Mohr, Ferrara, Behrendt, Mastrangelo

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 05/19/2004

Jay Mohr explains why satin sheets aren't made for men, Adam Ferrara feels that Jewish people must have the most faith, and Greg Behrendt loves Halloween.

(Jake Johannsen)I HAVE AN IDEA FOR, AH,ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION?

CALIFORNIA, WE, AH,PASSED THESE LAWS

ABOUT ILLEGALIMMIGRATION, ALL THE TIME,

AND THEY'RE CONTROVERSIAL,AND HARD TO ENFORCE.

MY PLAN FOR ILLEGALIMMIGRATION, VERY SIMPLE.

BURNING RIVER OF GAS.

YES.

WITH THE WHOLE BORDERBURNING RIVER OF GAS,

AND, AH, I SAY WE DO CANADA,TOO, JUST TO BE FAIR.

UM... WE DO NOT NEED ALANTHICKE COMING DOWN HERE

WHENEVER HE WANTS.

UH, FIRST OF ALL,BURNING RIVER OF GAS,

THAT IS GONNA CREATE ALOT OF JOBS, YA KNOW,

IT'S A BIG PROJECT.

SECOND OF ALL,TOURIST ATTRACTION.

I WILL GO SEE THAT,WOULDN'T YOU?

BURNING RIVER OF GAS?

IT'S LIKE, "WHOA..."EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE

SOMEONE TRY TO RUNACROSS, "WAAAH!"

YA KNOW.

HAVE THE RANGERPUT HIM OUT,

THROW HIM BACKON THE OTHER SIDE.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

BUT MAYBE WE CAN EVER TURNIT OFF AND ON AT RANDOM

TO ENCOURAGEPEOPLE TO GO FOR IT.

AH, YOU'D BE OUT THERE,TAILGATIN' WITH YOUR FAMILY,

"YA GOT IT, YAGOT IT, YA GOT IT,

"WAA-AA-AA-AAAH.

BEST VACATION EVER."

(Mitch Hedberg)YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TORESTAURANT ON THE WEEKENDS

AND IT'S BUSY SO THEYSTART A WAITING LIST.

THEY START CALLINGOUT NAMES.

THEY SAY... "DUFRENE,PARTY OF TWO.

"TABLE READY FORDUFRENE, PARTY OF TWO."

AND IF NO ONE ANSWERS,THEY'LL SAY THE NAME AGAIN.

DUFRENE, PARTY OF TWO.

BUT THEN IF NO ONE ANSWERS,THEY GO RIGHT TO THE NEXT NAME.

BUSH, PARTY OF THREE.

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAPPENEDTO THE DUFRENES?

NO ONE SEEMS TOGIVE A (bleep).

WHO CAN EAT AT ATIME LIKE THIS?

PEOPLE ARE MISSING.

YOU (bleep) ARE SELFISH.

THE DUFRENE'S ARE INSOMEONE'S CAR RIGHT NOW,

WITH DUCT TAPEOVER THEIR MOUTHS,

AND THEY'RE HUNGRY.

THAT'S A DOUBLE WHAMMY.

BUSH, "SEARCH"PARTY OF THREE.

YOU CAN EAT ONCE YOUFIND THE DUFRENES.

(Jay Mohr)MY WIFE CAME HOMEWITH SATIN SHEETS,

AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IALMOST KILLED MYSELF.

THESE THINGS ARE LETHAL.

I WAS SO EXCITED TO HAVESEX IN SATIN SHEETS,

I'M RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSENAKED WITH A HARD (bleep)...

I DIVE INTO THEBED, I SLIDE ACROSS.

I WENT ACROSS THAT BED LIKEIT WAS AN AIR HOCKEY TABLE.

I-I DIDN'T EVENTHINK I TOUCHED IT.

I JUST KINDOF HOVERED, WOOOO!

(Jay Mohr)SATIN SHEETS ARE MADEFOR WOMEN, NOT MEN.

THAT'S WHY YOURWIFE BUYS 'EM.

YOU NEVER SEEA GUY LIKE...

GOT SATIN SHEETS.

WENT TO HOME DEPOT, BROUGHTHOME SOME SATIN SHEETS...

AND SOME FERTILIZER.

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKETHE SATIN SHEETS.

NO, THEY'REMADE FOR WOMEN.

MY WIFE GETS INTO SATINSHEETS SHE JUST DISTRIBUTES.

LIKE LIQUID MERCURY,SHE'S IN BED,

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"OKAY, COME ON..."

AND THEN IT'S MYTURN, THE GUY.

WE GOT WARTS, CALLUSES,BUNIONS, HAIR ON OUR CHEST,

MOLES, YOU GOT THATSCAR ON YOUR BALL BAG

WHERE YOU HAD THE VENEREALWART TAKEN OFF, RIGHT?

HYPOTHETICALLY.

I HAVEN'T CUT MYTOENAILS IN SIX MONTHS.

YOU KNOW WHEN ICUT MY TOENAILS?

WHEN SOMEBODY GOES...

"JES (bleep),WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR(bleep) TOENAILS?"

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWI HAD TOENAILS.

