Eric Andre, James Davis & Kurt Metzger

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 07/18/2010

Eric Andre describes being black and Jewish, James Davis is tired of old people joining Facebook, and Kurt Metzger recalls where he was when he found out Michael Jackson died.

- OH, MY GOD.

HOW ARE YOU?ARE YOU GOOD?

HOW IS THE ECONOMY FOR YOU?

IS IT HARD?

BUT IS IT THIS HARD?

HAS IT GOTTEN SO HARDTHAT SOME OF YOU

HAVE HAD TO SELL YOUR GOLD

FOR CASH?

IS A CASH FOR GOLD HARDAT YOUR HOUSE?

YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR BIGPILE OF GOLD THAT YOU HAD?

AND YOU HAD TO PUT IT IN A BAGAND SEND IT TO THE TV...

TO THAT COMMERCIALTHAT RUNS ALL DAY?

DO YOU SEE THAT?

AND THE PEOPLE THAT SOLDTHEIR GOLD FOR CASH

ARE SO HAPPYON THAT COMMERCIAL.

BECAUSE THEY HAD NO IDEA

GOLD WAS VALUABLE.

"I GOT $40 TO GOTO SIX FLAGS,

"AND I JUST HAD TO MELT DOWNMY GRANDMA'S DUMB-ASS NECKLACE

"SHE HID FROM THE NAZIS.

AND I RODE BATMAN: THE RIDETWO TIMES."

HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO FORGIVETIGER WOODS YET?

ANYBODY? FINALLY?

NO? DID YOU SAY NO?

WHY? 'CAUSE THEYWERE WHITE GIRLS,

OR 'CAUSE IT WAS ADULTERY?

COME ON.

HE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCEIN FRONT OF HIS MOM.

HOW EMBARRASSING IS THAT?

HE HAD TO GO UP IN FRONTOF HIS MOM, BE LIKE,

"SORRY I GET SO MUCH ASS, MOM,AND AMERICA."

I DON'T EVEN GET THAT.

WHENEVER I GET LAID,I CALL MY MOM.

LIKE, "HEY, MOM, I'M ONTHE ROAD, KNEE-DEEP IN SKUSH.

WHAT ARE YOUGONNA DO ABOUT IT?"

AND I HANG UP.

BUT I DON'THAVE ENDORSEMENTS,

SO I CAN DO STUFF LIKE THAT.

BUT PEOPLE SAID HE WASA BAD EXAMPLE FOR CHILDREN.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?HE'S A BAD EXAMP--

HERE'S MY QUESTION:

WHOSE BORING-ASS CHILDWATCHES GOLF ON TV?

WHOSE CREEPYLITTLE ANTICHRIST,

KHAKI-PANTS-WEARING CRACKERCAN SIT--

THAT'S SOMETHING MY OLD,WHITE GRANDFATHER WATCHES

WHILE HE FALLS ASLEEPIN HIS TV TRAY.

"A NEGRO.

EHH."

PLUS, HE WENTTO SEX REHAB, GUYS.

FOR LIKE SIX WEEKS.

AND IT COST $60,000.

60 GRAND FOR SIX WEEKSOF SEX REHAB.

THAT'S LIKE HE BOUGHT HIS PENISAN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION.

I MEAN, HE'S BLACK AND ASIAN.

COULDN'T HE HAVE GOTTENA SCHOLARSHIP

TO PENIS ACADEMY?

TRYING TO GET INTOTHE ACTING THING, MAN.

UM...GOING OUTFOR A LOT OF AUDITIONS.

UH, ALL THE ROLESI GO OUT FOR,

I'M EITHERONE OF TWO THINGS.

I'M EITHER FLAMIN',FREAKIN' GAY

WITH, LIKE, CONFETTI BURSTINGOUT OF MY BUTT CHEEKS,

AND I'M FLYINGOUT OF THE CLOSET,

RIDING A UNICORN NAKED.

OR I'M LIKETHE POLAR OPPOSITE.

I'M JUST LIKE THE MOST SLOVENLY,FAT, HETEROSEXUAL METS FAN.

I'M JUST EATING SPAGHETTIAND MEATBALLS OUT OF THE TOILET.

I'M LIKE, "YEAH! GO, METS!"

