Dorm Daze

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 01/14/2015

When the guys head to the North Rancho College Job Fair on business, Ders feuds with Coast Guard officers while Adam and Blake pursue their dreams elsewhere on campus.

- DUDE, YOU EVEN GUESSEDBEST DONG-UMENTARY.

- YES, WELL, 12 INCHES A SLAVEWAS A NO-BRAINER, BUT

I'LL ADMIT IT, HAVINGA PORNOGRAPHIC MEMORY

DOESN'T HURT.I CANNOT FORGET A DICK.

- WHICH IS CRAZY, 'CAUSE YOUCAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE,

RIGHT?- YEAH, NO, I CAN'T REMEMBER

WHAT I ATE FOR BREAKFAST.I CAN'T REMEMBER, LIKE,

MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER,WHICH IS AN ISSUE SOMETIMES,

BUT I REMEMBER, LIKE, EVERYFRAME OF THE PORNO THAT

I CRANKED DOWN TO IN THE MIRRORLAST NIGHT.

- DID YOU JUST SAY YOU CRANKDOWN IN THE MIRROR?

- YOU GUYS DON'T CRANK DOWNIN THE MIRROR?

OKAY, I'LL TEACH YOU SOMETHING.

- ALL RIGHT,SO YOU ARE THE MIRROR.

- UH-HUH.- OKAY?

AND THIS, RIGHT HERE,THE SCREEN, THAT'S WHERE

ALL THE PORNO'S HAPPENING.SO I PUT A LITTLE PORNO

BACK HERE AND I LOOKIN THE MIRROR,

AND IT'S LIKE I'M IN THE PORNO.IT'S LIKE A POP PORNO.

AND THEN I'M LOOKING AT MYSELFAT THE SAME TIME,

AND GOING LIKE, "YOU'REHAVING FUN, THIS IS FUN.

LOOK AT YOU."- SURE.

- SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK,BUT VERY COOL.

- IT'S NOT.- I LIKE TO JUST SQUEEZE IT

TILL IT POPS.AND MOVE ON, YOU KNOW?

- IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT A LOT.- IT'S A LITTLE OVERWHELMING

FOR ME, SO, IF WE COULD,IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND...

- ABSOLUTELY.- I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU

ABOUT THE GIANT BAGYOU BROUGHT TO WORK.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?- HELLO, IT'S MY COSTUME BAG

FROM MY THEATER DAYS.- UH-OH.

- WHEN WE WERE WATCHING THE AVN AWARDS IT KIND OF GOT

THE OLD ACTOR JUICES A-FLOWIN.

- I HAD DIFFERENT JUICESFLOWING.

SEMEN.- ME TOO.

- [bad Australian accent]DO YOU REMEMBER SYDNEY,

THE AUSTRALIAN TOUR GUIDE?

- I DO.- GOOD DAY, MATE.

OH, AND CRIKEY,IS THAT A DIDGERIDOO?

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?- [normal voice] HUH?

- ANDERS, I GOT A MISSIONFOR YOU, STRETCH.

- UH, MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.- I'M SENDING YOU

TO THE NORTH RANCHO COLLEGEJOB FAIR TO RECRUIT

SOME NEW EMPLOYEES.- WOW, OKAY.

- GRAB A COUPLE OF PEOPLETO HELP YOU GET CONTACT INFO

ON 100 PEOPLE INTERESTEDIN WORKING HERE.

- YOU GOT IT, I WILL ASSEMBLEMY TEAM RIGHT NOW.

- GREAT.

- WE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE,WE GOING BACK TO COLLEGE.

[grunts rhythmically]- YES, YES.

♪ COME MAKE PHONE CALLSWITH ME ♪

COME ON AND JOINTHE TELAMERICAN ARMY,

WHERE THE FRONT LINEIS THE LANDLINE.

IT'S PHONES. YOU JUST MAKEPHONE CALLS ALL DAY.

- HEY, ARMY MAN.- YEAH?

- DO YOU TAKE REQUESTS?

