Abel, Zito, Ferrara

  • Season 2, Ep 0220
  • 05/17/1993

A while back, a friendof mine convinced me

that I'd feel even betterif I had a-- a colonic.

Yeah.

And I said, I thinkyou're projecting.

But, she says, no, butseriously, seriously, you

will feel-- It'llchange your life.

Which is I guess it's kind ofa testament to how my life is

going that I was so easilyconvinced that it could be

improved by lettinga stranger rinse

my tract, which,that's what they do.

Well, first, you haveto make an appointment.

And so I-- I-- Imake the appointment

and I go down there.

And they have this--you know, you go.

And there's a reception.You fill out a form.

And then they have this new agemusic playing, which kind of

gives you a littlesense of security.

You start to relax.

Oh, this is going tobe-- kind of nice.

And then, you, wait a minute.

That's what they want--from me to relax,

so they can snake melike a clogged drain.

And I can't, I can't, I can'tremember exactly the name

of the-- the name of myperson, my colon hygienist.

Oh, it's freaky.

She comes out.

I was a little relaxed when Isaw her, because she was kind

of a mellow person with--I don't remember her name

exactly-- I can't evenremember her name.

But it was one ofthose California names,

like Rainbow orSunshine-- one of those

don't trust her withyour checkbook names.

Anyway, and at thatpoint, I hadn't even

allowed myself to consider thepossibility that it might not

be a woman to performthe procedure on me.

Anyway, so shesays, don't worry.

You will be cleansedphysically, mentally,

and emotionally by thisprocedure, which I thought

was pretty grandiosetalk for a butt janitor.

Anyway, I'll, I'll spareyou some of the details.

Basically, they,they hook you up

to this wall-mounted fire hose.

And then they fill you up anddrain you out a few times,

and then by change in themachine, like from hello

to good bye.

And then-- then, youknow, the person leaves.

And you get it together,pull your clothes on,

and you walk out.

But you have to go throughthe reception room, where the,

you know, the clerk givesyou one of those big smiles,

you know, well, Ibet you feel better.

And, you know, andso all I can do

is give her the stupid smileback and go, oh, yes, lighter.

But really, all I felt waslike creepy and embarrassed.

But better now that I'vetold you, of course.

Um, anyway, I'm going to goahead and start, start the rest

And he tells me hemet the perfect woman.

Ain't nice?

I don't think I'll evermeet the perfect woman.

I might have to get me oneof them mail order women.

You can do that.

You send away tothe Philippines,

and they send you a wife.

You know how it is, onceyou're on the mailing list,

they keep sending you a relativea month, whether you want it

or not.

Even if you don'tlike, you know what?

Keep Uncle Bamboolyas our free gift.

Relationships are tough.

Man, they sayfighting is healthy.

Fighting with my lastgirlfriend was scary, man.

She had an evil temper.

She was half Italian and halfpterodactyl, or something.

She'd be on me so much, I didn'tunderstand the words anymore.

It was like, you'reout all night, mister.

You're out allnight doing comedy.

You're going to be late.You never call.

You never--

(BIRDLIKE) Call,call, call, call.

Whoa, I made her mad.

She's circling.

I'm sorry, honey,please, land, please.

So we broke up.

It was my fault we broke up.

See, I like the firstmonth of a relationship.

You know, like,when you're happy?

Because you're happythe first month.

You make thoseincoherent noises of joy,

like um, baby, baby, baby.

But inevitably, shesays something that

triggers the defensealarm in my head.

It's like Adam, I think it'stime we have a little talk.

[alarm sound]

Take us to DEFCON One.

What is that we're doing?

Are we dating?

Are we seeing each other?

Is it just sex?

Get the men in their holes.

This is not a drill.

See, I try in relationships.

I really do I askthem, what do you want?

Most women saythey want honesty.

What you fail torealize is male honesty

is only acceptableto other males.

Women won't tolerate it.

They won't.

If a woman goes,well, how come you

were so romantic last night?

You can't say, ha, Iwas drunk last night.

When a woman asksyou a question,

she already has the answersshe wants in her head.

And it's up to us to hit it.

See?

And it's strange.

It's not fair, becausethere's no partial credit.

It's not like it's an essayquestion that we can fake

our way through, likehow come you're late?

The concept of timeis an ancient one.

The Babylonians-- Youcan't get away with that.

Nah.

But we do have a shot.

It's slim.

So like Ray Charlespicking out socks,

but it's a shot, because ifwe do hit it, we're amazed.

Well like, (SINGING) Ihad the right one, baby.

So now it's time toplay the bonus round.

She asked you a question.

How come you were late?

Traffic?

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

What do we have for him, Johnny?

For answeringincorrectly, we have

24 hours of annoying silence.

Coupled with the irritatingsounds of disgust, like hm.

And of course, noquestions will be answered.

Did I do something wrong?

If you don't know, I'mnot going to tell you.

And we're shot after that.

We are.

See, women scare me.

They try and get too close.

They do.

If I was in a relationshipbefore we went to sleep,

I had to tell this womanwhat I was thinking so we

could dream aboutthe same thing.

I said, honey, you're reallynot going to like my dream.

I mean, you don't know anyof the other girls in there.

And you're really,you're not going to--

And she got mad.

She was like, you dreamabout another woman?

Ha, I dream aboutflocks of other women.

I've had naked GirlScouts feeding me cookies.

You want no part of this.

It's demented up here.

Run away, save yourself.

See, I look to nature,because I think

the animals aresmarter than we are.

See, animals mate, humans date.

There's no dating inthe animal kingdom.

No dinner, no movie, justa quick sniff-- all right,

let's go.