Bob Odenkirk & Janeane Garofalo

  • Season 1, Ep 0139
  • 02/24/1992

SOME KIDS JUST FLEW OVERFROM ARSENIO.

( laughter )

THEY'RE BARKING AT ME.

OH, LOOK... GREAT TATTOO.

I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT BEFORE.

WHY WOULD I?

YOU'RE SITTING IN THE BACK,I COULDN'T SEE.

WHAT, DO I HAVE X-RAY VISION?

WHAT IS THAT-- A CAT?

THAT'S ONE SOLID TATTOO, LADY.

YOU'RE INTO A LITTLE BITOF MASOCHISM, JUST A LITTLE.

OR DID YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF?

YOU'RE SADISTIC, BUT YOUCOULDN'T FIND ANYBODY ELSE?

WHAT'S THAT?

( inaudible )

I BET YOU WERE.

YOU WERE IN PRISON.

YOU JUST MEANT TO DOA COUPLE TEARDROPS

BUT IT TURNED INTOA CAT WITH A HAT.

( laughter )

A VERY FUNKY TOP HAT.

THAT'S WILD.

WHERE DID YOU HAVE THAT DONE?IN TOWN?

ANOTHER TOWN?

( inaudible )

WHAT?

( inaudible )

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS

BUT I'D LIKE TO FIND HERAND SMACK HER

FOR DOING THAT TO YOU.

WHAT A HORRIBLE THINGTO DO TO SOMEBODY.

DID THEY HAVE YOUTIED DOWN AT THE TIME?

WERE YOU, LIKE, ON MIND CONTROLDRUGS OR SOMETHING?

WHAT WOULD POSSESS SOMEBODYTO DO A SOLID TATTOO?

ESPECIALLY A WOMAN-- A FRAIL LITTLE THING YOU ARE.

DO YOU WORK OUT?

NO, YOU DON'T.

ONE OF THE FEW WOMENIN LOS ANGELES

WHO DOESN'T, OBVIOUSLY.

OF COURSE, I WORK OUT TOO--

AT GOLD'S GYM INNORTH HOLLYWOOD, YOU KNOW.

( hooting )

NOW I WON'T GETA WORKOUT IN PEACE.

NO, BUT ALL THE WOMEN THERE,THEY COME COMPLETELY COIFFED

WITH NAILS,AND DO THE WHOLE NUMBER.

WHEN THEY SWEAT, THEYIMMEDIATELY KIND OF BLOT IT UP

AND THEY'RE REAL BITCHY, LIKE,"OH, WOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHO ARE YOU WORKING OUT WITH?"

THEY JUST, LIKE, REALLYGIVE YOU MAJOR ATTITUDE.

PUSH YOU OUT OF THE WAY

WEARING HIGH HEELS WHILETHEY WORK OUT AND STUFF.

( laughter )

AND THEY'RE REAL DUMB, TOO.

IF THEY'RE THERE INTHE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

AND THEY'RE NOT ACTRESSES,YOU KNOW THEY'RE REALLY DUMB.

OF COURSE, EVEN THE ACTRESSESTHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

INCLUDING ME,ARE PRETTY STUPID, SO...

WELCOME TO THE SHOWTHIS EVENING.

I KNOW I LOOK

LIKE A TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS,MAYBE AN ACCOUNTANT OR A LAWYER

BUT IN EFFECT, ACTUALLY,I AM A MODERN-DAY HILLBILLY.

( laughter )

WE'RE VERY HIGH-TECH NOW,THINGS HAVE CHANGED AND...

SORRY, JUST ONE SECOND.

REMEMBER TO CALL JETHRO.

PICK YOUR FEET TOMORROW,AROUND 2:15

AND CHECK ON THAT FEUD.

OKAY, UM...

I ACTUALLY COME FROM A LARGE FAMILY, RAISED CATHOLIC

WHICH MEANS I'M AN ATHEIST NOW.

( laughter )

I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.

UM... BUT I DO COMEFROM A LARGE FAMILY

AND WE HAD A LOT OF FUN

AND, YOU KNOW, I THINKMY DAD LOOKED AT KIDS

AS KIND OF ADDITIONS TOHIS TOOL KIT, YOU KNOW?

27 YEARS AGO, HE WALKED OUTON THE FRONT PORCH AND SAID

"WELL, I COULD MOW THAT LAWN

"BUT IT'S JUST GOINGTO GROW BACK AGAIN.

"OR I COULD GO BACK TO BEDAND GAMBLE SOME SPERM

"AND MAKE A LITTLELAWN-MOWING MACHINE

THAT'LL DO ITFOR THE NEXT 27 YEARS."

AND SO HE HAD ALL OF US.