EVERY IMPERFECTIONYOU HAVE AS A MAN

MAKES A SOUND AS IT KNIFESTHROUGH THE SATIN SHEETS.

(screeching sound)

MATERIAL'S FLYINGALL OVER THE ROOM.

EVERY TIME I GET UP TOTHE BATHROOM IT'S LIKE

A (bleep) DAMN"THREE STOOGES" MOVIE.

(Greg Behrendt)I LOVE CANDY,

BUT I HAD TO QUIT TRICK-OR-TREATING LAST YEAR.

MOSTLY BECAUSE MYSILVER SURFER OUTFIT

WAS FREAKING PEOPLE OUT.

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ANEARLY 40-YEAR-OLD DUDE

IN A SILVER BIKINI BOTTOM

HOLDING AN IRONINGBOARD AND A GLAD BAG.

HOW YOU DOING?

TRICK OR TREAT!

BUT THE GOOD NEWS ISTHAT NOW I GET TO MANTHE DOOR AT MY HOUSE.

YOU COME TO MY HOUSE, I GOFULL SIZE, NOT FUN SIZE.

I HAVE TWO RULESWHEN YOU COME TO MYHOUSE ON HALLOWEEN.

WEAR A COSTUME 'CAUSEIF YOU MAN YOUR DOORAT YOUR OWN HOUSE,

YOU KNOW HOW MANYKIDS'LL ROLL UP--

14 YEARS OLD WITH NOCOSTUME AND AN ATTITUDE.

AND MY OTHERRULE, DON'T GRAB.

LET ME ASSESS YOU.

AND THEN DESIGN A CANDYSITUATION FOR YOU.

SO SPIDER-MAN COMESDOWN MY DRIVEWAY,

AND IT'S NOT LOOKINGGOOD FOR THIS KIDFROM THE GET-GO, MAN.

HE'S GOT HIS MASK OFF, HISSUIT'S KIND OF BAGGY,

HE'S CRYING.

HE'S WITH HISLITTLE SISTER.

AND SHE'S FANTASTIC, MAN.

HER COSTUME IS ROCKING.

AND SHE IS NOT GOINGTO BE ABLE TO LEAVEMY PORCH UNASSISTED.

THAT'S HOW MUCH CANDY SHE'SGOING TO GET, ALL RIGHT?

AND THE MOM EXPLAINSTO ME THAT THE REASONTHE DUDE IS CRYING

IS BECAUSE HISSISTER KEEPS RINGINGTHE DOORBELL

AND HE WANTS TO.

PICK YOUR BATTLES, BRO,PICK YOUR BATTLES!

AND AS I AM UNLOADINGCANDY ON HIS SWEET SISTER,

DUDE REACHES, YANKS THEBAG OUT OF MY HAND.

WHOA.

AND I CAN HEAR UNDERHIS BREATH, HE YELLS...

"GIMME, GIMME."

AND I SNAPPED.

AND I SAID, "WHOA, HANG ONTHERE CRYBABY SPIDER-MAN.

"I DON'T KNOW THATI'M FAMILIAR WITHCRYBABY SPIDER-MAN.

"I DON'T REMEMBER READINGANY OF HIS COMIC BOOKS.

"WHAT ARE HISSPECIAL POWERS,

"GETTING ME CAUGHTIN A WEB OF TEARS?

'CAUSE DADDY AIN'T BUYING."

AND I REALIZED I HAD TWOOPTIONS AT THAT POINT.

I HAVE ANOTHER BAG CALLEDTHE PUNISHMENT BAG,

OR I COULD BE ASUPERBRO, SLIP BACK ONTHE SILVER SURFER COSTUME,

TAKE THE DUDE OUT,AND SHOW HIM HOW TOGET THIS THING RIGHT.

SO I ASKED HIS MOM, SHESAYS IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I SLIPPED BACK ON THESILVER SURFER COSTUME, MAN.

I AIN'T-IT'S A YEARLATER THAN I SHOULD'VEBEEN WEARING IT, MAN.

I AIN'T GOT ABS FORTHAT, BUT I DID IT.

AND I TOOK DUDEFOR A WALK.

WE DID A COUPLE BLOCKSTOGETHER AND IT WAS FINE

UNTIL THE MOTHER (bleep)KEPT RINGING THE DOORBELL.

I LIKE TO RINGTHE DOORBELL!

(Adam Ferrara)IF YOU LOOK AT A GROUP OFPEOPLE THAT HAD FAITH,

IT'S GOTTA BE THE JEWS.

THEY FOLLOWED MOSES THROUGHTHE DESERT FOR 40 YEARS,

WITH NO MAP.

THERE HAD TO BE ONE GUYIN THE BACK LIKE...

HEY, I DON'T THINK HEKNOWS WHERE HE'S GOING.

40 YEARS, WHADDAYOU KIDDING ME?

I VAS 10 VHEN VESTARTED THIS TRIP.

THAT FOOTPRINT,MINE, 15 YEARS AGO.

CIRCLES.

WE'RE WALKING IN CIRCLES!

DON'T SHUSH ME, SHEILA,ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IFHE HEARS ME OR NOT.

