CC Presents: Shaun Majumder

  • 01/11/2008

MAN, WHITE PEOPLE,YOU GOT IT EASY HUH?

CRACKER. WHATE-- OH, YOU'RE SOHIGH ON CARBOHYDRATES. WOO.

WHATEVER, WHITE PEOPLE.YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YOU'RE JUST SO EMPLOYABLE.HA, HA. BACK OFF SPF-90.

I MEAN NOTHING-- HUH--

AND RACIST NOISES.I LOVE RACIST NOISES.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE.PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"YEAH, THIS CHINESE GUY,HE WAS LIKE,

WONGA CHINGY WONG WONG CHINGY--"NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT.

OR INDIAN PEOPLE. "BOPTY BOPTY,DIPPIDY--" SHUT UP!

MY FAVORITE ARE ARABIC GIRLS.I LOVE THAT.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "OH YEAH,AND THEN THEY'RE LIKE,

'LI-LI-LI-LI-LI.'" SHUT UP!NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT!

I'M A RACIST. I FEEL HORRIBLE.LIFE IS HARD.

LIFE SOMETIMESCAN BE VERY DIFFICULT.

LIFE MUST HAVE BEENVERY DIFFICULT

FOR MY FRIEND PETER GROWING UP'CAUSE HE HAD AN OLD DAD.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHATAN "OLD DAD" IS?

LIKE IN FIFTH GRADE, RIGHT,ALL OF OUR DADS, THEY WERE LIKE

45, 50. POOR PETER,HIS DAD WAS LIKE 89.

THAT MUST SUCK FOR HIM.HE'S LIKE "HEY DAD,

YOU WANT TO GO OUTSIDEAND THROW THE FRISBEE AROUND?"

"OH, NOT TODAY SON.

I MIGHT DIE."

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, DAD,DO YOU WANT TO GO FISHING?"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

NO ONE CAN REALLYBE RACIST TO ME.

BEING BEIGE. 'CAUSE NOBODY'SQUITE SURE WHAT I AM.

AND I HAVE FUN WITH IT, TOO.

I'LL GO INTO THE MOSTRACIST PART OF TOWN

AND I'LL JUST GO INTO SOME LIKETAKE-OUT CHICKEN PLACE.

EVERY TIME, SAME THING HAPPENS,GUY'S LIKE,

[Southern Drawl] "HEY,HOLD ON ONE MINUTE THERE,LITTLE FELLAH. HA, HA.

"YOU SEE THAT SIGN RIGHT THERE?IT SAYS, CLEAR AS DAY,

"WE DON'T SERVEYOUR KIND IN HERE. HA, HA!

- "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM THERE--- [LAUGHTER]

"OKAY, DON'T TELL ME.DON'T TELL ME.

"OKAY, HANG ON NOW,I KNOW YOU'RE NOT WELCOMEJUST BY LOOKING AT YOU.

"JUST GIVE ME A SECOND NOW.OKAY. HOW ARE YOU AT DRIVING?

"ARE YOU A GOOD DRIVER?YOU'RE GOOD ARE YOU?

"WHAT ABOUT BASKETBALL, ARE YOUA GOOD BASKETBALL PLAYER?

"NOT THAT GOOD. SHOOT.OKAY, HERE'S ONE.

"SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,HOW ATTRACTED ARE YOU TO SHEEP?

"GODDAMN.I CANNOT FIGURE YOU OUT

"YOU LITTLE RUBIK'S CUBE.ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL.

OKAY, I TELL YOU WHAT,YOU BETTER HURRY UP AND ORDERBEFORE MY MANAGER GETS BACK."

AND I JUST WALK UP,OF COURSE, AND I'M LIKE,

[Indian Accent] "I WILL HAVE THETANDOORI CHICKEN TITS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.NOW, BROWN. BROWN MEN.

[Indian Accent]"BROWN POWER. BROWN POWER.WE ARE POWERFUL. WE ARE--

"WE ARE VERY POWERFUL.

"POWER!

"NO. SOMEONE TURNED UP THEPOWER THE-- THE FLASHLIGHT--

"THE LIGHT BULB IS OUT.WHAT THE HELL?

- IT-- THE POWER."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

USED FOR BROWN PEOPLE.

PACKY, IN MY HOME COUNTRY,PACKY IS THE WORD USED.

