Emily Heller

  • Season 5, Ep 9
  • 09/23/2016

Emily Heller does some spot-on impressions, reveals the most annoying thing about her own brain and explains why she's happy being single.

Which is, uh,

offensive, unfair, untrue.

I was not a nerd.

Nerds had...

other nerds to playDungeons & Dragons with.

People to hang out with.

I was a spazzy weirdo.

We're our own thing.

Kind of the bad boysof the general loser community.

All of the alienation,none of the brains.

I couldn't find anyonethat was into the stuff

I was into as a kid.

I'll give you an example.

When I was 11,

my dad made me scrambled eggsfor breakfast one morning,

and I said, "This is amazing,what's in this?"

And he said, "Oregano."

So naturally,I took a small tub of oregano

and I taped a string to it,

and I wore it as a necklace...

every day...

to school...

for three months.

And because I'm fromSan Francisco,

my parents just...

let me do that.

They were just like,"Go on out into the world.

"Be free, follow your heart.

Who are we to stop you?"

Who are you to stop me?

You're actuallythe only people who can.

It's kind of part of your job,right?

Just to give me a once-overbefore I leave the house,

make sure there's no trashdangling from my body.

You're dropping the ball.

Here's the thing, though,

I am a woman,thank you for noticing.

And sometimes in hip-hop,

they talk about uslike we can't hear them.

I don't knowif you've noticed that.

It's like,"Oof, that was rude.

You know you're inthe booth right now?"

But I don't wantto stop listening

'cause it's good music,so here's what I've been doing,

I have just been pretending

they're talkingabout something else.

I just willfully misconstruethe lyrics.

Like, when Juvenile's like,

"Girl, you look good, why don'tyou back that thing up?"

I'm like, "He's probably talkingabout her hard drive, right?

"She should back that up,

"she's got a lot of importantwork files on there.

"He doesn't want herto lose them

"because he caresabout her career.

"That's not juvenile at all.

That's very mature."


When Snoop's like,"Bitches ain't shit,"

I'm like, "You're right,they're not shit,

"they're valuable membersof society.

"I am gonna takethat double negative,

turn it into a double positive.Thank you very much."

"I've got hoesin different area codes."

"My gardening businessis taking off.

"We are expanding.

Multiple counties."