Davidoff, Vallee, Castillo, Rod Man

  • Season 8, Ep 0801
  • 11/20/2004

Rod Man remembers his tiny stepfather, Kristian Vallee shares horror stories from his days as a teacher, and Dov Davidoff suggests alternate uses for condoms.

FROM MY SHOW, PUNKED.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME.

THEY SAY, "JAMIE, ARE YOU MAD

THAT ASHTON KUTCHER STOLE YOUR

IDEA FOR A TV SHOW?"

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

ASHTON GETS KIND OF EXCITED TOO,

WHEN HE PUNKS PEOPLE, RIGHT.

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE!

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED, DUDE!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE STOLE MY OTHER IDEA, TOO.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE SEX

WITH DEMI MOORE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU.

I GET X'D ALL THE TIME, TOO.

I GO TO THE COFFEE SHOP.

THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER'S

LIKE, "HEY, BRO, HERE'S YOUR

CAPPUCCINO."

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHTER]

"DOES IT TASTE FUNNY?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, DID YOU PEE IN

IT?"

[LAUGHTER]

"OH, I GET IT, I'VE BEEN X'D,

RIGHT?

"NO, YOU'VE BEEN PUNKED, DUDE!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU'VE BEEN

INTO TOWN AND THE--

[CHUCKLES] AND YOU FORGET HERE

HOW CRAZY PEOPLE ARE IN

NEW YORK, ALL THE PEOPLE ON

THE SIDEWALK.

YOU KNOW 'CAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE

HERE, EVERYBODY'S IN THEIR CAR.

BUT I GET BACK HERE, I JUST WENT

TO THROW SOMETHING IN THE

GARBAGE AND THERE WAS A GUY

IN THE GARBAGE--

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE WASN'T LOOKIN' IN IT.

HE IS IN IT.

LOOKIN' OUT OVER 9th AVE

LIKE A FISHERMAN.

HE WAS JUST--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TO GET DRESSED UP LIKE A

REFEREE AND WALK INTO A

FOOT LOCKER.

YOU GOTTA TRY THIS.

IT FREAKS 'EM OUT.

THEY GET ALL INSECURE.

THE GUY'S LIKE, "WAIT A SECOND.

CAN I HELP YOU?"

I WAS LIKE, "CAN I HELP YOU,

MAN?

I TOO AM A REFEREE.

MAYBE WE CAN WORK IT OUT

TOGETHER?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN SOMEBODY'LL ASK ME FOR

A SIZE 10 AND I'LL BE LIKE,

"DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE,

CHIEF?!

MAN CAN'T WEAR A STRIPED SHIRT

AND A WHISTLE IN THIS TOWN AND

YELL OFF-SIDES ONCE IN A WHILE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW THE FAMILY RECENTLY.

EVERYBODY'S ANGRY WITH ME

BECAUSE APPARENTLY I OUTED

MY COUSIN DURING AN ARGUMENT

OVER A TURKEY LEG.

'CAUSE HE GOES, "YOU HAD THE

LAST LEG."

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP, BILLY.

YOU'RE GAY."

'CAUSE BILLY IS GAY.

WE LOVE HIM.

JUST GET USED TO IT.

AND THEY HAD A GAY BASHING

THING IN HIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THIS.

WHY WOULD YOU BEAT UP ON A

GAY GUY?

I'M ALL FOR KICKIN' ASS,

BUT LET'S TAKE OUT THE ENEMY,

YOU KNOW.

SOME GOOD LOOKIN' STRAIGHT DUDE

WITH A NICE CAR OR A JOB.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'

AROUND HERE, MAN.

WITH THE SHINY RIMS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND MY MOTHER'S THERE.

SHE'S A THERAPIST, AN ANALYST.

ANYBODY HERE SEE A SHRINK?

THESE PEOPLE CONNECT THINGS--

I'M SURE SOMEBODY DOES.

THESE PEOPLE CONNECT THINGS YOU

HAD NO IDEA COULD BE CONNECTED.

I SAY, "MOM, COULD YOU PASS ME

THE SALT?"

SHE GOES, "SALT, POT, IT'S ALL

THE SAME TO YOU."

AND THEN SHE GOES, "WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN THE POT RUNS OUT?"

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,

THE POT'S NOT JUST GONNA RUN

OUT."

YOU KNOW.

AND SECOND OF ALL, YOU THINK

THAT POT COULD REALLY RUN OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T SAY THAT.

