Precipice of Yesterday

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 11/14/2015

One of the aliens becomes addicted to Jeff's farts, a man contracts a rare STD, and Jerk Chicken goes speed dating.

WELL, IT'S HALFTIMEHERE AT MEMORIAL FIELD,

AND THE PLANO HIGH BULLDOGS

ARE DOWN 24 TO NOTHINGTO THE COOLIDGE TIGERS.

BUT DON'T COUNT THE BULLDOGSOUT YET, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW,

LEGENDARY COACHHENRY "BUCK" DENIM

IS NO DOUBT DELIVERINGONE OF HIS FAMOUS

MOTIVATIONAL HALFTIME SPEECHES

TO WHIP THESE GUYSINTO A SECOND HALF FRENZY.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

I DON'T KNOWWHAT I JUST SAW OUT THERE!

BUT I'M VERY UNCOMFORTABLEWITH ALL OF THIS.

NONE OF THIS LOOKS FAMILIARTO ME AT ALL!

CAN ANYBODY TELL MEWHAT THE HELL WE'RE DOING?

HELLO?DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

- AM I SPEAKING ENGLISH?- YES.

WELL, THAT'S A START,AT LEAST.

[TAPPING SOUND]

WHAT IS THAT--YOUR LITTLE DRAWING THERE?

ZIP TWO ROLL OVERTOMAHAWK ZONE BLITZ.

IT'S A NEWDEFENSIVE SCHEME.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT?

OH, THIS IS JUSTPLAIN EXHAUSTING.

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE A NAP.

WOULD THAT BE OKAY IF I JUSTLAID DOWN AND TOOK A NAP?

[EQUIPMENT CLATTERS]

I DON'T LIKETHIS FEELING--NOT ONE BIT!

DO ANY OF YOU PEOPLEKNOW WHO I AM?

WELL, WHO AM I?

PLEASE, TELL ME.

YOU'RE COACH DENIM.

- WHO?- COACH DENIM!

AND WHO ARE YOU?

WE'RE THE PLANO HIGH BULLDOGS!

- WHOO!- YEAH!

WE'RE THE BULLDOGS!

- WHERE ARE WE GOING?- TO STATE CHAMPIONSHIP!

- YEAH!- DO I NEED TO BRING MY WALLET?

WE'RE GONNA GO BACK OUTON THAT FIELD

AND KICK SOME TIGER ASS!

ALL: BULLDOGS! BULLDOGS!

BULLDOGS, BULLDOGS, BULLDOGS...

(ANNOUNCER)IN THE SECOND HALF,

THE BULLDOGSSTAGED A MIRACULOUS COMEBACK.

THEY DEDICATED THE GAMETO THEIR LEGENDARY COACH,

WHO HAD LEFTTHE HALFTIME LOCKER ROOM

AND WANDERED OUT ONTOWHAT IS NOW KNOWN AS

BUCK DENIM MEMORIAL FREEWAY.

I, uh...

I'm afraid I havesome bad news, son.

Oh..what is it?Is it cancer?

Afraid not.

Oh! It's worse than cancer?

Oh, man!

I'm so sorry to haveto tell you this,

but it seemsyou've contracted space herpes.

Oh, God!

Wait, what?

Space herpes--it's an ETSTD.

ETSTD?

An extraterrestrialsexually transmitted disease.

It is similar to regular herpes,but it's from space.

[laughs]

What? Wait a minute,is this some sort of joke here?

No. And unfortunately,

there are no curesfor space herpes,

but there are severaltreatments which--

Wow, okay.

Are you really suggestingthat I had sex with an alien?

- What?- I'm not suggesting.

You did, dumb shit.And now you have space herpes.

Yeah, well,that's impossible.

We don't even know if alienseven exist in the universe.

- So...- Well, obviously they do,

or I wouldn't be standing herewearing a goddamned white coat

and stethoscope telling youthat you have space herpes.

Oh ho ho, really?

Yes, and I'm not tryingto judge your lifestyle,

but most people find the ideaof having sex with a slimy

green space alien disgusting.

Okay, well,I want a second opinion.

[laughs]Be my guest.

You might want to tryDr. Biber.

He wrote his medical thesison space herpes.

Stop saying space herpes,you [bleep] quack!

It's not a real thing!

You are ridiculous.I am out of here.

Wait.Just wait, okay?

I prepared a treatment kitto get you started.

You're gonna need it.

There's an ointmentfor the space sores.

There are pills and introductoryDVD about your condition,

and...a scraper.

Why do I needthe scraper?

[undertone]Oh, you'll find out.

You told me you'd been tested,

and now I've got[bleep] space herpes!

[whining gibberish]

- No, don't!- [shrill noises]

This is not funny!

[squishing sound]Oh, my God!

I knowwhat the scraper's for now.