Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch

  • Season 4, Ep 1
  • 01/12/2003

Amy's romance with Kif takes an unexpected twist when he becomes pregnant.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Whoa! Ah!

Shman! The great rad spot

is mega-sweetfor party-boarding!

Indeed.

Any calls while I was out?

Yeah.

You got a telesonic transmissionfrom Kif a couple hours ago.

( gasps )

My Kiffy called?

Kif?

Ooh, Amy, you're back!

Another hour and I would havethought about hanging up.

Why didn't you justleave a message, sweetie?

Well, um, I've lefthundreds of messages

with your answering machine,

but you... neverseem to get them.

Bender!

It's not my faultif you don't check me.

( babbling )

Messages erased.

Oh, dearest,this long-distance relationship

is too much to bear.

When even an inch separates us,I quiver with misery.

So you can imagine how I feelwhen it's a billion light-years.

( crying )

Kif, don't cry,or you'll get a tummy ache.

Lieutenant, somethings came off me

and clogged the drain,

so if you could...Oh-ho!

What's this?

( beep )

Well, well, well.

Do my eyes believe me,

or it that my bosomyswan, Leela?

Say again?You're breaking up.

Oh!

Good news, everyone!

You'll be deliveringpain medicine

to the Hive Mindof Nigel 7.

Scruffy's rolling outa large pill.

You're going to Nigel 7?

Kif's on patrol near there.

You could drop me offon the way.

We could, but we won't!

It's a spaceship, damn it,not a prom limousine.

Ooh! If anyone needs me,I'll be in the angry dome.

( grumbling and mumbling )

LEELA: This is a very long trip,

so we'll all have to gointo hibernative naptosis

to save oxygen.

Aw, I don't evenbreathe... oxygen.

( snoring )

Here I come, Kif.

( laughing )

( laughing )

They jumped right outof their pants.

( alarm sounds )

Oh, what now?

Activate glass window.

( gasps )

Kif, I'm sensing a very

sensual disturbancein the Force.

Prepare for ship-to-shipintimacy.

Yes, sir, Captain.

( snoring )

( loud clang )

( screeching )

( shrieks )

How about I help youfinish that dream

you were having about me?

Okay. I was justat this part.

( battle cry )

( groans )

Oh... eh... let's try that

a little lowerand a lot softer.

Imagine you stowing away

and stealinga licensed starship!

Oh, it's so romantic,it gives me the shivers!

( shivering )

I don't care howmuch trouble I get in.

I needed to feel mylips pressed againstyour lipless beak.

Oh, Amy, I can't stand havinga whole universe between us.

I've been thinkinga lot about this

and, well, would youmove in with me?

Here? But, uh...

wouldn't it be crowded?

Oh, no, no.

It's really twice the size.

You can use the floor,and I'll have the ceiling.

See?

( giggles )

Kif, you have so muchcreativity and niceness,

but I'm not sure if I...

Hush. Before you answer,come thither.

KIF:This is the Holo-Shed.

It can simulateanything you desire,

and nothing can hurt you,

except whenit malfunctions,

and the hologramsbecome real.

Well, that probablywon't happen this time.

I wanted to show you

what life could be likeif we were together.

Computer,run program "Kif One."

( whirring )

( gasps )

This is so beautiful!

Spirit!

Kif, that's the ponyI always wanted,

but my parents said

I had too manyponies already.

Yes, I programmed it infor you.

Four million lines of BASIC.

And-and if this isn'tthe life you want,

how about this?

Run program "Kif Two."

( whirring )

Oh, Kif!

We could live hereat the shore of theTranquilibrius Sea

in a time-share.

And I would pluckthe moon from the sky

just to see you smile.

( grunting )

Almost got it.

Seems to be sort of stuck.

( groaning )

I love you!

( gurgling )

Ooh!

( coughing )

Run program"Kif colon slash slash three."

( whirring )

( wind blowing )

AMY:This isn't bad.

My aunt had aplace like this.

Amy, we could live ina bus station bathroomfor all I care.

As long as we're together,it'll feel like a castle to me.

Kif, I'd love to livewith you... someday.

But, before then,there's still lots

I want to do on my own.

( creaking and static )

What was that?

Oh, dear.I fear the Holo-Shedmight be broken again.

Well, as long as we don'tcross paths with Attila the...

( Attila roars )

( Kif sighs )

AMY:Look... Spirit!

( loud, horrific neighing )

KIF:And there'sProfessor Moriarty.

Jack the Ripper.

Evil Lincoln.

( evil laughter )

Right-o, gents.

