN' AT THE BAR, DRINKING

HIS LITTLE BANANA DAIQUIRIS.

SOME DRUNK GIRL COMES UP AND

SHE'S LIKE-- "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT

I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

YOU DON'T TALK AS MUCH AS THOSE

OTHER GUYS."

HE JUST LOOK AT HER AND GO--

HA HA!

(LAUGHTER)

'CAUSE HE CAN'T TALK.

WHO KNOWS, THEY MAY EVEN GO HOME

TOGETHER.

JUST IMAGINE THAT, THEY KISSIN',

AND MESSIN' AROUND...

OH, MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, SHE MAY TOUCH HIM.

YOU KNOW, JUST--

TOUCH HIM.

NOW, IF HE WAS A REGULAR MAN,

YOU GET HOT, YOU MIGHT THROW

YOUR WOMAN ON THE BED AND GO--

YEAH.

BUT HE'S A WILD ANIMAL.

HIS "HOT" MAY BE A LITTLE

HOTTER.

SHE TOUCH HIS LITTLE MONKEY

WIENIES...

AAAAAHHHHH!

THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK

STANDS UP AND HE TAKES HIS HAND

AND POPS HER RIGHT IN THE

FOREHEAD.

AND SHE JUST FALLS BACK--

OH!

YOU LIKE IT ROUGH!

(LAUGHTER)

WOMEN GET DISGUSTED,

BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

HE COULD PROBABLY DO THINGS A

REGULAR MAN COULD NEVER DO.

HE CAN DO THE TRADITIONAL

DOGGY-STYLE WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING

HIS FEET ON THE GROUND.

HE'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR BACK

(WAH-WAH-WAH)

SMACK YOUR ASS WITH HIS FOOT.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

"HOW'D YOU DO THAT WITH

YOUR HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS?"

"I'M A MONKEY!"

HIS DISMOUNT WOULD BE COOL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, A REGULAR MAN,

HIS DISMOUNT IS THIS-- AH!

BUT HE'S A MONKEY, SO HE'S GOING

TO DO A LITTLE FLIP--

TA-DAH!

I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN!

I THINK THAT'S THE END.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

ASHAMED AT SOME OF THESE THINGS

I'M TELLING YOU GUYS.

BUT, IT'S ALL GOOD, MAN.

I HAVE TO TAKE A LOOK BACK HERE

AT MY ROOM.

I GUESS THAT'S MY LIFE.

YOU CAN LOOK AT THE ROOM AND SEE

I'VE BEEN ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I WENT TO AFRICA LAST YEAR.

ANY OF YOU GUYS EVER BEEN

TO AFRICA?

(CHEERING)

ALL RIGHT!

OKAY, I DIDN'T GO TO AFRICA.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T GO TO LIKE,

AFRICA AFRICA, LIKE YOU'RE

THINKING.

BUT, I SMOKED A JOINT AND

WATCHED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL...

IT IS THE SAME THING.

I WAS RIGHT THERE IN THE JUNGLE.

I STARTED TAKING ALL MY CLOTHES

OFF.

THEY HAD A SPECIAL ON--

ABOUT THE PYGMIES.

YOU KNOW THE PYGMIES, RIGHT?

THEY LITTLE DUDES.

THEY'RE NOT MIDGETS,

THEY'RE JUST LITTLE DUDES.

AND THE WHOLE SPECIAL WAS ABOUT

THEM TRYING TO KILL AN ELEPHANT.

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY--

NO GUNS, NO SPEARS.

THEY JUST JUMPED HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, YOU LAUGH, BUT IMAGINE

EIGHT LITTLE BLACK DUDES WITH

NO CLOTHES ON JUST COME OUT,

AH-AH!

THAT'D SCARE ANYBODY.

ALL THEY HAD FOR WEAPONS

WERE THESE LITTLE STRAW THINGS

(SPITBALL SOUNDS)

YOU KNOW, THE ELEPHANT WAS GOING

(ELEPHANT SOUNDS)

THEY STILL HAD A HARD TIME

KILLING THE ELEPHANT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, AFTER WE FINALLY

KILLED HIM...

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT?

OH, YOU KNOW, I SAID "WE",

BECAUSE BY THAT TIME, I JUST

STEPPED RIGHT INTO THE TV.

