May 17, 2016 - Lewis Black

  • 05/17/2016

Doctors perform America's first penis transplant, and Larry discusses Hillary Clinton's White House plans for Bill Clinton with Lewis Black, Jordan Carlos and Grace Parra.

Yes! Thank you very much!

Thank you! Such a good crowd.

Please... Thanks.I appreciate it.

-Welcome to The Nightly Show! -(audience chanting "Larry!")

I am Larry Wilmore.

The aforementioned Larry,Larry, Larry.

Please. Thanks, guys. So kind.

We got a really great showfor you tonight.

Guys, guys, Lewis Black,Lewis Black on the show tonight.

-(cheering and applause)-Yes.

Very excited about that.

We're gonna talk about politicsand all that.

But before that,let me just say,

um, while many in the medicalcommunity were content

to stop at heart transplants...

(laughter)

...some with more vision said,

"Hey, can't we do thiswith dicks?"

We got word today ofa remarkable transplant surgery

in Boston, the first of its kindin this country.

A man who lost his penisto cancer

has received a new one.

Wow!

Whoa. Man. Yes.

Can you imagine that, you guys?

(chuckles)

Receiving the giftof a brand-new penis?

Well, our studio audiencedoesn't have to imagine anymore.

And if you just check under yourseats right now, you'll find...

No, no, no. I'm kidding!

It's a joke! It's a...

That's true.Some people looked though.

"Oh, thanks for the...thanks for the dick, Larry.

I appreciate it." All right.

I know... I know this soundslike a funny story,

but it's actuallyan important breakthrough

that could help peoplewho really need it.

It's a major development,

especially for veterans who'vesuffered genital injuries.

There are over1,300 wounded warriors

who have these kindsof genital injuries.

That's right.Lots of soldiers come home

with horrible genital injuries.And now maybe a penis transplant

could be an option for them.So it's not...

You know, it's not really a timefor childish humor,

um, as much as, you know...

I know. I do te...I go there a lot. I'm sorry.

But the doctors who performedthe surgery are real heroes,

you guys. Um...Oh, wait a second.

What is, uh...what is that dude's name?

Dicken Ko?

That is the best namefor a penis doctor ever.

Mwah. Mmm.

All right. But here to discussthe procedure further,

uh, is our very ownRory Albanese, everybody.

(cheering and applause)

Um, Rory, uh,

are-are you in a hospital?What-what happened?

Well, uh, I was out drinkingwith the boys last night.

-Uh-huh. -And wouldn'tyou know it, someone, uh,

-brought along The New England Journal of Medicine. -Right.

And, uh, I don't know, man,

you know, one thing ledto another, and I, uh,

guess I got talked into gettingone of these fancy new dicks

everybody's been talking about.So...

Uh... Wait. Ho... Rory,

you got peer-pressured intohaving penis transplant surgery?

I sure did, man.A lot of tequila, you know?

-Uh...-All right.

It was either that or a tattoo,and I do not want a tattoo, man.

-I mean, you know how hard it is-I understand.

to get rid of a tattoo?I mean, come on.

Well, not as hardas getting rid of your dick.

-Uh...-Ah. Sorry, Larry.

I couldn't hear that last thing.Uh, I guess

all of my eardrum bloodis currently in my new dong.

I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna lie.

-It's kind of a sick upgrade,this thing, so... -Okay.

Well, good luck with that, Rory.Good luck.

Rory Albanese, everybody.All right.

Okay. Moving on.

All right. Enough of that.

Uh, by the way,do you guys remember

the 2014 Senate reporton CIA torture?

If so, could you call the CIAand recite it to them?

Because they lost it.

The CIA's inspector general'soffice,

which is supposed to actas a watchdog for the agency,

well, it's either mysteriouslyor mistakenly destroyed

its copy of the Senate reporton CIA torture.

(groaning)

They destroyed their only copy?

This country only has one copy

of the torture report?

How could this even happen?

We have two Michael Jordans,you guys.

Right?

I mean, come on!

I mean, ugh!

(groans)We were smart enough to back up

our Michaels Jordan

and not our torture report?

And, thank you, yes,I said "Michaels Jordan."

That is proper.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. All right.

