CC Presents: Jon Dore

  • Season 14, Ep 10
  • 01/11/2010

I LOVE THEM.

MY ROOMMATE FELL ASLEEPON THE COUCH THE OTHER DAY,

AND WHEN I GOT HOME,I PULLED A BEAUTY.

THIS IS WHERE -- IF YOU KNOW IT,DON'T RUIN IT.

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,

AND I GOT A WHOLE CANISTEROF SHAVING CREAM,

AND I EMPTIED IT INTO THE PALMOF HIS SLEEPING HAND.

AND THEN I GENTLY STARTEDSUCKING HIS [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAN ALIVE.

HE WAS MAD!

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE,

THAT BETTER NOT BEMY SHAVING CREAM YOU WASTED!"

MM-HMM. IT WAS.

BUT HERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT I WANT TO DO,

AND I'M GONNA GET ITOUT OF THE WAY NOW.

I DO LOVE PRACTICAL JOKES.

MY SISTER AND I PLAY THEMON EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.

MY SISTER IS PREGNANT,AND WHEN MY SISTER GOT PREGNANT,

SHE WENT ON THIS NEW DIET,

AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELPTHE DEVELOPMENT OF THE BABY.

BUT ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS

IS THAT IT CAUSESANAL LEAKAGE, RIGHT?

SO, WE WERE DOWNTOWN SHOPPING,

AND SHE WAS WEARING WHITE PANTSAFTER LABOR DAY -- EMBARRASSING.

SHE'S STILL MY SISTER.

AND I NOTICED THAT...

YEAH, IT HAPPENED.

AND I GAVE HER THE NICKNAME"BUTT MUSTARD."

AND -- I'M NOT CLASSY.

AND SHE SAID,"IF YOU TELL ANYONE,

I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL YOU."

YEAH.

I'M READY TO DIE.

AND THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOMEIF YOU PARTICIPATE.

IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN.

I'M GONNA CALL HER ON MY PHONEDURING THIS SPECIAL, MM-HMM.

AND I'LL PUT HERON SPEAKER PHONE,

AND WHEN THE TIME'S RIGHT,I'LL RAISE MY ARM, OKAY?

AND I WANT YOU TO SAY,IN UNISON, "HI, BUTT MUSTARD."

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT,DON'T DO IT, BUT TRUST ME --

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

SO, HERE WE GO.JUST PRACTICE.

1, 2, 3...

All:HI, BUTT MUSTARD!

YOU ARE GONNA MAKE MY LIFE.THANK YOU SO MUCH. ALL RIGHT.

SO -- SHH, SHH, SHH,QUIET, QUIET, QUIET, QUIET.

AND TRUST ME --SHE'S DONE HORRIBLE THINGS

TO ME IN THE PAST,SO THIS IS OKAY.

SPEAKER.

[ Ringing ]

Shh, Shh.

[ Ringing ]

WOMAN: Hello?

HEY, SIS.

Jon?

HOW ARE YOU?

[ VOICE BREAKING ]I think we had a miscarriage.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S PROBABLY MY PHONE.IT'S PROBABLY MY PHONE.

THAT'S WHY I'M NEVER SENDINGANOTHER TEXT MESSAGE

AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YEAH.

ARE WE PAST THE MISCARRIAGE,BY THE WAY?

WE KNOW --WE KNOW THAT'S A JOKE, YEAH?

I THINK.

NO, BUT I DON'T LIKE CELLPHONES.

I'M NEVER SENDING ANOTHERTEXT MESSAGE AS LONG AS I LIVE,

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE A PHONETHAT TRIES TO PREDICT THE WORDS

I'M TRYING TO SEND TO PEOPLE.

'CAUSE I MOVE QUICKLY.

LAST WEEK, I ENDED UP SENDINGA TEXT THAT READ,

"HEY, BABY, I HAD A GREAT NIGHT.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A HOME DAY."

BUT I MEANT TO TEXT --"YOU SHOULD GET TESTED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

TECHNOLOGY SUCKS.

INTERNET'S GOOD,

BECAUSE THE INTERNET SOLVESALL OF OUR ARGUMENTS, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T ARGUE,THANKS TO THE INTERNET.

LIKE, I WAS AT A PARTYLAST WEEK,

AND FRIENDS WERE ARGUING ABOUTWHETHER OR NOT A CERTAIN MOVIE

HAD WON AN ACADEMY AWARDOR NOT.