BUT WE HAD A LOT OF FUN

AND REALLY, THAT'S WHEREI GET MY HUMOR FROM, AND...

I'M JUST GOINGTO CHEW SOME GUM, OKAY?

BECAUSE IT'SA LITTLE DRY UP HERE.

BUT I'D LIKE TO SHARE SOMEOF THOSE STORIES WITH YOU NOW.

GET SOME IDEA OF SORT OFWHERE I GET MY HUMOR FROM

AND, YOU KNOW,WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH ME.

ONE TIME...

OKAY, THIS IS A VERY FUNNY ONE.

MY FRIEND...MY FRIEND MORT HAD THIS CAMERA.

I THINK HE'D INHERITED IT.

AND HE WAS TAKING PICTURESOF EVERYTHING

AND I SAID, "HEY, MORT,GET A PICTURE OF ME

BUT MAKE SURE YOU GETMY BEST SIDE."

AND THEN HE MADE A JOKE.

HE SAID, "OH, WHY DOYOU WANT A PICTURE

OF THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD?"

( laughing )

JUST REMEMBER, WE WERELITTLE KIDS AT THE TIME

SO IT WAS VERY FUNNY TO US.

I'LL SHARE ANOTHER ONE WITH YOU.

MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE SOME FEELINGFOR WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE.

OKAY, OKAY, I THINK YOU'RE GOINGTO LIKE THIS ONE, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, ONE TIME I CAME HOME

AND MY FRIEND MORT WASWATCHING TV, YOU KNOW?

AND I SAID, "HEY, MORT,WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

HE GOES, "WELL, IT'SAN OLD MYSTERY MOVIE.

THE BEST PART'SCOMING RIGHT UP."

I SAID, "OH, YEAH?IS THAT THE MURDER?"

AND HE GOES,"NO, IT'S THE COMMERCIAL.

I'M STARVED!"

( guffaws )

YOU LIKE THAT?

( laughter )

( laughing )

( mumbling through gum: )ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE.

OKAY, ONE TIME MORT AND I,WE WERE ABOUT 16, YOU KNOW?

WE WERE DRIVING THESE CARS,WE HAD A BIG ACCIDENT.

I HAD A BLUE CAR

AND HE HAD A RED...LIME GREEN, LIKE.

I COULD NEVER TELLWHAT COLOR IT WAS.

AND I GOT OUT OF THE CAR ANDI GO, "SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?"

AND HE GOES, "WE EXCHANGENAMES AND NUMBERS."

AND SO I SAID,"OH, FROM NOW ON I GOT TO BE YOU

AND YOU GOT TO BE ME."

YOU GOT A NECKLACEWITH THAT ONE.

( applause )

YEAH, YOU LIKE IT?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

ONE TIME MY FRIEND MORT,HE HAD THIS CAMERA

AND HE'S SNAPPING PICTURESOF EVERYBODY-- SNAP HAPPY.

AND I GO, "HEY, MORT,TAKE MY PICTURE."

( laughter )

DID I ALREADY TELL THAT ONE?

( laughter )

THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME.

( scattered applause )

YOU CAN APPLAUD.

( laughter )

( groans )

PULLED MY HEART OUT.

OKAY.

THIS IS NOT A GROWTH.

UM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I HAVE BEEN PREPARING

A HISTORIC ONE-MAN SHOW

TO TEACH THE KIDSABOUT, YOU KNOW

SOME OF THE POPULARFIGURES IN AMERICAN HISTORY

AND MY FIRST SHOW IS A TRIBUTE

TO THE 16th PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES

ABRAHAM Q. LINCOLN.

NOW, BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEPFROM BOREDOM

JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT

LET ME TELL YOU THATIT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

UNLIKE MOST ONE-MAN TRIBUTES

THAT ARE BASED ON THOROUGHRESEARCH OF OBSCURE TEXT

AND ONLY MAKE THE AUDIENCE

FEEL STUPID, CONFUSED AND ANGRY

MY ONE-MAN SHOW IS BASEDON COMMON KNOWLEDGE.

IT DEPICTS WHAT I THINK LINCOLNMIGHT HAVE THOUGHT AND SAID.

MOST OF MY RESEARCH WAS DONE

FROM READING THE BACKSOF PROMOTIONAL CUPS

AT FAMILY RESTAURANTS

AND MY SHOW IS CALLED"ABE LINCOLN IN MY OWN WORDS."

I'D LIKE TO SHOWSOME OF YOU NOW.

BY THE WAY, SAY GOOD-BYETO ME FOR A FEW MINUTES.

( in deep voice: )OH, HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

I HOPE YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN.

I'VE BEEN DEAD A LONG TIME.

I WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN,MADE OF LOGS.

