Weinhold, Estime, Retta

  • 02/21/2000

I'M A CHILD OF THE '70s.

KIDS ARE SO LUCKY NOW, MAN.

ALL THEY GOT IS HOMEWORK.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL

BUT WE HAD HOMEWORK AND HOUSEWORK.

YOU GOIN' TO CLEAN SOMETHIN'.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT OUT THE HOUSEON SATURDAY-- YOU FINISHED.

WHETHER OR NOT I'M FINISHED,YOU HAD TO WALK FINISHED.

MY MOTHER WOULD SITIN THE LIVING ROOM

AND WAIT FOR YOUTO WALK UP TO HER...

YOUR WHOLE BODYGOT TO LOOK FINISHED.

YOU WALK UP TO HER,YOU GOT TO BE LIKE...

( laughter )

FINISHED.

MY MOTHER WAS A PSYCHOLOGIST,THOUGH.

"YOU FINISHED?GO ON OUTSIDE.

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED.

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED,GO ON OUTSIDE, GO AHEAD.

ARE YOU FINISHED?"

( laughter )

YOU GIVE HERTHAT "YES, NO" ANSWER.

( laughter )

"IF YOU'RE FINISHED,GO OUTSIDE."

"LET ME GO LOOK ONE MORE TIME."

I NOW LIVEIN LOS ANGELES AND, UH...

( laughter )

DIDN'T EXPECTA LAUGH THERE, BUT...

( laughter )

OH, AND I WAS KIND OF NERVOUSMOVING OUT THERE.

MY FRIENDSWERE VERY ENCOURAGING, THOUGH.

THEIR EXACT WORDS TO MEWHEN I MOVED OUT WERE:

"I HOPE THAT TOWNDOESN'T CHANGE YOU."

WHICH, OF COURSE,YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS--

BECOME EVILOR A JERK OR SOMETHING.

SO, I WANT TO DOSOME SORT OF PRANK

WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT ME.

WHEN THEY COME TO MY APARTMENT

I WANT TO BEIN A RED SMOKING JACKET

SITTING ON A THRONE OF BOYS,JUST-- "YES, HELLO."

( evil chuckling )

"THIS IS MIGUEL."

"CALL THE POLICE!CALL THE POLICE!"

"SHUT UP, MIGUEL.

"OH, HE'S BEING NAUGHTY AGAIN.

"I'M WICKED, YOU KNOW.

"AND YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SAY,IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM

THEN THEY'RE NOT TIED DOWNPROPERLY."

( evil chuckling )

( hoots and applause )

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO MEET WOMENIN LOS ANGELES

AND THAT'S REALLY TOUGH 'CAUSEEVERYONE'S JUST TOO BEAUTIFUL.

NO ONE CANJUST BE PRETTY IN L.A.

AND EVERYONE DRESSESREALLY SEXY, LIKE--

YOU KNOWWHAT I REALLY LOVE IS--

YOU KNOW THAT, LIKE,THAT BARE MIDRIFF LOOK?

GOD, I LOVE THAT, YOU KNOW

WITH THE BARE MIDRIFFAND THE PIERCED NAVEL.

YOU GO TO ANY DANCE CLUB OR BAR

AND YOU SEE WOMEN WORKING IT---

( laughter )

AND I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT.

I'M JUST LIKE... ARGH!

I'M LIKE THIS PERVERTED TROLL

JUST SKULKINGIN THE BACK OF THE ROOM--

( grunting )

I CAN'T EVEN THINKOF A PICKUP LINE.

JUST, "I'M DIRTY!"

WHICH RARELY WORKS.

SO, UH...

SO, AS A COMIC ON THE ROAD

A LOT OF TIMESYOU FIND COMICS AT STRIP CLUBS

AND I AM BECOMING A CONNOISSEUR

OF, I THINK, THE WORST ONESIN THE WORLD.

I FOUND THE WORST ONE EVERIN RENO, NEVADA.

