Wednesday, October 7, 2015

  • 10/07/2015

Ethan Embry, Eli Roth and Brandon Johnson find ways to #MakeBaseballExciting, hit on a female blanket octopus and guess what's on Vladimir Putin's Amazon Wish List.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: GUYS WE CAN FINDLY END

OUR BRUNCH HUNGER STRIKE.

BECAUSE #THENIPPLE MAY SOON BEFREE.

INSTAGRAM'S CO-FOUDNER SAID THECOMPANY HAS DISCUSSED MAKING AN

R-RATED VERSION OFINSTAGRAM, AKA SNAPCHAT.

HE DID AFFIRM THAT INSTAGRAM IS"NOT IN THE BUSINESS OF HOSTING

PORN," SO IF YOU WANT TOMASTURBATE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOOK ATKYLIE JENNER'S

PHOTOS OR WATCH ELI ROTH'S KEANUREEVES MOVIE. EITHER WAY.

COMEDIANS, IF INSTAGRAMMAKES THESE CHANGES,

WHAT ARE SOME NEW R-RATEDFILTERS THEY CAN USE?

BRANDON JOHNSON.>> VINTAGE CAMEL TOE.

[LAUGHING][ APPLAUSE ]

>> REALLY GETS UP IN THERE.

Chris: ELI ROTH.

>> YOU CAN HAVE CYRUS, SPEARS ORHILTON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NICE.

>> SHAVES EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ETHAN EMBRY.

>> I'M ACTUALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN GET THE

MATRIX-STYLE [BEEP] SHOTS.

WHERE YOU -- AND THEN THE 360.

>> Chris: YES, THE BULLET-TIME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'D BE SO GREAT.

MOVING ON. NASA JUSTRELEASED A HUGE COLLECTION OF

PHOTOS FROM THE APOLLOMOON MISSIONS, AND IT'S IN A

FLICKR ALBUM CALLED "THE PROJECTAPOLLO ARCHIVE."

IT HAS THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS LIKETHIS ONE OF NEIL ARMSTRONG,

FIRST MAN TO WALK ON THE MOON,AND THIS ONE, THE FIRST

YUGOSLAVIAN PORNOGRAPHER TO JERKOFF IN SPACE.

"I WISH MY [BLEEP] COULD HAVEBULLET-TIME SHOT.

SOME DAY TECHNOLOGY, YOU WILLREACH ME."

NOW LUNAR MISSION ONE ISASKING REDDIT TO DECIDE WHAT

PHOTO THEY SHOULD BRING TO THEMOON ON THEIR 2017 MISSION.

AND BECAUSE IT'S REDDIT, THIS ISLEGITIMATELY ONE OF THE

TOP CONTENDERS: DICKBUTT.

>> WHY WOULD THEY GO TO REDDITFOR THAT?

THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

Chris: LISTEN, I DON'T MEANTO SOUND LIKE A OLD GRANDPA HERE

BUT 45 YEARS AGO THESE AMERICANHEROES RISKED THEIR LIVES TO GO

TO THE MOON TO UNITE THISCOUNTRY, AND NOW YOU

NIHILISTIC REDDIT USERS WANT TOSLAP A DICKBUTT ON THE

LUNAR SURFACE? ACTUALLY THAT'S APRETTY FUNNY IDEA.

I THINK I HAVE TO SIDEWITH THE INTERNET ON THIS ONE.

DICKBUTT ON THE MOON IN 2017.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: SO COMEDIANS WHAT IS

REDDIT'S NEXT CONTRIBUTION TOTHE SPACE PROGRAM?

>> BLACK HOLES MATTER.

[LAUGHING][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: POINTS, ETHAN EMERY.

BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> I HAVE BEEN IN A FEW MYSELF.

[LAUGHING][ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVEPLACED YOUR MATTER IN A FEW?

>> I WOULD, AND IT'S TRUE.