AND THE SIDE OF MY MAN BOOBLOOKS LIKE TOMMY LEE JONES'S

POCKMARKED CHEEK.

JUST A HUMAN FART.

I THINK IT SHOULD BE ILLEGALFOR WHITE WRITERS

TO WRITE DIALOGUEFOR BLACK ACTORS.

'CAUSE HALF THE ROLESI GO IN FOR,

I'M SPEAKINGA CROSS BETWEEN, LIKE,

BOOTSY COLLINSHAVING A SEIZURE,

AL JOLSON IN BLACKFACE,

AND THE GUYS THAT SPEAK JIVEON THE MOVIE AIRPLANE.

I'M GOING INFOR AUDITIONS LIKE,

"HEY, BRO,I'M JUST TCBin', MAN,

DON'T GOT TO MESS WITHMY OLD LADY, WHO GOT THE--"

WHAT THE HELLAM I TALKING ABOUT?

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT ANYMORE!

TWO BLACK DUDESTALKED LIKE THAT 40 YEARS AGO.

I WANT TO GO IN THESEWRITER ROOMS AND BE LIKE,

"HAVE YOU EVERMET A BLACK PERSON BEFORE?

"OR YOU JUST POPPED INA 2 LIVE CREW CD,

"AND YOU WERE LIKE, 'I GOTTHE GIST OF THIS CULTURE.'

TYPE-TYPITY, TYPE,TYPE, TYPE, TYPE, TYPE."

I--I [bleep] YOU NOT,I SWEAR TO GOD.

I WENT OUT FOR TWO SEPARATEAUDITIONS,

TWO DIFFERENT PRODUCTIONS,

TWO DIFFERENTGROUPS OF WRITERS,

THAT CAME UP WITH A BLACKCHARACTER FOR THEIR SHOW

NAMED RAY RAY!

RAY RAY, DY-NO-MITE!

AND ONE OF THE RAY RAYSWAS A DRUG DEALER!

THE ONLY BLACK DUDEON THE SHOW.

EVERYBODY ELSEHAD A REGULAR JOB.

RAY RAY SOLD DRUGSFOR SOME REASON.

"HEY, I'M RAY RAY, MAN.

"ALL I KNOW HOW TO DOIS SELL DRUGS.

"I WISH I COULD WORK IN A BIG,FANCY OFFICE,

"LIKE DEM WHITE FOLKS.

"OH, WELL, GUESSI'LL JUST SIT ON MY PORCH

"AND EAT MY MCRIB "SAMMICH"

"AND SPIT WATERMELON SEEDS.

"HEY, HOW 'BOUTSOME SOFT-SHOE, Y'ALL?

TAP, TAP, TAPITTY,TAP, TAP."

LAST TIME I CHECKED,

BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE MOSTCREATIVE AND PASSIONATE

CULTURE ON EARTH.

NO CULTURE HAS DONE MOREWITH LESS.

WE READ BOOKS.WE WORK IN OFFICES.

AND SOME OF USARE THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA!

I HAVE A DREAM!

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,"WHAT IS THIS PUERTO RICAN KID

"COMPLAINING ABOUT?

BOO HOO, PUERTO RICO."

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.I'M ERIC ANDRE.

YO! YO! GIVE IT UPFOR MY DJ.

DJ CASSIDY!

[cheers and applause]

YO!

CASSIDY, YOUARE DOIN' IT, BABY.

- THANK YOU, SIR.- I LOVE WHAT YOU GOT ON.

GIVE A HAND FOR THE HAT.

YOU ARE DOIN' IT, BABY.

LET ME TELL YOU'BOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUA LITTLE THING ABOUT ME

BEFORE WE EVEN START IT.

I AM NOT A FIGHTER.I CAN'T FIGHT.

I ACT LIKE A TOUGH GUY,

BUT I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

FIGHTING IS NOT MY FORTE.

KNOW WHAT MY FORTE IS?PRESSING CHARGES!

THAT'S MY FORTE!

BOY, YOU HIT ME,THE GAME IS OVER!

[hums ominous music]

YO' ASS GOING TO JAIL!

I'M--I'M FROM A NATURAL LINEOF TRASH TALKERS.

MY GRANDMA TALKED TRASH.WE ALL TALKED TRASH.