A LITTLE HORRIBLE LITTLE SHACKBY THE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY--

JUST A SIGN THAT SAID "TOPLESS."

YOU GO IN THERE, AND, LIKE

YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BEBEAUTIFUL WOMEN--

IT'S JUST... OH, EVERYONE THEREIS, LIKE, EITHER WOUNDED

OR SOME SORT OF MUTANT.

THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, BULLET HOLESAND KNIFE GASHES

AND, LIKE, A NOSE ON THEIR ASS.

THERE'S A WOMAN ON STAGEWITH A BREAST AND A HOOK.

LIKE, "ARGH! ARGH!

WOULD YE BE WANTINGA LAP DANCE, MATEY? ARGH!"

I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITHSOME MARRIED FRIENDS OF MINE

AND I DON'T THINK IT'S GOINGTO HAPPEN FOR ME, NO.

IF YOU'RE THINKINGABOUT GETTING MARRIED

AND YOU WANT TO TALK YOURSELFOUT OF IT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO:

GO INTO ANY STORE WHOSE NAMEENDS WITH THE WORD "MART"

AND LOOK AT ANYONE

BECAUSE EVERY EXAMPLEOF A DESTROYED RELATIONSHIP

IS WALKING THE AISLESOF THESE STORES.

THERE'S NOBODY HAPPYAT ANY OF THESE CHAINS, EVER.

EVERYONE'S JUST MISERABLEAND DOWNTRODDEN.

THEY'RE THE CONSUMERSOF THE DAMNED.

ALL THE LIFE AND JOYBEATEN OUT OF THEM.

JUST SHUFFLING THROUGHTHOSE AISLES; JUST--

( moaning )

PLEASE LET ONE OF THOSE ITEMSFROM THOSE HIGH SHELVES

FALL AND KILL ME.

EXCUSE ME.WE'RE LOOKING FOR A SHED

TO STORE OUR BROKEN DREAMS.

THEY'RE THERE TO BUY STUFFTO BEAT EACH OTHER WITH.

SNOW CHAINS-- PERFECT.

SEE YOU ON COPS.

BUT IF I EVER DO GET MARRIED

I DON'T THINK I'M EVERGOING TO LIVE WITH THE PERSON

I THINK THAT'S...RIGHT OFF THE BAT, NO LIVING.

BECAUSE THE BEST TIMEOF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

IS WHEN YOU HAD YOUR OWN PLACE.

WASN'T THAT, LIKE--THAT WAS THE BEST TIME.

WHEN YOU HAD YOUR OWN PLACE

AND YOUR OWN STUFF WHEREYOU WANTED IT, WASN'T THAT?

AND YOU HADYOUR OWN SEPARATE LIVES.

AND YOU WOULD STILLSPEND TIME TOGETHER, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, YOU'D GO ON DATES,YOU'D GO ON TRIPS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'D HAVE SEXAT EACH OTHER'S PLACES

BUT THEN YOU GO HOME.

AND YOU GO, "GOD, I LOVE HER.

"AND I LOVE MY CABLEAND MY REFRIGERATOR

AND MY COUCH AND MY LIFE."

BUT THEN THEY MOVE IN

AND THEY'RE JUST RIGHTIN YOUR FACE THE ENTIRE TIME:

"HI, HI, HI, HI, HI,HI, HI, HI, HI, HI, HI!

"WE LIVE TOGETHER NOW!

"HI, HI, HI, HI, HI.

"HI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

"HOW ABOUT NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW,OR NOW?

"OR NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW,OR NOW?

"OR NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW?

"THAT WAS YESTERDAY.WHAT ABOUT NOW?

"OR NOW, OR NOW, OR NOW?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

"WHO WAS THAT THAT CALLED?

"WHY ARE PEOPLE CALLING HERE?

"WHY DO YOU KNOW OTHER PEOPLE?

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?"

PEOPLE ALWAYS HAPPEN TO FINDJESUS IN JAIL, DON'T THEY?