It's another simulationgone mad, so murder and mayhem.

Standard procedure.

( wild yelling )

Real holographic simulatedevil Lincoln is back!

( grunts )

( electrical crackling )

( gasps )

( alarm blaring )( Amy whimpering )

The Holo-Shed'son the fritz again.

The characters turned real!

Damn! The last timethat happened,

I got slappedwith three paternity suits.

( fierce neighing )

Oh, my God!I want Daddy!

Listen up, history'sgreatest villains.

Get back into the Holo-Shedbefore I start blasting.

Stop!

No shoot fire-stickin space canoe!

Cause explosive decompression!

Spare me your space-agetechnobabble, Attila the Hun.

( zapping )

( screaming )

( screaming )

Hey...!

Kif, hold on!

I totally want to!

( grunting and groaning )

( yells )

Grab on!

Over here!

Please hold me.Oh, dear.

Have a good one.

( screaming )

Ow! Oh...

( grunts and groans )

Aw, man!

Whew! After all that,I could use some relaxation.

I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

( whirring )

Well, except fora few broken bones,

some internalhemorrhaging,

and a partiallybarfed-up heart,

everyone appears fine.

ALL:Whew!

Oh, and Kif is pregnant.

( gasps )

( all gasping )

Oh, joy!

Amy, isn't it wonderful?

I'm pregnant.

Yes... it's great.

A great miracle.

And not one of thosebogus everyday miracles

like a sunrise.

Aren't you a male?

Yeah, what's the deal?

Just when I thought

I figured out youbiological creatures,

it's something else!

Let me at him!

I'm going to take...

( Bender grunting )

Look, I'm sure we're all

a little unclear onhow anyone gets pregnant.

So, Kif, pray explain,

and don't spare the dirty wordswhere appropriate.

Well, it's quitesimple, really.

When one of my species

experiences deepfeelings of love,

we enter a so-called"receptive state."

You disgust me. Go on.

At that point,

our skin becomesa semipermeable membrane

which allows the passageof genetic material.

I held Amy's hand,and voilĂ .

Well, okay, but that betterbe all there is.

Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother!

What a wondrousaffirmation of our love,

and all fromthe touch of your hand.

( giggling )

Dude, hold up.

Remember when Zappblew a hole in the ship?

Indeed.

FRY:Kif touchedeverybody there.

Couldn't any one of usbe the mother?

Hey, yeah!

I mean,what about that, Kif?

Well, I suppose I might havegotten pregnant that way,

or even from a toilet seat,

though that's impossiblesince I have a private washroom.

( toilet flushes )

Ah, my homeaway from home.

By the way, Kif,

your flush seems to be seton "stun" not "kill."

( nervous stuttering )

Look, Kif,I probably am the mother,

although maybe I'm not.

Of course, I hope I am

but, just in case I'm not,maybe we should have a test.

A test!

I demand a test!

Even I laughed at me

when I built this aliencross-species genetic analyzer,

but I guess I showed myself.

Subjects, pleaseenter the chamber.

Now to takea DNA sample.

( inhales deeply )

When I pull this switch,

the maternifuge will spinat 10,000 RPM,

separating out everyonewho isn't the mother...

father... whatever.

( all screaming )

Faster! Faster!

Good! Fry's ejectionindicates that he isnot the man-mama.

( grunting )

Nor is Captain Brannigan.

Oh, thank you,merciful God.

( grunts )

Zoidberg? What the hellwere you doing in there?

That's where I live.

I have no home.

( Amy screaming )

Amy? But that means...

( body thuds )

Leela must haveimpregnated me

when she grabbedmy ungloved hand.

That explains the posterin hygiene class--

"No glove, no love."

Wow, this is all so confusing.

Leela, how could you?

Our love has had to endureyour constant hatred,

and now this?

Stop testing our love!

Oh, please,Captain.

I thank Leela for the DNAshe gave me

but, in my species,

the true parent is the one

who inspired the initialfeeling of love.

We call that personthe smizmar,

and my smizmar is Amy.

So the toilet seat is likethe uncle or something?

Sorry I gotyour boyfriend pregnant.

That's okay.

At least Kif'sbaby showershould be fun.

I'd better put iton my calendar.

Thursday,baby shower.Enter.

Might as well planfor my new life while I'm at it.

Set motherhood mode.

To motherhood.

( chugging noises )

Mom, Dad, I knowthis is weird, but...

Yeah, yeah, we don't care howsquishy alien get pregnant.

All we care is thatwe have grandchild now.

You're very open-minded,Mrs. Wong.