I'M IN A CLUBTHE OTHER NIGHT, MAN,

GETTIN' MY GROOVE ON.

THIS DUDE KNOCKED MY DRINKOUT OF MY HAND.

HEY, PLAYA, GOD DAMN!

JUST SPILLEDMY GODDAMN DRINK!

HERE'S WHATYOU'RE GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR ASSTO THE BAR,

YOU GONNA GO IN YOUR POCKET,

YOU GONNA TAKE OUTSOME MONEY,

AND YOU GONNA BUY ME ANOTHERGODDAMN DRINK!

GET OUT MY FACE!

GET MY GODDAMN DRINK.

HELLO?

YOU CRAZY, MAN?

YOU JUST PUNCHEDMY GODDAMN NOSE!

YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!

YOU ARE GOING--THIS BROTHER CHOKING ME.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW THIS DUDE?

DOES ANYBODYKNOW THIS DUDE?

YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!

OH, I'M BLACKING OUT.

I SAW YOUR FACE!

I SAW YOUR DAMN FACE.

THEY'RE GONNA DRAW A SKETCHOF YOUR ASS.

WHEN SOMEBODY GRAB YOUTHAT DAMN FAST,

IT'S LIKE THEY SHOT YOU--LIKE THEY SHOT YOUR ASS.

SOMEBODY GRAB A HOLDOF YOUR ASS, I SWEAR TO GOD,

LIKE HE SHOT MEIN THE DAMN NECK.

"I GOT YOU, MAN.

RUNNING YOUR DAMN MOUTHSO DAMN MUCH."

YOU CAN TELL WHEN SOMEBODYTRYING TO KILL YOU TOO.

WHEN YOU SEE TEETHWHEN THEY'RE CHOKING YOUR ASS--

WHEN SOMEBODY CHOKING YOUR ASS,IF YOU SEE THEIR DAMN TEETH,

THEY ARE TRYINGTO KILL YOUR ASS!

TEETH MEAN DEATH!

"YOU TALKING TRASH?WHAT YOU WANNA DO, BROTHER, HUH?

"HUH? HUH?

"HUH? HUH?

"HUH?

"HUH?

[shrilly] "HUH?

"HUH?

"HUH?

"HUH?

NOW WHAT, HUH?"

DEATH, RIGHT HERE.DEATH IN THE FACE.

YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHTAND GO GET HELP AND COME BACK,

AND STILL GETYOUR ASS WHOOPED?

WHAT YOU WANNA DO, BROTHER?

YOU HITTHE WRONG BROTHER NOW.

YOU DONE JACKED UP NOW.YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU ABOUT TO GET JUMPED.

YOU ABOUT TO GET JUMPED!GET BEHIND HIS ASS.

GET BEHIND HIM.GET BEHIND HIS ASS.

GET BEHIND HIS ASS.GET BEHIND HIM, GOD DAMN!

AIN'T YOU EVERJUMPED SOMEBODY BEFORE?

THIS DUDE NEVER JUMPED NOBOD--

YOU BUST MY NOSE!

YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!

OH, HELL, NO.HE IS CHOKING ME.

DO SOMETHING!

GO GET MY OTHER BROTHER.

YOU AIN'T WORTH A DAMN!

OH, I'M BLACKING OUT.UH-OH.

I SAW YOUR FACE.

THEY'RE GONNA DRAW A SKETCHOF YOUR ASS.

YOU GOING TO JAIL!

I GOT BAD FIGHT LUCK.

I COULD BE WATCHING THE FIGHTAND GET INVOLVED IN THE FIGHT.

TWO DUDES THAT HAVETHEIR OWN RESERVATIONS.

THEY KNEW THIS FIGHTWAS GOING DOWN TONIGHT.

I'M IN A CROWD,WATCHING THE FIGHT,

AND SOMEHOW, I GET INVOLVEDIN THE DAMN FIGHT.

THESE DUDES IS THROWING DOWN.

BOY, WHAT?DAMN, BEAT YOUR ASS.

BOY.

[thumping microphone]

I'M IN THE CROWD.HA HA HA HA!

BOY KICKIN' HIS ASS!

AAH HA!

UHH, UHH, OOH!

HA HA!

THEY WILL STOP FIGHTING.