NOW, SEE, HERE'S THE THING,

MY PARENTS SEPARATEDWHEN I WAS A BABY. OKAY?

SO I GREW UP IN ALITTLE TINY COMMUNITY,

BURLINGTON,NEWFOUNDLAND, CANADA,

TOWN OF 350 PEOPLEWITH MY WHITE MOM, MY SISTER

AND 347 WHITE PEOPLE.I HAD NO IDEA

I WAS DIFFERENT,MY BROWN FRIEND.

I HAD NO I-DEA.I THOUGHT I WAS LIKE

EVERY OTHERSEVEN-YEAR OLD WHITE KID,RUNNING AROUND,

CUT OFF JEAN SHORTSAC/DC TANK TOP, MUSTACHE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT SHOULD HAVE BEENA DEAD GIVEAWAY

THAT I HAD INDIANGENETICS RIGHT THERE.

THE ONLY ONE IN MYFIFTH GRADE CLASS

WITH A GIANTPORN STAR MUSTACHE.

INDIAN BOYS, WHEN WE'RE BORN,JUST COVERED HEAD TO TOE

IN HAIR.IT'S DISGUSTING, OKAY?

"OH, MRS. MAJUMDER,IT'S A BRAND-NEW BABY...THREE TOED SLOTH?

EW, PUT IT BACK."I HAD TO SHAVE AROUND

TO JUST GET A MUSTACHE.THAT'S HOW HAIRY I WAS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I HAD NO IDEA.AND I'D HEAR KIDS AT RECESS,

"GET THE LITTLE PACKY!"AND I WAS SO EXCITED

'CAUSE I'D NEVERSEEN A PACKY BEFORE.

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH,LET'S GET HIM. COME ON BOYS.

WHERE IS HE? LET'S GO!WOO-HO! HA, HA! WOO!"

"WHY ARE Y'ALLSTANDING AROUND STARING AT ME?

LITTLE FRIGGER'SGETTING AWAY, HA, HA."

TURNS OUT I WAS THE PACKY.NOW, OH MY GOD,

THIS IS HORRIBLE RIGHT?AND THEN I'D GET BEAT UP.

BUT THEN I FIGURED IT OUT,

MY DAD'S FROM INDIA,NOT PAKISTAN.

MY BULLIES JUSTNEEDED TO BE EDUCATED.

ANOTHER RECESS,ANOTHER BEATING. PUNCHING ME.

"HA, WE GOT YOU NOWYOU LITTLE PACKY."

"NO, NO, YOU'REGEOGRAPHICALLY INCORRECT."

"WHATEVER PACKY." "NO, NO,INDIA SUCCEEDED FROM PAKISTAN

UNDER THE INDIAN INDEPENDENCEACT ON AUGUST 15th, 1947."

"SHUT UP PACKY." "ALTHOUGHTHE SIMILARITIES ARE OBVIOUS,

"YOU CAN'T JUST LUMP US UNDERTHE SAME RACIAL STEREOTYPE

OR YOU LOSE ALL CREDIBILITYAS AN IGNORANT, RACIST, BIGOT."

"WHATEVER PACKY."I MEAN, SURE I HADMY TEETH BASHED IN,

AND I PEED MYSELF,BUT SHE WAS WRONG, OKAY?

- SHE WAS MISINFORMED.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME TO YOUR COUNTRY AND WORK.LIKE I SAY, WE HAVE

TWO GREAT COUNTRIES,CANADA AND THE U.S.

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL'CAUSE WE CAN KEEP OUR CULTURES.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE COME FROMALL OVER THE WORLD

AND THEY COME HERE AND YOU'REALLOWED TO KEEP YOUR LANGUAGE.

EVEN ANIMALS ARE ALLOWEDTO KEEP THEIR WAY OF LIFE,

YOU KNOW, WHEREVERTHEY'VE COME FROM.

I HAVE A FRIENDWHO HAD A LITTLE KITTEN

HE BROUGHT OVER FROM SCOTLAND.IT WAS SO CUTE

TO HEAR HIM SPEAKIN HIS NATIVE TONGUE.

I WAS LIKE, "HI LITTLEKITTY, KITTY, KITTY."

HE LOOKED UP AT MEWITH HIS BIG POUTY EYESAND HE WAS LIKE,

- "MEE-UUW!- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MEE-UUW! ACH, MEE-UUW.ACH--" FUR BALL.

