CC Presents: Lenny Clarke

  • 05/19/2002

AND WELCOME TO MY HOTEL.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

DID YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY?

AUDIENCE>> YEAH!

LENNY CLARKE>> YEAH, MY DAY

SUCKED, TOO.

IT'S OKAY.

I'M NOT LIKE SOME OF THESE GUYS

WHO ARE LIKE, "HI, HELLO,

HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT A GOOD-LOOKING CROWD YOU

ARE.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

TODAY."

NOTHING FUNNY HAPPENED TO ME

TODAY.

I'M LYING IN BED ABOUT 7 O'CLOCK

THIS MORNING.

I GET IN AROUND 6:55, SO I'M

FIGHTING FOR SLEEP.

(LAUGHTER)

GIRLFRIEND COMES BOUNCING IN THE

BED SAYS, "COME ON, IT'S NICE

OUT.

LET'S GO OUT AND PLAY."

BECAUSE SHE LIKES THAT.

SHE'S YOUNG.

SHE'S 15.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

BUT I SAID, "HONEY"...

YOU EVER GET UP IN THE MORNING,

LOOK AT YOURSELF NUDE IN THE

MIRROR AND JUST SAY, "SCREW THE

DIET.

HOW FAT COULD I POSSIBLY GET?"

(LAUGHTER)

600, 700, 800 POUNDS?

NOT A LOT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE

800 POUNDS.

YOU CAN'T MINGLE IN WITH THE

CROWD.

HELL, 800 POUNDS, YOU ARE THE

CROWD.

AND IT'S TOUGH WHEN YOU GAIN

WEIGHT AND YOU GET OLDER YOU

BUMP INTO PEOPLE YOU HAVEN'T

SEEN IN 20 YEARS.

YOU'RE FEELING GOOD ABOUT

YOURSELF.

YOU'RE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

YOU SEE SOMEONE FROM HIGH

HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY GO, "WOW, DID YOU GET FAT!"

"YEAH, THANKS A LOT MAGGOT.

HOW'S YOUR UGLY SISTER?"

YOU DON'T NEED PEOPLE TO TELL

YOU YOU'RE FAT.

YOU PRETTY MUCH KNOW THAT.

LITTLE THINGS START TO CHANGE

IN YOUR LIFE.

LIKE YOUR SOCKS START TO GET

TIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

OR YOU'RE LYING IN BED, AND YOU

FEEL SOMETHING MOVE AND THEN YOU

REALIZE, "OH, MAN, I'M ALONE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND PEOPLE, PEOPLE DON'T CARE.

THEY KNOW YOU'RE FAT.

THEY WANT TO RUB IT IN.

THEY GO, "OH, YOU REALLY GAINED

WEIGHT.

THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOUR

HEALTH."

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY HEALTH.

YOU'RE JUST HAPPY YOU'RE

SKINNIER THEN I AM

THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUT.

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO TAKE A

PICTURE.

"TAKE A PICTURE.

TAKE A PICTURE."

"WHY?

SO I LOOK GOOD NEXT TO YOU?

YOU KNOW PEOPLE WILL SAY,

"WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT?"

AND I SAID, "LIKE WHAT?"

THEY SAY, "LIKE GO TO A GYM."

"GO TO A GYM?

I WENT TO A GYM.

THEY OFFERED ME FREE MEMBERSHIP

FOR LIFE IF I WAS WILLING TO

POSE FOR A 'DON'T LET THIS

HAPPEN TO YOU,' POSTER."

(LAUGHTER)

AND PEOPLE SAY, "YOU DON'T HAVE

TO GO TO A GYM.

YOU CAN GO FOR A WALK."

"WHERE?

AROUND THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH?

WHAT ARE YOU NUTS?"

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE

YOU TO WALK OFF A BUNCH A

WEIGHT?

YOU'D BE LIKE THE FORREST GUMP

OF WEIGHT WATCHERS.

YOU'RE WALKING, WALKING.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT,

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T COME BACK.

I RECENTLY LOST LIKE A 135

POUNDS.

I WORKED THAT--

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLAP.

NO, DON'T.

