Monday, March 9, 2015

  • 03/09/2015

Mamrie Hart, Yassir Lester and Jonah Ray learn about a new term that Chris coined on "Talking Dead," list #SofterActionHeroes and make announcements as Apple CEO Tim Cook.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

A CLASSIC VIDEO CYBERGOTHS INAN EARLY AFTERNOON RAVE

GOT REMIX WITH MUSIC FROM"THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE," AND

THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THINGYOU'LL SEE TODAY.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"AND THEN WHEN GOTHAM IS INASHES, ONLY THEN WILL YOU HAVE

MY PERMISSION TO DIE.

THOMAS THE TRAIN, WHOOOWHOOO!"

>> SO GOOD.

>> LOVE IT.

>> Chris: AND SINCE ALL GOODKIDS' SHOWS HAVE A MORAL

AT THE END OF THEM, WHAT ISTHE LESSON OF THIS VIDEO,

MAMRIE.

>> REMEMBER, KIDS, YOU DON'THAVE TO USE DRUGS TO

COMPLETELY SHAME YOURFAMILY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> REMEMBER, KIDS, THINGSBET PRETTY CRAZY AT THE HOT

TOPIC COMPANY RETREAT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

JONAH.

>> REMEMBER, KIDS, DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHICH --

I THINK IT'S VERY FITTINGFOR A GROUP OF GOTHS.

VERY FITTING, INDEED.

LAST NIGHT DURING "TALKINGDEAD," I TOLD ALEXANDRA

BREAKENRIDGE, WHO PLAYSJESSIE, THAT HER HUSBAND PETE

WAS A, QUOTE PORCH DICK,BECAUSE HE YELLS AT RICK

DRUNKENLY FROM THE PORCH.

I AM FROM THE SOUTH.

THAT'S A THING THAT HAPPENSDOWN THERE.

DUDES FROM THE SAFETY OFTHEIR OWN PORCHES WILL YELL

[BLEEP] AT YOU.

PORCH DICK IMMEDIATELYTRENDING ON TWITTER FOR

SEVERAL HOURS AND WAS SOON,AND I'M SO PROUD, THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR MAKING THAT HAPPEN.

(APPLAUSE)

IT WAS SO --

IT JUST NARROWLY CLIMBEDTHE LADDER PAST LIKE, OTHER

IMPORTANT HUMANITARIANCAUSES.

WELL, SOON IT WAS ADDED TOURBAN DICTIONARY SO THANK

YOU FOR THAT, THERE WE GO.

PORCH DICK: AN INTIMIDATINGDOUCHE WHO TAUNTS YOU FROM THE

SAFETY OF HIS PORCH, JESSIE'SHUSBAND FROM "THE WALKING DEAD"

IS A PORCH DICK TO RICK.

SO NOW THAT YOU HAVE SEENTHIS EXAMPLE, I WOULD LIKE

YOU TO USE PORCHDICK IN ASENTENCE.

MAMRIE.

>> WENT LOOKING FOR SOMEPORCH DICK BUT ENDED UP

GETTING SOME PATIO HEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PATIO HEAD IS MYRADIOHEAD COVER BAND WITH

RETIREMENT COMMUNITY--

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT. JONAH RAY.

>> GET OFF MY PORCH, DICK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAG WARS!

YOU CAN PROBABLY FEEL THEVIBE IN THE AIR. TOMORROW IS

CHUCK NORRIS'S BIRTHDAY.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS ACTIONFIGURE WHO NOW NEEDS A

WALKER, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SofterActionHeroes.

EXAMPLE MIGHT BE, SHY STALLONE.

LESLEY SNIPES, OR MOM SELICK, ORTRUFFLE CROW.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK RIGHT NOW AND BEGIN.

YES, JONAH.

>> DANIEL JENNY CRAIG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> LINT EASTWOOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> JEAN CLAUDE MINIVAN DAMME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> ARNOLD SCHWARTZ.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> BRUCE "WATCHU TALKIN' 'BOUT" WILLIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> SULK HOGAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> MICKEY BJORK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> HARRISON FORD FIESTA.

>> POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> WHATEVER VIN DIESEL'SREAL NAME IS. I HAVE NO IDEA.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> DWAYNE THE ROCKY ROADJOHNSON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> SYLVESTER STALLONELY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> ROBERT DOWNIE JUNIOR MINTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS. YASSIR.

>> KEANU GRIEVES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PERFECT.

JONAH.

>> WILLIAM SHAT.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

>> Chris: WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY TOYS 'R' UPSETTING.

TOYS 'R' UPSETTING.

TODAY IS BARBIE DAY,CELEBRATING THE 1959 DEBUT

OF THE ICONIC CLASSIC BEAUTYWITH THE IMPOSSIBLY HIGH

PHYSICAL STANDARD.

SINCE THEN THE ONLY THINGSTHAT'S GROWN MORE THAN THE

TOY BUSINESS HAS BEEN THEBOOTLEG TOY BUSINESS.

PLAYBOY.COM TOOK ILL-ADVISEDTIME AWAY FROM SHOWING

BOOBIES TO COMPILE TRULY A IMAGAZINE BLACK MARKET ACTION

FIGURES.

COMEDIANS, I WILL SHOW YOUBOOTLEG TOYS. FOR 250 POINTS

GIVE A LINE FOR THE SATURDAYMORNING COMMERCIAL FOR THESE

KNOCKOFFS.

THESE COMPLETELY AUTHENTICNINJA TORTOISES.

THEY'RE DIFFERENT, YOURHONOR, COME ON.

>> I THINK THE CATCHPHRASEWAS, "ZEROES IN A HALF-SHELL.

TORTOISE POWER."

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> AND THEN THE SEQUEL TO THEMOVIE, "SECRET OF THE SPOOGE."

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THE FIRST PART.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Chris: I SHOULD TAKE THEMAWAY FOR THE SECOND ONE.

>> I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOUWERE DOING.

>> Chris: HERE WE GO.

I WILL TAKE THE POINTS AWAY.

>> THAT WAS SMOOTH.

>> I LIKE THIS.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW YOU WHAT GOTTO DO TO GET THOSE BACK.

>> PORCH DICK.

>> Chris: YEAH! A HUNDRED POINTSFOR MAMRIE.

>> HEY.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, I CAN'TSTAY MAD AT YOU.

HERE IS YOUR 250 POINTS BACKBACK.

>> YAY!

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> CLEANING UP THE MEANSTREETS OF GALLAPGOS.

>> Chris: YES, PONTS.

I LOVE IT.

>> THAT WAS-- THAT WASCLEVER.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THIS HALFASS ATTEMPT AT BUSTING GHOSTS.

WHAT IS THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: I AM NOT FRIGHTENED BYA SPOOK.

YASSIR.

>> A SPOOK-CHASERS, ONLYSOLD IN THE SOUTH.

>> Chris: OH, [BLEEP]. OH, MAN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> SPOOK CHASERS!

WHO WILL YOU TELEPHONE?

SPOOK CHASERS!

>> WHO ARE YOU GO STOCK PAGE?

>> Chris: IF THERE IS A THINGTHAT IS STRANGE, IF YOUR HOUSE

IS NEAR YOU.

WHO WILL YOU TELEPHONE,SPOOK CHASERS!

(APPLAUSE)

JONAH RAY.

>> OH, IS IT TIME FOR ME?

>> Chris: YEAH.

>> SPOOK CHASER, WE WENTWITH THE FIRST NAME WE COULD

THINK OF THAT WAS PROBABLY AREAL BAD IDEA.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

>> IT WASN'T FUNNY 50[BLEEP] MINUTES AGO.

(APPLAUSE)

I HAVE TO DO MY JOKE AFTER THEAPPLAUSE BREAK OF YOUR PARODY

SONG.

>> I'M SORRY, I'M TOO FUNNY FORYOU TO FOLLOW, JONAH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> IF I HAD ANOTHER 20 YEARS ONTHIS EARTH, I WOULD BE AS FUNNY

AS YOU?

