The Tip of the Zoidberg

  • Season 6, Ep 618
  • 08/18/2011

The crew uncovers a covert mission undertaken by the Professor and Dr. Zoidberg many years ago.

(men groaning)How bad is it, Doctor?

Super bad.

It's Tritonianhypermalaria.

A lot of these men willbe dead within 24 hours.

What?!

Not you, though.

You'll make a complete recovery

and go on to marry a supermodel!

(sighs)

Funny plague,hypermalaria.

It can kill immediately,or lie dormant for decades.

But sooner or later,it erupts,

causing fever,spasms, madness,

coma,and finally death.

What?!Supermodel!

Oh, those poor,doomed bastards.

I guess it's up to meto complete the mission.

(wind howling)

I'll be in the swamp, blowingthe smirk off a toxic yeti.

(cocks gun)

(shuddering)

Professor, we needto talk, man-to-mob.

(all clamoring)

We've had itwith Zoidberg!

We demand you fire him!

Nonsense.

Zoidberg's a fine physician,

for aliens.

Your mistake is being humans.

No, if I'm going to fire anyone,

it'll be Scruffy.

(all shouting)You can't do that!

Over my dead body!

Don't you getit, old man?

Thanks to Dr. Scissorhands,

I wet myself everytime I laugh.

(laughing)

It's not funny!

Well, I guessit is kind of funny.

(laughing)Uh-oh.

Why are you protectingZoidberg, Professor?

Do you owe himsomething?

Is he blackmailing yousomehow?

What does hehave on you?

Why have you kept himaround all these years

when he's so grosslyincompetent?

(sighs)

Long ago,Zoidberg and I

enteredinto a secret arrangement

relating to certainextraordinary events

too horrible to reveal.

So there's nothingto be curious about.

(rustling)

Stop, or I'll shoot!

Zoidberg?

You can't hunt a yetiby yourself, sir.

It's suicidal!

So what? I'm going to die

of hypermalaria, anyway.

I was in the same swampas the rest of the men.

Just because youwere in the swamp

doesn'tnecessarily mean...

I was thirstyfrom the flight.

I drank swamp water.

Oy, I lost another one.

(door opens)

Zoidberg, I'm sorryto break it to you this way,

but we hate you and we neverwant to see you again.

But friends...

We're not your friends!

We're your victims!

I was just trying to...

Shut up and giveme my kidney back!

(sniffles)I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.(sobbing)

We don't know why the Professorkeeps you around here,

and we don't care.You're a terrible doctor!

Nobody wantsto see you ever again!

Dr. Zoidberg!

I want to seeyou right now!

The time hascome, my friend.

We have to talk aboutour arrangement.

Oh, no. No, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

(yeti growling)

Unpaw him, you big ape!

I saw this in a Tarzan movie!

It was called...(grunts)

Tarzan Versus the Yetis.

(grunts)I lost my virginity

(grunts)... during the film,

so I'm (grunts)...

a little fuzzy on the details.

(yeti growling,Professor grunts)

(Professor shouting)

(Professor and yeti grunt)

John, are youall right?

You... You saved my life!

Oh, fuff.Yes, fuff.

How can I everrepay you?

Do you need a slave?

Or maybe a butler?

No, I haven't needed a butler

since grad school.

But I do need a doctor.

I don't want to dielike those Marines, John.

The fever, the madness.

Don't forget the spasms,coma and death.

Oh, I don't wantto go through that.

I want you to kill me.

All right. Giveme the knife.

Not now!

Hypermalariacan lie dormant for years.

Isn't that what you said?

It sounds like somethingI would say.

So stay with me untilthe symptoms start,

then put meout of my misery.

You must swear!

All right, Hubert, I swear.

It's started, Zoidberg--

the fever, the muscle spasms.

I'm dying.

(coughs)It's time for you

to keep your promiseand kill me.

This is very difficult,but I'll try,

friend.

(shrieks)

(choking)

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