June 9, 2014 - Esther Perel

  • 06/09/2014

A GOP candidate changes his name in order to win Hispanic votes, Vincent van Gogh's ear finds new life at an art museum, and Esther Perel talks "Mating in Captivity."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE][AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FOLKS AT HOME, IF YOU'VE NEVERBEEN TO THE SHOW LIVE, YOU'VE

GOT TO COME HERE TO THE STUDIOTO SEE THE SHOW IN PERSON,

BECAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T GET ATHOME IS THAT RIGHT NOW IN THIS

ROOM, THE AIR IS THICK WITH THEOPIATE OF LOVE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]AND I'M TAKING DEEP TOKES OFF

THESE PEOPLE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE.

DON'T DO DRUGS.

NATION, THE MIDTERMS ARERAPIDLY APPROACHING, AND THINGS

LOOK GOOD FOR REPUBLICANS ACROSSTHE BOARD WITH ONE GLARING

EXCEPTION.

THE G.O.P. CONTINUES TO STRUGGLEWITH HISPANIC VOTERS

FOR SOME REASON THEY'RE NOTRALLYING TO THE G.O.P.'S MESSAGE

OF "LOOK, MARCO RUBIO!"

BUT THAT'S WHY IT'S MOREIMPORTANT THAN EVER TO REACH OUT

TO SUBURBAN FUTBOL MADRES ANDAVERAGE JOSE SEIS-PACKS.

BUT A NEW STRATEGY HAS BEENPIONEERED BY ARIZONA REPUBLICAN

SCOTT FISTLER, SEEN HEREPHOTOBOMBING A PICTURE OF A MAP

AFTER...

[LAUGHTER]AFTER LOSING TWO RACES IN A

HEAVILY HISPANIC COMMUNITY.

HE HAS FOUND A WAY TO GET HISNAME OUT THERE.

GET ANOTHER NAME OUT THERE.

>> CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING ACANDIDATE SEEKING OFFICE HERE IN

ARIZONA. SCOTT FISTLER HASLEGALLY CHANGED HIS NAME TO

CESAR CHAVEZ.

>> Stephen: ADIOS, SCOTTFISTLER.

HOLA, CESAR CHAVEZ.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IF YOUCAN'T BEAT 'EM, PRETEND YOU

JOINED 'EM.

NOW, IF CESAR CHAVEZ STRIKES ACORD WITH MY HISPANIC VIEWER,

IT'S BECAUSE IT IS ALSO THE NAMEOF THE FOUNDER OF THE UNITED

FARM WORKERS WHO POPULARIZED THESLOGAN, "SI SE PUEDA," WHICH

MEANS "YES, WE, CAN," ALTHOUGH IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY, CHAVEZ

MIGHT BE SAYING, "OH, NO HEDIDN'T."

BUT THIS ISN'T MERELY POLITICALPANDERING, FOLKS, THIS CHANGE

WAS A LONG TIME COMING.

AS THE POLITICIAN FORMALLY KNOWNAS FISTLER EXPLAINED, HE

EXPERIENCED MANY HARDSHIPSBECAUSE OF HIS NAME.

I DON'T SEE WHY.

I MEAN, FISTLER, THAT'S A GREATNAME FOR A LEADER.

IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S THE HITLEROF FISTING.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]HEIL FISTLER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]HEIL FISTLER.

[LAUGHTER]SO FISTLER JUST WANTED TO CHANGE

IT TO SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE APOPULAR NAME WITH VOTERS.

SO I THINK IT SHOWED GREATRESTRAINT THAT HE DIDN'T JUST GO

WITH CHERRY GARCIA.

[LAUGHTER]BUT CESAR CHAVEZ'S CAMPAIGN

ISN'T JUST ABOUT A CONFUSINGNAME.

IT'S ALSO ABOUT A CONFUSING WEBSITE.

>> ON HIS CAMPAIGN WEB SITE,CHAVEZ FEATURES IMAGES OF CROWDS

OF PEOPLE HOLDING CHAVEZ SIGNSAND WEARING T-SHIRTS, BUT THE

PICTURES ARE ACTUALLY FROM ARALLY FROM THE LATE VENEZUELAN

PRESIDENT PRESIDENT HUGOCHAVEZ.

>> Stephen: OH, OH, OH.

SO ALL HISPANIC RALLIES LOOKALIKE?

