Snackers

  • Season 4, Ep 3
  • 02/05/2014

The guys campaign for Jillian to become break room manager so that they can get access to Alice's Costco card, but Jillian quickly turns into a snack tyrant.

- WE ARE NOTTHROWING A PARTY FOR KARL!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?KARL'S EPISODE

OF CHEATERS IS RE-AIRING.YOU KNOW THE ONE,

WHERE HE GETS CAUGHT MUNCHINGTHAT MARRIED CHICK'S CARP.

[laughter]

- YOU LOVED THAT PARTYLAST YEAR.

REMEMBER ALL THOSESTAR-FUGGER CHICKS WERE, LIKE,

"OH! OH!"LIKE, READY.

- THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY MAKETHAT NOISE,

BUT THEY WERETHROWING OUT THE VIBE.

- YEAH, THEY WERE THROWINGTHAT VIBE.

IT WAS MORE OF A VIBETHAN A NOISE.

- OKAY, YES, WE ARE DEFINITELYGONNA HAVE THIS PARTY.

- I'M HOPING THIS YEARTO HAVE SOME, LIKE, INTERCOURSE,

'CAUSE LAST YEAR I JUST HAD,LIKE, A TON OF OUTERCOURSE.

SO I'M HOPINGTO GET INSIDE THIS TIME.

- I BELIEVE IN YOU.- THANK YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

YOU GUYS WANT TO [bleep]MY FAN CLUB,

THAT'S TOTALLY COOL WITH ME.THAT'S LEGITIMATE.

BUT YOU BETTER NOTRUN OUT OF SNACKS

LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME, OKAY?

I'M NOT SHOWING UPUNLESS YOU GUYS GET ME

A GIANT POPCORN TINWITH THREE FLAVORS OF POPCORN--

CARAMEL, CHEDDAR,

AND WHATEVER ELSE COMES IN IT.

- POPCORN DIVA.- HE'S CHANGED.

- YEAH, TV CHANGED A MAN.

- BUT YOU KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS.

WE GOT TO GO SNACK SHOPPING.

- YEAH.- AND, DERS...

WEARING A TOWEL LIKE A WOMAN...

THAT'S FUNNY, DUDE!- [laughs]

- PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT?- YES.

- I WAS GETTING OUT OF THESHOWER, I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR,

I WAS LIKE, "JUST DO IT."

[clears throat]OKAY, I AM SICK AND TIRED

OF HEARING ABOUTTHE GODDAMN BREAK ROOM.

- YEP.- "OH, WHERE'S MY JELL-O?"

"WAYMOND'S PUTTING HIS FINGERSIN MY PEANUT BUTTER."

CHOOSE SOMEONE TO BEIN CHARGE OF THE SNACKS,

AND I WILL GIVE THEMMY COSTCO CARD, THE END.

- NEVER FEAR,MONTEEZY IS HERE.

COLLEEN GOT MEON THIS NEW-AGE DIET,

AND I'M LOOKING TWO WORDS--DEE LICIOUS.

- YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.- YEAH. STILL--

- YOU LOOK REALLY BAD.- LISTEN,

I SAY WE TAKE THE BREAK ROOM,AND WE "HEALTHIFY" THIS BITCH.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE LIKE,"OH, HELL, KALE?"

NOW I'M LIKE,"OH, HELL, KALE!"

- HE SAID THE SAME THING.- AND THESE JUICE CLEANSES...

GOT MY SKIN GLOWINGLIKE PAULA ABDUL.

- I'LL [bleep] TO THAT.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.STOP THE CLOCK.

OKAY, CHECK YOURSELFBEFORE YOU ELECT YOURSELF.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROPERELECTION HAPPENING HERE.

- OKAY, WHO ELSE ISGONNA RUN?

- WE WILL, LIKE, TOGETHERAS, LIKE--

LIKE, WE'LL BE COMBINED,LIKE VOLTRON,

EXCEPT FOR WE'RE NOT GONNA RUN.

WE'RE GONNA SPRINT,LIKE USAIN BOLT-RON.

- WHAT?[laughter]

- HOW DID I THINK OF THAT?- THAT WAS SO GOOD.

- THAT WAS SO GOOD.- THAT WAS SMART OF ME.

I WAS LIKE JAY Z...

- IF YOU COULD JUSTEXCUSE US FOR ONE SECOND.