I LOVE THAT MOVE--THAT GAG MOVE.

YOU KNOW I LOVE IT--UGH-- WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT.

YOU SHOW THEM A PICTURE OFMAGGOTS AND A BANANA SUNDAE

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"UGH, THAT'S GROSS."

I SAW THIS KID, AND HE WASDOING THIS WITH HIS FINGER.

IT WAS SO AWESOME.HE'D TAKE HIS FINGER

AND GO-- UGH-- AND HE WAS SOHAPPY WITH HIS NEW DISCOVERY,

A NEW PART OF HIS BODY THAT--AND HE JUST KEPT DOING IT--

I WAS LIKE, "BUDDY,YOU BETTER STOP. MY GOD.

"THAT'S GONNA JUSTTAKE HOLD AND BE A TICK,

"YOU KNOW, JUST A PARTOF YOUR EVERYDAY SPEECH.

"MAYBE IT'LL LAY DORMANTFOR 22 YEARS, YOU KNOW.

"AND THEN IT'LL JUST HIT YOUWHEN YOU'RE IN A JOB INTERVIEW.

THAT WOULD SUCK." YOU KNOW,"SO BILLY, WHY DO YOU

WANT TO WORK FOR USHERE AT MILLER ESTEVEZ?"

"OH, I DON'T KNOW,YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M READY.

"I THINK ONE OFTHE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS

"THAT WE CAN ALL LEARN FROMAS WE GO THROUGH--

"WITH THIS VENTUREIS THAT PEOPLE--

IS WHAT'S REALLYIMPORTANT IN BUSINESS.

"IT'S NOT MONEY.AND WHEN I USED TO PLAY

"COED SAINT PAT'S I'D FOUNDTHAT ONE OF THE MOST

"IMPORTANT THINGSWAS LEADERSHIP.

"AND, I MEAN, YOU'LL FINDIF YOU PUT ME FACE TO FACE

"WITH A CUSTOMER YOU'LL-- UGH--YOU'LL NOTICE THAT TOGETHER

"WE CAN BUILD BRIDGES THAT--UGH-UGH-- NO ONE ELSE WILL

"EVER BE ABLE TO BRIDGE.UGH, UGH--

"YOU CAN PUT ME ON THE PHONES.I'M VERY GOOD ON THE PHONES.

"HELLO, YOU'VE REACHEDMILLER AND-- UGH, UGH, UGH--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAY I HELP YOU?"

WHEW, I THINK I JUSTTORE MY KEGEL MUSCLE.

LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE BEENA LOT OF FUN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.MY NAME IS SHAUN.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

WHAT'S UP NEW YORK.

THIS IS AWESOME.THIS IS AWESOME.

MY BELLY IS TINGLY.THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

THIS IS AWESOME.GUYS, I'M SO EXCITED.

I'M REALLY STOKEDABOUT BEING HERE.

BUT I'M ALSO EXCITEDABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.THIS IS REALLY COOL.

I AM OFFICIALLY...

A LEGALIZED ALIEN RESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

I JUST GOT MY GREEN CARD.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING MEWORK IN YOUR COUNTRY.

- THANK YOU.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH. I--

YEAH, I'M ASKILLED WORKER FROM CANADA.

AND-- I-- I KNOWI LOOK MEXICAN. HOLD ON.

OKAY, BUT I CAN'T SCALE A WALLTO SAVE MY LIFE, FIRST OF ALL.

AND JUNA HABALAJO EL ESPANISHIOLA PAMPLAMOOSE.

SO DON'T WORRY.I LOVE IT. I KNOW IT.

I'M FROM CAN--SEE HERE'S THE THING.

I'M CANADIAN.I LIVE IN THE UNITED STATESAND I LOOK MEXICAN.

I AM THE NORTH AMERICANFREE TRADE AGREEMENT.

THANK YOU.YOU CAN CALL ME NAFTA.

A LOT OF MISCONCEPTIONSABOUT CANADIANS, OKAY?

FIRST OF ALL,WE'VE HAD ELECTRICITYSINCE THE EARLY '80s,

OKAY, SO WHATEVS.OKAY, SECOND OF ALL,

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OKAY,

OF PEOPLE COMING UP TO MEWHEN THEY HEAR I'M FROM CANADA

LIKE, "OH YEAH,YOU'RE FROM CANADA. EH?"

NO, LISTEN,I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF THAT.