-(applause)-No, no, no. All right,

I want to hear more aboutthis missing torture report.

The CIA, uh, apparently,is trying to convince

the oversight committeethat this was an accident.

It's not an accident.

You can't accidently destroya 6,700-page document.

Correct!

Plus, guys... No, seriously,guys, there's no reason

to destroya 6,700-page document.

This is America, right?

Nobody's gonna reada 6,700-page document.

We can't even be botheredto read terms of service

before we give away all ofour rights and privacy, right?

"Do you agree?" "Yes.

"Ugh. I don't have timeto read. No, no.

"Ugh. You can havemy fourth-born.

"I don't care.I just want to download Tidal.

Please.I got to listen to Lemonade."

(whimpering)

I'm just kidding.Nobody cares about Tidal.

-Anyway...-MAN: Ooh.

Oh, burn. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Jay Z fans here.Okay, but anyway...

Okay, the thing that really getsme about this torture report

is the gruesome details, guys.

We can't forget these things.

-Waterboarding,sleep deprivation, -Oh, yeah.

-uh, shackled while naked...-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What-what the hell is that?

Sorry. Uh...

Sorry. That was... that wasjust me. I'm watching the show,

and, uh, all this talk aboutCIA torture's-- not gonna lie--

giving me kind of anuncontrollable boner over here.

-It's weird.-Wait, Rory,

CIA torture's giving youa-a boner?

Yeah, man. Apparently, uh, thisnew guy's got a mind of his own.

(chuckles)Seriously,

I actually am kind of worried.I think my dick donor

may have been some kindof serial killer or something.

-I don't know.-Serial killer?

This ain't me, man. It's weird.

Um... Anyway, you were talkingabout naked shackling. Please.

Rory, Rory, I would bevery concerned, if I were you.

Hey, sorry, Larry.I'm still learning

what makes my new rod dance,you know? I don't know.

Honestly, I just drove the thingoff the lot.

-Cut me some slack here.-Okay, all right, that's enough.

That's enough.That's enough, Rory.

Get him out of here.Sorry about that, everybody.

I apologize. My mistake.I apologize.

Okay,back to this torture story.

So, this incident beganlast year

when CIA General CounselCaroline Krass told

the inspector general's officethat the Justice Department

wanted all copiesof the torture report preserved.

And then-- and I quote--

"they discovered,'(bleep), we don't have one.'"

-(laughter)-"(bleep), we don't have one."?

(laughter)

That's what you saywhen you realize

you don't have a condomright before sex.

(laughter and groaning)

Not when you realizeyou've lost the only copy

of the most significanttorture report

the CIA has ever released!

Now, when the officereceived the disk

with the torture report on it,they uploaded it

to their internalclassified computer system

and then destroyed the disk,right?

But then,someone in the office, quote,

"...interpreted the JusticeDepartment's instructions

"not to open the file to mean

it should be deletedfrom the server."

-(audience groaning)-Right, exactly.

"...so that both the originaland the copy were gone."

-(audience groaning)-Okay, two things.

Number one-- this sounds soincompetent, I believe it.

-(laughter)-Mm-hmm. Right?

I do. I-I completelybelieve it, right?

-(applause)-And... Hold on.

And number two-- (bleep).This is (bleep)

I don't believeyou mother (bleep).

All right? All right?-(laughter, cheering & applause)

Number two-- you're the CIA!

You, by definition, are neversupposed to tell me the truth.

Seriously, I just wishyou would lie better, okay?

Especially for oneof our most shameful chapters

-in recent history.-ALBANESE: Larry? Larry?

What? What? Rory.

I got great news, Larry!I got great news.

Rory, I'm trying to do the showhere. What is it now?

-This is much more importantthan torture, dude. -Okay.

Uh, the doctors just took offthat devil dong I had before...

-What... -and, uh, have given meyet another dick transplant.

It's really odd.

I'm the first-ever,two-time recipient of a new hog!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

-ALBANESE & AUDIENCE:U.S.A.! -Rory? Rory, stop it.

Yeah, they knowwhat I'm talking about.

U.S.A. has nothingto do with this.

I didn't know there werethat many penis donors.

There really aren't.Um, you know...

-What...?-Man.

(laughter)

-Where the hell am I?-Hey, what's up, Mike?

