Monday, January 27, 2014

  • 01/27/2014

It's a reunion of The State as Michael Showalter, Kerri Kenney-Silver and Michael Ian Black of the legendary sketch group take to the podiums and battle it out.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FIRST COMEDIAN TO BUZZ IN THE

CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100 POINTS.

RAPPER PHARRELL WILLIAMS WORETHIS HAT AT LAST NIGHT'S

GRAMMYS.

(LAUGHTER)DID HE MURDER A PROSPECTOR?

(LAUGHTER)"THERE'S GOLD!"

THIS, OF COURSE, SPARKEDPHARRELL'S HAT TWITTER HANDLE,

A TWEET FROM ARBY'S ASKINGPHARRELL TO RETURN ITS HAT...

(LAUGHTER)SEEN HERE.

AND A SERIES OF DELIGHTFULMEMES.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING MEMESGOT THE MOST RETWEETS?

A) SMOKEY THE BEAR'S REALTWITTER ACCOUNT ASKING FOR THAT

HAT.

B.) THIS CURIOUS GEORGE MEMEWITH THE CAPTION "SPRING BOOK,

2014."

OR C) PHARRELL AS TOY STORY'SWOODY CAPTIONED "TO INFINITY

AND BEYONCE."

MIKE BLACK?

>> SMOKEY BEAR, A!

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER ISYES, A FOR 100 POINTS.

>> I WAS HOPING THE ANSWER WASGOING TO BE WOODY BECAUSE I

WANTED TO HEAR EVERYBODY SAYWOODY.

>> Chris: THE BIGGEST WINNERLAST NIGHT WASN'T ON THE

GRAMMYS.

IT WAS ROYAL RUMBLE WINNERBATISTA.

BUT IT WAS TRULY AMERICA WHO WONBECAUSE WE WERE ALL WITNESSES

TO THE EPIC WWE FAN FREAKOUTFILMED BY THIS GENTLEMAN'S

INCREDIBLY UNDERSTANDINGAND PATIENT GIRLFRIEND AND THEN

POSTED ON WORLDSTARHIPHOP.

(BANGING)>> MICHAEL!

>> BATISTA LEAVES FOR THREE(BLEEP) YEARS AND THEN COMES

BACK AND WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE?!

(BANGING)GO!

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: OKAY, THIS GUY'S

GIRLFRIEND FILMED THIS.

THERE IS NO REASON WHY ANYONESHOULD BE SINGLE EVER!

(LAUGHTER)THERE IS CLEARLY SOMEONE FOR

EVERYONE!

(LAUGHTER)>> I JUST... I WOULD HAVE PUT MY

HUSBAND IN A DIFFERENT T-SHIRTIF I HAD KNOWN HE WAS GOING TO

BE ALL OVER THE YOUTUBES.

>> I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM ADIFFERENT BODY IF I'D KNOWN HE

WAS GOING TO BE ON YOUTUBE.

>> HE WAS VERY UPSET ABOUTBATISTA.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWINGREAL COMMENTS ON THIS VIDEO

RECEIVED THE MOST UPVOTES?

A) BRA GOT A BEARD AND TOYS.

B) SOME "N" WORD I CAN'T SAYWEARING ROCAFELLA-- MAYBE

IT'S THE WORD "NUTELLA," I DON'TKNOW-- WEARING ROCAFELLA SHIRTS

BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY BRANDTHAT SELLS 6XL.

(LAUGHTER)NUTELLA, PLEASE.

(LAUGHTER)OR, C) I HAVE A FEELING

HIS HOUSE SMELLS LIKE FUNYUNS,FEET AND DIRT.

(LAUGHING)MIKE BLACK?

>> C!

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,IN FACT, B!

>> THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

NUTELLA'S NOT A THING THAT WEARSSHIRTS!

TIME FOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, THE STATE, ONE OF

THE GREATEST SKETCH COMEDYSHOWS.

IT WAS ON MTV IN THE 1990s.

WE WERE THERE AROUND THE SAMETIME, ALMOST.

BACK IN THE 1900s.

>> THE 1990s, KIDS, THAT WASBEFORE WE HAD MACHINES!

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: WELL, IN HONOR OF YOUR

GUYS' SHOW, WE DECIDED TO MAKEOUR HASHTAG TONIGHT

#SADTVSHOWS.

BASICALLY MAKING A T.V. SHOWTITLE SAD.

SO INSTANCES WOULD BE "ALL INTHE DEATH IN THE FAMILY."

OR "SLAVED BY THE BELL."

OR "RENO 9/11" WOULD BE ANOTHERVERSION OF THAT.

(LAUGHTER)SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK STARTING NOW, ANDGO! SHOWALTER?

>> "THE WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE."

>> Chris: POINTS!

KERRI KENNEY?

>> "HOW I MET THE GUY I THINKMIGHT BE YOUR FATHER."

>> Chris: VERY SAD TALE.

POINTS.

MIKE BLACK?

>> THE BRAIDSY BUNCH.