NOT ALL CANADIANS SAY "EH."OKAY, I MEAN, THINK ABOOT IT.

THINK ABOOT ITJUST FOR A SECOND.

WHO MANY CANADIANS DO YOU KNOWARE HOOTEN-A-BOOTEN THEIR HOOSE

GOING "EH" ALL THE TIME?THE ONLY CANADIANS

WHO SAY "EH" ALL THE TIMEMIGHT BE THE ONES IN THE MAFIA.

THEY'D BE LIKE,"EH." FORGET ABOOT IT.

YEAH. YOU LIKE HIM?

BRINGING SOCCERTO THE MAINSTREAM

OR FOOTBALL AS IT'S CALLED INMOST OTHER PLACES IN THE WORLD.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

I TOLD THAT TO A GUYTHE OTHER DAY AND HE WAS LIKE,

[Southern Drawl]"EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE--"REMEMBER THIS GUY?

SAME GUY. "EXCUSE ME?WHAT DID YOU SAY, FOOTBALL?

"NAH, IT AIN'T CALLED FOOTBALL.

"SEE, THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUTTHE REST OF THE WORLD, OKAY.

"EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE US,THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

"I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.YOU'RE JUST TRYIN' TO TAKE

"THE NAME OF OUR GAME,PUT IT ON A NAME OF YOUR GAME,

"MAKE IT SEEM TOUGHER.THAT'S NOT ATOUGH SPORT OVER THERE.

"BUNCH OF FRUITY TOOTSRUNNIN' AROUND IN THEIR

"STAY UP STOCKIN'SKICKIN' A BALL WITH THEIR FOOT.

"STOPPIN' THE BALLWITH THEIR FOOT.

"BLOCKIN' A BALLWITH THEIR FOOT.

"ONLY THING THEY CAN TOUCHWITH THE BALL IS THEIR FOOT.

"THAT AIN'T FOOTBALL,YOU IDIOT.

"OKAY, FOOTBALL'S WHEN AREAL STRONG MUSCULAR MAN

"TAKES HIS HANDS AND HE PUTSTHEM BETWEEN A MAN'S LEGS.

"AND HE TAKES THE BALLWITH HIS HANDS.

"RUNS WITH THE BALLIN HIS HANDS.

"THROWS THE BALL WITH HIS HANDS.BLOCK THE BALL WITH HIS HANDS.

"AND THEN SCORES A TOUCHDOWNWITH HIS HANDS.

"THAT'S FOOTBALL, YOU IDIOT.

"FOOTBALL'S A BATTLEBETWEEN MEN,

"A DOGFIGHT TO THE FINISH.THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL IS.

"I TELL YOU WHAT ELSE TOO,SCREW THE METRIC SYSTEM

"WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.DON'T YOU THINK

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.THAT'S JUST TERRORISM

"WRAPPED UP IN ZEROS AND ONES.

"WE GOTTA GET OVER THERE ANDGET THAT DEWY DECIMAL FELLAH

"BEFORE HE GETS OVER HEREAND GETS USTEN TO THE POWER OF WHAT,

TEN TO THE POWEROF FREEDOM BITCH."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

IN OUR COUNTRY.AND AS I WALK AROUND,

THINGS, YOU KNOW,WE'RE VERY SIMILAR.

AND I WANT TO UNITE US.FOR EXAMPLE,

OUR MILITARIES ARE ATEQUAL STRENGTH, YOU KNOW.

WHICH IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.RACIAL DIVERSITY.

LOOK AT THIS CROWD.THAT WHAT MAKES OUR COUNTRY

SO BEAUTIFUL,THE RACIAL DIVERSITY.

EVEN LOOKING IN THIS CROWD.

WE'VE GOT SOMEMEXICAN TYPE LOOKING PEOPLE.

A POLISH KIND OFSCOTTISH MIX RIGHT THERE.

GOT YOUNG AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN,PROUD BLACK AND-- SCOTT--

WITH HIS SCOTTISHPAN/ASIAN GIRLFRIEND--

- I DON'T KNOW.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT RACIAL DIVERSE--THIS COUNTRY IS BEAUTIFUL

BECAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,YOU WANT TO BE A RACIST,

YOU CAN BE ANY KINDOF RACIST YOU WANT TO BE.

THERE'S JUST SO MUCHHATE TO CHOOSE FROM.