[CHEERIN

I SAW A GIRL OUTSIDE HAD THE

BIGGEST FAKE TITTIES I'VE EVER

SEEN IN MY LIFE.

THEY WERE THIS BIG WITH A

HALF TOP AND STUFF WRITTEN ON

THE SHIRT.

AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK

AT IT.

SHE GOT MAD AT ME.

SHE GOES, "WHAT ARE YOU

LOOKIN' AT?"

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, IF I STUFF A

BALLOON IN MY PANTS AND PAINT

A BULLS-EYE ON IT, YOU MIGHT

TAKE A SECOND FRIGGIN' PEAK,

WEIRDO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW?

I SAID--

I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

I WAS AT THIS GIRL'S HOUSE.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CONDOMS.

AND SHE SAID, "THAT'S OKAY."

SHE HANDS ME A MAGNUM CONDOM,

MAGNUM.

YOU GUYS KNOW MAGNUM?

Male Audience Memeber: YEAH!

Dov Davidoff: NO YOU DON'T

KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, NO, MAYBE YOU DO.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT

LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE HIM,

THE PACKAGE LOOKS LIKE A

CD CASE, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "THANKS, JEAN.

IF WE GO FLY FISHING I CAN PUT

THIS ON, WALK OUT INTO THE RIVER

AND CATCH US A TROUT."

DON'T GIVE ME A MAGNUM CONDOM.

I HAVE TROUBLE.

MY FRIEND SAID, "TRY LAMBSKIN.

THEY'RE REALLY THIN.

LAMBSKIN CONDOMS, THEY'RE GOOD."

AND THEY ARE.

WHAT HE DIDN'T TELL ME IS THAT

RIGHT WHEN YOU BEGIN TO CONDUCT

BUSINESS, THE WHOLE ROOM

SMELLS LIKE A GYRO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE WERE DOING OUR THING.

SHE SAID, "WHAT'S THAT?"

I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'M GETTING HUNGRY."

[LAUGHTER]

HERE.

MY MAMA TOLD ME TO BE CAREFUL

WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO NEW YORK.

I SAID, "WHY, MAMA?"

SHE SAID, "'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE

THE TERROR WENT.

THAT'S WHERE THE TERROR WENT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT AIN'T

TERROR, IT'S TERRORISTS, MAMA."

SHE'S LIKE "YOU KNOW WHAT

THE HELL I'M TALKING ABOUT,

THEM TERRORISTS.

THEM TERRORS WENT RIGHT TO

NEW YORK.

SO I DO BE CAREFUL, 'CAUSE

IT IS A LONG FLIGHT, YOU KNOW."

AND WHEN I GET ON THE PLANE,

I LIKE TO GET AN AISLE SEAT,

YOU KNOW, ON THE PLANE 'CAUSE

WE DIDN'T FIND BIN LADEN.

YOU KNOW WE JUST BRUNG SADDAM

OUT.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE

HELL BIN LADEN WENT.

WE JUST LET HIM GO.

SO I DON'T LIKE TO STEREOTYPE

PEOPLE, BUT I STILL BE LOOKIN'

WHEN I GET ON THE PLANE.

YOU KNOW I NOT JUST GONNA GET

ON THE PLANE.

I GET AN AISLE SEAT BECAUSE

I FEEL LIKE I RUN THE ROW.

YOU KNOW IF I GET AN AISLE

SEAT, I BE LIKE, "THIS MY ROW.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST CAN'T COME

UP IN THE ROW, 'CAUSE IT'S MY

ROW."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, 'CAUSE ON THE AISLE YOU

AIN'T GOTTA DEPEND ON OTHER

PEOPLE ON THE AISLE.

THAT'S YOUR--

THAT'S YOUR ROW.

YOU KNOW AND I WOULD SEE THE

LITTLE DUDE COMIN' DOWN THE

AISLE, YOU KNOW AND I DON'T

WANNA STEREOTYPE HIM BUT HE DID

HAVE THE LITTLE A THING WRAPPED

AROUND HIS HEAD.

AND I WAS LIKE--

"THAT IS NOT A KANGOL RIGHT

THERE.

THAT IS NOT A KANGOL TYPE."

I GOTTA BE A LITTLE CAREFUL.

SO I WAS LOOKIN' AT HIM,

YOU KNOW AND I WAS LIKE,

"DAMN, I HOPE HE AIN'T ON

MY ROW, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

I DON'T-- I AIN'T GOT THAT

KIND OF SECURITY ON MY ROW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD GO

DOWN."