>> Chris: WHY IS THAT SAD?

>> IT'S GOT "AIDS" IN THE MIDDLEOF IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: VERY SAD, POINTS.

I HAVE TO GIVE HIM POINTS.

SHOWALTER?

>> "DOWNER ABBEY."

>> Chris: POINTS!

KERRI KENNEY?

>> THE BIG GANG BANG THEORY.

>> Chris: NOT SO SAD!

>> IT IS IF IT'S HAPPENING TOYOU.

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS.

MIKE BLACK?

>> FULL HOUSE OF CHILDRENORPHANED BY THE EARTHQUAKE IN

HAITI.

>> Chris: POINTS!

THAT'S VERY SAD.

KERRI KENNEY?

>> "AMERICA'S GOT CRABS."

>> Chris: TRUE STATEMENT,ALSO A GREAT POINTS TITLE.

MIKE BLACK?

>> DORA THE BICURIOUS EXPLORER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE SHOWALTER?

>> CHERNOBYL 5-0.

>> Chris: POINTS!

KERRI?

>> LAW AND ORDER SPECIALOLYMPICS UNIT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: POINTS!

MIKE?

>> THE "TONIGHT SHOW" WITH CONANO'BRIEN!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Chris: POINTS!

THAT WAS A SAD THING THATHAPPENED, YES, DEFINITELY.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "SPECIALSKILLS."

(APPLAUSE)ACTORS ALL OVER THE WORLD GO

TO SITES LIKE www.backstage.comTO POST HEADSHOTS AND RESUMES--

RESUMES THAT INCLUDE REALLYSPECIFIC ENTRIES LIKE THE

SPECIAL SKILLS CATEGORY.

THAT'S BASICALLY WHERE YOU SAYYOU CAN DO A LOT OF STUFF AND

YOU'RE LIKE, "IF SOMEONE EVERASKS ME I'LL (BLEEP)ING

FIGURE IT OUT."

I'VE NEVER RIDDEN A HORSE BUTIT'S FINE, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

LIKE FOR INSTANCE THIS ACTRESS,DANCER, MODEL, ARTIST TYPE

PERSON.

SO IF YOU GUYS NEED AN ATHLETICPOET YOGI WHO CAN ROLLERBLADE

CROSS-EYED WITH A CARRIBBEANACCENT, ADDIE BANKS IS YOUR GAL.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUAN ACTOR'S HEAD SHOT WE FOUND ON

www.backstage.com.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU BUZZ INWITH A FUNNY SPECIAL SKILL

YOU THINK THEY'D POSSESS.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THAT LADY, SORT OF LOOKING BACK.

SHOWALTER?

>> CAN ROTATE HEAD 360 DEGREESLIKE THE GIRL IN "THE EXORCIST."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Chris: ALSO SPEAKING IN

TONGUES AND DEMONIC POSSESSION.

YES, POINTS.

YES, MIKE BLACK?

>> NO LEFT SIDE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: HOW IS THAT A SPECIAL

SKILL?

>> YOU TRY NOT HAVING A LEFTSIDE.

>> Chris: WELL, I DON'T WANT TOTRY NOT HAVING A LEFT SIDE.

>> BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THATSKILL!

>> Chris: YOU'RE RIGHT,I'M SORRY, OKAY, POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THAT GUY.

MIKE BLACK?

>> HOGWARTS CUSTODIAN.

>> Chris: YES!

HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE FILCH!

(APPLAUSE)SHOWALTER?

>> JUGGLING.

T'S SO GREAT TO HAVE

YOU HERE AND IT'S UNFORTUNATETHE REST OF THE CAST COULDN'T BE

HERE BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANYMEMBERS OF THE STATE AND IT

WAS SUCH A GREAT ENSEMBLE CAST.

>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.

PEOPLE ASK US ALL THE TIME,IS THE STATE GOING TO GET BACK

TOGETHER?

IT'S HARD TO GET US TOGETHERBECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE

THAT FRANKLY WE DON'T SEE EACHOTHER AS OFTEN AS WE'D LIKE TO.

>> BUT LET'S FACE IT, AT LEASTJOE LO TRUGLIO ISN'T HERE.

NOBODY'S MISSING HIM!

(LAUGHS)>> GUYS!

GUYS, I'M HERE!

IT'S ME!

>> Chris: HEY, IT'S JOE LOTRUGLIO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU ALL LOOK TERRIFIC.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

I DRESS LIKE THIS NOWSINCE THE GLOBES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: FOR THOSE OF YOU

WHO DON'T KNOW, JOE IS ON A SHOWTHAT NOBODY WATCHES CALLED

"BROOKLYN NINE-NINE."

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S SO FUNNY,IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS.

I RARELY SEE ANY OF THE OTHERGUYS, LIKE THAT GUY GLEN GARANT.

>> BEN GARANT?

>> I STOOD RIGHT IN LINEIN FRONT OF HIM FOR 45 MINUTES.