IT TRULY ISA LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

JUST PICK YOUR FLAVORAND IT'S AWESOME.

RACISM IS MAKING AHUGE COMEBACK IN THE LASTFEW YEARS, ISN'T IT?

I LOVE RACISM.I THINK IT'S GREAT.

IT IS. IT'S SO MUCH FUN.I GUESS I COULD SAY THAT THOUGH

- 'CAUSE I'M BEIGE.- [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, LIKE,WHO HATES BEIGE PEOPLE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYINGLADIES, RIGHT?

ONCE YOU GO BEIGE YOU NEVERGONNA FORGET IT BECAUSE...

BEIGE PEOPLE ARE REALLY GOODAT THAT KIND OF THING.

AND THEN IF YOUHAVE THE OPPORTUNITY,

THE NEXT TIME AROUND,AND YOU COULD CHOOSE BETWEENA RACE OR WHATEVER, YOU--

HIGH PERCENTAGE CHANCEYOU'LL GO BEIGE.

I'M PARAPHRASING.BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

NOW WHAT DOES IT MEANTHAT I'M BEIGE?

WELL, MY MOM IS WHITE.I MEAN, SUPER WHITE.

SHE COMES FROM ASMALL TOWN IN CANADA.

PEOPLE THERE ARE SO WHITE.GUYS TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS,

YOU CAN SEE THEIRHEARTS BEATING. LIKE--

I MEAN, IT'S GROSS.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE IF ET KNOCKED UP ONE OFTHOSE COLD THAI SPRING ROLLS.

DO YOU KNOW THOSECOLD THAI SPRING ROLLS?

THE ONES YOUDIP IN THE ORANGE SAUCE

AND MAYBE YOUSHARE IT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND

BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PAD THAI.YOU KNOW THAT ONE?

THAT'S HOW WHITEMY MOM'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY IS.

AND THEN MY DADCOMES FROM INDIA.

[Indian Accent]"YES, HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

"NICE TO SEE A BROWN PERSON HERETONIGHT, VERY NICE TO SEE YOU,

VERY NICE."INDIAN PEOPLE ARE SO SWEET.

[Indian Accent]"HELLO, WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

EVEN WHEN WE'RE REALLYPISSED OFF PEOPLE SAY,

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? OH NO,YOU DIDN'T. OH NO, YOU DID NOT.

"OKAY, WELL NOWI'M GOING TO HAVE TO [BLEEP]YOU UP "REALLY GOOD THEN.

OKAY, THANK YOU.DON'T COME AGAIN BITCH."

THERE'S A LOT OFTECHNOLOGIES OUT THERE

TO HELP THOSELESS FORTUNATE, YOU KNOW?

BUT SOMETIMES ITPISSES ME OFF. OKAY?

I WAS STANDINGAT A STREET CORNER, OKAY,

STANDING, WAITINGFOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE.

YOU KNOW THE STREET LIGHT.AND I HEAR THIS NOISE,

"BEEP, BOOP.

BEEP, BOOP.BEEP, BOOP."

IT'S FOR BLIND PEOPLE.HAVE YOU HEARD THIS?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE,"BEEP, BOOP"?

AND MY MUSHROOMSJUST KICKED, TOO.

- SO I WAS LIKE, "WHOA."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BEEP, BOOP." I THINK THIS NOISEIS SO CONDESCENDING.

YOU KNOW? AS IF THESE PEOPLEDON'T HAVE IT BAD ENOUGH.

NOW, AT EVERY STREET CORNER,THEY GOTTA BE REMINDED,

"BEEP, BOOP. WHO'S BLIND?YOU ARE. BEEP, BOOP!

[Baby Talk] WHERE'S YOUR BALL?WHERE'S YOUR BALL? YES IT IS.

YOU'RE BLIND. YOU CANNOT SEE.NO, YOU CANNOT SEE."

I THINK THEY SHOULDCHANGE THE NOISE.

I THINK THEY SHOULD JUSTCHANGE THE SUBTLE TONE OF IT

SO IT DOESN'T SOUND SO"BEEP, BOOP, BEEP BOOP" RIGHT?

HERE'S WHAT I THINKTHEY SHOULD DO.

SO THE BLIND GUY'SSTANDING THERE

READY TO CROSS THE STREET,RIGHT, WHATEVER,

THEY'RE REALLY FAST.BLIND PEOPLE NOWADAYS.

