Live in New York City

  • 12/09/2011

Tom Papa describes the day-to-day oddities of life with his wife and daughters, the divergent views men and women have about weddings and the key to life.

YOU EVER CREATE SO MANYUSER NAMES AND PASSWORDS

SO NO ONE WILLSTEAL YOUR IDENTITY

THAT YOU NO LONGER KNOWYOUR OWN IDENTITY?

LIKE, "USER NAME: TOM PAPA.

WRONG."

"MONKEY47?""WELCOME."

THEN SOMETIMES THEY EMAIL YOUBACK YOUR PASSWORD WHEN YOU

FORGET IT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL WASI THINKING?

BUTTERFLY WHISPERS?"WAS I ON ECSTASY WHEN I

JOINED AMAZON?

FACEBOOK IS COMPLETELY OUT OFHAND NOW, RIGHT?

IT'S THE WHOLE PLANET NOW.

IT'S TOO MUCH.

IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.

AND, YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE BEENSO MUCH NICER TO EVERYONE IN MY

LIFE IF I KNEW EVENTUALLY THEYWERE ALL COMING BACK.

[laughter]"HEY, GOOD TO HEAR FROM

YOU, KENNY.

SORRY I LEFT YOU IN THE WOODSTHAT NIGHT.

GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR WAY OUT ANDGREW UP AND STUFF.

KIDS WILL BE KIDS, HUH?"POWERFUL THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

IT'S CHANGING THE PLANET.

THE WHOLE PLANET IS BEINGCHANGED BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK.

NO ONE SAW ANY OF THIS, RIGHT?

A JEWISH KID IN AMERICA CREATESFACEBOOK, AND IT HELPS THE

EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT COLLAPSE.

NO ONE SAW THAT COMING.

[laughter and applause]EVEN THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD WAS

LIKE, "WE'D LIKE TOTHANK THE JEWS?"

[laughter]"FEELS WEIRD."

IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN AROUNDTHROUGHOUT HISTORY.

HOW MANY LIVES WOULD HAVEBEEN SAVED?

"'LOOK OUT, LINCOLN!'LOL!

I'M PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS."

[chuckles]

MY MOTHER'S ON IT NOW.SHE'S ALL OLD AND CONFUSED.

YEAH, SHE CALLS IT MYFACE.

"ARE YOU ON MYFACE?

YOUR FATHER'S ON MYFACE."

[laughter]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE CONFUSED

OR PERVERTED.

DON'T SAY THAT EVER AGAIN."

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

EVERYONE'S ON MYFACE.

UNCLE BOB, AUNT BETSEY."

IT'S NICE TO SEE A GOOD NEWS

STORY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE LOSING

IT AND FLIPPING OUT.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME EXCUSE.

"OH, HE DIDN'T FIT IN.

HE HAD HARD TIME FITTING IN.

HE NEVER REALLY FIT IN."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE IS NO FITTING IN.

I DON'T FIT IN.

YOU DON'T FIT IN.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

FITTING IN.

LIFE IS A PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS,

AND YOU ARE A BIG FAT-ASS.

[laughter]

THAT'S IT.

IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE BEING A

HUMAN BEING.

NO ONE LIKES YOU.

NO ONE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH

YOU AFTER THE AGE OF TEN.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS TO BE A

HUMAN BEING.

NO ONE LIKES YOU.

YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.

THAT'S HOW WE LIVE.

RIGHT?

YOU EVER WALK INTO A RESTAURANT

AND EVERYONE'S ALREADY SAT AND

YOU FEEL EVERYONE'S HATE ON YOU

IMMEDIATELY?

"OH, JEEZ, WHY IS EVERYONE

LOOKING AT ME?

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN

THIS SHIRT.

AM I WALKING FUNNY?

I BETTER SIT DOWN AND BLEND IN.

THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD."

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE EVERYWHERE

YOU GO?

SO AM I. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

IT'S JUST THE WAY--THAT'S WHY

ALCOHOL IS SUCH A POPULAR

PRODUCT.

[cheers and applause]

IT'S TRUE.

IT REALLY WORKS, RIGHT?

EVEN COMING OUT TONIGHT, "WE'RE

GONNA BE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE?

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA DRINK FIRST,

RIGHT?"

IT WORKS.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND

THEY TOLD YOU YOU

SHOULDN'T DRINK?

"WELL, YOU REALLY

SHOULDN'T DRINK.

IT'S NOT GONNA SOLVE ALL YOUR

PROBLEMS.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA FORGET ABOUT

THEM FOR A LITTLE WHILE."

ALL RIGHT, LINE 'EM UP.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

IT'S BETTER THAN THINKING ABOUT

THIS ALL THE TIME.

I DRINK SO MUCH MORE NOW, SO

MUCH MORE, AND NOT LIKE THAT FUN

HAPPY HOUR DRINKING EITHER.

EVER SINCE I HAD KIDS, IT'S MORE

LIKE STANDING ALONE AT THE

KITCHEN SINK KIND OF DRINKING.

[laughter]

DADDY'S A LOT MORE FUN WHEN HE

GETS SOME OF HIS MAGIC JUICE

INSIDE OF HIM.

EVERY PICTURE MY DAUGHTER DRAWS

OF ME NOW HAS ME WITH

A MARTINI GLASS.

IT'S JUST A TRIANGLE, A STICK,

AND MY THREE FINGERS.

YEAH, THREE FINGERS.

SHE'S NOT THAT BRIGHT, BUT SHE'S

A GOOD KID.

SHE MAKES A MEAN DRINK TOO.

YOU'D LIKE HER.

OH, IT'S GOOD.

ALCOHOL IS GOOD.

THIS IS A COMMUNAL WAY TO

BE HAPPY.

YOU'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER.

YOU'RE THINKING THE SAME WAY.

IT'S A GOOD THING.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE

ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

IT'S A SNEAKY WAY TO BE HAPPY,

RIGHT?

JUST BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ALONE

IN THE MORNING, POPPING A PILL.

"YAY!

I LOVE MONDAYS."

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU'RE A LIAR.

YOU'RE CHEATING THE SYSTEM.

AND 1% OF THOSE PEOPLE REALLY

NEED IT.

THE REST, "I'M JUST NOT HAPPY

ALL THE TIME.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME,

AND I'M NOT."

WELL, YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

WE DON'T GET TO BE HAPPY

ALL THE TIME.

IF WE DID, WE'D SIT ALONE IN OUR

ROOMS, "WHEE!"

NO.

LOWER THE BAR, LOWER THE BAR.

YOU'RE A GROWN-UP.

YOU GET ONE DAY A YEAR.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[laughter]

THAT'S IT.

IF YOU'RE LUCKY--IF YOU'RELUCKY YOU'LL FIND ONE PERSON OUT

OF ALL THE BILLIONS ON THEPLANET--THE BILLIONS--YOU'LL

FIND ONE WHO WILL LIVE WITH YOUFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

ONE!

AND I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

THEY DON'T LIKE YOU THATMUCH EITHER.