AS A BOY, THEY NICKNAMED ME"RAIL-SPLITTER"

BECAUSE I COULDSPLIT RAILS WITH MY HEAD.

ONCE I WALKED A LONG WAYTO RETURN A BOOK--

A BOOK I'D FOUND.

( scattered laughter )

16th PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

OH, LUCKY DAY!

CONFOUND THIS CIVIL WAR.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE COUNTRY'SBEING TORN INTO TWO.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, WHAT CHILDREN NEEDIS A FUN TOY TO PLAY WITH

SOMETHING THEY CAN BUILD WITH.

I'VE GOT IT-- LITTLE LOGS!

QUICKLY, MARY, HAND METHAT MIRROR AND A PENNY.

IT'S TRUE, I'VE LOST WEIGHT.

( laughter )

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

MY PERSONAL SECRETARYIS NAMED KENNEDY?

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

( scattered laughter )

CHILDREN, GATHER ROUND.

I'VE WRITTEN A POEM.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?

"LINCOLN, LINCOLN,I'VE BEEN THINKING

"WHAT THE HECKHAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

"IS IT WATER, IS IT WINE?

OH, MY GOD, IT'S TURPENTINE."

SCARY POEM.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE THEATER.

I CERTAINLY HOPEI HAVE GOOD SEATS

AND I DON'T GET SHOTIN THE BACK OF THE HEAD

BY JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND I SPELL COOL WITH A "K."

ALL RIGHT, SO...BECAUSE I'M A COMIC, WITH A "K."

ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

OKAY.

SO I JUST WANTTO START OFF WITH THIS

AND THEN WE'LL JUMP RIGHT IN

BUT PEDESTRIANS' RIGHTS,I GOT TO ADDRESS THIS ISSUE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE ON THE FENCEI AM ABOUT THAT.

I SUPPOSE IF I'M WALKING,I'M ALL FOR IT

BUT IF I'M DRIVING

THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHERCAN OF WORMS RIGHT THERE.

BUT LET ME JUST SAYTHE FOLLOWING.

IF I DO HAVE TO GOAT A BREAKNECK PACE

TO GET HERE TO DO THIS SHOW

AND I HAVE TO STOP YET AGAINON MY ARDUOUS JOURNEY DOWN PICO

TO LET YOU CROSS

DON'T MILK IT, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE,DON'T MOSEY, DON'T AMBLE.

I WANT TO SEE SPARKS FLYINGOFF THOSE REEBOKS, ALL RIGHT?

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,I'D LOVE TO KILL YOU.

IT'S JUST...

I DON'T WANT PEOPLEBOYCOTTING MY ALBUM.

OKAY, SO...

BUT MY FANTASY IS,RIGHT BEFORE I DO TAKE YOU OUT

THE THING I WANTTO HEAR YOU SAY IS:

"THEY HAVE TO STOP..."

BOOM!

WHAT? CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( groaning )

AND AS PER USUAL, I GET PINNEDIN LATE AFTERNOON TRAFFIC

RIGHT BEHIND THE TOYOTA PICKUPOF MIGRANT WORKERS FACING ME.

ALWAYS.

AND I'M JUST NOTSELF-ACTUALIZED ENOUGH

TO HANDLE THAT GRACEFULLY.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, "OH, MAN!"

LET'S PLAY WITH THE FICTITIOUSTAPE DECK FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

IT'LL ALL GO AWAY.

IT'S AN UGLY THING.

SO ANYWAY, MY ONLY REGRET ISTHAT IT'S NOT 90210 NIGHT.

I JUST WISH...

BECAUSE UNTIL THURSDAY

IT'S ALL GRAY AREAAS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

AND I DON'T KNOWHOW I GOT SO LUCKY

TO GET 90210 AND MTV'S THE REAL WORLD BACK TO BACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHATGOOD THING I'VE DONE

TO DESERVE THAT, RIGHT IN A ROW,AND THEN...

I WATCH 90210AND I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

AARON SPELLING,GOD BLESS HIM-- BARUCH HASHEM--

IS THE DEVIL.

AND I'D SAY HE'S PROBABLYA VERY NICE GUY

BUT HE'S A RATINGS KING.

HE KNOWS FROM WHENCEHIS BREAD IS BUTTERED.

BUT STILL HE'S THE GODFATHEROF JIGGLE TELEVISION

AND I GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

SO THE THING IS,IS WHAT BOTHERS ME

IS HIS OWN DAUGHTER,LITTLE TORI...

LOVELY SIDEBURNS, BY THE WAY.

JUST PERFECT, PERFECT.

SHE'S JUST... SHE'S THE HEPPEST.

HER NECK IS NOT QUITEAS SLENDER AS LUKE'S

BUT SHE HAS THAT GOING.