THE ARGUMENT WENT ON FOREVER,

SO FINALLY, I JUST GO UPTO MY BUDDY'S COMPUTER

AND WATCH PORNOGRAPHY, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

PROBLEM SOLVED.

WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD

MY MOM BARGED INTO MY ROOMAND CAUGHT ME...MASTURBATIN'.

AND SHE STARTED CRYING.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS SO UPSET

BECAUSE I WAS WEARINGHER OVEN MITTS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OR BECAUSE DADWAS VIDEOTAPING ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW -- HOW DOES A DOGHOLD A VIDEO CAMERA?

IT'S CRAZY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LAST WEEK, I CUPPED A FART,

AND I THREW ITIN MY GRANDMOTHER'S FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW I'M BANNEDFROM HER BOOK CLUB.

I DON'T CARE.I HATE READING.

I'M DONE WITH THAT.

I READ A CAPTION IN THE PAPERTHE OTHER DAY.

THE CAPTION READ,

"IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOUTO FINISH READING THIS SENTENCE,

20 PEOPLE WILL HAVE DIEDOF HUNGER."

HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOWHOW FAST I CAN READ?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD TO READ IT AGAIN.

I KILLED 40 [BLEEP] PEOPLE!

I READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID,

"CAR ACCIDENTS HAPPENCLOSEST TO HOME."

DOES THAT MEAN THAT ORPHANSARE BETTER DRIVERS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,IT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE THEY'D HAVE MORE TIMETO PRACTICE

♪ WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING LOVEDBY ANYONE ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I'LL SINGTHE PUNCH LINE ♪

YES, I TRAVEL.

I WENT TO -- THE WEIRDEST PARTABOUT TRAVELING IS IT'S FAR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I WENT TO AMSTERDAM,

AND I WAS ONLY THEREFOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

AND DON'T "WHOO." I KNOW.YOU KNOW, PEOPLE RUSH TO JUDGE.

I KNOW WHAT GUYS DOWHEN THEY GO TO AMSTERDAM.

I KNOW WHAT YOU GOT UP TO.WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BESIDES THE OBVIOUS THINGS GUYSDO WHEN THEY GO TO AMSTERDAM,

WE ALSO GOT REALLY HIGHAND GOT PROSTITUTES, OKAY?

SO, IT'S NOT ALL MUSEUMS,YOU WEIRDOS.

LOOK AT YOU.YOU'RE WEIRD.

OH, IF YOU VISIT HIROSHIMA,IT'S OKAY TO BE AN OPTIMIST.

JUST DON'T USE THE EXPRESSION

"EVERY CLOUDHAS A SILVER LINING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE MUSHROOM CLOUDS DON'T.

YOU GATHERED THAT.

IT DOESN'T NEEDFURTHER EXPLANATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WAIT ONE SEC.

OKAY, THESE PEOPLE ARE JUST NOTLAUGHING AT THE GOOD STUFF.

UH...

WELL, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WELL, I'LL GO BACK OUTAND I'LL DO SOME MORE.

BUT, I MEAN,THAT WAS THE THUNDER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHAT'S KNOWNAS "THE THUNDER"

FROM WHERE I'M FROM.

HEY, YOU GUYS, HOW YOU DOING?GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WAIT ONE SEC.[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I LIKE TO SIT AROUNDWITH MY FRIENDS.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU DO THAT.IT'S FUN.

I LIKE TO SIT AROUNDWITH MY FRIENDS,

AND, OF COURSE, THE CONVERSATIONALWAYS LEADS TO

"WHAT IS THE MOSTPHILANTHROPIC ANIMAL?"

RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT?

NO?

LOT OF PEOPLE THINKIT'S THE DOG,

BECAUSE IT HELPSBLIND PEOPLE AROUND.

NO. THE DOG'S TRAINEDTO DO THAT.

IT DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT.

CRICKETS ARETHE MOST PHILANTHROPIC.

THEY LET BLIND PEOPLE KNOWWHEN IT'S NIGHTTIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACKIN NORTH AMERICA,

BECAUSE I JUST GOT BACKFROM AFGHANISTAN,

WHERE I WAS ENTERTAININGTHE TROOPS, SO...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AGAIN --

OH, PLEASE.

OH.

I WAS PERFORMINGFOR THE TALIBAN.

I TELL YOU -- I...

I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY.I REALLY WILL.

I BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE PLACE.

SOMEONE DID.

THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING TONIGHT.I APPRECIATE IT.