[laughter]BUT IT'S BETTER THAN

BEING ALONE.

I SAY GET MARRIED.

JUST FIND SOMEONE, HOOK UP, ANDDO IT.

JUST DO IT.

IF YOU'RE DATING RIGHT NOW, IT'STOO MUCH PRESSURE.

YOU'RE WORKING YOUR ASS OFF FORWHAT?

FOR WHAT?

RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW,YOU COME OUT--

"IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE SEATS?

ARE YOU OKAY?

DID WE PARK TOO FAR?

IS EVERYTHING--AHH!"IF YOU'RE MARRIED, THEY CAN'T

SAY ANYTHING.

IF THEY COMPLAIN, YOU JUST TURNTO THEM.

"YOU WANTED TO GO OUT.

WE'RE OUT."

[laughter]

TOO MUCH WORK.

YOU SEE DATING COUPLES IN ARESTAURANT, THEY'RE JUST

YAPPING AWAY AS SOON ASTHEY SIT DOWN.

"YAN-YAN-YAN-YAN-YAN-YAN-YAN!"THE WAITER COMES OVER.

"I'M SORRY, WE DIDN'T EVEN OPENIT UP.

WE DIDN'T--WE'VE BEENTALKING SO MUCH."

[laughter]

MARRIED COUPLES: MENUS RIGHT UP

IN EACH OTHER'S FACE.

"I CAN TALK TO YOU FOR THE RESTOF MY LIFE.

I'M HERE TO EAT... SOMETHING YOU DID NOT COOK."

[laughter]

IT'S GREAT. IT'S GREAT.

AND THERE'S NO GETTING OFFENDED.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CAREFULAROUND EACH OTHER.

IF YOU'RE A GIRL RIGHT NOW ANDYOU GO HOME WITH A GUY, YOU'RE

CHILLY, YOU GOT TOBE SO CAREFUL.

"I'M--I'M A LITTLE--DOES IT FEELA LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE?

DO YOU MIND IF WE CLOSE THEWINDOW JUST--I KNOW YOU'RE

NORMALLY HOTTER THAN I AM.

BUT DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE WECOULD--UHN YUH-HAH?"

WHEN MY WIFE IS COLD SHE JUSTYELLS AT ME.

"SHUT THE DAMN WINDOW."

AND I YELL BACK AT HER, "I'MDOING IT!"

AND WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.

WE'RE JUST COMMUNICATING IN ATIMELY FASHION.

[cheers and applause]

THERE'S NO TIME TO GET OFFENDED.

"WHERE ARE THE KIDS?""I DON'T KNOW."

[laughter]"ARE WE HAVING SEX TONIGHT?"

"IF I'M STILL AWAKE."

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU TOO."

PLEASE, YOU DON'T GET OFFENDED.

ONE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF AFIGHT MY WIFE CALLED ME A

BLOATED JELLYFISH.

ALL I SAID WAS, "GOOD ONE,GOOD ONE," BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE

THE REST OF MY LIFE TO GETHER BACK.

[laughter]THESE FIGHTS NEVER END,

EVER, EVER.

WE GOT IN A FIGHT THREE YEARSAGO ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY TO LOAD

A DISHWASHER.

THREE YEARS AGO.

I REMEMBER HAVING THE FIGHT.

I REMEMBER THINKING I WONTHAT FIGHT.

TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN I WAS WITHANOTHER COUPLE, SOMEONE

MENTIONED "DISH."

MY WIFE ATTACKED OUT OF NOWHERE.

[laughter]

I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, AND SHE

WAS JUST WAITING ME OUT LIKE ACROCODILE IN THE WATER

FOR THREE YEARSTILL I WALK BY.

"DISH!""AHH!"

YOU'RE JUST ILL-PREPARED.

YOU'RE ILL-PREPARED.

WE DON'T SEE THESETHINGS COMING.

YOU HOOK UP BECAUSE YOU'RE JUSTATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER.

AND THEN YOU END UP INTHIS LIFE.

AND YOU HAD NO IDEA IT WASCOMING.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY LIFE.

I LIVE IN A HOUSE.

I HAVE A WIFE.

I HAVE TWO LITTLE GIRLS AND TWOGIRL CATS AND ME.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DRINK,RIGHT THERE.

JUST ME AND A HOUSEFULOF GIRLS, JUST LIKE I DREAMED OF

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.

[laughter]

I USED TO SIT ALONE AT NIGHT AND

THINK TO MYSELF, "I CAN'T WAITUNTIL I GET RID OF ALL MY

FRIENDS AND JUST MOVE INTO AHOUSE FILLED WITH GIRLS,

JUST A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE EVENTHE ANIMALS ARE GIRLS, JUST A

HOME FILLED WITH EMOTION AND AHATRED OF EVERYTHING I ENJOY."

[laughter]

NO, YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING.

AND GUYS DON'T SEE IT COMINGMORE THAN WOMEN, 'CAUSE WE HAVE

NO IDEA ABOUT MARRIAGE OURWHOLE LIVES.

WE DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, MY DAUGHTERS AREALREADY--IT'S IN THEIR BRAINS.

THEY THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE.

GIRLS THINK ABOUT IT.

WHETHER YOU WANT TO DO IT ORNOT, IT'S IN YOUR BRAIN.

GUYS NEVER, NEVER.

WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WHEN YOUWERE LITTLE WITH ALL YOUR LITTLE

GUY FRIENDS, "LET'S PLAY MARRY.

LET'S PRETEND I JUST CAME HOMEFROM THE STORE AND BROUGHT ALL

THE WRONG STUFF, AND YOUYELL AT ME."

[laughter]

NO, WE DON'T CARE.

WE DON'T CARE.

EVEN WHEN WE'RE GETTING MARRIEDWE DON'T CARE.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S BRIDEMAGAZINE.

THERE'S NO GROOM MAGAZINE.

WHAT ARTICLE COULD BE IN GROOMMAGAZINE?

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T STARE AT THEBRIDESMAID'S ASS?

WHAT?

EVEN WHEN IT'S THE MOSTIMPORTANT DAY OF OUR LIVES, WE

DON'T EVEN WEAR OUR OWN CLOTHES.

WE RENT OTHER MEN'S CLOTHES.

"HERE'S A PAIR OF PANTS THATSOMEONE ELSE THREW UP ON.

IS THAT GONNA BOTHER YOU?""NO, IT'S COOL.

I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY."

[laughter]AT A TOTAL DISADVANTAGE.

BUT WOMEN, YOU MAKE THE MISTAKEOF THINKING THAT MEN ARE GONNA

MAKE YOU HAPPY.

AND THAT, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, ISA DUMB THING TO DO.

DON'T PIN YOUR HAPPINESS ONMEN, PLEASE.

OUR LEVELS OF HAPPINESS DON'TMATCH UP.

HE CAN'T DO IT.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

AND YOU THINK EACH STEP YOU GOIS GONNA BRING YOU CLOSER.

