Gold, Stone, Marder

  • Season 1, Ep 0106
  • 05/30/1994




Everyone calls me sir.

I went to the gym the other day.

I walked into theladies locker room.

Some naked woman hidbehind her locker, right?

Then she looks upat me, she goes,

oh sorry, I thoughtyou were a guy.

[fake laugh]

So I whipped it out.

You know.

I, uh-- I showed hermy gym card, you pigs.

All right?

No, everyone'salways staring at me.

Because I got the curl.I got the spit curl.

The reason I have-- incase you're wondering--

is because if I had myown show in the '60s,

it would open upwith a big theme

song. (SINGING) It's Judy show!

And then a big spitcurl would come down,

and I'd come sliding down thespit curl, hanging on the end,


(SINGING) It's Judy's show!


Actually, I have a bigpimple underneath here

I'm trying to cover up.

So I'm very tall.

You noticed I was tall, huh?

6 foot 3.

Which I love being tall.

I do love it.

I love it.

But it was tough as a kid,because I reached this height,

I was 13 years old.

I'm walking down thehalls in grammar school,

everyone's calling me Sasquatchand everything, right?

I didn't know what to do.


Yeah, thanks a lot.All right.

Then I'd go home to my mother.

I'd be like, Mom!

All the kids arepicking on me in school,

what am I supposed to do?

She'd say, Judith,don't worry about it,

they're jealous of you.

Go upstairs, put onyour father's clothes.

Leave me alone.

Get away from me.I can't stand you.

You're a pain in the ass.

Get out of my face.

Then she'd take me shopping.

We'd go shopping, Icould never find shoes.

They never carried my shoesize in the shoe stores.

I had to go to thetall-gal shoe shop,

two floors of huge-size shoes.

Right in the basement theyhave basketball courts,

in case anyone wants to shoothoops while they're shopping.

I hate shopping!

I find salespeople reallyannoying when I go sho--

like, I'll be in thefitting room two minutes,

Helga will come runningin-- so how we doing?

We are naked with a belt on.

Thank you.


Plus, every item inwomen's clothing stores

now have shoulderpants in them, right?

Because women areactually supposed

to look more masculine,more broad, more aggressive

for the '90s.

I heard that Leggs is comingout with new pantyhose

with cups in them.

And I think the combination--


And they'll have cups!


Thanks a lot.

All right.

All the jocks used towear cups in high school.

I-- guess what I wasinvolved with in high school.

Just guess.

[audience chatter]


No, I was a cheerleader.

Yeah, right.

All right, anyway.

No, I hated the cheerleaders.

You know who I hated morethan the cheerleaders, though?

Remember the peoplein the school play?

Remember they used to get onstage, sing through their nose,

and everyone would sayhow talented they were?

(SINGING) Everythinghas its season!

She is so talented.

She is definitely gonna make it.

She is incredible, OK?


I was in the band.

I was a band nerd.

Do we have any band nerds here?

Who was in the band?

I loved being in the band.

I played clarinet inthe marching band.

And I was fat, which washorrible, because we used

to sell these candy bars for theband, so we'd go on band trips

at the end of year.

Do you remember this?

They would give us,like, a huge box

of candy bars at thebeginning of the week.

The end of the week, Iwas like, Ma, look, yeah,

can I have 50 bucks?


Get it?

Because I ate all the candybars (SINGING) It's Judy's show!

Actually, you know youcan't be fat in high school.

Then you get yourhigh school yearbook.

Everyone always writes thesame thing in your high school

yearbook-- don't ever change,stay just the way you are.

I'm thinking, yeah,6' 2", 220, I'll

have a great career in the NFL.



I was unpopular in high school.

So now when I goto my therapist,

I'm always talkingabout high school.

But I don't know whyI go to this ther--

my therapist is soweird, all right?

I go in last week, shebrings her daughter

in to listen tomy session, right?

I'm like, what'sthis with the kid?

It's Career Day.

That was exciting, huh?

Yeah, we never talked toeach other in my family.

We communicated byputting Ann Landers

articles on the refrigerator.

So that was exciting.

My mother was always crying too.

She'd be doing thedishes-- [fake sobs]

Then we'd ask her what shewanted for her birthday,

she said the samething every year--

what do I want for my birthday?

I want you kids to get along.

All I want is peacein this house.

Well, we saved a lot of moneyon gifts, and that was exciting.

She was alwaysscreaming and yelling,

but never whencompany was around.

Everyone always thoughtshe was in a great mood.

She always faked it.

Because I remember I'd be withher in the kitchen as a kid,

the phone wouldring-- get the [bleep]

damn hell out of the kitchen.