"AH, WAIT A MINUTE.WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

"WAIT A MINUTE.WAIT A MINUTE.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

"WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST SAID WAIT A MINUTE."

"WHAT THE HELLYOU LAUGHING AT?"

WHO, ME?

EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING.EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING!

I AIN'T THE ONLY ONELAUGHING!

EVERYBODY'S TRYINGTO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WHY YOU GOTTA PICK MEOUT OF THE CROWD?

EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING!

SHE WAS LAUGHING.WASN'T YOU LAUGHING?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

YOU WAS TOO LAUGHING.

EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING!

EVERYBODY HAVINGA GOOD TIME!

WHY YOU GOT TO PICK MEOUT OF THE CROWD?

OH, I'M BLACKING OUT.

I'M BLACKING OUT.

I SAW YOUR FACE!

I SAW YOUR DAMN FACE.

YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL!

THEY GONNA DO A SKETCHOF YOUR ASS.

YOU GONNA BEON BREAKING NEWS.

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBERWHERE YOU WERE

WHEN YOU HEARDMICHAEL JACKSON DIED?

DO YOU REMEMBER?

- IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.- ON YOUR BIRTH--RIGHT?

YOU'LL NEVER FORGET, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT'S A HUGE DEATH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THREE OTHERFAMOUS PEOPLE DIED,

AND I DON'T EVEN REMEMBERTHEIR NAMES RIGHT NOW.

AH, DUDE, I'LL NEVERFORGET WHERE I WAS.

I WAS ATMY FATHER'S FUNERAL,

AND...THEY WEREDOING THE EULOGY.

AND THIS GUY JUST BURST IN.

AND SAID,"EVERYONE, I'M SORRY

"TO INTERRUPT THIS FUNERAL.

BUT I'M AFRAID I HAVESOME TERRIBLE NEWS!"

AND WE WERE DEVASTATED.

MY MOTHER COLLAPSED.

MY 12-YEAR-OLD BROTHERSTARTED CRYING

AND GRABBING HIS CROTCH

TO TRY TO BRING MICHAELBACK TO LIFE SOMEHOW.

IT ALMOST RUINEDTHAT FUNERAL.

BUT THEN OUR PASTORPUT ON THRILLER,

AND WE ALL STARTEDSINGING AND DANCING.

AND I PICKED UP MY DADAND MOVED HIM LIKE A ZOMBIE

AND MADE IT A THRILLER NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, HIS DOCTOR'SGOING TO JAIL, BY THE WAY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, HOW COME THAT GUY'SGOTTA GO TO JAIL?

WHAT ABOUT THAT GUYTHAT HACKED HIS FACE OFF?

NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPENTO HIM?

SHOULDN'T THEY FOLLOWTHE TRAIL OF SKELETOR HEADS

BACK TO HIS LABAND STOP HIM?

THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER GETPLASTIC SURGERY, 'CAUSE OF THAT.

I DON'T CARE.I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

I KNOW I LOOK LIKE,UH, IF MR. BEAN

WAS A RAPIST OR SOMETHING.

I KNOW THAT.

ARE YOU GUYS WORRIEDABOUT THE WORLD ENDING IN 2012?

'CAUSE THE MAY--GOOD, DUDE.

THAT MAYAN CALENDAR.

WHY WOULD THEY KNOWTHE END OF THE WORLD?

THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY PANTS,DO YOU KNOW THAT?

THEY DIDN'T HAVETHE INVENTION OF PANTS.

YOU THINK YOU CAN CRACKTHE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE,

BUT NOT THE SECRETOF POCKETS?

THEY JUST MADEA LOT OF CALENDARS,

AND THEY NEVER SAIDIT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

GOOFY WHITE PEOPLEMADE THAT UP.

THEY JUST STOPPEDMAKING CALENDARS PAST 2012

'CAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAD ENOUGHGOD DAMN CALENDARS.

"HEY, GUYS, I JUSTMADE A NEW CALENDAR

FOR 1,000 YEARS FROM NOW."

"OH, AWESOME, UH...

"A SNAKE JUSTBIT MY SCROTUM AGAIN.

"YOU THINK YOU COULD COOL ITWITH THE CALENDARS

"FOR A LITTLE BIT

"AND PUT A LITTLE R&DINTO THIS AREA OF MY LIFE?