"WELL, MAYBE IF HE JUST GOES OUTWITH ME AND NOBODY ELSE, THEN

I'LL BE HAPPY."

NO.

"WELL, MAYBE IF WE GET ENGAGEDAND I HAVE A BIG RING AND I CAN

TELL EVERYBODY WE'RE GONNA GETMARRIED, THEN I'LL BE HAPPY."

NO.

"WELL, MAYBE IF I GET MARRIEDAND DRESS UP LIKE A SNOW

PRINCESS AND HAVE A BIG MOUNTAINOF SHRIMP AND A CHOCOLATE

WATERFALL, THEN I--HAH."

NO.

YOU PUT IN A MAN IN A CONCRETEROOM WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO, NO

FURNITURE, NOTHING, HE IS HAPPY.

AND THEN SHE WALKS IN, "WHAT AREYOU DOING IN HERE BY YOURSELF?

YOU LOOK ALL SAD."

"NO, I'M HAPPY."

"BUT YOU'VE GOT NO ONETO TALK TO.

DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU SAD?""WELL, NOW I'M TALKING TO YOU,

AND NOW I'M MISERABLE."

[laughter]

NO, THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO

THE WOMEN.

AND THANK GOD.

IF IT WASN'T UP TO YOU, WE'D ALLJUST BE ROLLING AROUND IN THE

MUD AND THROWING UP ON EACHOTHER AND PEEING ON THINGS.

IT JUST--IT WOULDN'T WORK.

THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO YOU.

IT IS.

THE FIRST TIME I SAW MY WIFE, IWASN'T THINKING, "OH, SHE HAS

GOOD BIRTHING HIPS.

LET ME MOUNT THAT."

[laughter]NO.

I WAS JUST THINKING, "NEW SEX.

YAY!"IT'S A POWERFUL MOMENT,

ISN'T IT?

YOU SEE HER.

SHE SEES YOU.

THERE'S THAT ATTRACTION.

YOU CONVINCE HER THAT YOU'RENOT A RAPIST.

THAT'S A SPECIAL NIGHT.

RIGHT?

SHE BRINGS YOU BACK TO HER ROOMFOR THE FIRST TIME, A

GIRL'S ROOM.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE HEAVENLYON EARTH?

IT'S LIKE A GENIE BOTTLEIN THERE, RIGHT?

PILLOWS EVERYWHERE.

YOU RUB IN THE RIGHT SPOT, ALLYOUR WISHES COME TRUE.

AND YOU ALL WORK THE ROOM'STOTALLY LITTLE DIFFERENT LITTLE

TOUCHES, LITTLE TAPESTRIES ONTHE DRESSER, LITTLE BEADS ON THE

BEDPOST, WEIRD BOTTLES UP ON THESHELVES FILLED WITH NOTHING.

IT'S LIKE A MAGIC CASTLE.

BUT THEN YOU GET MARRIED, ANDTHEN YOU REALIZE IT'S

YOUR ROOM TOO.

[laughter]THAT'S NOT COOL.

THERE'S NO MYSTERY LEFT.

THEN YOU REALIZE SHE HAS ALLTHOSE EMPTY BOTTLES UP THERE

'CAUSE SHE'S LAZY.

SHE JUST BUYS STUFF AND DOESN'TTHROW IT OUT.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE NEWSEX ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE OLD SEX.

STILL GOOD, BUT NOT THAT OFTEN.

GOT A LOT OF FREE TIME NOW,YOU GOT TO FILL IN A

LOT OF YAPPING, A LOT OF YAP,YAP, YAP, YAPPING.

THEN YOU REACH THAT POINT WHEREYOU'RE LIKE, "I LOVE YOU.

I REALLY DO.

BUT IF YOU TELL ME THAT STORYABOUT YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL ONE

MORE TIME, I'M GONNA BURY YOU INTHE YARD."

THIS IS WHY YOU ENDUP WITH KIDS.

YOU NEED NEW MATERIAL.

YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO TALKTO, AND THEN YOU CREATE THE

WORST ROOMMATES ON THE PLANET.

HORRIBLE PEOPLE TO LIVE WITH,HORRIBLE.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS, IMAGINEHAVING A ROOMMATE THAT COMES

INTO YOUR ROOM, TAKES SOMETHINGYOU LOVE, SMASHES IT IN FRONT OF

YOU, AND THEN WALKS OUTOF THE ROOM,

THEN COMES BACK, PEES ON IT, ANDLAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

[laughter]

THEY'RE ANIMALS.

YOU EVER OPEN UP A PACK OF M&MsAROUND LITTLE KIDS?

THEY COME AT YOU LIKE GOATS IN APETTING ZOO.

NO HANDS, JUST HEADS.

[bleating]

AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK

TOGETHER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I HATE THEM."

"I HATE THEM TOO."

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU TOO."

THE WORST PART IS THAT THEYDON'T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH.

KIDS DON'T.

I LIKE MY KIDS.

I LIKE THEM A LOT.

THEY DON'T LIKE ME.

THEY DON'T.

IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, WOULD YOUWALK UP TO 'EM WHEN THEY'RE

READING THE PAPER AND JUST TEARIT OUT OF THEIR HANDS?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WOULD YOU [bleep] BLOCK THEMEVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK?

[laughter]

NOT TO SOMEONE YOU LIKED.

THEY JUST LOOK AT ME AS A SOURCEFOR FOOD, AND THEY'LL LIE RIGHT

TO MY FACE, RIGHT TO MY FACE.

THEY WILL.

THEY DON'T CARE.

THEY DON'T CARE.

THIS IS THE THING.

YOU LOVE KIDS IN ANUNCONTROLLABLE WAY.

LIKE, IF YOU LOVE ANOTHERPERSON, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR

GUY OR YOUR GIRL, YOUCAN CONTROL.

YOU CAN PUT THE BRAKES ON IT.

"I'M GONNA LOVE HER THIS MUCH.

I DON'T WANT TO EXPOSE MYSELF.

I'M GONNA KEEP IT BACK."

KIDS, THERE'S A CASCADING LOVE.

IT'S HELPLESS.

YOU WILL KILL FOR THEM, ANDYOU'RE IN FREEFALL.

AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE,"MEH, I COULD DO BETTER.

IF I GET SOME OF THOSE KEYS THATHE'S GOT, I'M OUT OF HERE."

>> BUT I FOUND SOMETHING OUT.

IF YOU EVER END UP WITH KIDS ANDYOU WANT A LITTLE ADVANTAGE

OVER THEM, RAISE THEM HERE INNEW YORK, BECAUSE THE WEATHER IS

SO BAD IT CREATESGLOOMY CHILDREN.

IT'S PERFECT.

WE WERE IN L.A., AND JUST THESUNSHINE--THE KIDS WERE SO

FILLED WITH JOY AND HOPE ANDENERGY, AND EVERY DAY, "CAN WE

GO TO THE PARK?

CAN WE THROW A BALL?

CAN WE GO IN THE POOL?

CAN WE, CAN WE, CAN WE?"ANNOYING.