- THAT WAS AMAZING.- THANK YOU.

- BUT WE CAN'T ELECT OURSELVESBECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA KNOW

WE'RE STEALING THE SNACKS,YOU DIG?

- BUT, DUDE, DID YOU HEAR?THE COSTCO CARD, MAN--

THAT'S, LIKE, BULK SNACKS,SAMPLERS, BULK BOOZE.

KIRKLAND!

- KIRKLAND.- KIRKLAND.

- YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.IT'S SO GOOD.

- BEST VODKA.- YEAH, I REP KIRKLAND.

- HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.WE'RE GONNA ELECT JILLIAN.

THAT WAY, WE'LL TELL HERWHAT TO BUY.

WE'LL STEAL FROM HER.IT WONT COME BACK TO US.

WE'LL BE GENIUSES.- YEAH, SHE'LL BE--

SHE'LL BE LIKE ELMO,AND WE'LL BE THAT

ALLEGEDLY BLACK PERVERT DUDEWITH OUR HAND UP HER BUTT.

- YEAH.- I'M GONNA UNHUDDLE NOW.

GUYS, SO FOR THE ELECTIONTHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT,

WE ELECT JILLIAN.

- WHOO!WAIT. WHAT?

THAT'S WHY WE GOT YOULOOKING LIKE

THE PORN STARFROM NAILIN' PALIN.

- YOU LOOK GREAT.- HERE, FINAL TOUCH--

PUT THESE CHICKEN CUTLETSIN YOUR BOOB CUPS.

- GO AHEAD.- YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?

- OH, YEAH, YOU KIDDING ME?

BIG TITTIES--THEY COMMAND RESPECT.

YEAH, YOU GOT TO HAVE AT LEASTTHOSE KAT DENNINGS UPSTAIRS

TO GET ANYWHEREIN THIS WORLD.

- OKAY?- YES.

- WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- UM, WHAT'S, UH,YOUR NAME AGAIN?

- GIL.- GIL.

OKAY, HIS NAME IS GIL.- OKAY.

- HE WORKS HERE.- HERE?

- YEAH.HOW ABOUT THAT?

- HEY, GIL.MY NAME IS GILLIAN BELK,

AND I WORK HERE TOO.NO, I'M SORRY--JILLIAN.

I'M JILLIAN BLECK.NOPE. BLELK.

BLOCKS.MY NAME'S BLING--

- DON'T--JUST START FROM THE TOP.

- UH...MY NAME'S LENNON.- JUST START OVER.

- I CAN'T.I'M GONNA THROW UP.

HI, BILL.MY NAME IS JILLIAN BELK.

AND I'LL SHOP FOR YOU.

THAT'S MY SLOGAN.I THOUGHT OF IT.

- JUST MAKE SURE YOU BUYLOTS OF FRUITY PEBBLES, OKAY?

THEY'RE BOMB-DOT-COM.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA NEEDTO TAKE THESE FOR TESTING.

MAKE SURE THERE'SNO RICIN.

MMM. NO, DON'T TASTEANY RICE IN IT,

BUT I'M GONNA KEEP THESE FORTESTING--IT'S A SECURITY THING.

- LET ME GET SOME OF THOSE, MAN.THEY'RE SO GOOD.

- THAT'S MY LUNCH,YOU TROLL!

- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

COME ON. COME ON.

- UGH!

- YOU SHOULD, LIKE, COME HANGOUT WITH US SOMETIME, MAN.

- YEAH, THAT'D BE COOL.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IF I COULD PLEASE HAVEYOUR ATTENTION.

[whistles]UP HERE.

- HEY, I'M MONTEZ'S REAL DOCTOR.I SWEAR TO GOD.

I'VE SEEN HIS PENIS,

AND I'VE STUCK THIS FINGERUP HIS HEINIE.

ONE QUESTION--WHY WOULD MONTEZ WALKER NEED

TO EAT HEALTHYWHEN A GOOGLE SEARCH SHOWED

MONTEZ WALKER HAVINGZERO HEALTHY PROBLEMS?

SOUNDS TO ME LIKEHE'S A HEALTHY LIAR.

JILLIAN BELK ISA REAL COOL CHICA,

AND I VIBE WITH HER.

OH, I'M A DOCTOR,AND I-I'M A REAL DOCTOR,

AND I APPROVE OF THAT.

- AND I APPROVE OF THAT.

