TAC in the Day

  • Season 5, Ep 13
  • 04/08/2015

In a flashback to 2008, the guys experience their first day at TelAmeriCorp and help Alice get a leg up at the company.

- Could be, yeah--- That makes sense.

Does this look familiar?

Yeah, that's a Samoa, right?

Oh, did she go sugar mad?That's right.

That's a real thing.That happened to my aunt.

She drove her Corolla off one ofthe bridges in Madison County,

and in the wreckage, theyfound three Whatchamacallits.

Candy wrappers--like,Milky Way candy wrappers.

Okay, this is a half-eaten,giant weed cookie

that Tina foundin your cubicle!

It's--which is stealing.

- Yes.- So you want us to fire her?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.- 'Cause we'll do it.

We are not firingthe traumatized woman

who is now in the hospital

because you threebrought drugs to work.

Okay, she's a traumatizedthief, though.

Please,let me banish--

- Identity theft--- I want to banish someone.

That's the word--the thief part.

She is traumatized,but she is a--

You guys, I'm really sorryto have to do this,

but you have goneway too far this time.

You're all fired.


Well, it finally happened.

No, no, she can't fire usbecause we dem boys.

A woman ran through a glassdoor high on drugs

because of you three.

I have to fire you.

You know,I didn't want to do this,

because it would,you know,

- feel a little icky to do.both: Mm-hmm.

But I'm going to haveto pull out our one time only,

"You can't fire us" card,Alice.

Okay, what the hellare you talking about?


Alice, need we remind youhow you got your job?

Alice, need we remind youhow you got your job?

[You Sexy Thingby Hot Chocolate]

[knock at door]


Hey, uh, what's up, player?I'm Ice Holmvik.

I'm here for an orientation.

Oh, that's a--that's an unusual name.

What's the significanceto that, Ice?

I used to swim,but then I started rhyming,

and my rhymes were so coldthat the water froze.

Hence, Ice Holmvik.

Oh, that's--Ilove--I love rap.

I love rap too.I'm also into hip-hop fashion.

- You know, like--- Right.

This guy, Kanye, is like,starting to really

come up and change the game,

so I started a denim line.Check that.

It's called, "Rawegian."I don't really have them

steady sagging right now,but usually I do.

But since I'm at work,I pull them up out of respect.

George: I appreciate that.I'll tell you what.

If you wear slacks tomorrow,I'll cut you some slack today.

- That's what's up.- All right, well,

orientation's in about tenminutes--conference room.

- That's what's up.- Thank you, buddy.

- That's what's up.- All right, Ice.

This is gonna be fun, buddy.


What the hell areyou guys doing here?

You're supposedto be in class.

(Blake)You get it, bro.

It's, like, a financial crisiswe're going through.

- Yeah.- Recession, college loans,

- the bailouts--- Bailouts, yep.

- So you know, we bailed out.Barack Obama!

You dropped out of college?

Yeah, as real bosses do.

Bill Gates,the child from Facebook.

Hey, guess what, guys. It'sSteve Jobs not Steve College.

- That's funny.- 'Cause I'm kind

of gonna be the officefunny guy around here.

I feel like that's my vibe.

That's my calling.That's my truth.

Okay, so should we clockin or something?

No, we definitelyshouldn't clock in, okay?

I should clock in,because this is my job

and you don't belong here.

This is where I am goingto turn over a new leaf

and become the man I wassupposed to be, Ice Holmvik.

I will not call you that.

I will never, evercall you Ice Holmvik.

- This is--yes, you will.- Oh, Ders, check it out.

- Ice is what I'm called.- Yeah, but check it out.

(Anders)Dude, is that--is that Lacey Jams?

Yes, like, 100%.That's her, man.

Don't look up. Don't look.Be cool. Be cool.

Does that mean thatthat dude right there is--

the dude--the mole--the mole man?

If that's him,I bow to thee,

because he's got ahuge sausage, right?

And she derbs it allthe way up to this mole

- that he's got on the base--- It's true, dude.

She's not thro' yet,but she's a prospect.

She's like the Derrick Rose

of deep throat, dude.- Yeah.

Oh, is that, like,an Internet thing?

Ugh, yuck.

Oh, Adam, you are still takinga hard stance on the Internet.

Dude, it is 2008.

Don't be 2000-late, okay?

The Internet and computersare for dweebs and nerds.