THAT IS RACIST.

UNFORTUNATELY THE WEBSITE ISUNCLEAR ABOUT HOW TO CONTRIBUTE

TO THE CAMPAIGN.

DO I USE THIS "DONATE NOW"BUTTON UP HERE AT THE TOP, OR

ONE OF THESE NINE "DONATE NOW"BUTTONS DOWN HERE.

I MEAN, IT MAKES SENSE.

YOU NEED ONE BUTTON FOR EACHCANDIDATE HE'S PRETENDING TO BE.

[LAUGHTER]FOLKS, SENOR CHAVEZ'S STRATEGY

SHOWS HOW REPUBLICANS CAN WINTHE WHITE HOUSE IN 2016.

JUST FIELD A SLATE OF MINORITYCANDIDATES.

THERE'S LOTS OF CHOICES.

THERE'S PANCHO VILLA, MARTINLUTHER KING, MAHATMA GANDHI,

AUNG SAN SUU KYI, HARRIETTUBMAN, SITTING BULL.

OH, SITTING BULL'S GOT A REALCHANCE, WELL, UNLESS HILLARY

CLINTON DECIDES TO RUN.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NATION... LAST WEEK I TOLD YOU

ABOUT RESCUED ARMY SERGEANT BOWEBERGDAHL AND THE GROWING CABLE

NEWS CONSENSUS THAT HE DOES NOTDESERVE TO BE ALIVE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER WHOWE GAVE UP FOR HIM.

>> FIVE TALIBAN KILLERS,ESSENTIALLY THE CABINET OF THE

TALIBAN.

>> IT'S NOT JUST ANY RANDOMACCUSED TERRORISTS BUT FIVE

TALIBAN COMMANDERS.

>> SOUTH CAROLINA SENATORLINDSEY GRAHAM IS CALLING THE

FORMER DETAINEES THE "TALIBANDREAM TEAM."

>> THE PRESIDENT SWAPPED ANALLEGED DESERTER FOR THE TALIBAN

DREAM TEAM.

>> THE TALIBAN DREAM TEAM.

>> THE DREAM TEAM.

>> WE GAVE UP THE DREAM TEAM.

GREAT!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]GREAT.

NOW WHO ARE WE GOING TO SEND TOTHE RIO OLYMPICS IN 2016?

ABDUL WAS DEADLY IN THE PAINT.

WELL, DEADLY PRETTY MUCHEVERYWHERE, BUT ESPECIALLY THE

PAINT.

MEANWHILE, BERGDAHL'S A DESERTERWHO DID BALLET, WHOSE DAD HAS A

BEARD AND WHO PURSUED ALIFESTYLE THAT 99% OF AMERICANS

CANNOT RELATE TO, VOLUNTEERINGTO FIGHT IN AFGHANISTAN.

THE POINT IS: EVERYTHING ABOUTBERGDAHL IS AN AFFRONT TO THE

HEROS WHO SERVE ON THE FRONTLINES OF FOX NEWS.

>> BERGDAHL MAY HAVE EVENCOLLABORATED WITH THE ENEMY, THE

TALIBAN.

>> CLEARLY THE WORDS ARE WRITTENON THE WALL THAT HE WAS A

DESERTER.

>> A LOSER, A DESERTER WHO HASKILLED MEN.

>> HE'S A TRAITOR.

>> IT SEEMS TO ME HE'S PRETTYLUCKY HE WAS BROUGHT HOME THE

WAY HE WAS BECAUSE IF THOSESPECIAL FORCES HAD FOUND HIM, HE

WOULD HAVE COME HOME EITHER IN ABODY BAG OR COME HOME AND GONE

STRAIGHT TO JAIL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, KIMBERLY.

IF OUR SOLDIERS HAD FOUND HIM,THEY MIGHT HAVE ARRESTED HIM,

BUT THEY JUST AS LIKELY WOULDHAVE MURDERED HIM IN A HEROIC

ACT OF VIGILANTE JUSTICE LIKE INTHE MOVIE

"FRAGGING PRIVATE RYAN."

[LAUGHTER]BUT EVEN MORE DISTURBING, EVEN

MORE DISTURBING THAN THE RESCUEOF THIS TRAITOROUS DESERTER WHO

DESERVED A FIELD EXECUTION ISTHE POSSIBILITY THAT HIS FIVE

YEARS OF TALIBAN CAPTIVITY MIGHTHAVE HAD SOME SAD PARTS THAT

MAKE HIM SYMPATHETIC.

