Weinhold, Estime, Retta

  • Season 3, Ep 0312
  • 02/22/2000

Matt Weinhold talks about the misery of marriage, Retta describes her impoverished childhood, and Michael Estime ponders unusual uses of the N-word.

I'M A CHILD OF THE '70s.

KIDS ARE SO LUCKY NOW, MAN.

ALL THEY GOT IS HOMEWORK.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL

BUT WE HAD HOMEWORK AND HOUSEWORK.

YOU GOIN' TO CLEAN SOMETHIN'.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT OUT THE HOUSEON SATURDAY-- YOU FINISHED.

WHETHER OR NOT I'M FINISHED,YOU HAD TO WALK FINISHED.

MY MOTHER WOULD SITIN THE LIVING ROOM

AND WAIT FOR YOUTO WALK UP TO HER...

YOUR WHOLE BODYGOT TO LOOK FINISHED.

YOU WALK UP TO HER,YOU GOT TO BE LIKE...

( laughter )

FINISHED.

MY MOTHER WAS A PSYCHOLOGIST,THOUGH.

"YOU FINISHED?GO ON OUTSIDE.

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED.

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED,GO ON OUTSIDE, GO AHEAD.

ARE YOU FINISHED?"

( laughter )

YOU GIVE HERTHAT "YES, NO" ANSWER.

( laughter )

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED,GO OUTSIDE."

"LET ME GO LOOK ONE MORE TIME."

GROWING UP,MY PARENTS WEREN'T WEALTHY.

SO, THEY HAD TO FIND WAYSTO SAVE ON THE BARE ESSENTIALS.

MY MOTHER NEVER BOUGHTANYTHING BRAND-NAME--

FOOD, CLOTHING, WHATEVER.

I REMEMBER IN SECOND GRADE,SOME KIDS WERE TALKING

ABOUT WONDER BREAD THISAND WONDER BREAD THAT

AND I HAD NEVER HEARD OF IT.

I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE HELLTHEY WERE TALKING ABOUT...

'CAUSE OUR FAMILY GOTTAYSTEE BREAD--

T-A-Y-S-T-E-E.

FIRST OF ALL, THEY CAN'T SPELL,AND SECOND OF ALL, IT WASN'T.

THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT"WE KNOW YOUR ASS IS BROKE

AND THIS ISALL YOU CAN AFFORD BREAD"...

AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS GOTPOWDERED MILK, AND I HATED IT

BUT WHEN WE RAN OUT,MY BROTHER AND I

WOULD SUBSTITUTENON-DAIRY CREAMER.

WHAT THE HELL ISNON-DAIRY CREAMER?

I ONCE ASKED THE GUYAT THE GROCERY STORE.

I WAS, LIKE, "YOU KNOW,WHAT IS NON-DAIRY CREAMER?"

HE WAS, LIKE, "WELL,I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT IT IS

"BUT I CAN TELL YOUWHAT IT AIN'T--

DAIRY."

I'M THINKING HE OPTED

AGAINST THE Ph.D....

BUT THINK ABOUT IT:"NON-DAIRY" "CREAMER"--

TWO WORDSTHAT SHOULD NOT BE USED

TO DESCRIBE THE SAME PRODUCT...

KIND OF LIKE "TURKEY BACON."

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ONON THAT FARM?

WHO'S DOING WHO?

I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S DOING WHO

'CAUSE I GET A MENTAL PICTUREOF A PIG IN MACK-DADDY MODE.

HEY!

( clucking )

YEAH, GIRL.

WHAT'S UP?

( clucking )

AND MY FATHER REFUSEDTO GET AIR CONDITIONING

AND THEN TRIED TO CONVINCE USTHAT WE DIDN'T NEED IT.

HE SAID,"WHAT DO YOU NEED A.C. FOR?

THE BODY'S GOTIT'S OWN COOLING MECHANISM."

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"SWEATING."

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU FIRST GETOUT OF THE SHOWER

YOU'RE ALWAYS COLD

BECAUSE THE MOISTUREON YOUR SKIN IS EVAPORATING

THEREBY COOLING THE BODY DOWN.

USING THIS SAME LOGIC

MY FATHER REFUSEDTO TURN UP THE HEAT

BECAUSE THE BODY HADITS OWN HEATING MECHANISM--

SHIVERING.

HE'D SAY, "I SEEYOUR TEETH ARE CHATTERING.

"YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

"HEAT.

"KINETIC ENERGY.

I BET YOUR TONGUE AIN'T COLD,IS IT?"

BUT, YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU GROW UPUNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES

YOU TEND TO BE AROUND OTHERS

WHO ARE STRUGGLING AS WELL--WE CALL THAT "THE HOOD"-- UM

AND THE KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOODUSED TO COMPETE

AS TO WHO WAS OVERCOMINGTHE MOST ADVERSITY

AND I REMEMBER HAVINGTHIS ARGUMENT WITH THIS GIRL.

I TOLD HER, "SINCE WE CAN'TAFFORD RAIN BOOTS

"WHEN IT RAINS,MY MOTHER PUTS PLASTIC BAGS

OVER MY SHOES...PUTS TAPE ON THE TOP."

SHE WAS, LIKE, "PLEASE...

"MY BROTHERS HAVE TO PLAYOUTSIDE IN SHIFTS

'CAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE PAIROF SHOES BETWEEN THEM."