YOU'RE SO NICE.

BUT IF YOU DON'T ALL CLAP

TOGETHER IT LOOKS STUPID.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HAD TO LOSE WEIGHT.

'CAUSE I WAS SO FAT.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T TIE MY SHOES

WITHOUT PASSING OUT.

AND I'D LOOK AND I'D SAY,

"YOU KNOW, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN

THERE?"

I MEAN, I HAD TO HAVE MIRRORS.

THERE WAS A LOT OF CRAZY STUFF

GOING ON, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU TRY EVERYTHING TO LOSE

WEIGHT.

I MEAN, I WAS HOPING I'D GET

REALLY SICK.

YOU KNOW, CATCH MAYBE LIKE

A COLD WORK IT INTO A FLU,

GET A DOUBLE PNEUMONIA,

WHOOPING COUGH.

LOSE ALL THIS WEIGHT.

THROWING UP, BURPING UP.

PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "WOW!

YOU LOOK GREAT.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"OH, I GOT SICK."

I MEAN, I WAS DEAD SERIOUS.

I WAS SO NERVOUS.

I WAS THINKING OF GETTING THAT

FLESH EATING DISEASE.

YOU KNOW, JUST A LITTLE OFF MY

ASS.

SOME OFF MY STOMACH.

THROW IT ON SOME SKINNY GUY

THAT EVERYBODY HATES.

BUT YOU CAN GET PILLS NOW

TO HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.

REALLY, I'M NOT TALKING THE

CRAZY PILLS.

I'M TALKING PILLS THAT THEY

ADVERTISE ON TV.

BUT THERE'S ALL SORTS OF CRAZY

CONDITIONS THAT GO ALONG WITH

THIS.

"LIKE PREGNANT WOMEN NURSING

SHOULDN'T BE AROUND IF THE PILL

BREAKS.

RUN, RUN, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE."

WHAT'S IN THESE PILLS THAT

PREGNANT WOMEN NURSING CAN'T BE

AROUND THEM?

I MEAN, THERE'S ALL SORTS OF

CRAZY SIDE EFFECTS.

LIKE, "IF YOU TAKE THESE PILLS,

YOU WILL LOSE WEIGHT BUT YOU'LL

GET YOU GET BLURRED VISION.

AND YOU'LL HAVE HEADACHES.

AND YOU'LL BE IRRITABLE.

AND YOU'LL BE CRANKY.

AND YOU'LL HAVE DIZZY SPELLS.

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE LACK OF SEX

DRIVE.

YOU'LL HAVE HAIR LOSS.

AND YOU'LL HAVE A LOOSE STOOLS.

AND SLIGHT OILY DISCHARGE."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?

SLIGHT OILY DISCHARGE.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT DO YOU WANT TO

LOSE?!"

I CAN SEE THAT NOW, "HEY, LENNY.

HOW'S THAT DIET GOING?"

"PRETTY GOOD."

WELL, SIT DOWN.

TELL US ABOUT IT."

"NO, NO, I'M GOOD.

I'M GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, DRUGS ARE ONE THING BUT

BAD DRUGS WITH SIDE EFFECTS...

STAY AWAY FROM THEM.

I MEAN, I'M NOT CONDONING DRUGS

BECAUSE I DON'T DO DRUGS.

I MEAN, I DID COCAINE ONCE....

FOR LIKE NINE YEARS, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I ONLY DID IT TO LEARN

THE METRIC SYSTEM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU GET THE GRAM, THE HALF-GRAM,

THE KILOGRAM.

BUT I DID THAT TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I TRIED COCAINE TO LOSE WEIGHT.

JUST MADE ME EAT FASTER.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T DO DRUGS.

NOT ANYMORE.

NONE AT ALL.

I DON'T.

BUT IF I DID, THERE' S ONE DRUG

THAT I LOVE--

SEE, YOU'RE A YOUNG CROWD.

AND THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S HIP,

YOU KNOW, I'M OLD AND

EVERYTHING.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

THERE WAS A DRUG BACK WHEN I WAS

A KID CALLED BLACK BEAUTIES.