>> BERGDAHL HAS TOLD MILITARYOFFICIALS HIS CAPTIVITY WAS A

TERRIFYING AND LONELY ORDEALWITH LONG PERIODS OF SOLITARY

CONFINEMENT THAT ONLY GOT WORSEWHEN HE TRIED TO ESCAPE.

>> ARMY SERGEANT BOWE BERGDAHLIS TELLING HIS DOCTORS THAT THE

TALIBAN TORTURED AND BEAT HIMDURING FIVE YEARS OF CAPTIVITY.

>> DURING ALL THIS TIME, HESTRUCK TO HIS RELIGION,

CHRISTIANITY.

THE TALIBAN SAY THAT THEY GAVEHIM PERMISSION TO CELEBRATE

CHRISTMAS.

>> Stephen: AND WORSE, WHILEHE WAS CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS,

THE TALIBAN WISHED HIM HAPPYHOLIDAYS.

FOLKS, FOLKS, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

HOW CAN BERGDAHL BE A GOODCHRISTIAN?

YOU DON'T SEE JESUS WALKING OFFINTO THE DESERT.

IS THERE ANY WAY... IS THERE ANYWAY WE CAN SAY THAT HIS TORTURE

WASN'T SO BAD?

>> HE DID, BERGDAHL, ADMIT THATHE WAS TORTURED BY THE TALIBAN

AND KEPT IN A CAGE AFTER ANATTEMPT TO ESCAPE IS WHAT HIS

ACCOUNT IS RELAYING RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH, SO THAT WAS REPORTED ONFRIDAY THAT THEY HAD A

CUSTOMIZED CAGE WITH HIM ANDLEFT HIM IN THERE MAYBE IN

SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

>> THIS GUY HAD HIS OWNCUSTOMIZED CAGE?

OH, I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BECONFINED IN AN OFF-THE-SHELF

CAGE.

I'M TOO FANCY FOR THAT.

I WANT ONE WITH BRUSHED STEELBARS AND A MONOGRAMMED POOP

BUCKET.

OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD START.

HE'S GOT FANCY CAGE.

BUT COULD WE MAKE IT SEEM LIKEHE ACTUALLY LIKED THESE GUYS?

>> IT SHOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE TOANYONE THAT HE WAS TORTURED AND

IT WAS HORRIFIC.

THERE WAS A REPORT TOO ON THISCHANNEL THAT BY THE END OF HIS

CAPTIVITY, HE WAS PLAYING SOCCERWITH THESE GUYS.

>> Stephen: PLAYING SOCCERWITH THESE GUYS?

FOR ALL WE KNOW THE TALIBAN'SMOM BROUGHT ORANGE SLICES.

IT SOUNDS FUN.

I'M BETTING GETTING CAPTURED WASCLEARLY HIS GOOOOOOOAL!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BUT CAN WE PROVE THAT BEND IT

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]BUT CAN WE PROVE THAT BEND IT

LIKE BERGDAHL HERE IS ON THETALIBAN'S SIDE?

WELL, LUCKILY CNN FOUND A WAY TOBOIL THIS COMPLEX STORY DOWN TO

THE ONE QUESTION THAT MATTERS:DO YOU WATCH "HOMELAND"?

>> IT'S A STORY WITH SO MANYSUBPLOTS THAT NO WONDER MANY ARE

COMPARING BERGDAHL TO BRODY, THEFREED AMERICAN HOSTAGE ON

SHOWTIME'S "HOMELAND."

>> YOU ALMOST THINK YOU'REWATCHING "HOMELAND."

>> Stephen: YES, AND I'DALMOST THINK I WAS WATCHING THE

NEWS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]YOU SEE, BERGDAHL'S STORY IS

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]YOU SEE, BERGDAHL'S STORY IS

EXACTLY LIKE THE SHOWTIME DRAMA"HOMELAND" ABOUT A RESCUED

P.O.W. WHO MAY HAVE BEENBRAINWASHED BY ISLAMIC RADICALS.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THESIMILARITIES ARE NEARLY

EXISTENT.

>> LOOK AT THE SHOWS.

THERE WERE FAMILIES INVOLVED.

THERE WAS A REINTEGRATION BACKIN SOCIETY.

