Gold, Stone, Marder

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 05/30/1994

Gold, Stone, Marder




Everyone calls me sir.

I went to the gym the other day.

I walked into theladies locker room.

Some naked woman hidbehind her locker, right?

Then she looks upat me, she goes,

oh sorry, I thoughtyou were a guy.

[fake laugh]

So I whipped it out.

You know.

I, uh-- I showed hermy gym card, you pigs.

All right?

No, everyone'salways staring at me.

Because I got the curl.I got the spit curl.

The reason I have-- incase you're wondering--

is because if I had myown show in the '60s,

it would open upwith a big theme

song. (SINGING) It's Judy show!

And then a big spitcurl would come down,

and I'd come sliding down thespit curl, hanging on the end,


(SINGING) It's Judy's show!


Actually, I have a bigpimple underneath here

I'm trying to cover up.

So I'm very tall.

You noticed I was tall, huh?

6 foot 3.

Which I love being tall.

I do love it.

I love it.

But it was tough as a kid,because I reached this height,

I was 13 years old.

I'm walking down thehalls in grammar school,

everyone's calling me Sasquatchand everything, right?

I didn't know what to do.


Yeah, thanks a lot.All right.

Then I'd go home to my mother.

I'd be like, Mom!

All the kids arepicking on me in school,

what am I supposed to do?

She'd say, Judith,don't worry about it,

they're jealous of you.

Go upstairs, put onyour father's clothes.

Leave me alone.

Get away from me.I can't stand you.

You're a pain in the ass.

Get out of my face.

Then she'd take me shopping.

We'd go shopping, Icould never find shoes.

They never carried my shoesize in the shoe stores.

I had to go to thetall-gal shoe shop,

two floors of huge-size shoes.

Right in the basement theyhave basketball courts,

in case anyone wants to shoothoops while they're shopping.

I hate shopping!

I find salespeople reallyannoying when I go sho--

like, I'll be in thefitting room two minutes,

Helga will come runningin-- so how we doing?

We are naked with a belt on.

Thank you.


Plus, every item inwomen's clothing stores

now have shoulderpants in them, right?

Because women areactually supposed

to look more masculine,more broad, more aggressive

for the '90s.

I heard that Leggs is comingout with new pantyhose

with cups in them.

And I think the combination--


And they'll have cups!


Thanks a lot.

All right.

All the jocks used towear cups in high school.

I-- guess what I wasinvolved with in high school.

Just guess.

[audience chatter]


No, I was a cheerleader.

Yeah, right.

All right, anyway.

No, I hated the cheerleaders.

You know who I hated morethan the cheerleaders, though?

Remember the peoplein the school play?

Remember they used to get onstage, sing through their nose,

and everyone would sayhow talented they were?

(SINGING) Everythinghas its season!

She is so talented.

She is definitely gonna make it.

She is incredible, OK?


I was in the band.

I was a band nerd.

Do we have any band nerds here?

Who was in the band?

I loved being in the band.

I played clarinet inthe marching band.

And I was fat, which washorrible, because we used

to sell these candy bars for theband, so we'd go on band trips

at the end of year.

Do you remember this?

They would give us,like, a huge box

of candy bars at thebeginning of the week.

The end of the week, Iwas like, Ma, look, yeah,

can I have 50 bucks?


Get it?

Because I ate all the candybars (SINGING) It's Judy's show!

Actually, you know youcan't be fat in high school.

Then you get yourhigh school yearbook.

Everyone always writes thesame thing in your high school

yearbook-- don't ever change,stay just the way you are.

I'm thinking, yeah,6' 2", 220, I'll

have a great career in the NFL.



I was unpopular in high school.

So now when I goto my therapist,

I'm always talkingabout high school.

But I don't know whyI go to this ther--

my therapist is soweird, all right?

I go in last week, shebrings her daughter

in to listen tomy session, right?

I'm like, what'sthis with the kid?

It's Career Day.

That was exciting, huh?

Yeah, we never talked toeach other in my family.

We communicated byputting Ann Landers

articles on the refrigerator.

So that was exciting.

My mother was always crying too.

She'd be doing thedishes-- [fake sobs]

Then we'd ask her what shewanted for her birthday,

she said the samething every year--

what do I want for my birthday?

I want you kids to get along.

All I want is peacein this house.

Well, we saved a lot of moneyon gifts, and that was exciting.

She was alwaysscreaming and yelling,

but never whencompany was around.

Everyone always thoughtshe was in a great mood.

She always faked it.

Because I remember I'd be withher in the kitchen as a kid,

the phone wouldring-- get the [bleep]

damn hell out of the kitchen.

I'm trying to cook!(NICE VOICE) Hello.


How are ya?

She just wroteher autobiography.

Pick it up.

It's in the stores now.

It's entitled, "I came,I saw, I criticized,"

so please pick that up.

My father, I-- youknow, see, my mother

I can talk to whenI have a problem.

My father I call with aproblem, he's-- he's weird.

He turns into, like, Ed McMahon.

I'll be like, Dad, I am reallyupset, I don't know what to do.

Here's Mommy!

He will not listento me on the phone.

They've been married 36 years.

Very happy.

They're a very happy couple.

They just celebratedtheir anniversary.

We got them ananswering machine,

which is, like, the stupidestgift to give your parents,

because no one ever calls myparents except for their kids.

So my mother put the appropriatemessage on the machine-- look,

we're not here right now, ifyou'd like to leave a message,

leave one.

If you don't wantto leave one, don't.

We're not going to be makingdecisions for you anymore.

You have to make up yourown [bleep] damn minds.

Thank you.

The whole family's--my Aunt Sylvia

came over for theanniversary party.

All right, is this the craziestthing you've ever heard?

Her husband died 30 years ago.

She can't get over it.

She turns everything thathe owned into something.

We're sitting at the dinnertable, she walks over to me.

She says, so, what do youthink of this necklace?

I'm like, it's nice.

Dave's old belt buckle.

Then she goes, what do youthink of these little round ball


I'm like, I don'teven want to know, OK?

Thank you.

You guys have been great.