NOW, THESE WERE FAVORED

BY MIDDLE-AGED HOUSEWIVES.

AND YOU SAY, "WHY THE HELL WOULD

YOU WANT A DRUG THAT MIDDLE-AGED

HOUSEWIVES"--

IT WAS WILD!

I MEAN, MY MOTHER USED TO TAKE

BLACK BEAUTIES AND SHE'D START

CLEANING.

OH, IT WOULD START SIMPLE LIKE

A WINDOW HERE A WINDOW THERE,

MAYBE WASH A LOAD OF CLOTHES.

TWO HOURS LATER SHE'S GOT THE

WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD EVERY WINDOW

IN THE HOUSE.

I TOOK ONE OF HER PILLS ONCE

AND I WENT OUT TO GET THE MILK

AND I ENDED UP IN

FT. LAUDERDALE.

(LAUGHTER)

WALKING.

NOW...

TO ME YOU DON'T REALLY NEED

DRUGS.

'CAUSE I THINK PEOPLE TAKE DRUGS

TO LIKE ONE ANOTHER OR TO GET

TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL GOOD.

AND YOU DON'T NEED THAT.

YOU PEOPLE ARE NICE ENOUGH

YOURSELF.

I MEAN, WHENEVER I GET A REALLY

BAD DAY, I DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON

OTHER PEOPLE.

WHAT I DO IS I GET A BOTTLE OF

WHISKEY, A GOOD CIGAR, GO TO A

CEMETERY, WALK AROUND SMOKING

AND DRINKING, I SAY, "WHAT THE

HELL, I'M DOING BETTER THAN

EVERYBODY HERE."

(LAUGHTER INTO APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ANYTHING ABOUT FASHION

OR ANYTHING ABOUT CLOTHES.

I WISH I DID.

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S BEING FAT

THAT LIMITS YOU.

BUT THEN TODAY, I THOUGHT ABOUT

IT.

WHO DICTATES FASHION TO ALL OF

US.

YOUTH.

KIDS.

KIDS ARE THE ONES WHO DECIDE

WHAT THE KIDS ARE WEARING.

THAT'S HIP, THAT'S HOT,

THAT'S COOL.

AND SOME OF THESE KIDS MUST PUT

ON A CRACK PIPE BECAUSE I'M ONLY

GLAD THAT THE BAGGY DUNGAREES

DOWN BY THEIR KNEES, WITH THEIR

ASS HANGING OUT...

THAT'S ALL CHANGED NOW.

YOU DON'T SEE THAT A LOT.

I GUESS IT WAS, BECAUSE THEY

MADE THEY FELT TOUGH.

"OH, LET ME GET SOME PANTS

THAT ARE 10 SIZES TOO BIG.

AND I'LL WEAR THEM, AND MY ASS

WILL HANG OUT, AND I'LL LOOK

GREAT AND I'LL BE AN O.G.

OH, LOOK AT ME I'M G.

EVERYONE'S G.

OOH, G.

AH, G."

GEE!

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, I DIG KIDS.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND 'CAUSE

IT MUST BE HARD FOR THEM TO LOOK

TOUGH IN THE WINTER.

LIKE LAST NIGHT.

I'M OUT IN THE STREET,

THIS KID COMES UP TO ME, HE'S

LIKE 11 YEARS OLD, TRYING TO BE

TOUGH.

AND HE'S GOT THE PANTS DOWN,

HIS ASSES OUT, AND IT'S ALL

FROZEN BLUE.

AND HIS TEETH HIS TEETH ARE

CHATTERING.

"YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO."

(LAUGHTER)

SO, YOU KNOW, I FEEL BAD FOR THE

KID.

I'M TRYING TO TELL HIM TO GO IN

THE LOBBY.

HE GOES TO ME, "S'UP?"

I GO, "YEAH, YEAH, HOW YOU

DOING?"

"S'UP?"

I GO, "YEAH, I HEARD YOU THE

FIRST TIME.

I'LL SMACK YOU HANG ON THERE A

SECOND THERE."

"S'UP, S'UP?"

I SAID, "WHAT YOU NEED?

A COUPLE BUCKS FOR SUPPER?"