>> THE SHOW "HOMELAND"ORIGINATED IN ISRAEL. AND ISRAEL

HAD REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCE WITHTHESE PRISONER SWAPS.

HOPEFULLY HE WASN'T WATCHING"HOMELAND" AND MODELING HIS

STORY AFTER THAT BECAUSE ITDOESN'T END WELL FOR BRODY

YES, I CERTAINLY HOPE HEWASN'T WATCHING SHOWTIME IN HIS

CUSTOMIZED TALIBAN CAGE.

[APPLAUSE]OR WORSE, STARZ.

THAT IS TORTURE.

FOLKS, IT ALL LINES UP.

THEY BOTH HAVE FAMILIES.

THEY BOTH COME FROM SOCIETY.

HOMELAND ORIGINATED IN ISRAELAND BERGDAHL IS REAL.

I'M TELLING YOU, I'M TELLINGYOU, FOLKS, YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS

STUFF UP, ALTHOUGH WE WILLCONTINUE TO TRY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, YOU KNOW, I WAS DRAWINGON THIS PIECE OF PAPER.

HERE'S THE THING...

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]GOD, I LOVE YOU.

NATION I LIKE AT, BUT I DON'TALWAYS GET IT.

I'VE STARED AT ANDREW WYETH'S"CHRISTINA'S WORLD" FOR HOURS,

BUT MY EYES CAN NEVER UNFOCUS TOSEE THE T-REX AND THE VOLCANO,

AND AS MUCH AS I ENJOY ART,SOMETIMES IT'S THE CRAZIEST

[BLEEPED] THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

FOLKS, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,WHENEVER YOU SEE MASTERPIECES BY

SOMEONE LIKE VINCENT VAN GOGH,WHETHER IT BE "STARRY NIGHT" OR

"SUNFLOWERS," IT ALWAYS MAKESYOU ASK THE BIG QUESTIONS LIKE:

WHAT WOULD HIS CHOPPED-OFF EARLOOK LIKE?

WELL, WONDER NO LONGER.

>> WOULD YOU PAY TO SEE A HUMANEAR IN AN ART MUSEUM?

THE EAR OF ARTIST VINCENT VANGOGH IS ABOUT TO GO ON DISPLAY.

IN 1888, THE DUTCH ARTIST HAD APSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN AND

INEXPLICABLY SEVERED HIS OWNEAR.

NOW A GERMAN MUSEUM HAS AREPLICA OF THE EAR USING CELLS

ACTUALLY GROWN FROM VAN GOGH'SGREAT, GREAT NEPHEW.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S THAT EXCITING TIME IN EVERYCENTURY WHEN GERMAN MUSEUMS

BEGIN DISPLAYING HUMAN BODYPARTS.

FOLKS, AND THIS ONE REALLYDISGUSTS ME.

THERE'S YOUR EUROPEAN STYLESOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

VAN GOGH HAD TO WAIT 126 YEARSTO GET HIS EAR FIXED.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NOW, ACCORDING TO THE "EARTIST,"

DIEMUT STREBE, THE STILL-ALIVESTILL LIFE WAS CREATED BY USING

CELLS FROM LIEUWE VAN GOGH, THEGREAT, GREAT GRANDSON OF

VINCENT'S BROTHER THEO TO GROWTHE EAR AND A 3-D PRINTER

TO SHAPE IT. AND IF YOU THINK APAPER JAM IS TOUGH, TRY

CLEARING OUT AN EAR JAM.

NATION, THIS IS THE MOSTSUCCESSFUL USE OF BIOENGINEERING

IN ART SINCE PABLO PICASSOCREATED THAT FIVE-BOOBED LADY SO

HE COULD PAINT HER.

IT COULD VERY WELL USHER IN AWHOLE NEW MOVEMENT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

USING THIS SAME TECHNOLOGY, WEMIGHT FINALLY BE ABLE TO SEE

WHAT THIS GUY'S FACE LOOKED LIKEBEFORE IT WAS MANGLED IN A

HORRIBLE APPLE-PICKING ACCIDENT.

OR EVEN BETTER, EVEN BETTER, WECAN FINALLY GLIMPSE THE VENUS DE

MILO AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE.

AND THE BEST PART ABOUT THISEXHIBIT IS THAT VISITORS CAN

TALK TO IT.