I'M JILLIAN BELK,AND I'LL SHOP FOR YOU.

THAT'S MY SLOGAN.- SHE MADE IT UP HERSELF.

- LET'S SHOW SOME RESPECT.WAYMAN!

CLAP.THERE WE GO.

THAT MEANS NO PLACETO PUT OUR BONERS,

EXCEPT IN OUR HANDS...AGAIN.

- IT'S NOT AS FUN--I'VE GOTCALLOUSES FROM WORKING OUT.

- I DON'T KNOW--MAYBE WE SHOULDJUST GET OUR SNACKS AT 7-ELEVEN.

THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS DO.- WHAT?

- 7-ELEVEN DOESN'T HAVE PARTYTINS FULL OF POPCORN, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT KARL ASKED FOR.

ALL I'M SAYING IS WE ARESUPPOSED TO BE LIVING

THAT CRAZY COSTCO LIFE.- I KNOW.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE EVERTOLD YOU GUYS THIS STORY,

BUT I SNUCK INTO A COSTCOWHEN I WAS A KID.

- YEAH, WE'VE HEARD THAT STORY.- YEAH.

- IT WAS THE MOST MAGNIFICENTEXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

THERE WAS GIANT TRAMPOLINESHANGING FROM THE CEILING.

LIKE, SHAMPOO BOTTLESTHAT ARE, LIKE...

all: THE SIZEOF MY MASSIVE THIGHS.

- I ONLY GOT, LIKE,15 FEET IN,

THEN I WAS TACKLEDBY SECURITY.

- [laughs]BUT IT WAS--

IT WAS, HONESTLY, THE BEST40 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

- YEAH.- WE'VE HEARD THIS STORY.

- WELL, THENWHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?

- I DIDN'T STOP YOUBECAUSE I LIKE THE STORY,

AND IT GOT ME JACKED UPABOUT SOME KIRKLAND JEANS

THAT I WANT, MAN.

- THAT'S PART OF THE STORY!

- THE WIDE LEGS,THE THICK DENIM.

- THE ELASTIC WAISTBANDS.- MM-HMM.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA WANTTO HAVE A FEW SNACKS

WHILE YOU'RE THERE.

- AND IF YOU GET 'EMWITHOUT THE POCKETS

ON THE BACK, NO SNAGGIN'.

- THAT'S--THOSE ARE WOMEN'S JEANS. YEAH.

- WELL, THEY JUST SIT BETTERON MY HIPS.

- YOU DO HAVEA VERY WOMANLY FIGURE.

- I HAVE WHAT I HAVE.- YOU ALSO HAVE TITS.

- NICE SKIN.- YOU KNOW, QUITE FRANKLY...

I'M WILLING TO MARCHINTO ALICE'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW

AND SAY...

[deep voice] "I QUIT."- RIGHT?

- "I'M GONNA GO BEA COSTCO SECURITY GUARD."

[normal voice] I MIGHT JUST USEMY REGULAR VOICE, THOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW.- OR...

WE STEAL THE SNACKSFROM THE BREAK ROOM.

OCEAN'S ELEVEN AND THIRTEENTHIS BITCH.

- [bleep] OCEAN'S TWELVE!

- YEAH.- TOTAL MISFIRE.

- ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE, WAYMOND.PUT YOUR HAND OUT.

NO ONE LIKES A GUMMI SLUT.GET OUT OF HERE.

- HEY, JILLIAN.

COULD I PLEASE GET FOURLOW-SODIUM STRING CHEESES?

- WELL, YOU'VE ALREADY HITYOUR SNACK LIMIT FOR THE DAY.

NOW HIT THE ROAD.

- [chuckles]

JILLIAN, I DON'T THINKYOU UNDERSTAND.

I'M, LIKE, THE BIGGEST DUDEIN THIS OFFICE.

- OKAY, WELL, MY BEST OFFERIS SEVEN GRAPES.

- HEY, JILLIAN.- HMM?

- [bleep] YO' GRAPES!

- I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE

WE'VE GOTALL OUR DUCKS IN A ROW HERE,

UH, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE BASICALLY,THE WAY I'M LOOKING AT IT--

YEAH. NO, I KNOW.

BUT TRUST ME,THE DEAL IS ALMOST DONE.

- HEY, JILLIAN, UM,DO YOU HAVE THE KEYS

TO THE STORAGE CLOSET?