THEY SUCK EVERYTHING IN.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR"HASHTAG WARS."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: THE BASEBALLPLAYOFFS STARTED LAST NIGHT,

AND THE HOUSTON ASTROS BEAT THEYANKEES PROVING THAT

THE WORLD IS NOT ALL EVIL ANDPAIN. HISTORY WAS ALSO MADE

LAST NIGHT AS JESSICA MENDOZABECAME THE FIRST WOMAN TO

CALL A NATIONALLY TELEVISED MLBPLAYOFF GAME.

CUE THE BACKLASH.

HE'S NOT EVEN CENTERED. EVEN THECAMERA WAS TRYING TO AVOID HIS

FACE.BUT I DO HAVE TO GIVE PROPS TO

THE MLB FOR BEING PROGRESSIVEAND TRYING NEW THINGS.

CLEARLY OUR NATIONAL PASTTIMECOULD USE A LITTLE SPICING UP.

SO COMEDIANS, LET'S BRAINSTORMHOW TO MAKE THE SPORT A

LITTLE SPORTIER WITH TONIGHT'SHASHTAG: #MAKEBASEBALLEXCITING.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: ELECTRIFIEDURINAL TROUGHS

OR MASCOTS HUNTED FOR SPORT.

OR LOSING TEAM EXECUTED. LET'SPUT THE STAKES AS HIGH AS THEY

CAN POSSIBLY BE, RIGHT?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

AND BEGIN.

BRANDON.

>> THE DRUNKEST FAN GETS TO BEAN UMPIRE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ETHAN EMBRY.

>> THE KISS CAM IS NOW THE[BEEP] CAM.

IT'S JUST COUPLES [BEEP]ING.>> Chris: POINTS.

BRANDON.

>> ALL THE WHITE POWDER ON THEFIELD IS NOW COCAINE.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD.

ELI.

>> GETTING TO THIRD BASE MEANSYOU CAN FINGER THE THIRD

BASEMAN.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ELI.

>> RELEASING ACTUAL BULLS FROMTHE BULLPEN.

>> Chris: SO GOOD.

POINTS.

ETHAN.

>> INSTEAD OF THE GUY THROWINGPEANUTS HE'S CHUCKING BAGS OF

BLACK TAR HEROIN AT PEOPLE.

>> Chris: POINTS. HEY, HEROINGUY.

>> TIN FOILS, NEEDLES, HEROIN.

HEY!

>> Chris: PERFECT.

BRANDON.

>> BEFORE THE COMMENTERS CANANNOUNCE ANY PLAY THEY HAVE TO

GO "OOOH, GIRL"[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY @MIDNIGHTNEON SIGN FUN, FOR KICKS.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I GREATLYENJOY, IT'S THE TREASURE TROVE

OF NEON SIGN FAILS YOU CAN FINDONLINE. BUT WHAT IF THEY'RE NOT

FAILS? DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUTTHAT? WELL MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,

THERE'S A COLLECTION OF SOME OFTHE BOLDEST, MOST CREATIVE NEW

SMALL BUSINESSES OUT THERE.SO COMEDIANS,

LET'S LOOK AT THESE EXCITING NEWBUSINESSES TOGETHER.

FIRST UP, LET'S GET A DRINK ATTHE COCK LOUNGE.

>> MY FAVORITE PLACE TO CHUG ONEDOWN.

>> Chris: THIS IS FOR THAT GUYWHO WON'T WATCH A WOMAN

BROADCAST ON THE MLB.

>> OR FOR A GUY THAT LIKESDRINKING COCK.

>> WHERE EVERY DRINK COMES WITHA HAIR IN IT.

>> Chris: AT LEAST EVERY DRINKCOMES.

[ APPLAUSE ]COME ON, GUYS.

YOU KNOW --WE HAVE FUN.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU SAYIS POSTED ON THE DOOR OF THE

COCK LOUNGE?ELI ROTH.

>> NO FORESKIN REQUIRED.POINTS.

Chris: BRANDON.

>> DELIVERIES IN REAR.

Chris: ETHAN EMBRY.

>> EVERY NIGHT IS JOHN MAYERNIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

NEXT ONE, LET'S GO TO THE FAT &EASY.

WHAT IS THE SLOGAN AT FAT &EASY? ETHAN.

