Bomb Squad

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 06/21/1999

Two procrastinating bomb squad officers seize an illegal dildo bong from Bong Boy, and the Wu-Tang Clan invades the UCB headquarters.

I think I'll call 'emto clean up my garage.

Now, it's pretty messy.You think you can handle it?

No problem.

First off, we get paid$10 an hour,

and we don't payfor cleaning supplies.

But if you give me $20 now,

we'll go out,get some supplies,

and then we can get started.

Here you go, son.

And good luckwith this mess.


I think we can get a first passdone at it right now.

Seamus, let's get to work.

Amen, Sean.


Hey, you guys didn't doa damn thing.




Bomb squad.

Mr. Mullen,I have to admit

I was a little skepticalat first

about workingwith a psychic.

I understand your skepticism.

I'll need somethingthat was left behind

at the sceneof the crime.

Well, we foundthis ski mask.

It was dropped outsidethe jewelry store.

I see a car.

I see a bag.

It's filledwith something shiny.

The-- the jewels.Yes.

I see the driver of the car.She's a woman.

She has enormous breasts.

They almost touchthe steering wheel.

When she makes a sharp turn,they sort of lag behind,

and then swing backin front of her.

Can you see the makeof the car?

Oh, wait, wait, I'mgetting another image.

She's in a room.

The bag of jewels ison a chair.

There's water running.

She's reaching behindher back to, what?

To unfasten her bra.

Her breasts fall outof the bra and sort of bob

and swing back and forthuntil they finally settle.

It's cold in the room.

Can you tell me the addressof the house?

Wait, wait.

This could bethe most important part.

The jewels are on a tile floor.

She's taking a shower.

She lifts up her left breastwith her left hand

and washes underneath it.

The breast slips from her handand slaps against her ribcage--

Okay, let's stop.What is it?

I need informationon the jewels, Mr. Mullen.

All you've been talking aboutis this woman's huge rack.

I can only describewhat I see,

but I think we'revery close, please.

All right, fine.

I see the woman again.

Of course you do.

She's running.

Oh, she's runningdown the street

in a tight tee shirt.

It's wet with sweat,she has no bra on--

What about the jewels,Mr. Mullen?

Oh, yes, I see the jewels.Oh, thank God.

Wait, I don't see them.

I see them... I don't see them.I see them!

What's the problem,Mr. Mullen?

Every timeher breasts bounce,

they get in the wayof my view of the jewelry.

All right, you know what?You've wasted enough of my time.

But wait... I can seethe jewels clearly.

They're in plain view.

Great-- what is she doingwith the jewels?

She's holding themagainst her breasts.

All right, you know what?You can get out of here.What?

Why would the woman beholding the jewels

up against her breasts?

Because when her breastsbounce, they hurt.

She has to stabilize them,and it so happens

the jewels arein her hands.

Oh, beat it, you pervert!

I'm telling you,I'm worried.

Excuse me.Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't think so.

You don't do crack cocaineby any chance, do you?

I used to, yes, why?

I used to deal crack cocaine.

That's probably whereI know you from.

I remember.

You once laid in a puddleof your own urine, shaking,

and begged me to kill youbecause you didn't have

any money to buy crack.

Are you sure it was my urine?

I distinctly remember lying in apuddle of someone else's urine,

begging to be killed.

You fellated mefor crack cocaine.

Well, I've allowed myselfto be sodomized several times

for crack, but I've neverfellated a man for it.

Well, if you arethe person I'm thinking of,

the last time I saw you,you offered

to sell me your girlfriendfor some crack.

Well, that definitelysounds like me,

but I did thatall over town.

Perhaps I just don'tremember your face.

If you are the gentlemanI am thinking of,

you specifically said,

"Come on, brother, I'll sell youmy bitch for three rocks."

Oh, no.

I always call my bitches"ho-mas."

Terribly sorry.

Must have you confusedwith someone else.

Quite all right.

Excuse me.Perhaps you'd like

to take a pop on my ho-mafor a double martini?

Why, yes, I would.