SO, THE THING ISTHAT BOTHERS ME, OKAY

AARON SPELLING, HER DADDY

IS IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLEENCHILADA OVER THERE.

DO YOU SEE THE KIND OF SWEEPSWEEK ATTIRE HE ENCOURAGES

IN HIS OWN LITTLE DAUGHTER?

DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE WORE

AT THE CHRISTMAS TREEDECORATING PARTY?

LITTLE TARTAN HOT PANTS,NO TIGHTS.

TOTAL WEDGIE THE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHY HER FATHERWANTS TO MAKE SURE?

SO THAT WHILE SHE'S HANGINGTHE STAR ON THE TREE

WE ENSURE THAT THERE'S LEGIONSOF 14-YEAR-OLD BOYS

WHACKING ITALL OVER THIS COUNTRY

AND THE RATINGS GOTHROUGH THE ROOF.

SEE? SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M JUST SO THANKFUL

THAT IN MY DAY IT WAS WELCOME BACK, KOTTER.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY.

( applause )

BECAUSE, UH...

THANK YOU.

IT'S NOT REALLY HARDTO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES

WHEN THEY'RE WEARINGJORDACHE JEANS, CLOGS

BIG JUMBO COMB,VELOUR COWL NECK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THATBAD ABOUT YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, SOMEBODY EXPLAINGARTH BROOKS?

I'M WILLING TO LISTEN.

I'LL WAIT BY THE BAR OUTSIDE.

IF SOMEBODY'S GOT A GOODEXPLANATION, I'LL WAIT.

AND BILLY RAY CYRUS.

AGAIN, WHAT...

DO YOU KNOW ANYBODYTHAT BUYS BILLY RAY CYRUS?

I DON'T GET IT, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I'M RIGHTAND SOMEBODY'S WRONG, BUT I...

AND YOU KNOW WHATMY LOT IN LIFE IS?

OKAY, THIS IS THE POINT.

WHEN YOU DIE,APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE

THAT YOUR HELL IS WHATEVERYOUR MIND'S EYE OF HELL IS.

AND UNFORTUNATELY,I'VE COME FACE-TO-FACE

WITH WHAT MY HELL IS, ALL RIGHT?

I AM GOING TO BE SENTENCEDTO THE STAIRMASTER RING

OF DANTE'S INFERNO--

WHERE I HAVE TO GETON A STAIRMASTER

AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAPEMY FEET TO THE PEDALS.

AND THE ONLY MUSIC I GET

IS MICHAEL BOLTON,KARAOKE-STYLE, FROM A...

( laughter )

DRUNKEN SECRETARYON MARGARITA NIGHT

AND THAT'S GOING TO BE IT.

ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

ALL RIGHT, I ADMITI'VE BEEN IN A HEALTH CLUB.

I SO MUCH AM NOT LIKE THATAND I DON'T BUY INTO IT

BUT I ADMIT IT,I'M WEAK SOMETIMES, TOO

AND I JOINED A HEALTH CLUB.

I DON'T GO OR ANYTHING,BUT I DID JOIN

AND I REALIZE THATSTAIRMASTER TIME IS, IN FACT

THE SLOWEST INCREMENTOF TIME KNOWN TO MAN.

IT JUST HANGS THERE.

AND IF I HEAR ONE MORESTUPID CONVERSATION

IN THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOMABOUT FOOD-RELATED ISSUES

I'M GOING TO HAVETO SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THE HEAD.

AND LAST NIGHT I WENTTO A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THIS ISN'T A JOKE,BUT I GOT TO SAY IT.

IT'S LIKE A HENRY JAGLOM FILM.

LAST NIGHT I WENTTO A BIRTHDAY PARTY

AND THIS GIRLBROUGHT A CHEESECAKE

AND THE OTHER GIRLS--I SWEAR TO GOD, ALL NIGHT LONG:

"THAT CAKE'S NOTSTAYING IN THIS HOUSE!"

LIKE IT'S THIS EVIL HOPE DIAMOND

NUCLEAR, HORRIFYING,CURSED THING.

"THE CAKE IS NOT STAYINGIN THIS HOUSE!

"SHE'S ALONE IN THE HOUSEWITH THE CAKE!

"IT'S IN THE HOUSE!

DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!"

IT'S LIKE THIS HORRIBLEHORROR FILM

OF THE CAKE IN THE HOUSE.

GET CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER IN THEREAND AGAIN, BOX OFFICE GOLD.

FAT IS EVIL, IT'S EVIL.

IF YOU'RE AN OVERWEIGHTWOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY

YOU ARE DIRT,AND YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EYESORE.

WHERE'S THE JOKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST PISSED RIGHT NOWBECAUSE...

( cheering and applause )

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