Thursday, June 5, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01074
  • 06/05/2014

In this special extended episode, Paul F. Tompkins, Heather Anne Campbell and Brett Gelman list #ElderlyNBA players and teams and caption weird engagement photos.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OFSTEAMENGINE TIME, THREE PEOPLE

SIMULTANEOUSLY INVENTED THESTEAM ENGINE AT THE SAME TIME,

MEANING HISTORY SAID IT WAS TIMEFOR THE STEAM ENGINE.

WELL ACCORDING TO THIS INDY GOGO TIME, IT'S GALACTIC CAP TIME,

JACK, ROLL THAT CLIP.>> IT'S APPLIED HOURS OR EVEN

DAYS BEFORE SEX. THE BASEBECOMES LIKE A SECOND SKIN.

>> WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY OCCURS,YOU SIMPLY APPLY THE RESERVOIR

CAP AND IT'S EASY, JUST PEEL OFFTHE PAPERBACKING AND STICK IT TO

THE POLYURETHANE FILM BASE.

>> Chris: I MEAN, GUYS, IT ISSO EASY!

>>BABY I'M SO TURNED ON I'MGOING TO GO TO THE GARAGE AND

MIS THE EPOXY AND THE RESIN.

AT WHAT POINT DOES MARIO COMEOUT AND SQUASH THAT?

>> WHAT ARE SOME UNNECESSARILYCOMPLICATED POSSIBLY PAINFUL

STEPS TO APPLY THE GALACTIC CAPTHAT YOU MIGHT THINK.

>> I AM ASHAMED TO SAY I HAVESEEN THIS BEING USED.

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> NOT ON ME, NOT ON ME.

>> Chris: OKAY.

STILL, WHAT.

>> IT WAS A PARK.

>> ANYWAY -->> THERE ARE A COUPLE OF OTHER

INSTRUCTIONS THAT I NOTICED ONEIS THAT YOU MUST PREPARE THE

SHAFT WITH A CARROT PEELER.

>> Chris: NO!

>> AND YOU TWIST THE HEAD UNTILFULLY BURNT.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS. I WILL GIVE YOU POINTFOR THAT.

TO TEST THE SEAL, POUR SOMEPIPING HOT COFFEE OR ONION SOUP

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GUYS,MOVING ON.

IT SADDEDS ME, BUT WE HAVE TOMOVE ON.

GOOD NEWS FOR LONELY SINGLES WHOAIN'T SO HOT IN THE FACE.

NOW A NEW DATING APP CALLEDLOVEFLUTTER IS LOOKING FOR NICE

PERSONALITIES, SO INSTEAD OFGETTING SNAP JUDGED BY YOUR

BUSTED ON YOUR FUGGO FACE THEFIRST THING LOVEFLUTTER, USERS

140 CHARACTER QUIRKY FACT YOUSUBMIT. WHAT IS THE QUIRK FACT

YOU WOULD SUBMIT ON YOURPROFILE, PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

>> I AM ACTUALLY SIX RACOONS INAN ELABORATE COSTUME.

>> Chris: HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL

>> I'VE GOT AN EXTERNALBLADDER WE CAN GOOF AROUND WITH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> I'M ADDICTED TO PHYSICAL TOPHYSICAL COMEDY.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'SSATURDAY NIGHT!

HASHTAG WARS!

>> IT IS NOT AN ACTUAL WAR, ITIS A WORD WAR, IT IS NOT --

>> YOU THROW THE TERMS AROUND>> Chris: THE FIRST GAME OF

THE NBA FINALS WAS TONIGHT, WITHTHE MIAMI HEAT FACING SAN

ANTONIO SPURS, THE SPURS AREFULL OF GERIATIC PLAYERS LIKE

TIM DUNCAN.

SO IN HONOR OF THE SPURSTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS #ELDERLYNBA

EXAMPLES ARE LAMAR OLD-MAN,MANUTE THIS BOL OF SOUP IS COLD,

OR I'VE CHRIS PAULEN AND I CAN'TGET UP.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I AM PUTTING 60-SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS OFCOUPONS FOR CAT FOOD WHICH THEY

ARE SECRETLY EATING.

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS.

BRETT GELMAN.

>> KARL MALONELY BECAUSE ALL MYFRIENDS ARE DEAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL F. AGAIN.

>> THE PHILADELPHIA 76ERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

POINTS.

>> HEATHER.

>> PHOENIX SONS NEVER VISIT MEANYMORE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SCOTTIE I WAS IN THE FIRSTPRODUCTION OF PIPPIN.

>> Chris: OH, THAT IS HARD.

POINTS.

PAUL TOMPKINS.

>> JUST PUT MY TEETH IN A CUPAND NOTHING BUT NET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> THE INDIANA PACEMAKERS.

>> Chris: YES.

GOOD.

POINTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: BRETT GELMAN.

>> KEVIN COSTNER IS SURE TO GETAN OSCAR ROBINSON FOR HIS

WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE IN DANCINGWITH THE WOLVES.

>> Chris: OH GOD

>> OH MY GOD.

DISS-ENGAGED

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AS YOU MAY BE MILDLY

AWARE IT IS JUNE WHICH MEANS WEARE IN THE THICK OF WEDDING

SEASON AND THANKS TO THEINTERNET SOON TO BE HUSBANDS AND

WIVES HAVE A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OFLOOK AT ME TO SWING AROUND.

BUT SOMETIMES THEY MISS THEMARK.

SO EXHIBIT A.