HERE THEY JUST SIT IN THEAPARTMENT AND STARE OUT AT

THE RAIN FOR HOURS.

AND THEY JUST WATCH THE WATERFALLING, AND THEY GET ALL SAD

AND PENSIVE AND CONTEMPLATEWHAT WENT WRONG IN THEIR FIRST

SEVEN YEARS ON THE PLANET.

AND THEY REALIZE I CAN'T HELP,AND I'M JUST READING A BOOK,

AND I'M HAPPY.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER.

IT IS.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER.

LISTEN, I DON'T CARE IFKIDS PLAY.

THAT'S COOL.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

BUT NOW, THIS CULTURE, PARENTSARE SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THE

KIDS NONSTOP.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

IT WAS KIDS AND GROWN-UPS.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT BEINGA THING, LIKE, WHEN

WE WEREN'T ALL THE SAME?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

RIGHT?

MY FATHER WASN'T SOME HIREDPARTY CLOWN WHEN I WAS A KID.

HE WAS THE FATHER.

HE WAS THE DAD.

THAT WAS A DIFFERENT DEAL.

HE WAS THE KING OF HIS CASTLE.

HE WAS.

AND THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHTI'D BE.

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNAHAVE KIDS.

I'M GONNA BE THE KINGOF THE CASTLE.

I'M GONNA MAKE PEOPLEAND RULE THEM."

[laughter]THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

THAT'S AN OLD VERSION OF DAD.

THERE'S A NEW KIND OF DAD NOW.

NOW YOU'RE PART MOM, PART DAD.

YOU'RE LIKE THIS USELESSHERMAPHRODITE JUST HANGING

AROUND THE HOUSE.

THERE'S NO RESPECT FOR FATHERS.

EVEN THE CARTOONS THE KIDSWATCH: "HERE COMES DAD!"

[humming sprightly tune]"WHAT A DOUCHE BAG."

[laughter]DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FATHER

COMING HOME FROM WORK?

IT WAS LIKE THE BAD GUY COMINGBACK TO THE TOWN IN THE

WILD WEST.

MY MOTHER WOULD GATHER USIN THE KITCHEN.

"YOUR FATHER'S COMING.

DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

HE'S GONNA TAKE YOURHEAD RIGHT OFF.

HE LOVES YOU.

HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ORHEAR FROM YOU."

I GET HOME, IT'S LIKE THE CAMPCOUNSELOR JUST GOT THERE.

"HERE'S THE KIDS.

I'M GOING FOR A MASSAGE.

SEE YOU LATER, JACKASS."

OKAY.

MY FATHER WOULD LAY OUT IN THEMIDDLE OF THE PLAY ROOM, JUST

SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAYROOM JUST ON THE FLOOR, JUST

LAY THERE.

MY MOTHER WOULD--"IT'SYOUR FATHER!

SHH, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

GET OUT.

IT'S YOUR FATHER.

HE WORKS HARD.

GET OUT."

"LOOK, IT'S RAINING."

"GET OUT."

I TRY AND SLEEP IN MY HOUSE,PEOPLE ARE POKING ME

IN THE FACE, LITERALLY OPENINGMY EYES,

"ARE YOU AWAKE?

ARE YOU AWAKE?

WE NEED YOU TO HOOK UP THE WII.

HOOK UP THE WII.

HOOK UP THE WII.

HOOK UP THE WII.

HOOK IT UP.

HOOK IT UP.

HOOK IT UP!"I HIDE IN THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO HIDE.

I PAY FOR THE WHOLE PLACE.

I SIT IN THE BATHROOMLIKE AN IDIOT.

AND THEY START POUNDING ONTHE DOOR.

AND, LIKE, A NORMAL PERSON, IFSOMEONE DOESN'T ANSWER,

"OH, THEY'RE BUSY.

I'LL COME BACK LATER."

NO, THEY GET ON THE GROUND, TWOEYES LOOKING UP AT ME.

THE OTHER ONE STARTS WIGGLINGFINGERS UNDERNEATH.

THEN THE CAT GETS INVOLVED.

THE PAW COMES UNDER.

IT'S LIKE AN ATTACK OFTHE NEEDY IDIOTS.

[laughter]

AND IT'S OUR GENERATION'SCOMPLETELY INFANTILE GUYS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE NOTGROWN-UPS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THESE DADSAT THE PARK.

THEY DRESS LIKE THE KIDS.

THEY'RE IN CONVERSE, AND THEY'REDRESSED EXACTLY LIKE THEIR

LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLDS, ANDTHEY'RE HIGH-FIVING AND TRYING

TO BE COOL AND ACCEPTED BY THEEIGHT-YEAR-OLDS.

WHOO!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO BEA MAN.

I WANT TO SIT IN THE PARK ON ABENCH AND SMOKE A CIGAR AND

DRINK A MARTINI AND HAVE MY KIDSLOOK AT ME FROM THE SWINGS AND

THINK, "I'M NOT EVEN GONNA ASKHIM TO PUSH.

THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GETTING UP."

[laughter]AND THEN THE ONE TIME I DO GET

UP, IT WILL BE SPECIAL.

THEY'LL GO, "WOW, HE LOVES US!"AND THEN THEY'LL TELL THEIR

KIDS, AND IT WILL BE A THING.

IT WILL BE, "REMEMBER THE TIMEWHEN HE GOT UP, AND HE PUSHED US

ON THE--HUH?"AND HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS IT OF

THE PARENTS TO TELL KIDSTHAT THEY SHOULDN'T GET THEIR

OWN FRIENDS THEIR OWN AGE?

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.

I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER.

WE'RE NOT HANGING OUT.

WE ARE ENEMIES ON ACOSMIC LEVEL.

YOU'RE TRYING TO DESTROY ME.

I'M TRYING TO DESTROY YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

AND IT IS.

THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTROY US.

THEY'RE SLOWLY TRYING TODESTROY US.

I SEE PICTURES OF US WHEN WEFIRST GOT MARRIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO.

TEN YEARS AGO.

WE JUST LOOK LIKE SO FILLEDWITH HOPE, MY WIFE AND I,

JUST BRIGHT EYES AND HAIR.

I HAD SO MUCH HAIR.

IT JUST LOOKED GREAT.

WE LOOKED LIKE WE WERE ON OURWAY TO VEGAS.

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING WHENYOU'RE ON YOUR WAY?

YOU'RE LIKE, "ANYTHING CANHAPPEN!

YAY!"NOW ALL THE SHOTS OF US LOOK

LIKE WE'RE ON THE RETURN FLIGHTAFTER WE GOT OUR ASS KICKED IN

VEGAS.

IT'S BLOODSHOT EYES ANDMESSY HAIR.

[giggles]IT'S AWFUL.

IT COMPLETELY CHANGESEVERYTHING.

AND THIS IS THE HARDEST PART,BECAUSE YOU HOOK UP.

I LOVE WOMEN.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN WITH GIRLS.

I'VE HAD LONG RELATIONSHIPS.

I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM.

