Ben Kronberg

  • Season 2, Ep 14
  • 06/14/2013

Ben Kronberg rethinks fart names and wonders what kind of McDonald's sandwich his dad would be.

True story. Um.When I was younger,

Larry would give me moneyall the time.

He actually gave all the kidsin the neighborhood money.

Yeah, he wasa pedophilanthropist.

You have to know whattwo words are to get that joke.

Chances are,you probably know the worst one.

I'm sorry.

For this next joke,I have step-parents.

I don't liketo call my stepdad my stepdad.

I like to call himmy faux pa.

It's true.

My grandpa has Alzheimer's,

so I bought him a memory foampillow for his birthday.

It remembers betterthan he does.

It remembers my birthday.

Have you ever gotteninto a pillow fight

with a memory foam pillow?

You'd remember.

That's one pillow fightyou'll never forget.

Ever.

Do you guys liketo text message?

(crowd whoops, murmurs)

I don't like to text,

but I will occasionallycall my friend,

say four words,then hang up.

Sometimes he'll call back,say "LOL," and then hang up.

Sometimes he tells methat he's smiling.

For some reason.

I don't like to call them farts.

I don't know about you guys.

I like to call them food ghosts.

'Cause then,instead of smelling a fart,

you're, like, solving a mystery.

"Dude, what was that?"

"That was the Ghostof Pepperoni Past."

Isn't hit-and-runkind of like

the adult versionof hide-and-seek?

(singsong):You can't catch me.

Is it me,or do people who wear Crocs

kind of look like clownsnot ready to fully commit?

It's kind of likea clown starter kit.

For non-clowns.

Do you guys likepower statements?

Well, for those of you who don'tknow what a power statement is,

'cause I made it up, um...

Those of you nodding were lying.

You don't know what they are.

Um... a power statementis a statement

that's both fact and opinionin one.

For instance,

same sex marriagesare totally gay.

Both fact... and opinion.

Or... it takes ballsto be a transvestite.

(clears throat)

Fact and opinion.

Or my favorite:

lube is for (bleep).

It's true.

It's so true.

Sometimes butts.

If comedy doesn't work out,

which, eventually,it always doesn't,

um-- eventually-- uh,

I want to open upa low-carb Chinese restaurant.

And I'm gonna call it"No More Mr. Rice Guy."

No more. No more.

Have you ever...have you ever closed your eyes

and trusted a number?

Have you ever done that?

It's always a different number,isn't it?

Even if it's a-a miracle--the zero wipe, the no wipe...

There's actually no such thingas a no wipe.

It's a paradox.

'Cause you need to wipeat least once

to know you didn't needto wipe at all.

Unless you mean to tell methat you've been so confident

with your pooping ability

and your sense of down there

that you knew you weren'tgonna have to wipe.

So you just pulled up your pantsand got on with your day.

Do you mean to tell me that,you poopy-smelling person?

Is that what you mean?

It's like,"I can't believe my eyes.

Wait, that's blood."

I'm the only one who's ever...

Maybe I am.

That would be cool.

(chuckles)Maybe that...

That would be cool.

If White Castlewas a real castle,

I bet the moatwould be made out of diarrhea.

I can do all poop jokesif you want.

You're tentative responsetells me

to keep doing poop jokes.

So I will.

I wrote this next jokewhile swimming.

When you get a boner underwater,

it's called a "chubmarine."

And if you're Asian and you geta boner underwater,

it's calleda "yellow chubmarine."

And I can say that'cause I'm racist.

It's what gives me the right.

What gives you the rightto laugh at it?

When little girls weartoo much makeup,

it's called "whoreshadowing."

You can't handle the truth.

Some take-home jokes, I guess...

for you guys to rememberthese ones,

you can rememberand tell people.

How many, uh, how many Vietnamvets does it take to screw in...

Everybody down!

That joke kills at the VFW.

Literally.

What's the difference betweena pizza and a Jew?

A pizza doesn't get offendedwhen you tell this joke.

It's true.

I like my coffeelike I like my slaves.

Free.

So, this next thing

is just a thing.

So, uh, you know,

I can't name all the girlsthat I've had sex with,

but I can name all the guys

my girlfriend's told meshe's had sex with.

Why is that?

Why can I remember those names?

(electronic musical tonesplaying)

Why can I remember those names?

Tell me.

Committing suicide...

is less noble...

than getting killed.

(electronic musical tonescontinue)

But quitting your job ismore noble than getting fired.

Why is that?

Why?

Tell me.

Tell me.

It's too loud.

Horror movies are morerespectable than pornos, right?

Like, in the movie world.

But in real life, it's opposite.

(bleep) is way more respectablethan killing is what I'm saying.

Like, if you had a kid,you'd probably much rather have

your kid walk in on youwatching a horror movie

than a porno, right?

But conversely, you'd probablymuch rather have your kid

walk in on you (bleep) your wifethan killing your wife.

Why is that?

Why is that?

(electronic musical tonescontinue)

You know how you can watchpoop come out of a dog's butt...

...but you wouldn't watch poopcome out of a human's butt...

if you could help it?

But you wouldn't licka dog's butt,

but you would licka human's butt.

Why is that?

Why?

Why?

Food in your mouth is okay.

A penis in your mouth is okay.

A penis in your butt is okay.

But food in your butt,that's not okay.

Why can't I put foodin my butt?

Tell me, Papa, why?

(cheering)

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