HE GOES, "NO, S'UP, S'UP, S'UP!"

I GO, "S'UP, S'UP. S'UP?

OH, I GET IT, I GET IT.

WHAT AN IDIOT I AM.

YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK ME

"WHAT'S UP?"

NOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE TOO LAZY

TO PULL YOUR PANTS UP ALL THE

WAY.

WHAT GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO THINK

YOU'RE GOING TO THE ENERGY

TO ALL THE LETTERS IN A WORD

AND MAKE A COMPLETE SENTENCE

WE CAN ALL UNDERSTAND?"

(APPLAUSE)

THESE ARE USUALLY THE KIDS

WHO BRING THE CRIME RATE DOWN.

THEY ROB A LIQUOR STORE OR BANK.

THEY START RUNNING, THEIR PANTS

FALL.

THEY TRIP.

THE COPS PULL UP.

THEY ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW

AND GO, "S'UP, GET IN THE BACK."

(LAUGHTER)

BEAUTIFUL TO WORK IN BUT--

I MEAN, EVERYONE HERE'S BEEN SO

NICE AND YOU PEOPLE ARE GREAT.

I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO WIN

YOU OVER BUT BELIEVE ME I DID

A SHOW IN TEXAS THE OTHER NIGHT

IF I HAD A GRENADE I WOULD HAVE

JUST PULLED THE PIN AND LEAPED

IT RIGHT IN.

(LAUGHTER)

TRAVELING AROUND, AH,

IT'S PRETTY WILD, YOU KNOW,

BEING FROM BOSTON WITH MY

ACCENT.

AND THE FACT THAT I'M IRISH

CATHOLIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE GOT LOTS OF PROBLEMS,

YOU KNOW?

AND I MEET PEOPLE FROM ALL

AROUND, YOU KNOW 'CAUSE,

YOU KNOW, I LIVED IN LOS ANGELES

FOR ABOUT TEN YEARS, WHICH IS

NOW MEXICO.

AND I SAID TO MY FRIEND, "RAUL."

AH, I SAID...

(LAUGHTER)

"RAUL, WHY DID YOU COME HERE?"

AND HE SAID, "WE CAME FOR THE

AMERICAN DREAM.

I GO, "OH, YOU JUST MISSED IT."

(LAUGHTER)

BEAR WITH ME.

SEE, A LOT OF YOU UNDERSTAND

WHAT I'M SAYING.

SEE, MEXICAN PEOPLE ARE VERY,

VERY NICE PEOPLE.

LET'S FACE IT, THEY CAN RUN.

EVERYDAY, 20,000 AMERICANS

RUN ACROSS THE BORDER COME INTO

AMERICA, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I MEAN, A MEXICAN WON THE BOSTON

MARATHON TWO YEARS AGO.

HE WASN'T EVEN IN THE RACE.

HE RUNNING DOWN THE STREET.

AND THEY PUT A WREATH ON HIM.

"YEAH!"

(LAUGHTER)

WE HAVE A VERY MIXED GROUP

OF PEOPLE FROM ALL DIFFERENT

COUNTRIES.

ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

AND SOME OF YOU--

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LAUGHING

AND GIGGLING BUT YOU THINK,

"AM I MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE FROM

OTHER PLACES?

"NO.

WHAT ARE YOU NEW?"

C'MON.

I'M IRISH.

WAKE UP.

WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT DO IRISH PEOPLE DO?

AUDIENCE>> DRINK.

LENNY CLARKE>> WE DRINK!

THAT'S IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

OH, GOD!

I MEAN, WE'RE GOOD AT IT

BUT, I MEAN, COME ON.

THERE'S NOT A LOT OF WORK

FOR DRINKING PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

AND DON'T THINK FOR ONE SECOND

THAT I THINK I'M BETTER THAN

ANYBODY ELSE HERE OR ANY PLACE

ELSE FOR THAT MATTER.

BECAUSE IRISH PEOPLE ARE NICE

PEOPLE, BUT NOT THE BRIGHTEST

ONES IN THE BUNCH.

LET'S FACE IT.