>> Chris: OH, YOU SON OF ABITCH.

HOW DARE YOU!

HOW [BLEEP]ING DARE YOU!

NEXT ONE, THIS BLOATED SHREK.

WHAT IS THIS.

WHAT IS THAT?

SHREK 2?

SHREK SMASH.

MAMES.

>> MAY CAUSE EXCESSIVEBULLYING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> YOU CAN FIT UP TO FIVELUNCHABLES, YOU FAT POOR

KID.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR JONAH.

JONAH.

JONAH.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: WERE YOU THAT LITTLEFAT POOR KID?

>> I WAS THAT LITTLE FATPOOR KID!

>> Chris: YELLING AT YOURSELF.

FINALLY THIS MAY NOT BE AKNOCKOFF BUT IT IS CERTAIN

TO COMPLETELY MIND-[BLEEP]YOUR CHILD --

DOGS!

>> OH MY GOSH.

>> Chris: RUFF, RUFF.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF MYEGGS, RUFF, RUFF.

YASSIR.

>> STEVIE WONDER PRESENTS:DOGS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

AMAZING.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A MAN WHO GOT BURNED

WHILE PRAYING OVER A FAJITASKILLET AT APPLEBEE'S AND

ASKED TO YOU TELL ME WHATHIS PRAYER WAS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

YASSIR, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> DEAR SATAN, THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR THESE FAJITAS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

YONAH.

>> DEAR GOW, I FINALLY HAVETO ADMIT YOU DON'T EXIST

BECAUSE HERE I AM EATING ATAPPLEBEE'S.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

WELL-- MAIMRY.

>> DEAR GOD, SORRY, BRAH,I'M JUST PRETENDING TO PRAY

BECAUSE MY WAITRESS HAS HUGETITS AND A CRUCIFIX NECKLACE.

>> Chris: OH.

SO GOOD.

AS WE GO TOOUR NEXT GAME, AND ONE MORE

THING.

AND ONE MORE THING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, NOT TO MAKE THIS TOOCOMPETITIVE BUT ARE YOU

TIED RIGHT NOW.

>> WE KNOW BUT WE'RE LIKEBEST FRIENDS SO--

>> WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE.

>> Chris: SO I POSTED A THING ONMY INSTAGRAM TODAY --

I USED TO GO TO ALL OF THEAPPLE ANNOUNCEMENTS.

I WAS THERE IN 2010 WHENSTEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED THE

iPAD AND EVERYONE WAS LIKEIT IS A BIG iPHONE, AND THEN,

OF COURSE, IT TOOK OVER THEWORLD.

SO YOU PROBABLY KNOW THAT ATAPPLE PRODUCT LAUNCH EVENT,

STEVE USED TO FAMOUSLYCONCLUDE BY SETTING UP A

FINAL NOTE OF EXCITING NEWSWITH THE PHRASE AND ONE MORE

THING.

TODAY, HOWEVER, TIM COOK THEC.E.O. LEFT US HANGING.

WHAT'S UP, BRO?

SO COMEDIANS, I WHAT LIKEYOU TO GIVE ME AS MANY "ONE

MORE THING ANNOUNCEMENTS"FROM APPLE AS YOU CAN.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ANDBEGIN.

MAMRIE.

>> AN ONE MORE THING, WE'RENOW CALLING iPADS LITTLE

STINKERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

J. RAY.

>> ONE MORE THING, LIVE FROMNEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY

NIGHT!

>> Chris: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> AND ONE MORE THING,YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> ONE MORE THING, WE KNOWYOU KEEP YOUR PORN IN A

FOLDER LABELED 2007 TAXES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YASSIR.

>> AND AND ONCE MORE THING,WE'VE INVENTED A $50,000 FORK,

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> ONE MORE THING, LIFE IS AHOLOGRAM AND WE OWN THE

PATENT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> AND ONE MORE THING,THERE'S A BLUE PT CRUISER IN

THE PARKING DECK WITH THELIGHTS ON.