BECAUSE LAUGHTERIS THE BEST MEDICINE.

IT REALLY IS.AND I'M NOT MAKING THAT UP.

THEY'VE DONE STUDIES THAT PROVEPEOPLE WHO LAUGH A LOT --

THEY ACTUALLY LIVE LONGER

THAN PEOPLEWITH TERMINAL CANCER.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

SCIENCE.

GROWING UP, WE NAMEDOUR FAMILY DOG AFTER MY DAD.

OUR DOG'S NAME WAS "DAD."

AND THAT GOT CONFUSING,AS YOU CAN PROBABLY IMAGINE.

LIKE, ONE TIMEAT A FAMILY GATHERING,

"DAD" CRAPPED ON THE CARPET.

I WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT HAPPEN.I WAS OUT WALKING THE DOG.

BUT...RUINED MOTHER'S DAY.

MOTHER IS OUR CAT.

[ Singsong voice ]AND NOW THIS JOKE IS STUPIDERTHAN IT WAS WHEN IT STARTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SIGHS ]

BUT IT'S OKAY TO BE SILLY,RIGHT?

YEAH.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

PROBABLY HARD TO TAKESOMEONE SERIOUSLY

WHEN THEY'RE SWINGING THEIR LEGSLIKE THIS, EH?

LIKE, IF HITLER GAVE A SPEECHLIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

THERE'D BE NO HOLOCAUST, RIGHT?

BUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE,WAS IT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HITLER WASA VERY INFLUENTIAL SPEAKER.

IMAGINE FOR A MOMENTYOU ARE THE GERMAN PEOPLE,

AND YOU'VE GATHERED TO SEEHITLER IN CONCERT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE STEPS UP TO THE MIKEAND HE HAILS AND YOU HAIL BACK.

AND THEN HE BEGINS.

[ Asian accent ]THE NAZI PARTY --

THE BEST PARTYFOR THE GERMAN PEOPLE.

YOU NEED SUPPORT NATIONALSOCIALISM FOR LONG TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH ACCENTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DAMN IT!

COMEDY IS HARD.IT'S VERY HARD.

LIKE, I'VE BEEN TRYINGTO WRITE A JOKE

ABOUT HOW HARD IT WOULD BETO HIDE FROM THE NAZIS

IF I HAD JUST EATENMEXICAN FOOD, RIGHT?

LOUD.

AND I KNOW I WANTTHE PUNCH LINE TO BE,

"THE DIARRHEA OF ANNE FRANK,"BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CAN TELL THAT JOKE, OKAY?

MY GRANDFATHER AVOIDEDTHE HOLOCAUST

WITH HIS ABILITY TO HIDE...

AND BY NOT BEING JEWISH...

AND BY LIVING IN CANADAHIS ENTIRE LIFE.

ALL ABOUT STRATEGY.

I NOTICE THERE ARE PEOPLEWEARING GLASSES HERE TONIGHT.

I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS --STEPHEN HAWKING JOKE.

OKAY, FINE, HERE IT COMES.

IT WOULD BE HARD TO BE FRIENDSWITH STEPHEN HAWKING,

BECAUSE STEPHEN HAWKING,YOU KNOW, SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT.

THAT'S TOUGH, BECAUSE EVEN IFYOU PHONED HIM AND HE ANSWERED,

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, GREAT,GOT THE MACHINE AGAIN."

HANG UP.IT'S JUST TOUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STAY IN LOVE,AND THE WAY YOU DO THAT

IS BY TAKING CAREOF WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

BECAUSE THE SECOND YOU GIVE UPON YOUR APPEARANCE,

IT'S COMPLETELY OVER, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU LET YOURSELF GO.

LIKE, LAST RELATIONSHIPI WAS IN,

I LET MYSELF GO TO THE POINTWHERE I DIDN'T CUT MY TOENAILS

FOR 9 1/2 MONTHS, RIGHT?

I KNOW THAT COMES IN HANDYWHEN CATCHING MICE

AROUND THE APARTMENTIN YOUR BARE FEET -- I GET IT.

BUT MY EX LET HERSELF GO.

SHE STOPPED DOING THINGSSHE USED TO DO.

SHE STOPPED SHAVING.

YOU KNOW, SHE STOPPED SHAVINGHER LEGS, HER ARMPITS, HER...

[ WHISTLES ]

AND SHE EVEN STOPPED SHAVINGHER VAGINA AREA.