YOU KNOW,ESPECIALLY ON DEATH ROW

THAT'S WHEN THEY REALLY FINDJESUS, RIGHT THERE.

I REMEMBER THIS LADY IN TEXAS

SHE WAS TRYING TO GET OUTOF THIS DEATH EXECUTION--

TALKED ABOUT,"BUT I FOUND JESUS. I DID."

WELL, BITCH,NOW YOU'RE GOING TO MEET HIM.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACEWITH THAT.

NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO PUT MUSICAND RELIGION TOGETHER

WHICH IS COOL.

THEY GOT KIRK FRANKLIN-- R&B.

HE'S GOT A HOOK;HE'S HOT.

NOW THEY HAVE THIS NEW THINGCALLED HEAVY METAL GOSPEL.

YOU KNOW, LOOK, I LOVE JESUS.

I JUST DON'T WANTTO BE SCARED OF HIM.

JUST BE COMING AT ME:"ARE YOU READY TO PRAY?!"

( laughter )

"I SAID, ARE YOU FREAKIN'READY TO PRAY?!"

I SAID, "NO, NO.

MAMA, JESUS GOING TO GET ME!"

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

JUST COOL IT DOWN A LITTLE.COOL IT DOWN.

LIKE, HAVE A LITTLE,LIKE, REGGAE GOSPEL.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE MARLEY:

( imitating reggae beat )

( laughter )

♪ OH YEAH!

( imitating beat )

♪ OH LORD!

( laughter )

( cheering )

♪ JESUS

♪ MY SWEET JESUS

♪ WHOA, HE DIED

♪ YES, HE DIED

♪ COME NOW!

( laughter )

♪ THEY NAILED HIM

♪ WHOA, THEY NAILED HIM

♪ OH, ONTO THE CROSS

♪ AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID ♪

♪ AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID ♪

♪ YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE SAID? ♪

♪ HE SAID, "OW, OW, OW!"

♪ THESE THINGS HURT

♪ TAKE IT AWAY, APOSTLES!

♪ OW, OW, OW... ♪

( cheers and applause )

THEY DON'T MESS AROUND.

MY FATHER DON'T MESS AROUND.

YOU KNEW WHEN MY FATHER WAS MAD

'CAUSE HE COULDN'T, LIKE,COMPLETE A SENTENCE.

HE WOULD GO SOMETHING LIKE,"HEY..."

( grunting )

( laughter and scattered applause )

YOU KNEW THAT WAS YOUR ASSRIGHT THERE.

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

( jabbering )

"I GOT TO GO INSIDE."

MY FATHER DIDN'T PLAY, MAN.

MY FATHER WAS LIKE,THERE WAS NO GAY.

HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND,LIKE, HOMOSEXUALITY.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIMEMY FATHER SAW TWO DUDES KISSING

HE JUST LOST HIS MIND.

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HE WAS, LIKE,"OH MY GOD, EXCUSE ME, SIR?

"SIR, YOU ARE KISSINGANOTHER MAN.

"SIR... POLICE!

"POLICE, DO YOU SEE THESE?!

"MY SON... EH, LOOK AT THAT!

MY SON IS WATCHING!"

AND I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD,HE LOOKED AT ME--

"IF YOU EVER KISS ANOTHER MAN"I KILL YOU, OKAY?

"I PLUCK YOUR EYES OUT,DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

HE DON'T PLAY AROUND.

THAT'S WHYHE DON'T LIKE RICHARD SIMMONS.

MY FATHER CAN'T STANDRICHARD SIMMONS.

"WHAT IS THIS GUY? WHAT?

"HE'S LIKE A GAY CHIA PET.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?"

( laughter )

RICHARD SIMMONS,HE GET ON MY NERVES.

RICHARD SIMMONS IS JUST TOO GAY.

THAT'S WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM.

SEE, I DON'T CAREIF HE'S NOT GAY OR NOT

HE'S JUST TOO DAMN HAPPY.