I WAS RIGHT THERE WITH THEM.

BUTT-NECKED.

NOTHIN' ON BUT SANDALS.

BECAUSE I HAVE VERY SENSITIVE

FEET.

THEN WE HAD TO DRAG THIS

ELEPHANT BACK TO THE VILLAGE.

WE GET BACK, THERE'S A BIG

CELEBRATION.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE BIG FEAST,

THERE'S A BIG CELEBRATION.

THEY HAVE A CEREMONY-- LIKE 50

WOMEN LINED UP IN A CHORUS LINE,

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH

HEADDRESSES ON AND EVERYTHING

AND THEY'RE SINGING THIS

BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN MELODY THAT

JUST ECHOES THROUGH THE FOREST,

THEY'RE ALL LIKE

(SINGS THE PYGMY TUNE)

HEY!

THESE ARE NOT HANDS

(SINGING CONTINUES)

AND I WAS LIKE, YEAH--

THIS IS A PARTY RIGHT HERE!

I JUST WENT DOWN THE LINE...

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

A LITTLE WHILE.

I MET THIS WOMAN IN CENTRAL

PARK.

SHE WAS LIKE A MILE DOWN THE

STREET-- A MILE.

NOW, YOU KNOW, THAT'S A VERY

LONG WAY.

BUT I CAN SEE REAL GOOD WHEN

I'VE BEEN TAKING MY GLAUCOMA

MEDICINE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAID TO MYSELF--

THIS IS THE WOMAN FOR ME

AND I JUST TOOK OFF RUNNING--

WHOOM!

AND I GOT THERE QUICKER THAN

I EXPECTED, 'CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE,

ONLY A BLOCK AWAY.

IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A LONG WAY

BECAUSE SHE WAS KINDA SHORT.

NOT REGULAR SHORT, LIKE YOU

KNOW, 4'11" OR 5'1".

SHE WAS A MIDGET.

AT FIRST I WANTED TO KEEP

RUNNING, BUT I HAD ALREADY

GOTTEN HER ATTENTION--

HEY YOU IN THE RED... DRESS...

BUT IT WAS JUST A T-SHIRT.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT YOU ALL GO "OOH" AND "AAH",

BUT I DATED HER.

AND WE DATED FOR QUITE A WHILE.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS,

BUT HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,

THERE ARE SO MANY PRIVATE CLUBS

WE WOULD GO TO...

I MEAN, WE WOULD GO TO MIDGET

PARTIES LIKE 4 NIGHTS A WEEK.

MIDGET PARTIES, MIDGET PARTIES.

OKAY.

WAIT.

THEY WEREN'T CALLED MIDGET

PARTIES.

THAT'S LIKE, NOT POLITICALLY

CORRECT.

BUT COME ON.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO A PARTY AND

THERE'S LIKE 200 MIDGETS THERE,

IN YOUR MIND, IT'S A MIDGET

PARTY.

BUT, SO AS I DON'T OFFEND

ANYBODY, WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT

A "LITTLE GET TOGETHER".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GUESS THAT'S THE END AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND MOST COMEDIANS, THEY END

THEIR SHOW LIKE, WITH LIKE A BIG

LAUGH, A BIG JOKE AT THE END,

WITH A BIG LAUGH.

BUT I FIGURE, WHY DO THAT.

I HAVEN'T DONE IT THE WHOLE

SHOW, SO WHY START NOW.

YOU KNOW, BUT ME--

THEY TOLD ME--

THE PRODUCERS SAID DO NOT DO

YOUR BIG ONE AT THE END 'CAUSE

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.

THEY CAN'T ORDER IN THE THEATER,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE PEOPLE

ARE WHISTLIN', YOU KNOW, WOMEN

THROWIN' PANTIES AND STUFF...

(WOMAN'S VOICE) TONY!

TONY!

SO USUALLY, USUALLY WHEN I'M

LEAVING, I JUST, I JUST USUALLY

SAY, YOU KNOW, GOD BLESS Y'ALL

AND THANK Y'ALL FOR LAUGHING AT

ME.

MY NAME IS TONY WOODS AND RIGHT

AFTER THAT I WOULD JUST WALK

THAT WAY.

WATCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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