>> VISITORS TO A GERMAN MUSEUMARE WAITING IN LINE FOR HOURS,

LITERALLY TO ASK QUESTIONSTHROUGH A MICROPHONE TO VINCENT

VAN GOGH'S RE-GROWN EAR.

THINK OF YOUR QUESTION FOR VANGOGH'S EAR, PLEASE.

>> Stephen: I'VE GOT ONE: WHY,GOD, WHY?

BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN EARS GROW ONCORN.

I HAVE SEEN EARS GROWN ON MICE.

BUT AN EAR GROWING IN A MUSEUM,THAT'S THE CRAZIEST [BLEEPED]

THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. MYGUEST TONIGHT IS A FAMILY

THERAPIST WHO STUDIES WHY PEOPLEHAVE AFFAIRS.

I HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING WITHSOMEONE YOU ARE PRETEND TO LOVE

PLEASE WELCOME ESTHER PEREL.

MS. PEREL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORCOMING ON.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

YOUNG LADY, BESIDES BEING THEAUTHOR OF THE BOOK

"MATING IN ACTIVITY: UNLOCKINGEROTIC INTELLIGENCE," YOU'RE A

COUPLES AND FAMILY THERAPIST INNEW YORK CITY AND YOU SPECIALIZE

WITH PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS ANDYOU ACTUALLY IN THE PAST YEAR

YOU EXPLODED ON THE WEB WITH ATED TALK YOU GAVE ABOUT WHY

PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS AND HOW THEKEEP RELATIONSHIPS FRESH.

ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY.

4.5 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE WATCHEDIT.

ALL RIGHT.

SO I'LL BITE.

ALL RIGHT.[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS HOW I KEEP THINGSFRESH.

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS?

AND DO YOU THINK IT'S OKAY FORTHEM TO HAVE THEM?

[LAUGHTER]>> I'LL START FROM THE SECOND

PART.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> AN AFFAIR IS A BETRAYAL.

AN AFFAIR IS A VIOLATION OFTRUST THAT IS NEVER OKAY.

>> Stephen: OKAY SO NEVER HAVEAN AFFAIR.

>> BUT PEOPLE DO.

AND THEY HAVE HAD AFFAIRS SINCEMARRIAGE WAS INVENTED.

SO MUCH SO, YOU'RE LOOKING AT MESTRANGE.

>> Stephen: NO NOT AT ALL.

I'M WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOETO DROP HERE.

SO FAR NOTHING TOOCONTROVERSIAL.

>> NO.

SO THE INTERESTING THING FOR MEIN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND

INFIDELITY IS TO LOOK AT THEFACT THAT PEOPLE EXPRESS THEIR

DISCONTENT OR THEIR LONELINESSOR THEIR SEXUAL FRUSTRATIONS AND

THAT THAT LEADS THEM TO BEUNFAITHFUL IS NOT SO DIFFICULT.

WHAT STRIKES ME IS WHY HAPPYPEOPLE CHEAT, WHY PEOPLE WHO ARE

ACTUALLY LOVING THEIR PARTNERAND ARE COMMITTED TO THEIR

FAMILY, TO THEIR CHILDREN, TOTHE PROJECT THAT THEY CREATED

TOGETHER ALSO FIND THEMSELVESSTRAYING, WHY THEY END UP SOME

DAY CROSSING A LINE THAT THEYNEVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD CROSS.

AND THEN THE QUESTION IS FOR AGLIMMER OF WHAT?

WHAT IS IT THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLYLONGING FOR, SEEKING?

>> Stephen: I THINK THEY'RESEEKING SEX.

>> ACTUALLY, NO.

>> Stephen: NO?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: NO.

>> NO.

I THINK IT'S A VERY EASY THINGTHAT WE OFTEN WANT TO THINK THAT

AFFAIRS ARE ABOUT SEX.

AFFAIRS ARE VERY LITTLE ABOUTSEX AND A LOT ABOUT DESIRE.

AFFAIRS ARE...

>> Stephen: DESIRE FOR...

>> DESIRE FOR ATTENTION, DESIRETO EXPERIENCE A SENSE OF

ALIVENESS, VIBRANCE, VITALITY.

>> Stephen: IN THE GROINALAREA.

>> THE GROINAL AREA IS A VERYNARROW VIEW OF WHERE SEX TAKES

PLACE.