I'm trying to cook!(NICE VOICE) Hello.


How are ya?

She just wroteher autobiography.

Pick it up.

It's in the stores now.

It's entitled, "I came,I saw, I criticized,"

so please pick that up.

My father, I-- youknow, see, my mother

I can talk to whenI have a problem.

My father I call with aproblem, he's-- he's weird.

He turns into, like, Ed McMahon.

I'll be like, Dad, I am reallyupset, I don't know what to do.

Here's Mommy!

He will not listento me on the phone.

They've been married 36 years.

Very happy.

They're a very happy couple.

They just celebratedtheir anniversary.

We got them ananswering machine,

which is, like, the stupidestgift to give your parents,

because no one ever calls myparents except for their kids.

So my mother put the appropriatemessage on the machine-- look,

we're not here right now, ifyou'd like to leave a message,

leave one.

If you don't wantto leave one, don't.

We're not going to be makingdecisions for you anymore.

You have to make up yourown [bleep] damn minds.

Thank you.

The whole family's--my Aunt Sylvia

came over for theanniversary party.

All right, is this the craziestthing you've ever heard?

Her husband died 30 years ago.

She can't get over it.

She turns everything thathe owned into something.

We're sitting at the dinnertable, she walks over to me.

She says, so, what do youthink of this necklace?

I'm like, it's nice.

Dave's old belt buckle.

Then she goes, what do youthink of these little round ball


I'm like, I don'teven want to know, OK?

Thank you.

You guys have been great.

have comedy clubs in Texas.

The audiences aren'tsophisticated like you guys.

They just keptsaying things like,

come on, man, do somejokes we can dance to.

And this is good.

Grew up in Texas.

Guys in there, we'd bond.

We'd talk about sports.

And, guys, what else do wetalk about besides sports?


-Thank you, sir.

We get them confusedhere, right?

Sometimes.AUDIENCE MEMBER: Not me.

-[laughs] We bagged one.

Anyway, uh, we dothis, guy and ladies,

because we have a simplemind, simple vocabulary.

It doesn't requirea big vocabulary

to discuss these subjects.

Football, uh, uh.

Woman, uh, uh.

You find a woman, one ofthe first things she'll say

is, Tony, we have to talk.



Ladies, you say wedon't communicate.

You never talkabout things we're

interested in, likefootball and other women.

Everybody has sex now.

When I was a kid,only women had sex.

You had to get it from them.

I was married at one time,which is not the same as having

sex, but anincredible simulation.

We tried to makeour marriage work.

We got a battery-poweredsexual aid.

Actually, a flashlight.

When I was performing, shewould wave it back and forth

to create an illusion of motion.

[laughter and applause]


I got her back, though.

One night she camehome-- Tony, tonight I

want you to tie me upand do mean things to me.

So I tied her up and wentback and watched the game.

Because guys are simple.

Ladies, do you agree that malesare basically simple and crude?


-Thank you, ma'am.

You're right, though.

Here's the way we talk.

Hey, Bob, look at thatblonde over there.

About two hours of thatand a six pack, and I'd

die a happy man.


She'd make a good dog loseshis chain, boy. [meows]

Guys, we gotta bemore sensitive now.

We see women, we shouldsee the entire package.

Hey, Bob, look at thatblonde over there.

I'd like to get toknow her as a person.

Maybe we could develop somekind of mutual interests

and begin the network anddialogue and communicate.

Eventually, we'd fall in love.

We'd get married.

We'd have to give up our owngoals, dreams, and life to live

a hellish existence full ofbitter arguments and fights,

forced to stay together forthe sake of the children,

one of which is constantly inand out of penal institutions.


[laughter and applause]

We're so different.

Women go out and they think,before I go to bed with a man,

I want to find outwho he is as a person.

Guys are thinking,let's get them in bed

before they find out who we are.

you never talk aboutsomething really

socially relevant like politics.

You know why?

People don't give a darn.

People don't knowanything about politics.

I'll give you an example.

I want-- on the count of three,I want everybody in the room

to shout out thename of the Attorney

General of the United States.

On the count of three,Attorney General, 1, 2, 3--

[audience chatter]

-Thank you.

On the count of three, Iwant everybody in the room

to shout out the name ofthe pig on Green Acres.

1, 2, 3--


-I rest my case, OK?

We don't know politics.

We know pigs.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: [inaudible].

-No difference.

Thank you, sir.

Got a call from thebank the other day.

They said, Mr. Stone,it seems you're

a little late onyour car payment.

I said, I know it seems thatway, but it's just an illusion.

Mr. Stone, we're going to haveto return some of your checks.