"HEY, JOE!"(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DID THE GLOBES CHANGE YOU?

AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY?

(LAUGHTER)YEAH, I WORK HERE NOW.

I'M HERE EVERY DAY.

>> OH, YOU DO CRAFT SERVICE?

>> I BROUGHT YOU YOUR COFFEE,YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

>> IT NEEDED MORE CREAM.

(LAUGHTER)>> TOM IS HERE, TOO, BUT I

HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN YEARS.

>> OH, I HEARD HE PASSED.

>> I THINK THAT MIGHT BE TRUE.

>> HE DID PASS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

TOM LENNON?

TOM LENNON WAS SUCH A GOODBEATLE.

>> HE WAS ONE OF THE BESTBEATLES.

>> HE WROTE SO MANY GOOD SONGS.

>> GUYS, I PRETEND TO LOSETHIS SHOW TWO NIGHTS A WEEK.

>> PRETEND, REALLY PRETENDOR LOSING FOR REALS?

>> YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!

>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD.

>> YOU GUYS, I WOULD LOVETO GET THE STATE TOGETHER.

I'M A HUGE FAN OF A COUPLE OFYOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)AND I WOULD LOVE...

I MEAN, WE'LL NEVER GETSOME PEOPLE, LIKE WE'D NEVER

GET DAVID WAIN, FOR EXAMPLE.

>> HE'S BUSY.

HE'S GOT ALL THE INDEPENDENTSPIRIT AWARDS, DIRECTING STUFF

AND...

>> I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU GUYS.

RIGHT HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I'M SUBBING FOR MY FRIEND BRUCE

ON CAMERA TWO TODAY, SO...

(LAUGHTER)I'M ALSO DIRECTING THE SHOW.

OKAY, LET'S GET ANOTHER SHOTOF THE THREE PANELISTS,

READY CAMERA ONE AND GO.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU KNOW WHO I REMEMBER FROM

THE STATE?

>> WHO WAS THAT?

>> HE USED TO DIRECT A LOT OFTHE STUFF, HE LOOKED LIKE A

PEDOPHILE...

(LAUGHING)>> SHORT GUY?

>> NO, TALLER GUY.

>> GAY GUY?

>> NO.

>> BLACK GUY?

>> THERE WAS NEVER A BLACK GUY.

MICHAEL JANN.

>> OH, GOD.

>> WE'LL NEVER SEE THAT GUYAGAIN.

>> (CLEARING THROAT)HEY!

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS IN LIKETHREE TO FIVE YEARS.

(LAUGHTER)AND I'M NOT INTO GAY

OR PEDOPHILIA ANYMORE.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THE GUY WHO'D BE REALLY HARDTO GET IS KEN MARINO.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCEI STOPPED GOING TO MEETINGS.

>> I WANT TO DIP MY BALLS IN IT!

>> Chris: KEN MARINO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANKS FOR BRINGING YOUR BALLS,

KEN MARINO!

THANKS FOR LETTING ME TAKE YOURBALLS.

ANOTHER HUGE HAND FOR THESTATE!

(APPLAUSE)A REDDITOR RECENTLY ASKED,

"USING ONLY THREE WORDS, HOWMUCH CAN YOU MAKE ME CRINGE?"

WE LIKED THE IDEA SO MUCHWE TURNED IT INTO A GAME.

JOE LO TRUGLIO, GET ON UP HERE!

JOE LO TRUGLIO, EVERYONE!

(CHEERING)YOU'RE DRESSED SO NICE, HELLO!

SO I'M GOING TO PUT YOU RIGHTHERE.

NORMALLY YOU'D GET POINTS IF YOUCOULD MAKE ME CRINGE WITH THREE

WORDS, BUT NOW IF YOU CAN MAKEJOE LO TRUGLIO CRINGE,

THAT'S HOW YOU GET POINTS.

YOU HAVE THREE WORDS TO MAKE JOECRINGE.

EVERY TIME HE CRINGES,YOU GET 250 POINTS.

60 SECONDS, AND GO!

MIKE BLACK?

>> KE$HA'S PUBIC STUBBLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KERRI KENNEY?

>> GRANDMA'S ANAL BEADS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: I SAW AN EYEBROW

TWITCH, I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

SHOWALTER?

>> DUNGEONESS CRAB POOPS.

(LAUGHTER)>> Chris: NO POINTS?

>> NO, I CRINGED!

>> Chris: OKAY, POINTS, POINTS.

NEXT ONE?

MIKE BLACK?

>> SAMBERG'S SLOPPY SECONDS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Chris: POINTS!

BIG CRINGE.

KERRI KENNEY?

>> BIEBER'S BED STAINS.

>> OH, GOD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SHOWALTER?

>> TURKEY GRAVY BRAIN FART.

>> Chris: TOO MANY WORDS!

NO POINTS.

YOU VIOLATED THE SACRED RULE OFCRINGEWORTHY.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)THANK YOU SO MUCH, JOE LO

TRUGLIO.

THAT'S THE END.

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