AND NOW THIS WASTHE ULTIMATE WOMAN.

THIS IS THE ROMANTIC STORY OFMY LIFE, THE WOMAN I'M GONNA

MARRY.

ROMANCE TO THE END OF TIME.

BUT THEN YOU HAVE KIDS AND PETSAND IN-LAWS AND MORTGAGES AND

ALL THIS OTHER CRAP.

THERE'S NO TIME FOR ROMANCE.

WE ARE NOW BUSINESS PARTNERS INTHIS AWFUL NONPROFIT

ORGANIZATION.

[laughter]WE WORKING OUR ASS OFF FOR

NOTHING, FOR NOTHING.

"OH, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE."

[laughing]

IN THE BEGINNING, MY WIFE WAS

THE HOT CHICK WHO I

HAD SEX WITH.

I'D JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AND

WATCH HER GO BY, "YAY!"

NOW SHE'S THE "WASH YOUR HANDS"

LADY.

NOW SHE JUST RUNS AROUND THE

HOUSE, YELLING AT ALL OF US

24 HOURS A DAY, "DID YOU WASH

YOUR HANDS?

DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

DID YOU WASH HER HANDS?"

SHE'S LIKE A HUMAN TISSUE BOX.

PULLS WIPES OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE

ON HER BODY.

"TAKE A WIPE, TAKE A WIPE,

TAKE A WIPE, TAKE A WIPE,

TAKE A WIPE."

SO NOW I GOT TO BE TURNED ON BY

THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY.

IT'S TRICKY.

AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK AT ME LIKE

A SEXUAL BEING.

I'M LIKE THIS WEIRD WEATHERMAN

THAT SHE LIVES WITH, APPARENTLY.

IT'S MY JOB TO TELL HER THE

WEATHER 24 HOURS A DAY.

AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP IN THE

MORNING, "IS IT COLD OUT?

HOW COLD IS IT GONNA BE?"

[laughter]

"DO I NEED A JACKET?

DO I NEED TWO JACKETS?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE ALWAYS HOTTER THAN ME

ANYWAY."

SO YOU PUT THE "WASH YOUR HANDS"

LADY AND THE WEATHERMAN

TOGETHER, IT'S NOT A REAL SEXUAL

VIBE GOING ON.

AND, LOOK, I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

SHE'S GREAT.

SHE'S, YOU KNOW, SHE'S GREAT.

I LOVE HER.

BUT SHE IS NOW THE SCARIEST

WOMAN I KNOW.

AND SHE HAS TO BE, BECAUSE THESE

DEMONS ARE TRYING TO KILL US.

SHE HAS TO BECOME MORE POWERFUL

THAN THEY ARE.

WE HEAR HER COMING DOWN THE

HALLWAY, ALL THREE OF US JUST

FREAK OUT.

"DID EVERYBODY DO--ARE YOU SURE?

DID YOU--ARE YOU SURE YOU DID

EVERYTHING?"

[gravelly voice] "WHO LEFT OUT

THE BATHROOM TOWELS?

AHH!"

[mouthing words]

AND NO LOYALTY.

WE SELL EACH OTHER OUT

IMMEDIATELY.

"IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE.

IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE."

SHE CAN'T DEFEND HERSELF.

"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?"

AND I'M KISSING HER ASS.

"GOOD JOB, HONEY.

TOWELS ARE IMPORTANT."

[gravelly voice] "I'LL BE BACK

FOR YOU."

"OKAY.

I'LL BE CLEANING SOMETHING."

SHE DOES EVERYTHING.

SHE DOES IT ALL.

SHE TAKES CARE OF THE KIDS.

SHE DOES ALL OF IT.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, ALL OF IT.

I DON'T EVEN--SHE HAS AN

ATTACHMENT WITH THESE CHILDREN

THAT I WOULD NEVER--I DON'T

HAVE IT.

WE GO OUT TO DINNER, AS SOON AS

WE GET IN THE CAR, SHE STARTS

CRYING.

"I MISS THEM ALREADY."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE'S

TALKING ABOUT.

[laughter]

GOD FORBID, IF ANYTHING EVER

HAPPENED TO MY WIFE, I WOULD

HAVE TO REMARRY IMMEDIATELY

TO ANYONE.

JUST DRIVE DOWN THE STREET.

"HEY, YOU WANT TO LIVE INSIDE

FOR A WHILE?"

[laughter]

"NO, BRING THE CART.

BRING THE CART.

THAT'LL COME IN HANDY."

AND THE KIDS ARE COOL, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE COOL.

THEY'RE GETTING BIGGER.

THEY'RE AT SCHOOL.

THEY CAN TALK NOW. IT'S FUN.

YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH THEM,

YOU KNOW.

HEY, LISTEN, SMALL TALK TO ME

WITH CHILDREN IS SO MUCH BETTER

THAN SMALL TALK WITH ADULTS.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, AT LEAST THEY'RE COMING

UP WITH NEW THOUGHTS,

TRYING NEW IDEAS.

I WAS AT A WEDDING WITH THESE

GROWN-UPS I KIND OF KNOW.

THEY'RE JUST REGURGITATING

STORIES THEY'VE SAID FOR

50 YEARS.

THERE'S NOT ONE

ORIGINAL THOUGHT.

IT'S JUST CLICHES.

"OH, HOW'S WORK, DON?"

"WELL, STILL A MILLION BUCKS

SHY OF BEING A MILLIONAIRE.

[chuckling]

I GOT MY COMMUTE DOWN TO ABOUT

AN HOUR IF I TAKE THE BACK ROAD.

IF I TAKE THE HIGHWAY,

YA-YA-YA-YA, YA-YA-YA-YA,

YA-YA-YA-YA.

AND THE GAS PRICES, A HUH-HUH

HUH-HUH-HUH!

AND MY GOLF GAME, BAAAH."

SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

MY DAUGHTER WALKED IN THE OTHER

DAY, FIRST THING OUT OF HER

MOUTH, "MOM'S BREATH SMELLS LIKE

A TACO."

"GREAT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.

WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE A TACO?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

NORMALLY IT SMELLS LIKE PLASTIC,

BUT TODAY IT SMELLED LIKE

A TACO.

I THINK THERE WAS A UNICORN IN

MY ROOM LAST NIGHT.

I SAW SOME SPARKLES.

DO YOU SMELL A RAINBOW?

I THINK I SMELL A RAINBOW."

"YOU'RE AWESOME.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET HIGH

WITH YOU.

THIS IS AMAZING."

[cheers and applause]

WHO SMELLS RAINBOWS?

BUT ALL THE SCHOOLS IN OUR

NEIGHBORHOOD NOW ARE RUN BY

EX-HIPPIES AND POTHEADS.

EVERYWHERE WE GO, "WE DON'T

BELIEVE IN GRADES HERE,

MAN, OR RULES OR STRESSING OUT

YOUR CHILD IN ANY WAY."

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE

THAT'S A SCHOOL.