-Mike Yard? -And why is therea bag on my junk?!

Hey, you know that movie Face/Off?

I just did itwith our dicks, buddy.

-Dick swapped ya! -No!

(loud panting)

Where'd you get this thing--an eight-year-old boy?

-(laughter)-She served me well.

(bleep), man. I did not sign offa release form for this!

Actually, yes, you did.You did.

I just deleted the only copy.Thanks for the idea, CIA!

-Okay. -Got a new dick.-(applause and cheering)

I want no part of this!Rory Albanese

-and most of Mike Yard,everybody. -Just kill me!

-We'll be right back.-Kill me!

-(cheers and applause)-Just kill me.

-(applause and cheering)-Thank you very much.

Welcome back.

Now, if you thought America'slead crisis was limited

to a single town in Michigan,think again.

The problem in Flint has exposed

a larger lead crisisaround the nation.

And the fact isthat lead is an epidemic,

and if you're anything like me,

you're wonderinghow we even got here.

So, luckily, it's time

for a Nightly Show Super Depressing Deep Dive.

Take a look.

(clicking)

(upbeat videogame music playing)

MAN: Hi. How are you?

Fantastic. Glad to hear it.

Okay, time for a Nightly Show Super Depressing Deep Dive.

Everybody knows that lead is terrible.

When children ingest even a little bit of lead,

it causes brain damage, seizures, even death.

And death is one of the worst things

that can happen to a child.

Even worse than being forced to wear a onesie

for a band your dad likes.

Hey, dads, babies don't like Wilco.

-(baby crying) -Nobody likes Wilco.

Anyway, lead is terrible, but it's also everywhere.

To find out why we have to travel

all the back back to 1904, Australia.

See, in 1904, Australian investigators

realized that children in lead-painted homes

were showing the same symptoms as sick

factory machinists who worked with lead all day.

Soon the Australians published their findings,

and everybody could read about how dangerous lead was.

(loud gasping)

Cut to 1922 when the League of Nations

tried to ban lead paint worldwide.

The band worked, lead paint was outlawed, and everything was

-sunny and happy again. -CHILDREN: Yay!

-Back to you, Larry. -(scream, explosion)

Just kidding. Life is an ever-churning maelstrom

of avarice and pain, and this story is no different.

(woman screams)

See, the U.S. didn't ban lead paint until 1978.

Why did it take more than 50 years

for the U.S. to do anything about lead paint?

-If you guessed corporate greed... -(bell dinging)

- ...you win the trophy. -(baby crying, angels singing)

-Just don't chew on it. It's made of lead. -(coughs)

The U.S. didn't sign on to the 1922 ban because of lobbying

by pro-lead groups like the Lead Industries Association

and the National Paint, Varnish and Lacquer Association.

That's the N.P.V.L.A., or "NuhPuhVLa," for short.

♪ NuhPuhVLa!

And in that time, not only was lead paint legal.

It was actively marketed to young people.

Companies would even send out lead-paint coloring books

to households with children.

In fact, take a look at the Dutch Boy mascot.

Fun, cartoony. Kind of reminds you of this dude, doesn't he?

-(coughing). Aw. What was the deal with that?

In fact, in 1938, the government even mandated

that cheap lead-based paints had to be used

in certain government housing projects.

Congratulations!

You have just survived the Depression.

What are you gonna do next?

I'm gonna saddle my entire family

with a lifetime of incurable neurological problems!

So, like big tobacco, the lead industry fought warning labels,

promoted junk science and went after their critics.

In the 1950s, they even threatened

to sue the makers of the show Highway Patrol

for their episode about lead poisoning.

NARRATOR: Little Tommy Norton, gravely ill

and without medical aid, was unable

to understand the strong and gripping pains

that wracked his body.

MAN: Ooh, that sucks.

-(angels singing) -Sorry, Little Tommy.

Anyway, cities didn't start taking action until much later,

with New York banning lead paint in 1959.

In the '60s, it fell

to community groups to educate residents

about the dangers of lead. Community groups like...

the Black Panthers.

That's right, those Black Panthers.

The same Black Panthers your mom's friend on Facebook

thinks are gonna break into her house

and force-feed her chicken and waffles. -(woman screams)

Those Black Panthers were way ahead of the federal government

on the dangers of lead.