YOU KNOW AND HE START COMING.

HE'S LIKE, [FOREIGN ACCENT]

"I THINK I AM THE WINDOW SEAT."

YOU KNOW AND I WAS LIKE,

"LET ME CHECK YOUR STUFF.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T JUST LET YOU

IN THE ROW.

I GOTTA CHECK YOUR STUFF.

YEAH, OKAY, 16."

SO I LET HIM-- LET HIM IN THE

LITTLE ROW AND WE WAS COOL.

BUT IT WAS A LONG FLIGHT,

YOU KNOW AND HE STARTED MOVIN'.

HE WAS LIKE, "UM, I NEED TO USE

RESTROOM."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, WE DON'T

PEE ON MY ROW.

THIS AIN'T A PEE ROW RIGHT

HERE.

YEAH, THIS ONE.

YEAH, WE PEE ON THE GROUND.

WE DON'T PEE UP IN THE SKY.

WE'RE NOT SKY PEE-ERS.

WE GROUND PEE-ERS.

WE DON'T DO THAT AH..."

YOU KNOW THAT'S LIFE.

YOU KNOW-- AND I'M FROM A

SINGLE PARENT HOUSEHOLD.

ANY SINGLE PARENTS WE HAVE?

ANY SINGLE PARENTS?

YOU GREW UP IN A SINGLE PARENT

HOUSE?

OKAY, GOT LOVE FOR THE SINGLE

PARENTS, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I DID.

I WANTED THE DADDY.

YOU KNOW, BUT EVIDENTLY MY MAMA

DIDN'T FEEL WE NEEDED HIM ALL

THE TIME.

THAT WAS-- JUST THAT ONE NIGHT

WAS GOOD AND SHE SAID,

"GO AHEAD ON ABOUT YOUR LIFE."

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DO--

IF YOU WANT A DADDY, YOU KNOW,

I'D TELL MY MAMA, YOU KNOW,

I USED TO ASK HER-- I'M LIKE,

"MAMA, WHERE MY DAD AT?"

YOU KNOW AND BLACK MAMA--

YOU KNOW THEY STRONG.

SO SHE'D BE LIKE, "I'M YOUR

MAMA AND YOUR DADDY, YOU KNOW."

NOW YOU CONFUSED.

YOU BE LIKE, "YOU CAN'T BOTH

OF 'EM.

YOU CAN'T BE THE MAMA AND THE

DADDY."

SO WE'LL GO TO HER.

ASKED HER FOR MONEY.

YOU BE LIKE, "MAMA, YOU GOT

A DOLLAR?"

AND SHE BE LIKE, "BOY, I AIN'T

GOT NO DAMN MONEY."

YOU BE LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT DADDY,

THEN?

WHAT ABOUT DADDY?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU BE LIKE...

BOTH Y'ALL BROKE?

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]]

BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE YOUR MAMA.

YOU GOT TO LOVE YOUR MAMA.

YOU KNOW AND I--

I DID HAVE A LITTLE STEP-DAD.

AS I HAD A LITTLE STEP-DAD.

AND WHEN I SAID STEP-DAD,

I DON'T MEAN THEY WAS MARRIED.

YOU KNOW IF YOU GOT TOGETHER

A LONG TIME YOU PRETTY MUCH MY

DADDY.

YOU KNOW YOU KEEP COMING OVER

HERE ALL THE TIME SO I FEEL

YOU'RE MY DADDY.

YOU KNOW AND I HAD A LITTLE

STEP-DADDY NAMED FRANK,

YOU KNOW AND HE WAS COOL LITTLE

DUDE, YOU KNOW, BUT HE LITTLE

ISSUES, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE HE

WAS SHORT.

YOU KNOW AND I AIN'T--

YEAH, HE DIDN'T GROW LIKE

GROWN FOLK GROW.

HE WAS JUST LIKE A LITTLE

BITTY MAN.

AND HE USED TO TRY TO TELL US

TO DO STUFF.

AND HE'D BE LIKE, "GO IN THERE

AND WASH THEM DISHES."

AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, LITTLE

FRANK.

YOU KNOW AIN'T NOBODY SCARED

OF YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, 'CAUSE I REALLY THINK

I CAN WHOOP YOUR ASS IF YOU

SOMETHING GO DOWN.

I THINK I CAN WHOOP FRANK,

YOU KNOW.