SO, IT'S LIKE -- I KNOW --

WHAT WAS THE WHISTLE AREAIF NOT THE -- IT WAS HER BACK.

NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S NEITHER HERE NOR VAGINA,ALL RIGHT?

I HAD TO END THAT RELATIONSHIP,ANYWAY, BECAUSE I...I HATED HER.

I DID.

I TOLD HER I LOVED HER.DON'T WORRY. IT WAS COOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I THINK IT'S OKAY,IN A RELATIONSHIP,

WHEN I LET MYSELF GO,

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S OKAYWHEN SHE LETS HERSELF GO.

OH, MY GOD.

I AM TOTALLY BLANKING.

UM...

CAN'T FIND MYSELF.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?YOU GUYS GOOD OUT THERE?

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.NOT GOOD.

WOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.THIS IS AWFUL.

I HAVEN'T DONE THIS JOKE IN...

OH, I ALMOST HAD IT.

UH...

NO.

"IT'S OKAY IF I LET MYSELF GO.IT'S NOT OKAY..."

I'M NOT JOKING.THIS IS WEIRDER --

I HAVEN'T DONE THIS JOKEIN SUCH A LONG TIME,

AND I THOUGHT, "OH, I SHOULDDO IT FOR THE BIG TAPING."

AND SO I BROUGHTMY TAPE RECORDER.

I SHOULD EXPLAIN THAT.

STAND-UP COMICS SOMETIMESTAPE THEIR PERFORMANCES.

IS IT TENSE IN HERE RIGHT NOW?IT FEELS TENSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOD. UM...

SO COMICS WILL SOMETIMESTAPE THEIR PERFORMANCES

ON A RECORDER SO THEY CAN LISTENTO IT AFTERWARDS,

TRY AND IMPROVE ON THE JOKES,THAT KIND OF THING.

UM...

AND I OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T DO THAT.

BUT I BROUGHTTHE TAPE RECORDER WITH ME,

AND IT'S I WAS LIKE, "OH,I KNOW THE JOKES ON THERE."

I QUEUED IT UP,I WAS ABOUT TO LISTEN TO IT,

AND I GOT BUSY, AND I THOUGHT,"OH, YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY.

LIKE RIDING A BIKE,YOU'LL NEVER FORGET."

AND, UH, HERE WE ARE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE IT HERE.I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA PLAY -- I DON'T KNOWIF THIS IS GONNA WORK OR NOT.

IF IT DOESN'T,I'LL JUST WALK OFFSTAGE,

AND YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

BUT I QUEUED THIS UP.THE JOKE IS RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS AN OLD STAND-UP SETWITH THE JOKE ON IT, SO...

SO, ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S OKAY WHEN I LET MYSELF GO,

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S OKAY WHEN SHE LETS HERSELF GO.

UH...

[BLEEP]

"I THINK IT'S OKAY WHEN I LET MYSELF..."

OH, MY GOD, I'M TOTALLY BLANKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A TAPE RECORDER HERE.

LET ME JUST PLAY THE TAPE RECORDER

AND SEE IF I CAN REMEMBER HOW THE JOKE GOES.

LET ME TRY IT RIGHT HERE.

[ CLICK ]

SO, ANYWAY, I USED TO BE IN A COMFORTABLE RELATIONSHIP.

AND I THINK IT'S OKAY WHEN I LET MYSELF GO,

BUT IT'S NOT OKAY WHEN SHE LETS HERSELF GO.

LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT, WE'RE LYING IN BED,

AND SHE ROLLS OVER AND SHE...

[ STATIC ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY USED TO BE FINE.

CHINK.

INNOCENTLY ENOUGH,

ALL IT MEANT WASA NARROW OPENING OR CRACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEN THE RACISTS CAME INAND RUINED IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW.

AND I HAPPEN TO HAVEAN ASIAN FRIEND

WHO WORKS AT MEDIEVAL TIMES.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY TO HIM,

"OH, DUDE, YOU GOT A CHINKIN YOUR ARMOR."

I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT,ALL RIGHT?

IF I'M HANG GLIDING WITH MYJAPANESE FRIEND ON A COLD DAY,

I'M NOT GONNA SAY, "OOH,THERE'S A REAL NIP IN THE AIR."

I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT!

IF I'M OUT WITH MY JEWISH FRIENDAND WE'RE AT A BAR,

I'M NOT GONNA SAY, "YOUR TURNTO BUY THE ROUND, YOU [BLEEP]

I'M NOT GONNA SAY THAT.