The Black Panthers ran People's Free Medical Clinics.

That, among many other services,

provided lead tests for their communities.

Now I know the Black Panthers did bad stuff.

(baby crying)

♪ Bad stuff!

But testing their communities for lead--

-that's definitely in the pro column. -(siren blaring)

So, scientific evidence about the dangers of lead

was mounting, and you know what that means.

Time to blame the victims.

The lead industry actually claimed

that the real danger was from

uneducable Negro and Puerto Rican parents

who couldn't stop their kids from eating paint.

Uneducable Negro and Puerto Ricans?

Yeah, well, maybe all the Negroes and Puerto Ricans

were uneducable because you turned their brains

into crème brûlée with your toxic paint,

you evil mother (bleep)!

-(woman gasps) -Sorry. Sorry. Back to monotone narration.

In 1978, the United States

finally banned the sale of lead paint,

-and lead pipes were banned in the 1980s. -(children cheering)

-But the damage was done. -(organ plays gloomy tune)

Lead was already tied into millions

of poor urban neighborhoods. It was part of the family.

-(children giggling) -And it impacted real people

like Freddie Gray, whose death at the hands of the police

touched off unrest in Baltimore last year.

MALE REPORTER: His mother and stepfather

raised Freddie and his siblings in a home so squalid,

they won a settlement

from the landlord over lead paint exposure.

WOMAN: They made the connection

to problems he ultimately had in school.

I first read about it,and I thought,

how am I even talkingabout lead paint

and we're talking about,you know,

we've lost this young man,but it's all connected.

That's right, pretty white lady, it's all connected

in the great circle of (bleep) over poor people

and minorities. I know it's upsetting,

but that's why it's not called the...

It's called...

Everything is awful. Have a nice day.

-(audience groaning)-Well, that was depressing.

We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Jordan Carlos.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorGrace Parra.

(cheering, applause)

And you can catch himon The Emperor's New Clothes,

The Naked Truth Tour--

welcome backcomedian Lewis Black.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so, this past weekend,Hillary Clinton talked

about, uh, who she sawin her future administration.

Take a look.

My husband, who...I'm gonna put in charge

of revitalizing the economy,

'cause, you know,he knows how to do it,

-(cheering, applause, whooping)-and, um...

Especially in placeslike coal country

and inner cities

and other parts of our countrythat have really been left out.

(laughter)

CARLOS:The "other parts."

-Okay, that was a loadedsentence there. -Yeah, yeah.

There was a lot of...Lewis, what is she telling us

-right now?-Well, really what she's saying

is that's...

as far awayas she could possibly get him

but he's stillin the United States.

(laughter)

No one... it's...no one is going, you know,

to Appalachia,

they're... they're avoidingthe inner cities,

and she can't make him theambassador to, like, Bora Bora.

-(laughter)-So...

But he... but she...but they even asked her

is he gonna be in the cabinet?She's like, "No.

"I don't know whatyou guys are thinking.

"I was just makingall that (bleep) up.

-(laughter)-Hello? I'm Hillary Clinton."

"I'm not new to this."

Is he gonna be down the hall?

Like, what is...what's his role exactly?

I mean, could they do, like...I mean, listen,

I love House of Cards-- I just don't want it to be,

like, the real thing,you know what I mean? Like...

PARRA:It feels like the Underwoods

are based on Hillary and Billalready, right?

Well, people feel like they gota two-for-one the first time.

Do you think that'sthe expectation this time?

Well, also, I mean, you can't--it's him--

you can't underestimate him.

You can talk about this,that, whatever he did,

whatever happened--nobody gives a (bleep).

-It's him! They love him!-WILMORE: Yeah. -Yeah.

I-I was in a room with him,

-like, a, you know, fairly...not a small room...-What?!

-(laughter)-where things happen.

Okay, just tell me,was it good touch? Bad touch?

-WILMORE: No, no, no.-No, no, no. It was a party.

-CARLOS: Okay. All right.-He got up to speak,

-Yes.-and literally, he is...

You will buy anythingthe (bleep) wants to sell.

-WILMORE: I agree. I agree.-PARRA: So true. Yes, yes, yes.