>> IT'S ALSO KNOWN AS CRAIGSLISTCASUAL ENCOUNTERS.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

ELI.

>> FORMALLY KNOWN AS KOURTNEY &KIM'S.

>> Chris: NO.

>> I SAID IT.

>> Chris: IT COULD BE ANYCOURTNEY & KIM, GUYS.

>> YOU GUYS WERE INSINUATING.

Chris: FOR ONLY 59 BUCKS YOU TOOCOULD HAVE JACUZZIS POO.

WHAT IS THE SPECIAL PROMOTIONFOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

BRANDON.

>> TWO IN THE STINK EYE, ONE INTHE PINK EYE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

>> SUP TARGET.

[LAUGHING]>> WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON, HUH?

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOUMAY OVERHEAR ON THE IN-STORE PA

FOR SUP TARGET?

>> TO THE CUSTOMER SMOKING WEEDIN THE MEN'S ROOM, YA'LL BETTER

SHARE THAT [BEEP].

>> Chris: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

>> NUT DIP.

[LAUGHING]>> SUP TARGET.

Chris: WHAT'S THE MOSTPOPULAR MENU ITEM AT NUT DIP?

ETHAN EMBRY.>> YOUR MOM.

Chris: YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> HOLD MY NUT DIP, BY THE WAY.

BEFORE THE BREAK I ASKED YOU FORA PICK UP LINE FOR A TINY MALE

BLANKET OCTOPUS TO USE ON AFEMALE.

LET'S SEE WHAT KIND OF HEATYOU'RE PACKING. BRANDON JOHNSON.

>> SUP GIRL, IT'S 12-ICLES.

YOU KNOW I'M THE OCTOPUS THATFREED THOSE ORCAS FROM

SEA WORLD, RIGHT? PLUS I GOTFOUR PAIRS OF JIMMY CHOOS.

>> Chris: ETHAN EMBRY.

>> I'M USE TO OVER COMPENSATING.

THIS IS OUT OF MY OWN PERSONALLIBRARY.

>> HEY BABY I CAN'T WAIT TO GETALL UP INSIDE YOUR OCTOPUSSY.

I'M GOING TO CLOSE YOUR LAVIALCURTAINS AROUND ME, SWEETHEART.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO CREEPY.

>> WORKS FOR ME.

[ APPLAUSE ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: WHAT OCTOPUS WOULDN'TINK HERSELF AT THE CHANCE?

ELI ROTH.

>> GIRL, IT AIN'T THE SIZE OFTHE BOAT, IT'S THE MOTION OF

THE--OH MY GOD I'M STUCK INSIDEOF A VAGINA, AND IT SMELLS LIKE

HUMAN.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,

AMAZON WISH LIST: VLADIMIRPUTIN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I KNOW THAT SPECIAL

ZAZZ YOU FEEL IN THE AIR IS THATYOU'RE ALL AWARE

IT'S VLADIMIRPUTIN'S BIRTHDAY TODAY.

>> TODAY?

Chris: YES, TODAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.Chris: YES, HERE'S RUSSIA'S

CUDDLEIEST DESPOT RIGHT HEREBEFORE HE STRANGLED THE PRIME

MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA.

>> WHAT DO YOU GET FOR THEHOMOPHOBIC VODKA-FILLED MELON

MAN WHO HAS IT ALL?

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO GIVE ME SOME OF THE

ITEMS ON PUTIN'S AMAZON WISHLIST IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> SYRIA.

>> CROTCHLESS WRESTLINGSINGLETS. YES, POINTS.

>> A REAL DOLL OF ANGELA MIRCLE.

>> "ENTOURAGE" BOXSET.

>> A REAL GAYDAR.

>> A WEDDING DRESS FOR HISHORSE.

>> HOT WHEELS.

>> ELI.

>> A SADDLE FOR HIS BEAR.

Chris: POINTS.

YES.

I'M TIRED OF RIDING BAREBACK.

IT WORKS TWO WAYS.

>> OH.

>> TWO PUNS FOR THE PRICE OF ONEPUN.