THERE ARE OTHER WORDS!

IF I'M OUT WITH MY BLACK --I'LL STOP IT THERE, PROBABLY.

IT GETS WEIRD THERE.

THAT'S WHY I LIKETAKING THE CITY BUS,

BECAUSE THE CITY BUSDOES NOT DISCRIMINATE.

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE U.N. MEETINGON WHEELS

EVERY TIME WE GET ON IT.

WE ALL WALK THROUGH THE SAMEDOOR AND PAY THE SAME PRICE,

REGARDLESS OF OUR RACE,OUR CULTURE, OR OUR RELIGION.

ON THE BUS, WE ARE ALL LOSERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD,

WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERINGHOW I LIVE MY LIFE.

I'LL TELL YOU --I HAVE TWO SIMPLE RULES

THAT GUIDE METHROUGH THIS WORLD.

NUMBER 1 -- I FOLLOW THE GOODWORD OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.

NUMBER 2 --

♪ I BANG AS MANY [BLEEP] BITCHESAS I CA-A-AN ♪

THAT'S IT. TWO RULES.

IT'S TWO RULES, YEAH.

I LIKE DRINKING...A LOT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, SOMETIMES I CAN'T TELL

IF I LOVE DRINKINGOR HATE MYSELF.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I LIKE GETTING DRUNK AND EATING.

THAT'S ONE OFMY FAVORITE THINGS TO DO.

LAST TIME I WAS HOMEFOR THE HOLIDAYS,

I WAS REALLY DRUNK.

WHEN I GOT HOME, I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

TO TAKE A GIANT BITE OUTOF A BRICK OF BLUE CHEESE.

YOU KNOW,THE CHALKY WHITE CHEESE

WITH THE VEINS OF BLUE MOLD --YEAH.

TURNS OUT IT WASMY GRANDFATHER'S LEG.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

"WHAT YOU DOINGIN THE FRIDGE, GRAMPS?

GET OUT."

I REMEMBER WHEN GRANDPA'S MEMORYSTARTED TO GO

WAS THE DAY I CAUGHT HIMURINATING WITH THE DOOR OPEN,

WHICH IS NOT A HUGE DEAL,

BUT IT'S ANNOYINGWHEN I'M TRYING TO DRIVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO THROW OUT

AN OLD GARBAGE PAIL?

CAN'T BE DONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOR THE LAST MONTH, I'VE HAD ITOUT THERE EVERY SINGLE WEEK,

AND THE GARBAGE MENDON'T GET IT.

I EVEN PUT A SIGN ON IT --"GARBAGE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT DO I GOT TO DO --PUT IT IN ANOTHER GARBAGE PAIL?

NO.

NOT GONNA DO THAT.

IS A VERY DIFFICULT LANGUAGE.

LIKE, WE HAVE SOME WORDS --

THE SPELLING OF SOME WORDS INTHE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE RIDIC--

WELL, YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT I MEAN.

I'M PREACHINGTO THE "CHOYER" HERE.[choir]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S A TOUGH LANGUAGE.

THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER MAKE FUNOF ANYONE WHO HAS DYSLEXIA.

AND I'M JUST GIVING YOU THE 114.BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M FORTUNATEBECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL,

MY BEST SUBJECT WAS ENGLISH.

MY WORST SUBJECT WAS"CHEM-ISTRY."

ERRR!

HOW MANY TIMES CAN I DOTHE SAME JOKE?

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS THIS --

WE HAVE SOME WORDSIN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

THAT HAVE TOTALLY DIFFERENTMEANINGS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE THE WORD "THERE,"SPELLED T-H-E-R-E,

AND THE WORD "VAGINA," RIGHT?

THEY'RE SPELLEDCOMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY.

THEY MEANCOMPLETELY DIFFERENT --

NO.

THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR VAGINA.

THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKEIS THIS --

I HAD TO GO TO AN AUDITIONTHE OTHER DAY,

A MAJOR MOTION-PICTUREOPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.

I HAD TO SPEAK ENGLISH, YEAH.

COMPLETELY MESSED IT UP.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"THE NAME IS BOND.

JAMES EARL JONES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CASTING DIRECTOR SAYS, "NOT TOOGOOD WITH NAMES, ARE YOU?"

"YEAH, NO [BLEEP] SHYLOCK."

ALL RIGHT?GUY'S AN IDIOT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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