Good, I was out ofchecks, and, uh--

I've been flying a lot recently,and I believe airline pilots

must be the bravestpeople on the planet,

because these guys are trained.

If there's ever anemergency in the air,

their first job is to comeon and calm people down.

I saw this happening recently.

We were flyinginto San Francisco.

There was a lot of turbulence.

Everybody started freaking out.

The pilot was cool.

He handled it beautifully.

Um, ladies and gentlemen,this is your captain speaking.

It appears we'regoing to be about, oh,

four or five miles short onour approach into San Francisco

this morning.

We've asked the stewardessto go ahead and cancel some

of those carreservations for ya.

Please feel free to get upand move around the cabin,

or smoke.

I don't think it makes muchdifference at this point.

You people on the right aregonna get a real nice view

of the bay coming upthere pretty quick.

People on the left aregonna get a pretty good

view of the people on the right.

By the way, for youswimmers on board,

the water temperature'sa brisk 63 degrees.

Those of you whodon't swim, thanks

for flying the United way.

Thank you a lot, very much.

I should say that.

I know you havea lot of options.

You know, you could bewatching bass fishing on ESPN.

I'm city-born andbred, as Wil mentioned,

so I can only relate tothe cathartic release

that bass fishing mustbe intellectually.

I'm sure it's reallyfrighteningly fun.

But to watch bassfishing on television,

you gotta be a specialkind of remedial.

I mean, what do I sayto someone that does it?

I have absolutelyno reference base.

Um, did he catchanything this week?

(SOUTHERN ACCENT)No, but next week

he's gonna try a different spot.

It kind of builds the drama.

You know, it's likea bass miniseries.

Once he casts, I am riveted.

Anyway, do you realizethat we're living in a time

where pizza gets to ourhouses faster than the police?


I'm not kidding.

Yes, I am.

No, I'm not.

Yes, I am.

No, I'm not.

Call them both atthe same time, you'll

be stuffed by the timethe cops get there.

That's where the word"copulate" comes from?

How do they do this--



Don't applaud.

People at home didn't get it.


How do they do this?

That's the question.

My best guess is they havethe pizzas already made,

and they have psychicsin trucks driving

around their neighborhoods.

I'm not knocking it.

I mean, I think it's inventive.

I happen to enjoywhen I drive past one

of those psychic adviser placesthat have gone out of business.

They should have known.

I mean, of all people.

It makes the whole industry lookbogus when one of them closed.

Doesn't it?


of your brain.

(SPANISH ACCENT) Iclaim this for Spain.

Thank you.

That's my tribute to Magellan.

But you have twohemispheres in your brain.

One side of your head controlslinear, logical thought.

That will now be representedby this microphone,

shown actual size.

The other hemisphereof your brain

controls creativity,fantasy, and imagination.

And if you had myhead, [laughs] you'd

have to babysit thoughtslike this all the time.

Why is Wednesdaycalled Hump Day when

most people get laidon the weekends?

[high-pitched laugh]

Why do they call it rush hour,and your car just sits there?



Why is easy listeningmusic so hard to listen to?

Now, I started this,like, 1,000 years ago.

Or so it seems this evening.

But my friendssaid, Jeff, we think

you're going throughan identity crisis.

That's what they said.

And my gynecologisttold me, if they

say that, they'renot your friends.

And he's right,because friends would

support you whenyou're ovulating.



Now, treat yourselfto a good gynecologist

and a good dentist,because that's

our second and least-favoriteoffice visit that we

encounter whilst wearing a body.

Now-- "whilst," youdon't hear that a lot.

So treat yourself.

I knew the dentistwas number one.

An hour before the dentist,I'm brushing, flossing,

water-picking, sandblasting,jackhammering, white out,

anything to make up formonths of dental neglect.

Because you know when you goin there, it's confession.

You can't lie to the guy.

That's his gig.

He knows.

Forgive me, Doctor, it's been 80months since my last check-up.

Will-- will I go to hell?

He pulls out the drill.


It's just going to feel like it.

[makes drilling sounds]

You don't know if he's fillinga cavity or putting up shelves.

I swear to god, youcan go in for braces,

walk out with anentire entertainment

complex in your face.

This old mouth.

He told me--


I-- [laughs] Stop.

I gotta move on.

He told me-- it's too late now.

Don't suck up to me.

Where were you in my entrance?

He told me, I grindmy teeth at night.

So now before I go to sleep,I fill my mouth with hot water

and coffee beans andset my alarm for 7:30.

If joggers could jogat the speed of sound,

would they still be ableto hear their Walkmans?

It's hardly worth the walk.

You realize that?

I'm justifying mycomedic calories.

When cows laugh, does milkcome out of their noses?

[laughter and applause]