I WANT A REAL SCHOOL WITH A FAT

LUNCH LADY WHO CAN'T FIGURE OUT

WHO'S HITTING HER IN THE HEAD

WITH TATER TOTS.

RIGHT, THE PRINCIPLE'S A VIETNAM

VET CHAIN SMOKING IN THE PARKING

LOT, STARING AT THE ASIAN KIDS

ALL WEIRD.

THAT'S WHY YOU GO TO SCHOOL:

LEARN THAT ADULTS ARE JUST AS

SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE, RIGHT?

I HAD A BAD HEALTH TEACHER WHEN

I WAS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY.

SHE MESSED ME UP FOR YEARS.

SHE WAS EXPLAINING WET DREAMS.

SHE SAID, "YOUR SPERM IS

NOCTURNAL, WHICH MEANS IT ONLY

COMES OUT AT NIGHT,

LIKE A RACCOON OR A POSSUM."

FOR YEARS I HAD NIGHTMARES THAT

AS I WAS SLEEPING MY SPERM WAS

OUT RUMMAGING THROUGH

GARBAGE CANS.

I COME DOWN IN THE MORNING ALL

PARANOID, EATING MY CEREAL.

"ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING WEIRD

LAST NIGHT?"

I'M GLAD WE GOT IT

OVER WITH, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE

OF THESE PEOPLE, 65, 70 DECIDING

TO HAVE KIDS.

THAT'S CREEPY.

JUST 'CAUSE SCIENCE SAYS YOU CAN

DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE

KIDS EITHER.

OLD SPERM MAKES OLD SPERM KIDS.

IT'S TRUE.

I SEE THEM AT THE PARK.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

YOUNG SPERM KID'S DOING FLIPS ON

THE MONKEY BARS, CLIMBING TREES,

RUNNING REAL FAST.

OLD SPERM KID'S IN A SWEATER ON

THE BENCH ALL COLD AND SHAKY IN

THE MIDDLE OF JULY.

AND A LOT OF WEIRD TWINS TOO.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

WITH ALL THIS IN VITRO CLONING

GOING ON, THEY'RE POPPING TWINS

OUT LEFT AND RIGHT.

AND THEY'RE NOT LIKE NORMAL

TWINS, WHICH ARE CREEPY ENOUGH.

THESE ARE, LIKE, SHIFTY AND

PARANOID, 'CAUSE THEY KNOW

THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

[laughter]

THERE'S A PAIR IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

I CALL THEM LITTLE JOHNNY

TWO-HEAD, 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS

WALK SINGLE FILE.

YOU THINK IT'S ONE KID

COMING AT YOU.

AND THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE THE

OTHER ONE POPS HIS HEAD OUT.

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY WEIRD STUFF

TO ME TOO.

THEY'RE LIKE, "CAN WE SWIM IN

YOUR POOL?"

"WE WON'T EAT YOUR LIVER."

I'M AT A POINT NOW WHERE I NEVER

FEEL THAT GREAT EVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"HOW YOU DOING?"

I'M LIKE, "DOING OKAY."

THEN IN MY HEAD I'M THINKING,

"EXCEPT FOR THAT WEIRD RASH ON

MY ELBOW."

THEN I GO HOME ON WEB MD.

"WHY DO I HAVE A WEIRD RASH ON

MY ELBOW?"

WEB MD SAYS, "OH, YOU PROBABLY

HAVE POISON IVY

OR CANCER."

[laughter]

IS THAT THE WORST WEBSITE IN THE

HISTORY OF WEBSITES?

WHY DO I HAVE THE SNIFFLES?

"OH, YOU HAVE THE COMMON COLD

OR NOSE CANCER."

[laughter]

THEY SHOULD JUST RENAME IT,

"YOU PROBABLY HAVE CANCER.COM."

"SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT WHEN YOU

LOOK UP INSOMNIA."

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THOUGH?

GO BACK TO THE GYM?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

IT'S BRUTAL, RIGHT?

'CAUSE EVERYONE IN THE GYM KNOWS

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN

TEN YEARS.

THEY'RE ALL IN THEIR NIKE HIGH

TECH GEAR.

YOU WALK IN IN JEANS AND PINK

LEG WARMERS, BIG

RED-WHITE-AND-BLUE HEADBAND,

DOING STRETCHES THAT NOBODY

DOES ANYMORE...

MAKING NOISES ON THE TREADMILL

THAT NOBODY ELSE IS MAKING.

[groaning]

YOU LITERALLY SOUND LIKE A

WHALE, LIKE A SAD WHALE.

[high-pitched groaning]

THEN YOU HEAR FROM THE OTHER

SIDE OF THE GYM...

"WAHHH!"

IT'S SOME OTHER LARD-ASS.

NOW YOU'RE COMMUNICATING.

"WAHH!"

"WURR."

"WAHHH."

MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE.

SHE THINKS IT'S MEAN TO

THE WHALES.

[laughter]

YEAH, SHE'S A VEGETARIAN,

HARD-CORE.

OH, NO FUN.

IT'S SUCH A BUMMER.

I HAVE TO SNEAK TURKEY

SANDWICHES IN THE GARAGE LIKE

I'M SMOKING WEED.

"ARE YOU OUT THERE?"

[muffled] "I'M COMING."

I WALK IN.

"YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

WHAT ARE YOU ON?"

"I DON'T KNOW, PROTEIN?"

[laughter]

THE KIDS ARE VEGETARIANS TOO, BY

THE WAY.

YEAH, TOMMY ALL ALONE AGAIN.

YAY!

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "THEY JUST

WANTED TO BE VEGETARIANS.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

THEY JUST CHOSE TO BE

VEGETARIANS."

YEAH, NO THEY DIDN'T.

THEY'RE LITTLE.

YOU BRAINWASHED THEM.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID.

SHE'D READ BOOKS TO THEM.

EVERY BOOK HAS LIKE A LITTLE PIG

WITH A HAT ON IT AND A BOW TIE.

"AND THEN THEY LIVED HAPPILY

EVER AFTER UNTIL DADDY GOT

HUNGRY AND ATE THEM ALL UP."

BUT I'M GONNA GET THEM BACK.

IF I GET THE BALLS, I'M JUST

GONNA COOK BACON EVERY DAY

FOR A WEEK.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A VEGAN.

YOU WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF

BACON EVERY MORNING, YOU'RE

GONNA BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHO

WAS IN THAT BOW TIE.

I'M GONNA BITE HIM IN HIS FACE."

[cheers and applause]

BUT WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.

I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT IF GOD DIDN'T INTEND FOR US

TO EAT THE ANIMALS?

HE MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY FREAKED

OUT WHEN WE STARTED.

[laughter]

RIGHT? ONE OF THE SAINTS COMES

UP, GIVES A REPORT ON EARTH.

"HEY, GOD, I JUST CHECKED ON THE

HUMANS DOWN THERE.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM."

[laughter]

"WELL, THEY'RE EATING

EVERYTHING.

NO, NOT THE PLANTS.

LIKE, EVERY ANIMAL YOU

EVER CREATED.