IRISH PEOPLE WERE NEARLY

WIPED OUT BY A POTATO FAMINE.

HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE

TO NEARLY LOOSE YOUR ENTIRE RACE

TO A POTATO?

"OH, SEAN, THERE'S NO POTATOES.

WHAT WILL WE DO FOR MONEY?"

"I GOT AN IDEA, MOTHER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

AND IT'S OFFENSIVE IF YOU TAKE

ME WRONG THAT YOU THINK I MAY

BE--

PLEASE DON'T FEEL THAT WAY.

AND IF YOU WANT ME TO BE BEATEN

FOR MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US,

IT'S BEEN DONE.

I'M A VICTIM OF CHILD ABUSE.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.

I DID NINE YEARS IN A

CATHOLIC GRAMMAR SCHOOL WITH

NUNS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, SOME OF YOU CLAP BUT THOSE

OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT NUNS

ARE, HOW CAN I EXPLAIN NUNS

BEST?

NUNS?

NUNS WERE SMALL FAT LITTLE WOMEN

WHO NEVER HAD SEX.

SO, THEY DRESS UP LIKE PENGUINS

AND BEAT THE HELL OUT OF A LOT

OF KIDS LIKE ME.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'LL NEVER FORGET MY 3rd GRADE

TEACHER SISTER MARY TRIGGER

HAPPY.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE WAS A MISERABLE,

BEAT ME TILL I BLEED AND BEAT ME

FOR BLEEDING, ALL IN THE NAME OF

CHRIST.

THEY TAUGHT ME LATIN.

I THOUGHT MAYBE I'LL MEET SOME

HOT LATIN CHICK LATER IN LIFE.

MEA CULPA, MEA CULPA.

YOU KNOW, THAT DOESN'T REALLY

WORK.

A GOOD TEACHER.

ANY TEACHERS HERE TONIGHT?

WE APPLAUD YOU.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT GRADE DO YOU TEACH?

FIRST GRADE?

THAT'S MY FAVORITE GRADE.

IMAGINE TEACHING THEM.

IF THEY GET OUT OF LINE, YOU

JUST PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE JIMMY?"

"HE FELL.

HE FELL!"

(LAUGHTER)

ARE YOU BOTH TEACHERS?

OH, YOU DON'T TEACH.

OH, SHE TEACHES YOU.

SHE'S LOVEABLE.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TEACHER

YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T HAVE TEACHERS LIKE YOU.

NO, I DIDN'T.

AND TEACHERS HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

THE KIDS TODAY.

THE KIDS ARE CRAZY.

THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH METAL

DETECTORS, THEY GOT TO WORRY

ABOUT BEING BEATEN, AND ROBBED,

AND RAPED, AND STABBED.

AND THIS IS JUST BY THE KIDS

WHO SHOW UP.

REALLY.

SOMEONE SAID TO ME THE OTHER

DAY, "HEY, I WANT TO GET A GUN."

I SAID, "GO TO KINDERGARTEN."

THESE KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND

WITH GUNS, AND I'M NOT MAKING

LIGHT OF THIS.

IT'S CRAZY.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE THAT.

TEACHERS WOULD WHACK ME.

I HAD NUNS.

YOU COULD THROW A BOMB AT A NUN

SHE'D JUST TAKE IT PUT IT UP

UNDER HER THING, BOOM!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT, BOY?

DON'T YOU EVER THROW A BOMB

AT A NUN AGAIN!

I'LL BEAT YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT TEACHERS, I APPLAUD YOU.

WE THINK YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE OVERWORKED,

YOU'RE UNDERPAID, AND THEY DON'T

DO ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SUPPORT YOU

'CAUSE GOD KNOWS WE DON'T WANT

THOSE KIDS HOME WITH US EIGHT

HOURS A DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SOME OF THE TEACHERS TODAY,

THEY DON'T COME OUT AND HAVE

A NICE NIGHT OUT LIKE YOU.

THEY'RE WORRIED.

THEY'RE HOME GOING, "OH, GOD,

I GOT TO CORRECT PAPERS.

I CAN'T FLUNK THIS KID HE'LL

KILL ME."