- 'CAUSE I REQUEST YOU TAKE THATMIC AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

- WELL, WHO ARE YOU GUYS?OH, U.S. COAST GUARD!

COOL, I GET IT.

'CAUSE YOU GUYS COASTON THE BACKS OF THE PEOPLE

WHO REALLY GUARD OUR COUNTRY.- [laughs]

- OH, MY GOD, DID ONE OF YOUGUYS JUST FART?

'CAUSE IT SMELLSLIKE SALTY DICK.

[laughter]

WHOO.I'M DOWNWIND.

UH, YOU GUYS WANT TO SEEMY IMPRESSION OF THE NAVY?

[imitates sonar pings]

AND HERE'S MY IMPRESSIONOF THE U.S. COAST GUARD.

AH![laughter]

- BROCK!BROCK, BACK.

- OKAY.YEAH, SIGN UP, MAN.

JUST NEED YOUR NAME, EMAIL,PHONE NUMBER,

AND A STOOL SAMPLE.JUST KIDDING,

I'M NOT THE COAST GUARD.

WHETHER TIS NOBLER...

- DOTH MY EYES HEARA FELLOW THESPIAN?

OR TO TAKE PAUSE--- THANK YOU.

DO WE HAVE ANYONE ELSE READINGFOR HAMLET?

- ONE MORE!

- GET ON WITH IT.- THANKS.

- OKAY, BEFORE I START,

THIS BOOMERANG HAS,LIKE, KNIFE EDGES.

BACK OFF, EASY.[grunting]

YAH! YAH! YAH![screams]

BACK UP!ALL RIGHT, I'M NOT FROM HERE.

I'M FROM A GODDAMNPRISON COLONY!

SO UNLESS YOU WANT A LITTLE BITOF WHAT HE JUST GOT--

- I'M SORRY, WHAT SCENEARE YOU DOING?

- THIS IS FROM CROCODILE DUNDEE 4: THE NEW CLASS

IT'S AN ORIGINAL SCRIPT.

- AND ARE YOU EVENA STUDENT HERE?

- NOT TECHNICALLY, SIR, NO.

BUT I WILL DO ANYTHINGTO BE A STAR.

- YOU ARE A VERY BAD ACTOR.

AND WE WOULD NEVER USE YOUIN A PRODUCTION.

- [angry muttering].- HEY.

HEY, WHAT YOU DID UP THEREWAS SO BRAVE.

THE DIRECTOR HAD NO IDEAWHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

- WELL, I MEAN, I JUST DID WHATDUNDEE WOULD'VE DONE-DOOD.

- [laughs]

- WELL, YOU KNOW, MY FRIENDSAND I ARE MAKING

THIS REALLY COOL SHORT FILMTODAY,

WE COULD USE A REAL ACTORLIKE YOU.

- REALLY?- YEAH.

- DO YOU THINK YOU COULD USEAN AUSSIE IN THE CAST?

I DO 13 UNIQUE CHARACTERS--- OKAY, COME ON.

- ALL RIGHT.

- 18?NO.

[inspirational music]

- I'M FINALLY HOME.

[moaning]

- SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT.

THIS IS THE ROOM...

BUT IT'S NOT THE ROOM.

DID THEY MOVE THE WALLS?

NOPE.THAT'D BE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

[grunting]

[screaming]

UH, NO.

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

IN ORDER FOR SEMEN SPRAYTO LAND HERE

THE BUSTER WOULD HAVETO SHOOT FROM HERE.

BUT ERIC WAS OVER THERE.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN BUST.

WAS THERE A SECONDSEMEN SPRAYER?

NO.NOPE.

START FROM THE BEGINNING, ADAM.

- WHO THE [bleep] ARE YOU?

- IS THIS WHERE THE PORNO WAS?

- I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, MAN.

JUST--JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I BELIEVE YOU.

I DON'T SEE PORNO IN YOUR EYES.

SORRY, I'M GOING TO HAVETO LOOK AROUND FIRST.

FEMALE SEX.

THAT'S CODE WORD FOR PORN.

- HEY, WHO WANTS TO BETHE 100th CONTACT