- WHAT FOR?

- I JUST NEED TO VACUUMSOMETHING.

- UH, WHAT SOMETHING?- [laughs]

UM, WELL,IT'S JUST THAT, UH...

[whispers]I WANTED TO SHAVE MY NIPPLES.

BUT THEY'RE, LIKE,KIND OF HAIRY,

SO I DON'T WANTTO GET HAIR EVERYWHERE.

- [moaning][knock on stall door]

A LITTLE PRIVACY, BUDDY!

I'M OBVIOUSLY MASTURBATINGRIGHT NOW--IT HURTS.

FEELS LIKE RAZOR BLADESARE COMING OUT THE TIP.

JUST KIDDING.I'M POOPING HERE!

OH! WHOO!WHAT DID I EAT--ROCKS?

ALICE.

OH, I'VE GOT SOME...PRETTY GROSS NEWS.

I, ON ACCIDENT, DROPPEDAN ATOM BOMB IN THE BATHROOM,

AND THE TOILET WAS DESTROYED,SO THAT IS ON ME.

AND I KNOW A PLUMBERWHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.

AND YOU LOOK AWESOME TODAY,BY THE WAY.

YOU'RE BUSTED, BUSTERS!

- WHAT?- [laughs]

WHOO! I GOT YOU.I GOT YOU SO GOOD.

YES!- ALL RIGHT, JUST...

PLEASE DON'T TELL ALICEABOUT THIS.

- YOU GOT US.GOOD ONE, JILLIAN.

- NO, NO, NO.

NO, THIS IS TOO EASY.

YOU GUYS ARE SMARTERTHAN THIS.

YOU WANTED METO CATCH YOU HERE.

- UM, WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

- EARLIER TODAY, I NOTICEDYOU GUYS WERE ACTING

A LITTLE STRANGE.

AND WHEN ADAM CONFRONTED MEIN THE BREAK ROOM...

- [bleep] YO' GRAPES!

- I COULD TELL YOU WEREGETTING DESPERATE FOR SNACKS,

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHEN DERSPUT THE PLAN INTO ACTION.

- THE DEAL'S ALMOST DONE.

JILLIAN'S DUMB ASS IS NEVERGONNA KNOW WHAT HIT HER.

- AND I GOT TO TELL YOU--LAME ATTEMPT

AT DISTRACTING ME, BLAKE.

I'VE SEEN WAY HAIRIER NIPPLES.

BUT YOU DID GET THE VACUUM.

THAT WAS THE FIRST SLIPUP.

- MY SECOND MISTAKE WAS THINKINGTHAT ADAM

HAD CLOGGED THE TOILETWITH AN EMPTY-STOMACH DUMP.

- [imitating flatulence]

HEY, I'M POOPING HERE!

NOT.- NOT, INDEED.

I'M GUESSING YOU SHOVEDYOUR UNDERSHIRT

DOWN THE PIPE TO CLOG IT.

BUT ALICE BOUGHT THE WHOLECHICKEN AND POODLE, DIDN'T SHE?

- BUT I'M GONNA HIRE A PLUMBER,GET IT FIXED.

- WHICH BRINGS US TOYOUR PLUMBER FRIEND, KARL.

THEN THAT KARL GUYMUST HAVE GONE INTO THE VENTS...

CUT HOLES BEHINDEVERY CABINET...

SUCKED THE SNACKS OUTUSING BLAKE'S SHOP-VAC...

AND THEN TAPED UPTHE BACK OF THE BAGS

SO THEY LOOKED UNTOUCHED...

WHICH MEANS THAT THESE--

THESE CHIPS IN HERE...

ARE ALL EMPTY.

SO THE ONLY THINGI'M LEFT WONDERING IS,

HOW THE HELL DO YOU PLANON SNEAKING THE SNACKS

OUT OF THIS BUILDING?

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I'M ALL DONE,SO I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.

I'LL SEE YOU AT MY PARTY.- LATER.

- HEY, GET OVER HERE!

MAN IN GRAY,GET BACK HERE!

- AAH!

OH, MY GOD!OH. OH!

- GET OVER HERE!- OH! OW!

YOU MADE MY DISCMAN SKIP!

- SO WE SHOULD JUSTSTEAL THESE SNACKS, RIGHT?

- YEAH.- MM-HMM. COOL.

- ALL RIGHT.- THAT WORKED OUT.

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