I MEAN, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU OUT

HAVING A GOOD TIME 'CAUSE YOU

DESERVE IT SOMETIMES.

SOME TEACHERS JUST FLIP OUT

AND SNAP.

LIKE THAT WOMAN IN WASHINGTON

STATE WHO HAD SEX WITH THE KID.

AND SHE GOT PREGNANT BY HIM

TWICE.

AND NOW HE'S SUING THE

WASHINGTON STATE SCHOOL SYSTEM

FOR $10 MILLION AND THEY SAY

HE MAY WIN.

OR THIS OTHER TEACHER IN

NEW HAMPSHIRE WHO WON'T STOP

CALLING ME OR WRITING ME.

YOU MAY REMEMBER HER, HER NAME

IS PAMELA SMART.

DOES THAT RING A BELL TO YOU?

SHE WAS THE FIRST ONE.

SHE WAS THE ONE THAT SAID TO HER

STUDENTS, "IF YOU KILL MY

HUSBAND, I'LL GIVE YOU SEX."

AND LITTLE JIMMY IN THE BACK

SAID, "HEY, YOU GIVE ME SEX,

I'LL KILL THE WHOLE SCHOOL."

SEX WITH THEIR STUDENTS IS WHAT

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

SEX WITH THEIR STUDENTS!

WHERE WERE THESE TEACHERS WHEN

I WAS IN SCHOOL?

(LAUGHTER INTO APPLAUSE)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GENIUS.

I COULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT.

WELL, NOT THIS ONE, BUT THE LAST

ONE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ARE YOU TWO MARRIED?

NO, AH, YOU'RE YOUNG.

DON'T JUMP THE GUN.

NO, BUT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU MAKE A HANDSOME COUPLE.

I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO WIN

YOU OVER, BELIEVE ME.

I WAS OUT IN TIME SQUARE TODAY,

I WALKED UP TO TWO PEOPLE,

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE

CHILDREN ARE YOU?"

OH, THEY WERE SCARY LOOKING.

YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

MY PARENTS ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE,

MY FOLKS.

I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH.

THE ONLY THING I THINK THEY DID

WRONG IS HAVE ME.

YOU KNOW, I'M STILL TRYING

TO MAKE IT UP TO THEM.

BUT, I MEAN, THEY WERE PRETTY

TOUGH ON ME.

THEY DIDN'T BEAT ME AS I SAID

THEY PAID GOOD MONEY TO HAVE

THAT DONE FOR THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT MY PARENTS, AS NICE AS

THEY ARE, THEY LIED TO ME.

AS I'M SURE YOUR PARENTS HAVE

LIED TO YOU.

THEY SAID THINGS LIKE, "YOU CAN

BE WHAT EVER YOU WANT IN LIFE."

DID YOUR FOLKS EVER TELL YOU

THAT?

YEAH, THEY DID, DIDN'T THEY?

LYING SONS OF...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

ANYTHING YOU WANT IN LIFE,

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANYTHING YOU

WANT IN LIFE, YOU KNOW WHAT I

WOULD HAVE BEEN?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ASTRONAUT.

DID ANYONE HERE WANT TO BE AN

ASTRONAUT?

SEE ONE PERSON.

TWO PEOPLE.

DID YOU APPLY FOR THE JOB?

NO?

YOU JUST HUNG AROUND THE HOUSE,

NOTHING HAPPENED BY LUNCH.

WELL, I'LL TURN THE TV BACK ON.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, SEE, ONLY TWO PEOPLE WANT

IT.

AND USUALLY NOBODY WANTS IT

AND STILL COULDN'T GET THE JOB.

WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU?

I MEAN, I REALLY WAS SERIOUS

ABOUT BEING AN ASTRONAUT.

I APPLIED.

THEY SAID NO.

THAT DIDN'T STOP ME THEN.

I WAS PERSISTENT.

I STOLE MY FATHER'S CAR I DROVE

DOWN TO CAPE KENNEDY,

CAPE CANAVERAL, CAPE COD,

SOME CAPE I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS PRETTY LIT UP AT THE TIME.

I'LL BE HONEST.