"'CAUSE IT HAPPENS A LOT.

"HERE, LOOK AT MY CALENDAR.

"IT HAPPENED ON THE 23RD.

"AND AGAIN ON THE 24TH.

AND HERE, WHERE I DREW THESE SADBALLS, ON THE 25TH."

DJ CASSIDY!

[cheers and applause]

YO!

CASSIDY, YOUARE DOIN' IT, BABY.

- THANK YOU, SIR.- I LOVE WHAT YOU GOT ON.

GIVE A HAND FOR THE HAT.

YOU ARE DOIN' IT, BABY.

LET ME TELL YOU'BOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUA LITTLE THING ABOUT ME

BEFORE WE EVEN START IT.

I AM NOT A FIGHTER.I CAN'T FIGHT.

I ACT LIKE A TOUGH GUY,

BUT I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

FIGHTING IS NOT MY FORTE.

KNOW WHAT MY FORTE IS?PRESSING CHARGES!

THAT'S MY FORTE!

BOY, YOU HIT ME,THE GAME IS OVER!

[hums ominous music]

YO' ASS GOING TO JAIL!

I'M--I'M FROM A NATURAL LINEOF TRASH TALKERS.

MY GRANDMA TALKED TRASH.WE ALL TALKED TRASH.

I'M IN A CLUBTHE OTHER NIGHT, MAN,

GETTIN' MY GROOVE ON.

THIS DUDE KNOCKED MY DRINKOUT OF MY HAND.

HEY, PLAYA, GOD DAMN!

JUST SPILLEDMY GODDAMN DRINK!

HERE'S WHATYOU'RE GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR ASSTO THE BAR,

YOU GONNA GO IN YOUR POCKET,

YOU GONNA TAKE OUTSOME MONEY,

AND YOU GONNA BUY ME ANOTHERGODDAMN DRINK!

GET OUT MY FACE!

GET MY GODDAMN DRINK.

I FEEL A LITTLE SICK.

I JUST SAW PRECIOUS IN 3D AT THE IMAX.

OOH. IN THE RUMBLE SEATS,ON MUSHROOMS.

YIKES!

TOO SOON OR NOT SOON ENOUGH!YEAH!

TRYING NOT TO CURSE.THIS IS TV.

I CAN'T CURSE.THAT IS TOUGH.

I'M LIKE, YEAH, "F" THAT "S"!

I'M TRYING TO "D" SOME "P"TONIGHT!

I DON'T "D" "A," MAN,I "D" "P"!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"F" THAT, MOTHER FLOWER.KISS MY-AMI!

YOU GUYS LIKETHAT SHOW COPS?

[scattered cheers]

ALL RIGHT.I'VE BEEN ON IT A COUPLE TIMES.

NOT TO BRAG.

IS IT JUST ME, OR IS REGGAETHE MOST INAPPROPRIATE MUSIC

THEY COULD HAVE PICKED

TO OPEN UP THE SHOW COPS?

WHAT THE--IT'S LIKE A BUNCHOF POLICE BRUTALITY FOOTAGE.

IT'S LIKE, "TAKE THAT,TRANNY PROSTITUTE! BOOM!"

♪ JAMAICA MAN COME DOWNTOWN

♪ RASTAFARI

♪ WELCOME TO THE ISLANDOF JAMAICA ♪

"TAKE A KICK TO THE CROTCH,CRACKHEAD! BAM!"

♪ JAMAICA IS A TROPICALISLAND PARADISE ♪

♪ BING BONG BING BING BINGBADA BANG BANG BOING ♪

I'M BLEWISH.

UH, I'M BLACK AND JEWISH.

UH...

MY DAD--MY DAD IS FROM HAITI.

AND--HE'S DOING FINE.HE'S DOING GREAT. RELAX.

YOU GUYS, "OH, MY GOD."

YOU GUYS GIVE ME, LIKE,FRUIT AND, LIKE, RICE.

HE'S DOING GREAT. HE'S OKAY.HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE.

DAD'S FROM HAITI.MY MOM'S, UM, JEWISH.

AND THAT IS WHY I LOOK LIKEA MUPPET FROM SESAME STREET.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENSWHEN THAT HAPPENS.