HE'S SO GAY, GAY PEOPLE GO,"YOU'RE A ( bleep )."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW?

WHEN I TALK ABOUT THINGS

WE GOT TO UNDERSTAND THINGS,MAN.

LIKE THIS "N" WORD THING.

EVERYBODY WHO GOES CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHO REALLY GOES CRAZYOVER THE "N" WORD?

WHITE PEOPLE.

THEY GET OFFENDED BY THIS WORD,'CAUSE I KNOW SOME BROTHERS

WE USE THIS WORD LIKEIT'S THE WORD "AND," YOU KNOW.

WE JUST THROW IT IN, "NIGGER,NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER."

THEY GO, "WHAT?! WHO, WHAT?!"

ME AND MY BROTHER WERE TALKINGLIKE THIS IN A RESTAURANT

THIS WHITE DUDE JUST LOST IT.

HE WAS LIKE, "ENOUGH!

"I AM TIRED OF THIS.

WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVING IN?"

I GO, "WHAT'S WRONGWITH THE NIGGER HERE?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?"

WE GOT TO UNDERSTANDONE ANOTHER.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVETO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND,LIKE, THEY HAVE THE...

I DON'T LIKE COMPUTERS

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLECAN GET ON COMPUTERS.

SOME IDIOTS CAN GETON COMPUTERS.

I SAW THIS THING,THEY HAD A WEBSITE

FOR ARYAN NATIONS AND THE KLAN.

A WHITE TRASH WEBSITEAIN'T TOO PRETTY.

AND I HATE WHEN THEY GO

"WELL, WE'RE CIVILIZED,THEY'RE ANIMALS".

YEAH, CIVILIZED.

LIKE THERE'S AN OPERA THEREAT THE KLAN PICNIC, YOU KNOW.

YOU NEVER SEE THIS:

♪ HEY, NIGARO

( laughter )

♪ NIGARO

♪ JIGABOO

♪ NIGARO

♪ JUNGLE BUNNY

♪ NIGARO

♪ HEY, HEY,LOOK AT THE COON ♪

♪ NIGARO

♪ COTTON PICKER

♪ NIGARO, SAMBO

♪ AMOS AND ANDY, MICHAELJACKSON, BELIEVE IT OR NOT ♪

♪ NIGARO.

GROWING UP,MY PARENTS WEREN'T WEALTHY.

SO, THEY HAD TO FIND WAYSTO SAVE ON THE BARE ESSENTIALS.

MY MOTHER NEVER BOUGHTANYTHING BRAND-NAME--

FOOD, CLOTHING, WHATEVER.

I REMEMBER IN SECOND GRADE,SOME KIDS WERE TALKING

ABOUT WONDER BREAD THISAND WONDER BREAD THAT

AND I HAD NEVER HEARD OF IT.

I WAS WONDERING WHAT THE HELLTHEY WERE TALKING ABOUT...

'CAUSE OUR FAMILY GOTTAYSTEE BREAD--

T-A-Y-S-T-E-E.

FIRST OF ALL, THEY CAN'T SPELL,AND SECOND OF ALL, IT WASN'T.

THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT"WE KNOW YOUR ASS IS BROKE

AND THIS ISALL YOU CAN AFFORD BREAD"...

AND MY MOTHER ALWAYS GOTPOWDERED MILK, AND I HATED IT

BUT WHEN WE RAN OUT,MY BROTHER AND I

WOULD SUBSTITUTENON-DAIRY CREAMER.

WHAT THE HELL ISNON-DAIRY CREAMER?

I ONCE ASKED THE GUYAT THE GROCERY STORE.

I WAS, LIKE, "YOU KNOW,WHAT IS NON-DAIRY CREAMER?"

HE WAS, LIKE, "WELL,I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT IT IS

"BUT I CAN TELL YOUWHAT IT AIN'T--

DAIRY."

I'M THINKING HE OPTED

AGAINST THE Ph.D....