-Yeah.-I mean, he is the greatest...

He should be on late...I was praying he would just do

late-night ads, and I couldjust liquor up every night

and buy all the (bleep)in the world.

(laughter)

I think you're right.He... he should do infomercials

-for the administration.-Exactly.

-I think it'd be fantastic.-CARLOS: That'd be great.

-PARRA: Yeah. -And sellsaxophones on the side.

-(laughter)-WILMORE: Yeah.

He could do the licksfor his own infomercial.

-Yeah, sweet Bubba Sax.-Do you think he runs the risk

of overshadowing Hillary?

Because, I mean,his persona is so big.

I think that she'salready being overshadowed

by another older,graying gentleman

in the Democratic Party--Mr. Bernard Q. Sanders...

-WILMORE: Uh-huh. Yeah.-is doing...

an exceptionally good job.

So as much as I hate to say it,I do think that Hillary's

-already being overshadowed.-Do you think Trump

helps bring in the Bubba vote?

Remember they used to always sayhe had that Bubba vote?

Which, I think,Trump kind of has.

You know whatthey're really saying--

you know,poor white people that...

-(laughter) -you know,who ain't votin' for Obama.

-Right?-You know, I don't know.

It depends on whetherthe Bubba vote can, uh,

get to the... to the polls.

I mean, they got to...

Oh, (bleep),it was yesterday?

Son of a bitch.

I can't believe I drankthat many Bloody Marys.

And I wonder about-- ourrelationship with the Clintons

goes back so far, do you thinkmaybe we just need counseling

-in that relationship right now?-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.

I feel like they've-they've gota contract in place,

there are clauses,there are outs.

They know where each other areon opposite ends of the country.

-WILMORE: We have an agreement.-They have agreements.

-We have an understanding.-Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

We need to grow up about theirrelationship, you know?

-I mean, they're, like...-Yeah, 'cause people are overly

interested in theirrelationship, don't you think?

-Yeah, we need to grow upabout it. -I think so.

Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean,I-I feel... It's like,

with my parents, you know, like,my dad watches TV upstairs

-and my mom watches TVdownstairs. -Uh-oh.

You know what I mean? And theywill never be watching TV

-in the same place.-Your parents may not be happy

-with you, uh, saying this.-Yeah.

And they will be watching thison their separate TVs tonight.

-Right. -And then be like,"Jordan, what the hell?!"

You know?But...

That's very odd.

But I...I'm sorry, mom and dad.

-I'm sorry. -It's tough,but that's kind of what...

that's kind of what they'reasking America right now.

They're saying do you wantto continue this relationship?

-Yes. -Yeah.-Or should we continue...

Or I-I just wishthey'd give 'em, uh...

It would be, like,just an hour a week.

Americans would payto watch them

-be in a room with a shrink.-Yeah.

That's a... that's anotherbillion dollars.

I'm doing nothing butmaking money for this economy.

-I think that's a great idea.-PARRA: I would watch that.

-CARLOS: Wow.-Everyone would watch it. -Yes.

At least the first episode.

(all laughing)

WILMORE:Then we would tune out.

I feel like Hillary-- hercampaign seemed special in 2008.

I mean, she's winningright now, so, you know,

she's doing the right things,but do you think, uh,

do you think Bill helpsto add something special

or does he kind of take it away?What do you think?

I think it's...I mean, we know them.

-We know them. -We know them.We know these two.

You know what I mean?

PARRA: They're not the bright,shiny young thing

that Bernie Sanders is.

He's so... he's so glisteningand fresh to us.

We know the Clintons--we know 'em.

Well, the-the thingabout Hillary,

which makes it impossible,

is the fact she never went away.

Everyone who's ever runfor president goes away.

Richard Nixon went away.

Uh, Mitt Romney didn't appear

-until, like, four weeks ago.-That's true, yeah.

And then you go, "Wow. Oh, wow.

I forgot.You're not so bad."

She's just kind ofsitting there, going...

She's the one-she's the onewho's in the carpool with you

for ten (bleep) years.

And every morning you got thatcup of coffee and you're going,

"I can't believeI got to pick her up again."

Except it's...

We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area or are

planning to visit, grab free ticket to The Nightly Show.