BUT I FIGURE HOW TOUGH CAN IT BE

TO BE AN ASTRONAUT?

OH, SURE, THEY TRY TO MAKE YOU

THINK, "YOU CAN'T BE AN

ASTRONAUT, YOU'RE NOT

QUALIFIED."

THEN THEY GOT SOME 90-YEAR-OLD

GUY SPENDING 20 MILLION TO GO

UP.

AS LONG AS HIS BOWELS HOLD UP

HE'S FINE.

BUT I WENT DOWN TO NASA.

I DROVE IN THERE, I SAID,

"LOOK, MY NAME'S LENNY CLARKE,

I JUST GOT OUT OF COLLEGE, I OWE

A TON OF MONEY IN STUDENT LOANS.

I GOT NOTHING TO DO FOR THE REST

OF MY LIFE.

AH, I'M READY TO BE PROPELLED UP

INTO OUTER SPACE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY SOUNDED LIKE YOU.

THEY LAUGHED A LITTLE.

THEY SAID, "WE CAN'T USE YOU."

I SAID, "WHY NOT?"

HE SAYS, "WELL, YOU'RE NOT

QUALIFIED."

I SAID, "I'M NOT QUALIFIED.

YOU SEND THE MONKEYS

AND CHICKENS AND COWS UP THERE,

AND I'M NOT QUALIFIED?"

"SECURITY."

I HAD TO THINK FAST.

SO RIGHT AWAY, I STOOD ON MY

HEAD AND MAKE SOME TANG,

JUST TO SHOW HIM I KNEW WHAT

I WAS DOING.

WE'RE TREATING THESE TALIBAN

TYPES TOO BAD AND YET THEY'RE

ON THE BEACH IN CUBA WHILE IT'S

FREEZING OVER THERE IN

AFGHANISTAN.

THAT LOOKS LIKE GOOD DEAL.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO CUBA

BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M AN

AMERICAN.

I MEAN, I'M AN AMERICAN,

I'M PROUD TO BE AND AMERICAN.

YOU KNOW, WE HAD A TRAGEDY LAST

YEAR CAUSED BY THESE FILTHY

TALIBAN TYPES.

AND, I MEAN, YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, THE HELL WITH IT.

I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT

'CAUSE I'M MAD AS HELL.

AND I THINK THESE GUYS SHOULD BE

PUNISHED.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST ONES

IN THE BUNCH.

THEY TRIED TO SEND US ANTHRAX

TO HURT US.

THEY TRIED TO SEND IT AND I KNEW

THEY WERE STUPID 'CAUSE THEY

SENT IT THROUGH THE MAIL.

DO THESE GUY REALIZE WHO THEY'RE

MESSING WITH?

THE UNITED STATES POSTAL

SERVICE.

(LAUGHTER INTO APPLAUSE)

THESE GUYS WILL KILL EACH OTHER

OVER A HOLIDAY.

YOU RAISE THE PRICE OF STAMPS

SOMEONE IS GOING DOWN.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

IF THEY EVER FIND OUT WHERE

THOSE CAVES ARE, THEY'LL FILL

THOSE CAVES WITH JUNK MAIL.

THEY'LL BE UP THEIR ASS SWIMMING

IN COUPONS.

GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.

I MEAN, I GET SO SICK ABOUT IT,

FOLKS, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO

GO TO WAR.

DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO GO TO WAR?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU WORKED ALL WEEK; YOU'RE

TIRED.

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE

RUNNING AROUND THE WORLD

FIGHTING ALL SORTS OF STRANGE

FOREIGN PEOPLE.

YOU WANT TO DO THAT JUMP IN A

CAB.

(LAUGHTER)

TELL ME I'M WRONG.

I GOT IN A CAB TO COME DOWN

HERE.

I SAID, "TAKE ME TO DOWN

TO HUDSON THEATRE."

THE GUY GOES (MUMBLES)

"YEAH, YEAH, HUDSON THEATRE."

(MUMBLING CONTINUES)

I SAID, "NEVER MIND,

HERE'S 20 BUCKS.

YOU SIT THERE I'LL DRIVE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPL

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