YOU'RE LOST, MOSES,YOU COCKEYED BASTARD!

I SAID IT, MANNYDWARKIN, ROW 89.

GET THE BAGS,WE'LL OPEN A DELI.

THIS IS BULL(bleep)!

(Mike Birbiglia)ONE DAY MY GIRLFRIENDCALLED ME FROM WORK.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU GOTTA TAKETONY..." THAT'S HER CAT,

"TO THE VET 'CAUSE HE'S GOTA URINARY TRACT INFECTION."

SO I TOOK HIM IN.

THEY GIVE ME THISQUESTIONNAIREABOUT THE CAT

AND I DIDN'T KNOWANY OF THE ANSWERS.

I GOT, LIKE, TWORIGHT, CAT AND MALE.

IT SAID, "DESCRIBE THEREASON YOU ARE HERE TODAY,"

AND I WROTE, "MYGIRLFRIEND IS AT WORK."

AND I THINK THE CATSWERE GAY 'CAUSE THEY WERE

ALWAYS LICKING EACH OTHERAND SPOONING IN THE WINDOW

AND CRITICIZINGTHE WAY I DRESS.

I DON'T THINK IT'SA BIOLOGICAL THING,

LIKE THEY'RE GAY BY BIRTH.

I THINK IT'S ANENVIRONMENT THING,

LIKE, THEY'RE PRISON GAY.

LIKE, THEY DON'T SEEANY FEMALE CATS EVER

AND AFTER A WHILE,IT'S JUST LIKE...

LOOK, TONY, WE AIN'TGETTING ANY YOUNGER, BUDDY.

THIS MIGHT BE THECATNIP TALKING,

BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOURBELLY MATCHES YOUR PAWS.

(Bill Burr)NO, I'M NOT,LIKE, ANTI-WOMAN.

I'M PROBABLY COMINGOFF AS THAT, I'M NOT.

I THINK THAT WAS AGREAT THING FOR Y'ALL.

THEY KEEP SAYING THEY WANNABE TREATED JUST LIKE GUYS,

THEY DON'T!

THEY ONLY WANTTHE GOOD (bleep).

SAME AMOUNT AN HOUR,WE'LL TAKE THAT.

PAY FOR THE MOVIE?

(bleep) THAT, YOUCAN KEEP THAT.

THIS IS GOOD, THAT SUCKS.

YOU CAN'T CHOOSE!

WHY DOES THE GUYMAKE MORE AN HOUR

TO DO THE EXACT SAME JOB?

I GO, I'LL TELL YOU WHY...

BECAUSE IN THE UNLIKELYEVENT THAT WE'RE BOTH

ON A TITANIC ANDIT STARTS TO SINK,

FOR SOME REASON YOU GETTO LEAVE WITH THE KIDSAND I HAVE TO STAY.

THAT'S WHY I GET THEDOLLAR MORE AN HOUR.

IF THERE'S A HOUSEFIRE, IT'S ALWAYS WOMENAND CHILDREN FIRST.

I GOTTA STANDTHERE WITH, LIKE,

THE BACK OF MY SHIRTON FIRE GOING...

"LET'S GO, LET'SGO, LET'S GO!"

UNTIL WOMEN STARTDYING IN SOME (bleep),

I GET $8.10 AN HOUR,YOU GET $7.10.

I GET $8.10 AN HOUR,YOU GET $7.10.

I'M STILL PAYINGFOR THE MOVIE.

WHAT, A MOVIE'S10 BUCKS!

SO THAT'S ALL OF MONDAY,THAT'S TWO HOURS OF TUESDAY,

AND THEN I GOTTA BUY YOU,LIKE, A COKE AND A POPCORN,

NOW WE'RE THROUGH WEDNESDAY.

THEN I GOTTA TAKEYOU TO A FUDRUCKER'S

OR SOME (bleep)LIKE THAT,

THAT'S A WHOLEWEEK'S PAY.

WOMEN ARE BRILLIANT.

THEY'RE GENIUSES, THEYHAVE THE ABILITY,

THEY CAN PLAY BOTHSIDES OF THE FENCE.

GUYS GET PLAYED, THEYGET PLAYED ALL THE TIME

AND DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME... WATCHA BEAUTIFUL SINGLE WOMAN

MOVE OUT OF AN APARTMENT.

THERE'LL BE, LIKE, FIVEGUYS, ALL MOVING (bleep),

THINKING THEY'REALL GONNA GET LAID.

NONE OF 'EM GET LAID.

THE ONLY GUY WHO'SGONNA GET LAID

IS THE GUY WHO TOLD HERTO GO (bleep) HERSELF.

NOW HE'S INTERESTING, ANDALL THESE OTHER GUYS...

LOOK AT THE BOXI'M PICKING UP,

LOOK HOW HEAVY THIS IS.

AND THE OTHER GUYGETS ALL LIKE...

OH, (bleep), HE'S GOTTHE INSIDE TRACK...

HE'S GOT, LIKE, AREFRIGERATOR ON HIS BACK.

LOOK AT THIS.

YOU SHOULD MATE WITH ME.