I WAS, LIKE, "WE CAN'T AFFORDA TOASTER OR EGGS.

"SO, WE JUST POUR SYRUPON WHITE BREAD... CALL IT

'COULD HAVE BEEN FRENCH TOAST.'"

SHE WAS, LIKE

"THAT AIN'T NOTHING.

"WE CAN'T AFFORD COOKING OIL.

SO, MY MOTHER USESPETROLEUM JELLY."

I WAS, LIKE, "DAMN!

YOU GOT ME!"

'CAUSE WE STRUGGLED

BUT I AIN'T NEVER HADNO VASELINE-FRIED CHICKEN.

WHO ACTUALLY LIKESCLASSICAL MUSIC?

OKAY, SO, THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE.

I LOVE CLASSICAL MUSIC.

DON'T GET ME WRONG--I'M STILL BLACK.

YOU KNOW, I STILL KICK THE BASSAND PUMP UP THE VOLUME.

IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I'MIN MY CAR

AND THE WINDOWS ARE CLOSED,YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.

SO, I'M DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.

I STOP AT A LIGHT.

AN OLDER COUPLE PULLS UPNEXT TO ME.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND,ALL THEY CAN HEAR IS THE BASS

AND THEY SEE ME.

( popping bass tones )

NOW, THE WOMANON THE PASSENGER SIDE

SHE LOOKS ACROSS AT ME,AND SHE'S, LIKE...

( sighs )

IT'S THAT RAP... MUSIC... AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN I LET DOWNMY POWER WINDOWS.

( popping bass tones )

( singing aria in foreign language )

( cheering )

( singing continues )

BITCH.

I'M SEAN CULLEN.

I WANT TO REACH OUT TO YOU.

I WANT TO TOUCH YOU

BUT I DON'T WANTTO GO TO PRISON.

I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU.

SO, HOW CAN I DO THAT?

HOW CAN I REACH OUT TO YOU?

HOW CAN I FEEL YOU?

HOW CAN I KNOW YOU?

YOU, SIR, THROUGH SONG.

♪ THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFE TONIGHT

♪ YES, THE FOODOF YOUR CHOICE ♪

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

I'M GOING TO ASK YOUA SPECIAL QUESTION

AND I'M GOING TO NEEDYOUR ANSWER TONIGHT

AND I ASK YOU...

♪ FOR THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

YOU, SIR...

YOU, WITH YOUR LITTLE RED SHIRT

THAT SAYS,"HELLO, TALK TO ME"...

( laughing )

♪ TELL ME WHAT FOODWOULD END YOUR LIFE TONIGHT... ♪

♪ SUSHI... SUSHI.

♪ I WILL TAKE SUSHI

♪ AND I WILL CUT ITINTO RAZOR-THIN SLICES ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TUNA

♪ THEN I WILL TIE YOUTO A LARGE POLE ♪

♪ THEN I WILL TAKETHE RAZOR-THIN PIECES OF SUSHI ♪

♪ AND I WILL FLING THEMLIKE TINY FRISBEES ♪

♪ AND THEY WILL LACERATEYOUR SKIN ♪

♪ UNTIL YOU BLEED TO DEATH,CRYING ♪

♪ "OH, WASABI!"

♪ IT WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT ♪

♪ YES, THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YOU, MA'AM, YOU,WITH YOUR PURPLE SCARF ♪

♪ AS IF TO SAY,"MMM, I LOVE DONNY OSMOND" ♪

♪ WHAT FOOD WOULD ENDYOUR LIFE TONIGHT? ♪

♪ BACON BACON.

♪ I WILL TAKE BACON

♪ AND I WILL COVERMY ENTIRE NUDE BODY WITH IT ♪

♪ THEN I WILL COME

♪ TO YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT

♪ CREEP UP A DRAINPIPE

♪ COME IN THROUGH YOUR WINDOW

♪ STAND AT THE HEADOF YOUR BED ♪

♪ TAP YOU ON THE SHOULDER

♪ YOU WILL WAKE UP AND SCREAM

( screams )

♪ YOU WILL DIE IN FEAROF MY BACON-COATED BODY ♪

♪ AND THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YOU, SIR

♪ YOU, WITH YOUR HEAD COVEREDWITH HAIR ♪

♪ WHICH IS NORMALFOR A HUMAN BEING OF YOUR AGE ♪

♪ TELL ME WHAT FOOD WOULD ENDYOUR LIFE TONIGHT? ♪

LO MEIN.

♪ LO MEIN

♪ THE BEAUTIFULVIETNAMESE NOODLE DISH ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE THE NOODLES

♪ AND I WILL PUT THEMON A SMALL STICK ♪

♪ GLUE THEM AT THE CENTER

♪ SO THERE'S NOODLESSTICKING OUT ON EITHER SIDE ♪

♪ AND THEN WHEN THEY ARE NICEAND SOFT AND READY ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE THE STICKAND GO LIKE THIS... ♪

♪ COMING TOWARDS YOU

♪ AND YOU WILL RUN AND SCREAM

♪ BUT I WILL HAVE KEPT YOU

♪ IN A VERY SMALL ROOMWITH NO DOORS ♪

♪ AND I WILL WHIPYOUR NAKED FLESH ♪

♪ UNTIL YOU CRY OUT IN AGONY

♪ AND YOU WILL DIE SCREAMING

♪ AND I WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YES, THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ FOOD OF CHOICE.