BUT THINK ABOUT IT:"NON-DAIRY" "CREAMER"--

TWO WORDSTHAT SHOULD NOT BE USED

TO DESCRIBE THE SAME PRODUCT...

KIND OF LIKE "TURKEY BACON."

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ONON THAT FARM?

WHO'S DOING WHO?

I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S DOING WHO

'CAUSE I GET A MENTAL PICTUREOF A PIG IN MACK-DADDY MODE.

HEY!

( clucking )

YEAH, GIRL.

WHAT'S UP?

( clucking )

AND MY FATHER REFUSEDTO GET AIR CONDITIONING

AND THEN TRIED TO CONVINCE USTHAT WE DIDN'T NEED IT.

HE SAID,"WHAT DO YOU NEED A.C. FOR?

THE BODY'S GOTIT'S OWN COOLING MECHANISM."

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"SWEATING."

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU FIRST GETOUT OF THE SHOWER

YOU'RE ALWAYS COLD

BECAUSE THE MOISTUREON YOUR SKIN IS EVAPORATING

THEREBY COOLING THE BODY DOWN.

USING THIS SAME LOGIC

MY FATHER REFUSEDTO TURN UP THE HEAT

BECAUSE THE BODY HADITS OWN HEATING MECHANISM--

SHIVERING.

HE'D SAY, "I SEEYOUR TEETH ARE CHATTERING.

"YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

"HEAT.

"KINETIC ENERGY.

I BET YOUR TONGUE AIN'T COLD,IS IT?"

BUT, YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU GROW UPUNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES

YOU TEND TO BE AROUND OTHERS

WHO ARE STRUGGLING AS WELL--WE CALL THAT "THE HOOD"-- UM

AND THE KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOODUSED TO COMPETE

AS TO WHO WAS OVERCOMINGTHE MOST ADVERSITY

AND I REMEMBER HAVINGTHIS ARGUMENT WITH THIS GIRL.

I TOLD HER, "SINCE WE CAN'TAFFORD RAIN BOOTS

"WHEN IT RAINS,MY MOTHER PUTS PLASTIC BAGS

OVER MY SHOES...PUTS TAPE ON THE TOP."

SHE WAS, LIKE, "PLEASE...

"MY BROTHERS HAVE TO PLAYOUTSIDE IN SHIFTS

'CAUSE THEY ONLY HAVE ONE PAIROF SHOES BETWEEN THEM."

I WAS, LIKE, "WE CAN'T AFFORDA TOASTER OR EGGS.

"SO, WE JUST POUR SYRUPON WHITE BREAD... CALL IT

'COULD HAVE BEEN FRENCH TOAST.'"

SHE WAS, LIKE

"THAT AIN'T NOTHING.

"WE CAN'T AFFORD COOKING OIL.

SO, MY MOTHER USESPETROLEUM JELLY."

I WAS, LIKE, "DAMN!

YOU GOT ME!"

'CAUSE WE STRUGGLED

BUT I AIN'T NEVER HADNO VASELINE-FRIED CHICKEN.

WHO ACTUALLY LIKESCLASSICAL MUSIC?

OKAY, SO, THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE.

I LOVE CLASSICAL MUSIC.

DON'T GET ME WRONG--I'M STILL BLACK.

YOU KNOW, I STILL KICK THE BASSAND PUMP UP THE VOLUME.

IT'S JUST THAT WHEN I'MIN MY CAR

AND THE WINDOWS ARE CLOSED,YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.

SO, I'M DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.

I STOP AT A LIGHT.

AN OLDER COUPLE PULLS UPNEXT TO ME.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND,ALL THEY CAN HEAR IS THE BASS

AND THEY SEE ME.

( popping bass tones )

NOW, THE WOMANON THE PASSENGER SIDE

SHE LOOKS ACROSS AT ME,AND SHE'S, LIKE...

( sighs )

IT'S THAT RAP... MUSIC... AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN I LET DOWNMY POWER WINDOWS.

( popping bass tones )

( singing aria in foreign language )

( cheering )

( singing continues )

BITCH.