Hey, you call her Grandma now.

Call me Grandma like crazy.

All the time.

Check it out, y'all.

Everyone we invited is here...

Also Zoidberg!

...so let's open the gifts!

( cheering )

We'll start withthis one from Bender.

It's my bootiesfrom when I was a kid.

Uh... they'realready bronzed.

They are bronze.

And this one's from Leela.

Oh, I just love the bow.

I wonder what it is.

Yes, I wonderwhat we got you.

( grunts )

It's a basket.

For picnics?

It means a lot to me.

It's the basketmy parents left me in

at the orphanarium.

You could use itfor picnics.

Here, Amy.

We get this onefor you.

Oh, is it a new party-board?

It's a board all right.

An ironing board.

We had your oldparty-board converted

now that you notbe partying anymore.

You-you trashedmy party-board?

Damn right.

Now you a mom,the only surfing you do

is under a big waveof responsibility.

Oh, this is the happiestmoment of my life.

You all broughtsuch wonderful gifts,

but the greatest gift...

Mine!

...is the bond

I share withmy smizmar, Amy,

for soon, the quiveringmass of life within me

will depend upon us both.

Even now, I can sense it

feeding, squirming,searching, questing,

and, shortly, it willrend my loins in twain,

burst forth and pull usdown, down, down

into the deep, darkwaters of commitment.

That's so beautiful.

( sniffling )

Yes, it's... it's...

( sobbing )

No, I can't do this!

(wailing)

( all gasping )

( infant-like crying )

Oh, how could Amy leave me?

When will women learnto take responsibility

for the childrenthey've helped create?

( gurgling )

The quickening!

My time is near!

I must returnto my homeworld

to perform the ancientbirthing rites.

Let me know how that turns out.

I must now embark ona perilous journey

to give birth inprecisely the same swamp

in which I was born.

If it's so dangerous,I'd better go with you.

A gal has to protect her DNA.

No, Leela.

Tradition demands that

I make this journeywith my smizmar,

and since Amy isn't here,I must go it alone.

Farewell, for we maynever meet again.

( grunts )

My scrapes feela little better now.

( grunting )

Hey, what's thisfat, ugly thing?

A frog, a toad,or yo' mama?

( laughing )

( muffled screaming )

It's a poisonous froad!

No one move.

( inhaling deeply )

( squeals )

I'm back, baby.

( bubbling )

Behold...

the sacred ancestralbirthing grounds of my family.

( sniffing )

Smells likea jockstrap.

I am the Grand Midwife!

Hi.

I am Kif,

of the clan Kroker,

come to bear my young.

Then let the teaof new life be brewed.

As it is writ,

"And both shall liftthe jug together."

Where is your smizmar?

She is not with me.

Oh, the sorrow!

Oh, the shame!

I'm sorry. I'm probably justmaking you feel worse.

As long as Amy is with mein my heart,

I will have the strength of two.

( strained grunting )

Apparently Amy hasn't beenworking out much lately.

As the tea boils,

please join handswith your beloved smizmar.

Oh, right.

Sorry, but I've memorizedthe ceremony by rote,

and it mentions her a lot.

I'll try to endure.

Good, 'cause I'm notchanging it.

Now turn, ye two,

and gaze deeply intoeach other's eyes.

What are you looking at?

May the love I sense

between you at this moment

remain with you boththrough all your days.

( sobbing )

The tea of new life is ready.

Let those whose lovecreated this life

speak each other's names,then drink.

( quietly ):Amy.

AMY:Kif!

( all gasping )

Amy, is it you orhave I gone crazywith loneliness?

Both!

( squeals )

I still don't knowif I'm ready for this,

but I do know I love you

and I want to be herebeside you.

Great, now I lost my place.

I'm starting over.

Oh, no time.

It is begun.

( pained moaning )

( squishing noises )

Ew.

Neat!

You can do it, Kif.

( moaning )

Ooh, nilly!

( groaning )

( liquid whoosh )

( gasping )

Oh, man!

Amy, my love, tell me--

are they making itto the water?

Amy!

Shoo!

Stay away from my babies!

The birthing is complete.

( cheering )

Oh, thank goodness.

I will nowtake my leave.

I live here, so I won't actuallybe going anywhere,

but you don'thave to talk to me anymore.

Congratulations!Nice work.

Way to go, squishy!

LEELA:There goes my DNA.

What a disgustingand beautiful process.

That's birth for you.

Well, we've given thema great start, Amy.

And, in 20 years,they'll sprout legs

and crawl back onto landas children.

I'll be ready then.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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