You got to geton there, dude.

It's, like, a lot ofamazing porno on there.

- Yeah.- This Internet porno fade--

that's gonna--it's gonna fadeaway because porno stars

are on the covers of DVDsand the covers of VHS tapes.

Haha, okay, cool dudes,

I want all new recruits inthe conference room right now.

Let's do this. Come on.

♪ With the striped shirtand dumb soul patch ♪

Ooh, slam.

♪ Boy, you looklike a mole rat ♪

Mole rat, okay.

No, no, no, no.You didn't know.

Wow.We landed on mole rat.

Very cool, very funny.

- Oh, here we go.- Limo.

It's, like, the Presidentor something?

This is cool.

- Is...?- Yo.

- Is that Mark McGrath?- What's up, boys?

Sugar Ray just said,"What's up?" to us.

- Does he work here?- That is Sugar Ray.

(Adam)That is Sugar Ray.Who is she?

Oh, yummy, yummy, my pee-peeis pointing at my tummy, tummy.

- Go on and get it, boy!- Oh, oh. Oh, my gosh.

Listen, listen, listen,last night was...

It was, like, physical, right?But it was also spiritual.

Did you feel that?

Yeah, man.It was all right.

(Adam)Excuse me.Did you just kiss Sugar Ray?

I did a lot morethan that.

Let's just say McGrathlikes to Mc-munch.

[all laughing]

Oh!Oh, she got snapped.

- She got snapped.- Oh, yeah!

I'll never forget you,Alice Murphy,

not never, ever.

(Anders)She got him sprung.

Wow. Okay.

So let me guess.

You three fresh meatjust sat through

Montez and George'scorny-ass orientation video?

- Yeah.- You right, you right.

I thoughtit was funny, but...

Well, you don't seem

like you completely suckmy "pricksicle."

Follow me.I'll deprogram you.

(Blake)Hey, uh, shouldn't weget back to work?

Mr. Burkemansaid 15-minute breaks.

Yeah, like, somebodymight trick on us. I don't know.

Look, when you crushthe phones as hard as I do,

you make the schedule.

Yo, Jillian!


(Jillian)Wait a minute. Hang on.Damn door.

Hey, A-Train,you looking to smoke a J?

Smoke a J.

I got what you need.

Calling it"That Blue Magic,"

from that new show Breaking Bad.

- Have you guys seen it?- Oh, sweet.

Oh, I watchedthe entire season

through a windowat Circuit City.

(Adam)That dudefrom Malcolm in the Middle.

- I love that show.- Yeah.

Oh, God, here comesthis [bleep] nerd.

What's up?[coughs]

- Yeah.- Here, Jillian, deal with this.

What's wrong withGeorge, though?

- I mean, he seems straight.- Oh, I don't know.

Uh, I got braceson the company's insurance,

and then that dickcanceled everybody's plans.

(Alice)So now my teeth are fixed,

but I can't affordto get my braces off, so...

Oh, that sucks.

Jillian,what are you doing?

- I'm smoking it down.- No, get rid of it.

- What?- He is right there.

Oh, God,where do I put it?

Someone, hide it.Here, I got it.

Oh!Oh, oh, it burns!

This is just fun.

Like, having a jobis just fun, you know?

We have these spinny chairs.

I get to put upthese photos of me

flexing all over the place.

It's like no one'sgonna stop me.

- Right?- It's super cool.

Uh-oh, here she is.

How 'bout me and yougo find a dark corner

to have some of that sexthat you won't shut up about?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen,'cause you are the help,

and I'm middlemanagement now.

I am donescrewing around,

and if you three jacknardsdon't start dressing the part,

you're out of here.

Do you hear that,do'rag?


No, no, no, I get it.

First day as the boss,you know.

Tensions are a little high.

Speaking of high, why don't wego outside, smoke a joint?

Anyone caught doing drugsin the office will be fired,

and starting immediately,there'll be random drug tests.

I'm excited. What kindof drugs are we testing?

Oh! Ohoho.

Oh, dude,I give you my blessing

to continue saying thatas the office funny guy.

And I give you my blessingto get the [bleep] back

on the phones.

Yo, A-Train, I couldn'tfind any Kashi GoLeans,

so I made you a bagel.

Yeah, my name is Alice,and this is not what I wanted.

I wanted Kashi GoLean.