>> Stephen: SOME OF THEM AREWIDER THAN OTHERS.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]PLEASE.

GO AHEAD.

OKAY.

>> , SO YOU KNOW...

>> Stephen: SO HAPPY PEOPLEHAVE AFFAIRS.

>> YES.

BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE DON'T ONLYLEAVE A PARTNER BECAUSE WE WANT

TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE, BUTSOMETIMES WE ACTUALLY WANT TO

FIND ANOTHER SELF.

>> Stephen: FIND ANOTHER SELF?

>> YES.

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT AFFAIRSTHAT ALLOWS PEOPLE TO RECONNECT

WITH LOST PARTS OF THEMSELVES.

>> Stephen: OH, SO, "HONEY,I WASN'T PUSHING YOU AWAY, I WAS

JUST PULLING ME TOWARDS MYSELF."

I WASN'T ACTUALLY CHEATING ONYOU, I WAS FINDING ME.

THAT'S A GREAT LINE.

>> I WAS DOING BOTH.

YOU CHEAT AND YOU FIND YOU.

THE STRANGE THING, THE PAINFULTHING ABOUT AFFAIRS IS THAT IT'S

A DUAL STORY.

WHILE ONE PERSON IS EXPERIENCINGEXPANSION AND GROWTH AND

ALIVENESS, ONCE IT IS KNOWN, THEOTHER PERSON EXPERIENCE UTTER

DEVASTATION AND PAIN ANDTRAUMA AND THESE TWO ARE

COEXISTING SIDE BY SIDE.

SHOULD YOU TELL YOURPARTNER YOU HAD AN AFFAIR?

>> YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU TELL,ASK YOURSELF... THAT'S ONE OF

THE MOST COMPLICATED QUESTIONS,TELLING OR NOT TELLING, AND WHAT

IS IT YOU TELL?

DO YOU EXPLAIN THE MEANING OFWHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED, OR DO

YOU EXPLAIN THE SORDID DETAILS?

BUT BEFORE YOU TELL, YOU ASKYOURSELF, WHO IS THIS FOR?

IS THIS TO UNLOAD MY BADCONSCIENCE OR IS THIS REALLY

BECAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT THEWELL-BEING OF MY PARTNER.

BEFORE YOU TELL, ASK YOURSELF,DOES YOUR PARTNER ACTUALLY WANT

TO KNOW?

AND BEFORE YOU TELL, ASKYOURSELF WHETHER YOU'D LIKE TO

LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OFKNOWING.

IT'S A VERY COMPLICATED THINGTHIS TELLING BUSINESS.

>> Stephen: SO DON'T TELL.

>> NO.

THINK.

[LAUGHTER]>> Stephen: COMPLICATED.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: NOW, WHATCONSTITUTES AN AFFAIR?

I AM IN A LOVING, COMMITTEDRELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE

LORRAINE.

AND LORRAINE'S A WONDERFULWOMAN, I LOVE HER, AND IT'S VERY

FRESH, BUT FOR NINE YEARS I'VEHAD A HOT AND SLOPPY

RELATIONSHIP WITH THESE PEOPLEOUT HERE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]IS AN AFFAIR ALWAYS PHYSICAL OR

CAN IT BE JUST EMOTIONAL?

>> AN AFFAIR CAN BE THE WHOLEMYRIAD OF THINGS.

IT CAN BE A FANTASY.

IT CAN BE INACTIVE.

IT CAN BE PHYSICAL.

IT CAN BE EMOTIONAL.

IT CAN BE SEXUAL AND IT CAN BEJUST FANTASIZED.

WHAT CONSTITUTES AN AFFAIR ISTHE ACTUAL BETRAYAL OF

THE TRUST, NOT THE BEHAVIOR.

FOR SOME PEOPLE, A ONE-NIGHTSTAND IS NO LESS PAINFUL THAN A

30-YEAR PARALLEL LIFE.

WHAT CONSTITUTES IT IS THEBREACH OF TRUST, NOT WHAT YOU'VE

ACTUALLY BEEN DOING WITH THESEPEOPLE FOR NINE YEARS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S BETWEEN MEAND THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

ESTHER PEREL, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR JOINING ME.

MATING IN CAPTIVITY, ESTHERPEREL.

CHECK HER OUT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THAT'S IT FOR "THEREPORT," EVERYBODY.

GOODNIGHT.