I'M SEAN CULLEN.

I WANT TO REACH OUT TO YOU.

I WANT TO TOUCH YOU

BUT I DON'T WANTTO GO TO PRISON.

I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU.

SO, HOW CAN I DO THAT?

HOW CAN I REACH OUT TO YOU?

HOW CAN I FEEL YOU?

HOW CAN I KNOW YOU?

YOU, SIR, THROUGH SONG.

♪ THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFE TONIGHT

♪ YES, THE FOODOF YOUR CHOICE ♪

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

I'M GOING TO ASK YOUA SPECIAL QUESTION

AND I'M GOING TO NEEDYOUR ANSWER TONIGHT

AND I ASK YOU...

♪ FOR THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

YOU, SIR...

YOU, WITH YOUR LITTLE RED SHIRT

THAT SAYS,"HELLO, TALK TO ME"...

( laughing )

♪ TELL ME WHAT FOODWOULD END YOUR LIFE TONIGHT... ♪

♪ SUSHI... SUSHI.

♪ I WILL TAKE SUSHI

♪ AND I WILL CUT ITINTO RAZOR-THIN SLICES ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TUNA

♪ THEN I WILL TIE YOUTO A LARGE POLE ♪

♪ THEN I WILL TAKETHE RAZOR-THIN PIECES OF SUSHI ♪

♪ AND I WILL FLING THEMLIKE TINY FRISBEES ♪

♪ AND THEY WILL LACERATEYOUR SKIN ♪

♪ UNTIL YOU BLEED TO DEATH,CRYING ♪

♪ "OH, WASABI!"

♪ IT WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT ♪

♪ YES, THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YOU, MA'AM, YOU,WITH YOUR PURPLE SCARF ♪

♪ AS IF TO SAY,"MMM, I LOVE DONNY OSMOND" ♪

♪ WHAT FOOD WOULD ENDYOUR LIFE TONIGHT? ♪

♪ BACON BACON.

♪ I WILL TAKE BACON

♪ AND I WILL COVERMY ENTIRE NUDE BODY WITH IT ♪

♪ THEN I WILL COME

♪ TO YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT

♪ CREEP UP A DRAINPIPE

♪ COME IN THROUGH YOUR WINDOW

♪ STAND AT THE HEADOF YOUR BED ♪

♪ TAP YOU ON THE SHOULDER

♪ YOU WILL WAKE UP AND SCREAM

( screams )

♪ YOU WILL DIE IN FEAROF MY BACON-COATED BODY ♪

♪ AND THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YOU, SIR

♪ YOU, WITH YOUR HEAD COVEREDWITH HAIR ♪

♪ WHICH IS NORMALFOR A HUMAN BEING OF YOUR AGE ♪

♪ TELL ME WHAT FOOD WOULD ENDYOUR LIFE TONIGHT? ♪

LO MEIN.

♪ LO MEIN

♪ THE BEAUTIFULVIETNAMESE NOODLE DISH ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE THE NOODLES

♪ AND I WILL PUT THEMON A SMALL STICK ♪

♪ GLUE THEM AT THE CENTER

♪ SO THERE'S NOODLESSTICKING OUT ON EITHER SIDE ♪

♪ AND THEN WHEN THEY ARE NICEAND SOFT AND READY ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE THE STICKAND GO LIKE THIS... ♪

♪ COMING TOWARDS YOU

♪ AND YOU WILL RUN AND SCREAM

♪ BUT I WILL HAVE KEPT YOU

♪ IN A VERY SMALL ROOMWITH NO DOORS ♪

♪ AND I WILL WHIPYOUR NAKED FLESH ♪

♪ UNTIL YOU CRY OUT IN AGONY

♪ AND YOU WILL DIE SCREAMING

♪ AND I WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ YES, THE FOOD OF YOUR CHOICE

♪ WILL END YOUR LIFETONIGHT... ♪

♪ FOOD OF CHOICE.

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