REMEMBER HOW YOU THOUGHT THEY'D

BE FRIENDS WITH THE COW?

THEY'RE NOT GETTING

ALONG AT ALL."

[laughter]

WHAT'S WEIRD TO ME IS THAT WE

ATE ALL THESE ANIMALS AND THEN

JUST STOPPED AT DOG AND CAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

RUN AROUND THE WHOLE PLANET...

[growling]

"NO, NO.

NO.

I'M GONNA TEACH THIS

ONE SOME TRICKS.

YES, I AM.

YES, I AM!"

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE THIS COUNTRY STARTS

COOKING ITS PETS,DON'T YOU THINK?

HOW MANY NEW MEALS CAN TACO BELLPOSSIBLY COME UP WITH?

REALLY, THEY ARE ONE BAD IDEAAWAY FROM A KITTY-CHANGA, DON'T

YOU THINK?

THEY'RE PROBABLY ALREADY COOKINGOUR PETS.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THAT CHIHUAHUAAROUND IN WHILE, HAVE YOU?

[laughter]I GO TO VEGAN RESTAURANTS

WITH HER.

YOU EVER TRY THAT?

YOU EVER GO TO AVEGAN RESTAURANT?

UGH, IT'S A BUMMER OF A NIGHT.

YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE, YOUGO TO A STEAK HOUSE.

PEOPLE ARE FILLED WITH JOY,BEER, AND WINE.

PEOPLE SLASHING EACH OTHERWITH KNIVES.

BLOOD DRIPPING OFF YOUR CHIN.

EVERYBODY IS LAUGHING, POUNDINGON THE TABLES.

[laughs heartily]YOU GO TO A VEGAN RESTAURANT,

NOBODY IS LAUGHING.

THEY'RE SO WEAK THEY DON'T EVENHAVE THE BREATH.

[laughter]"AHH."

SHE'S GOT TWO CATS, LOVES THEMTO DEATH.

LOVES THEM.

ONE'S HEALTHY, ONE'S DIABETIC.

YEAH, DIABETIC CAT.

THAT WASN'T EVEN A TERM TENYEARS AGO.

THAT WAS CALLED "NEW CAT."

[laughter]AND A HEALTHY CAT--DOES THAT

EVEN EXIST?

ALL THE CAT DOES IS EAT AND THENALMOST THROW UP ALL DAY LONG.

IT JUST WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE24 HOURS A DAY...

"UH-HAH."

[gagging]WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH A

HUMAN BEING THAT DID THIS EVER?

"THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD MEAL.

I'M GOOD.

I'M GOOD.

WANT TO GO SEE THAT MOVIE?

I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD..."

THAT'S THE HEALTHY ONE.

[laughter]THE OTHER ONE, $3,000 TO FIND

OUT IT WAS A DIABETIC CAT.

THREE GRAND.

AND WHEN THEY BRING IT BACK,IT'S NOT A HEALTHY CAT.

IT'S STILL A DIABETIC CAT.

WE HAVE TO GIVE IT SHOTS OFINSULIN IN ITS NECK TWO

TIMES A DAY;PUT PILLS ON THE END OF A STICK,

SHOVE IT DOWN ITS THROAT, FIRETHEM IN THERE.

IT'S BITING AND PEEING ON US.

I WOULDN'T DO THIS TO KEEP MYWIFE ALIVE.

[laughter]I WOULDN'T.

I'D BE LIKE, "BABY, WEHAD A GOOD RUN.

WE REALLY DID.

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER YOUTHIS WAY.

GET IN THE CARRIER.

WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE.

[laughter]

>> IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU KNEWEXACTLY WHEN YOU WERE GONNA DIE.

THEN YOU COULD AT LEASTPLAN IT OUT.

YOU KNOW, THEY SHOULD GIVE YOUYOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND YOUR

DEATH CERTIFICATE ONTHE SAME DAY.

THEN THAT LAST YEAR YOU CANENJOY YOURSELF.

"YEAH, GOOD LUCK, VISA.

LIKE I'M PAYING THAT BILL."

EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT.

"12:00.

TIME FOR MY MAYONNAISESMOOTHIE."

[laughter]"WHAT'S THAT?

I CAN BUY THIS WHOLE LIVING ROOMSET WITH NO PAYMENT

TILL NEXT YEAR?

OH, REALLY?"WRITE YOUR OWN OBITUARY THOUGH.

THAT'S MY ADVICE.

DO IT NOW. MAKE IT SPECIAL.

DON'T LEAVE ITUP TO YOUR FAMILY.

THAT WOULD BE CREEPY.

YOU EVER READ A BAD OBITUARY?

IT'S DEPRESSING.

"OLD HERBIE DIED TODAY AT 85.

HE REALLY LIKED PUZZLES."

MAKE IT UP.

"TOM DIED TODAY AT 85.

HE DISCOVERED PORTUGAL ANDINVENTED PINEAPPLE JUICE."

WHO'S GONNA CHECK?

AND IF THEY DO, WHO'S GONNA HAVETHE BALLS TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT?

"THIS GUY IS A LIAR."

"DUDE, HE'S DEAD."

[screeches]BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE

KEY TO LIFE.

FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND DRAGTHEM TO THE END WITH YOU.

THAT'S IT.

DON'T MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATEDTHAN THAT.

JUST FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ANDDRAG THEM TO THE END WITH YOU.

THAT'S IT.

AND YOU WANT TO MAKE YOURRELATIONSHIP LAST?

LIE.

LIE ALL THE TIME.

REALLY, JUST LIE.

YOU'RE A MAN AND A WOMANTOGETHER.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHINGTHE OTHER ONE WANTS TO DO.

BUT DON'T BE MEAN ABOUT IT.

DON'T TELL THEM THAT. JUST LIE.

"YOU WANT TO SHOP FOR CANDLESWITH ME TONIGHT?"

"SURE!""YOU WANT TO HOLD UP THESE

DRAPES WHILE I FIGURE OUT THECOLORS?"

[mumbling]"OKAY."

WE'RE HERE IN THE CITY, AND MYWIFE WANTED TO GO SEE A MUSICAL.

SHE KNOWS I HATE MUSICALS.

"DO YOU WANT TO GO SEE THE DROWSY CHAPERONE TONIGHT?

THAT WOULD BE A FUN DATE NIGHT,RIGHT?"

"IT SURE WOULD."

I HATE MUSICALS.

BUT LUCKILY, A FRIEND OF MINE ATTHE COMEDY CELLAR HAD GIVEN ME A

JOINT THE NIGHT BEFORE.

AND I DON'T SMOKE WEED ANYMORE,BUT I'M LIKE, "WHO THROWS OUT

A JOINT?

LET ME KEEP IT IN CASE OF ANEMERGENCY."

AND I'M LIKE, "THE DROWSY CHAPERONE?

I THINK WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY."

[laughter]SO I THROW IT IN MY POCKET.

I'M THINKING, "MAYBE I WON'TNEED IT, YOU KNOW?"