THE TUMBLR PAGE BAD ENGAGEMENTPHOTOS.COM.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU THE ENGAGEMENT PHOTO AND YOU

TELL ME THE COUPLE'S CAPTION,OKAY.

FIRST ONE, THIS PICTURE.

>> WE WILL CALL THIS PICTURE THESPREAD EAGLE AND THE BALD EAGLE.

WHAT IS THE CAPTION FOR THATPICTURE.

>> YEAH, BRETT.

>> JUST MAKING SURE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

>> THIS COUPLE THAT SOMEHOWRENTED A UNICORN.

>> JUST BY LOOKING AT BOTH OFTHEM I THINK THE HUSBAND IS

THINKING LIKE, THIS WAS HER(BLEEP)ING IDEA.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

OH.

I DISAGREE.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: YOU THINK IT IS HIM.

>> I THINK THE HORSE IS ONLY THESECOND MOST DISAPPOINTED PERSON

IN THIS PICTURE.

>> I THINK THIS WAS ALL HIM.

HE'S THRILLED, LOOK AT HIM.

IT IS LIKE, YEAH! IT CAMETOGETHER.

OUR LOVE IS STRONG ENOUGH TOHUMILIATE A HORSE.

>>>> Chris: BRETT.

>> THIS WOMAN AND THIS HORSEWITH A DICK ON ITS HEAD HAS PUT

A SPELL ON ME.

>> PLEASE HELP ME!, PLEASE HELPME OR SOON MY SOUL WILL BE GONE!

>> Chris: POINTS.

HEATHER.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT MYWIFE, THE LADY GWENEVIVE, I HAVE

NO IDEA WHO THE WOMAN IS.

..

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES.

OH, SO GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

THIS BUBBLE BOY AND BUBBLE GIRL.

ANYONE? PAUL.

>> I BET THE GUY IS LIKE NEALDOWN IN YOUR BUBBLE SO I DON'T

LOOK SHORT.

>> Chris: I HAVE TO GIVEPAUL POINTS AGAIN.

BRETT.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THIS PHOTOGRAPH, THISPHOTOGRAPH IS A TESTAMENT TO THE

FACT THAT WE ARE NOW ENGAGED ANDALSO THE FACT THAT WE WILL NEVER

BE GOOD AT (BLEEP)ING.

>> Chris: HEATHER.

>> I MEAN, REALLY, ALL IT SAYSTO ME IS OUR PARENTS ARE NOT

PROUD.

>> HEATHER, HEATHER, WHAT IFTHEIR PARENTS ARE ALL GERBILS?

>> FAIR ENOUGH, FAIR ENOUGH!

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOUSOME INAPPROPRIATE POSTS FROM

THE TWITTER PAGE@BADMIIVERSEPOSTS WHICH DISPLAYS

WEIRD, SAD THINGS PEOPLE GETTHEIR AVATARS TO SAY IN

NINTENDO'S MIIVERSE.

I ASKED YOU TO WRITE THE MOSTINAPPROPRIATE POST YOU COULD

THINK OF TO BE SAID BY A CARTOONFACE. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

>> HOLD ON A SECOND, I WANT TOSEE THAT AGAIN.

>> GO BACK TO THAT PICTURE.

ALL RIGHT. I THINK I SPEAK ONBEHALF OF EVERYONE WHEN I SAY

WE ARE WILDLY INSULTED BY THIS.

THIS IS LIKE THE GUY FROM EDWARDSHARP AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROS.

>> Chris: CLEARLY.

>> THIS IS THE MOM FROM GROWINGPAINS.

AND THIS IS JUST STRAIGHT UPHITLER.

HITLER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THIS IS YOUR IDEA.

YOUR IDEA OF HOSTING? THIS ISYOUR IDEA OF HOSTING?

>> Chris: LET'S GET YOURANSWERS.

>> I DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE MYMII ANYMORE SINCE THE FIRE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> MARIO HAS INFINITE LIVES, MYBROTHER ONLY HAD THAT ONE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> Chris: BRETT GELMAN.

>> I AM ADDICTED TO PHYSICALCOMEDY! AVATAR STYLE!

>> Chris: WHAT?

>> HASHTAG JAMES CAMERON,HASHTAG JERRY LEWIS, HASHTAG,

BLESSED!

BUZZSPEED, BUZZSPEED.

>> BUZZFEED IS THE SHAESPEARE OFLISTICLES

THERE ARE ALL SORTSOF WEIRDLISTS ON BUZZFEED LIKE 21

PEOPLE WITH BABY FACES WILLUNDERSTAND.

SO COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH BUZZFEED LISTS THAT

ARE EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS THANTHE ONES THAT ARE ACTUALLY ON

BUZZFEED.

60-SECONDS, GO. PAUL F. TOMPKINS

>> 99 PROBLEMS ONLY JAY Z WILLUNDERSTAND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> 12 EGGS THAT FIT INSIDECARTONS.

>> Chris: POINTS, GOOD LIST.

>> TWO TITS I HAVE TO GET MYFACE BETWEEN.

>> TWO TITS I HAVE TO GET MYFACE BETWEEN.

>> Chris: POINTS, PAUL.

>> 10 SOUNDS KIDS MAKE WHENTHEIR KIDS GET DIVORCED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

HEATHER.

>> 12 CAT TURDS YOUR DOG SHOULDBE EATING RIGHT NOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GELMAN.

>> 10 TIMES HITLER MADE A GOODPOINT.

>> Chris: LET'S ASK HISAVATAR.

POINTS.

BRETT.

>> 17 PLACES YOU MUST GET ANABORTION BEFORE YOU DIE.

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