BLIND GUY'S STANDING THEREWAITING TO CROSS.

LIGHT CHANGES.AND INSTEAD OF HEARING,

"BEEP, BOOP." THIS ISWHAT HE HEARS, OKAY, READY?

BE MORE LIKE--"OKAY BLIND PEOPLE!

"OKAY, YOU CAN GO.OKAY, YOU BETTER GO.

"OKAY, NO, SERIOUSLY DUDE,IT'S YELLOW. OH [BLEEP]. RUN!

- BEEP, BOOP. BEEP!"- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, BLIND PEOPLE.

I LOVE WOMEN. LOVE 'EM.

I LOVE WOMEN.AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-- SEE HERE'S THE THING,I GREW UP IN A HOUSEHOLD

FILLED WITH WOMEN.SO I WAS TAUGHT,

AT A VERY EARLY AGE,TREAT WOMEN WITH RESPECT.

TREAT THEM LIKE A FLOWERBLOSSOMING IN THE SPRINGTIME,

- AND NEVER TO PUNCH THEM. AND--- [LAUGHTER]

THESE WERE THE VALUES INSTILLEDIN ME AT AN EARLY AGE.

AND SO I WAS WITHTHIS GIRL THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND YOU KNOW,THINGS WERE GOING REALLY WELL.

AND WE WENT BACK TO HER HOUSEAND THINGS WERE GETTING HOT.

AND WE WERE KISSINGVERY AGGRESSIVELY ON THE MOUTH.

AND-- THEN SHE STARTED,AS THINGS HEATED UP,

HER BEHAVIORBEGAN TO CHANGE A LITTLE BIT.

SHE STARTED TALKING WITHHER TEETH GRITTED LIKE THAT.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, HA, HA."SHE WAS LIKE, "ARRR."

AND I WAS, "YEAH, ARRR, ARRR."AND THEN SHE SAID TO ME,

SHE GOES, "YEAH, I WANTYOU TO DO BAD THINGS TO ME.

I WANT YOUTO TALK DIRTY TO ME."

- AND I WAS LIKE, "HA, HA."- [LAUGHTER]

IN MY HEAD I WAS LIKE, "MOM,YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS."

SO I WAS TOTALLY CONFLICTED.I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, RIGHT?

AND SHE WAS REALLY HOTSO I COULDN'T DROP THE BALL

ON THIS ONE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN FELLAHS?

SO I WAS JUST GONNAHAVE TO PUT MY MORALS AWAYAND JUST DO IT, RIGHT?

SO WE'RE INTERCOURSING.

WE'RE INTERCOURSING GOOD.AND I LOOK AT HER,

AND I'M LIKE,"DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?YOU'RE REALLY INCONSIDERATE

OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGSSOMETIMES, YOU KNOW THAT?

"YOU KNOW THAT?YOUR POSTURE'S HORRIBLE,

"ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU THAT?YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE--

WHERE YOU GOING?WHERE YOU GOING?"

TURNS OUT THAT'S NOTHOW YOU TALK DIRTY TO A WOMAN.

I TOLD MY FRIENDS ABOUT IT,THEY BROKE MY BALLS FOREVER.

THEY WERE LIKE, "THAT--YOU GOTTA FIX THAT MAN."

SO I WAS LIKE,OKAY, I'M NEVER GONNA--

I LEARNED.I LEARNED, RIGHT?

SO THE NEXT TIME I WASIN A VERY SIMILAR SITUATION.

I'M WITH THIS GIRL.WE GO BACK TO HER HOUSE.

WE'RE KISSINGVERY AGGRESSIVELY.

AND IT'S GOING AMAZING.AND SOON AS SHE WENT, "GRR."

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, YOU WANT TO [BLEEP]YOU DIRTY LITTLE [BLEEP]?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SHE STOPPED AND SHE SAID,"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

AND I WAS LIKE--"OH, THAT. OH, NO, NO.

"OKAY, SEE MY FRIENDS,THEY TOLD ME THAT WHEN--

"OKAY, 'CAUSE YOU MADE THIS,'GRR,' NOISE. AND I--

"THEY SAID-- AND I WASWITH THIS GIRL ONE TIME,

"AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE--WHERE YOU GOING?

- "WHERE YOU GOING?- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.YOU'RE REALLY SOFT AND PRETTY."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

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