BUT I GET UP THERE, AND ALL THEPOSTERS ARE GOOFY.

THEY'RE LIKE...

[humming sprightly tune][laughter]

"THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

SO SHE GOES AND SITS DOWN.

I SNEAK INTO THE MEN'S ROOM.

THIS IS TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE.

A GROWN MAN, I LOCK MYSELF INTHE STALL.

I SMOKE THE WHOLE THING.

MARIJUANA SMOKE, ILLEGALMARIJUANA SMOKE JUST WAFTING OUT

INTO A BROADWAY LOBBY.

BUT YOU HAVETO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

AT THE THEATER, I'M A WHITE GUYIN A SUIT.

THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPENTO ME IS, SOME GUY APPROACHES.

"SIR, DO YOU SMELL THAT?"ALL I HAVE TO SAY: "OUTRAGEOUS."

[laughter]"I HAVE A MUSICAL TO SEE.

WHERE'S THE SNACK BAR?

I NEED SOME SOUR PATCH KIDS."

SO WE WENT IN AND WATCHED THEWHOLE STUPID-ASS DROWSY

CHAPERONE.

LOVED IT.

HIGH AS A KITE, LOVED EVERYMINUTE OF IT.

I WAS SINGING IT THEWHOLE WAY HOME.

[singing sprightly tune]AND SHE WAS SUSPICIOUS.

SHE SAID, "YOU SEEM TO LIKE THATA LITTLE TOO MUCH.

DID YOU GET HIGH?"I LOOKED HER RIGHT IN THE EYE.

I TOLD HER EXACTLY WHAT SHEWANTED TO HEAR.

I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T GET HIGH.

I WAS JUST HAPPY BEINGOUT WITH YOU."

SHE KNEW I WAS LYING.

I KNEW I WAS LYING.

BUT WE WENT TO BED HAPPY.

THAT'S THE POINT.

IT'S THE SAME AS WHEN SHE SAYSMY LOVE HANDLES ARE CUTE.

THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE CREEPY.

WHEN I'M JOGGING DOWN THE BEACHAND I HAVE TWO BASSET HOUND

CHEEKS FLAPPING OVER THE SIDE OFMY SUIT, SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO

THROW UP.

BUT SHE LIES.

GUYS, YOU WIN IN THEWHOLE EQUATION.

YOU WIN.

JUST DO IT.

YOU WIN IN THE WHOLE THING.

WOMEN, YOU HAVE TO BE WITH US.

YOU LOSE.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WITH YOU IN THEFIRST PLACE.

WE TRY AND LIVE WITHMEN OURSELVES.

IT'S AWFUL, RIGHT?

YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL.

"I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

I'M LIVING WITH MY FRIENDS.

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA GET A HOUSE."

THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

THEY STEAL YOUR MONEY, YOURBOOZE, SLEEP WITH YOUR WOMEN.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH PIRATES.

IT'S AWFUL.

[laughter]NO ONE CLEANS ANYTHING EVER.

THE BATHROOMS ARE LIKE ARAINFOREST.

IT'S JUST HARD TOWELS ANDCURLY-HAIRED COVERED SOAP.

AND YOU THINK IT'S A BATH MAT.

IT'S JUST A BED OF MUSHROOMS.

WOMEN ARE CLEAN ANDSOFT AND SEXY.

WOMEN GET CLEAN WITH BODY WASH.

BODY WASH AND A LOOFA.

DING!

YOU CAN'T CLEAN A MAN WITH BODYWASH, A HORRIBLE MAN.

WE NEED A BIG BRICK OF SOAP,HOPEFULLY WITH PIECES OF ROCK

IN IT.

ALL MOLE-COVERED AND HAIRY,AND NOT EVEN HAIR LIKE A NICE

BEAR EITHER.

WE'RE LIKE A SICK BEAR FROMCHERNOBYL...

[laughter]ALL SPLOTCHY BALD SPOTS, LITTLE

TWIZZLERS POKING OUT OF YOURNIPPLES FOR NO REASON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOMEN LETUS CLIMB ALL OVER YOU.

I REALLY DON'T.

I WOULD BE A LESBIAN FOR SURE.

I HAVE A FRIEND, HE ONLY HASHAIR FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

UP HERE HE'S LIKE THE PILLSBURYDOUGHBOY.

DOWN HERE--HE'S LIKE HALF GOAT,HALF MAN,

WALKING ON THE BEACH.

"WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?""I DON'T KNOW, PAN.

THEY'RE PROBABLY FOLLOWING YOURHOOF MARKS DOWN TO THE

OCEAN'S EDGE.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT DOWN YOURFLUTE FOR A MINUTE?"

[imitates flute music]THAT'S WHAT I WANT MY DAUGHTERS

TO REALIZE: YOU'RE POWERFUL.

WOMEN HAVE ALL THE POWER.

THE ONLY TIME YOU GIVE UP YOURPOWER IS WHEN YOU TRY AND BE

PERFECT FOR MEN, WHICH IS CRAZY,'CAUSE MEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

TRUST ME.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH.

MEN ARE STARVING CREATURESCRAWLING ACROSS THE DESERT.

YOU ARE A 7-ELEVEN.

[laughter]I GUARANTEE WE WILL FIND

SOMETHING ON YOU WE ENJOY.

THE BOOBS, THE HANG-UP WITH THEBOOBS: "MINE ARE TOO BIG."

"MINE ARE TOO SMALL.

ONE GOES UP, ONE GOES DOWN."

[mumbling]THEY'RE BOOBS.

WE DON'T HAVE THEM.

YOU GOT 'EM.

WE LIKE 'EM.

[laughter]HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO CARRY

AROUND TESTICLES?

YOU THINK THAT'S A TREAT?

[laughter]AT LEAST YOUR BOOBS DON'T START

OFF LOOKING LIKE AN OLDMAN'S ELBOW.

AT LEAST WHEN YOU'RE LAYINGTHERE NAKED AND LOOK DOWN,

THEY'RE NOT JUST MOVING AROUNDON THEIR OWN.

RIGHT, FELLAS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'RE LAYING THERE, LOOK DOWN.

NOTHING'S MOVING.

FOR SOME REASON THE BOYS ARE,"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE WE GOING OUT TONIGHT?

I HAVEN'T HEARD."

AND WE'RE DUMB.

MEN ARE DUMB.

I'M DUMB.

I GOT LOST IN MY CAR THE OTHERNIGHT WITH MY GPS SYSTEM.

AND I REALIZE WHY.

AND THIS IS TOTALLY SEXIST ANDWRONG, SO I APOLOGIZE.

BUT IT'S A FEMALE VOICE ON THENAVIGATION SYSTEM.

I DON'T TRUST HER.

[laughter]I DON'T.

I LIKE HER.

I'M TURNED ON BY HER.

SHE HAS AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

SHE SAYS THINGS LIKE...

[English accent] "IN A 1/4 MILEEXIT THE MOTORWAY."

OH, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

BUT I'M GOING STRAIGHT.

[laughter]

Loading...