Abel, Zito, Ferrara

  • Season 2, Ep 0220
  • 05/17/1993

A while back, a friendof mine convinced me

that I'd feel even betterif I had a-- a colonic.

Yeah.

And I said, I thinkyou're projecting.

But, she says, no, butseriously, seriously, you

will feel-- It'llchange your life.

Which is I guess it's kind ofa testament to how my life is

going that I was so easilyconvinced that it could be

improved by lettinga stranger rinse

my tract, which,that's what they do.

Well, first, you haveto make an appointment.

And so I-- I-- Imake the appointment

and I go down there.

And they have this--you know, you go.

And there's a reception.You fill out a form.

And then they have this new agemusic playing, which kind of

gives you a littlesense of security.

You start to relax.

Oh, this is going tobe-- kind of nice.

And then, you, wait a minute.

That's what they want--from me to relax,

so they can snake melike a clogged drain.

And I can't, I can't, I can'tremember exactly the name

of the-- the name of myperson, my colon hygienist.

Oh, it's freaky.

She comes out.

I was a little relaxed when Isaw her, because she was kind

of a mellow person with--I don't remember her name

exactly-- I can't evenremember her name.

But it was one ofthose California names,

like Rainbow orSunshine-- one of those

don't trust her withyour checkbook names.

Anyway, and at thatpoint, I hadn't even

allowed myself to consider thepossibility that it might not

be a woman to performthe procedure on me.

Anyway, so shesays, don't worry.

You will be cleansedphysically, mentally,

and emotionally by thisprocedure, which I thought

was pretty grandiosetalk for a butt janitor.

Anyway, I'll, I'll spareyou some of the details.

Basically, they,they hook you up

to this wall-mounted fire hose.

And then they fill you up anddrain you out a few times,

and then by change in themachine, like from hello

to good bye.

And then-- then, youknow, the person leaves.

And you get it together,pull your clothes on,

and you walk out.

But you have to go throughthe reception room, where the,

you know, the clerk givesyou one of those big smiles,

you know, well, Ibet you feel better.

And, you know, andso all I can do

is give her the stupid smileback and go, oh, yes, lighter.

But really, all I felt waslike creepy and embarrassed.

But better now that I'vetold you, of course.

Um, anyway, I'm going to goahead and start, start the rest

And I'm a passive aggressive.

And that's whatthis council labeled

me, which really ticked me off.

I couldn't do a thing about it.

Not right then,but I made plans.

I also am a father of 12 weeksand 5 days today, this is true.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I'm very proud.

When my wife finds out,she'll be a little pissed.

No, we had a lovely experience.

27 and a half hours of labor.

Yeah, we've got thewhole thing on videotape.

And it's a Time Life collection.

Yeah, and, and they toldme at Lamaze classes

that women can geta burst of energy

before they go into labor.

My wife went out in the backyardand tried to move a stump.

Yeah, she waddledup to that thing,

something's coming out today.

Yeah, little girl.

I did not know-- I didn'twant to know the sex.

My wife did.

She went in for an ultrasound.

They weren't sure.

They got sort of a picture.

They think it wasa girl, because it

was in this position.

But they're pretty sure.

And the baby came out, andthey said, what is it, dad?

And I had no idea.

I'd seen women before, itlooked nothing like this.

They're swollenin certain places.

I said, I don't know what it is.

It's, it's ours.

We'll love it, we'll keep it.

Don't put it back.We'll keep it out of the circus.

Give it to me.

Kelsey Sage Able isthe name we decided on.

We argued over that name.

My wife just wanted to name herSage, which I would not have,

because I thought thatshe'll get teased for that.

I got teased a lot formy name, Milton Able.

I go by Milt Able, becausethat's so much cooler.

But I got teased for my name.

Milton Able, set the table.

I don't want to pass that on.

And my wife likes tohear these unusual names,

because she's sort ofnew age, vegetarian.

And I'm learningabout vegetarianism.

You know there are differentcategories of vegetarianism?

Yeah, and also the reasonvegetarians don't like beef,

apparently, is cattleare sensitive of the fact

they're going to die.

They know something is up.

Hey, where did Ralph go?

And, yeah.

This is what they propose.

So cow get filled getfilled with this dear enzyme

of some sort, and youend up eating their fear.

That's what they say.

Which brings thoughts ofvery strange complaints

at restaurants.

Excuse me, waiter.

My steak tastes frightened.

And my wife's is way overdone.

It's totally terrified.

And I think we justwanted it mildly spooked.

I eat beef.

I like the fat.

It keeps my coat shiny.

My favorite beefproduct-- barbecued ribs.

Aren't they fun toeat barbecued ribs?

There's something goodfeeling about tearing

meat of a bone with your teeth?

It reminds of those days of[inaudible] the fireplace

after a successful hunt.

And it's a greatway of aggression.

Hate your boss?

Go eat some barbecued ribs.

It's a good release.

It's cathartic.

You don't get thatsame satisfact

with the bean sprouts.

I'm still frustrated.

Big drawback aboutbarbecue ribs,

of course, all thebeef in your teeth.

So you have to flossor go waterskiing.

You know, first timeyou're waterskiing,

you fell and if you letgo, fell into the water.

Hey, my teeth are clean.

I have a theory,while we're on food,

of why we're anoverweight society.

Notice, we don't have tochase our food anymore.

Yeah, think about that.

You used to burna lot of calories

getting dinner together.

Yeah, maybe there should begrocery stores where food can

run away from the[inaudible] it was alive.

You know, a store fordieters, where maybe a package

of chicken are on arailing, like at a dog race.

That way, really overweightpeople can go, well,

the vegetables are stationary.

I'll have those.

Instead of askingwhat's on special,

anything weak or slow today?

Yeah, Kelsey Sage Able.

My wife and I arediscussing whether we are

going to spank our child or not.

I say, wait till shedoes something wrong.

Oh, that's my show.

Good, you sound good.

You sound good.

And you look great.

Boy, you, guys, look great.

Have-- have you lost weight?

I've had such a busyday, shopping all day.

I'm in the Woolworth'swith my wife.

She said, honey, buyme the Thigh Master.

I said, I am the Thigh Master.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I was freaking outthese old ladies.

They're walking by.

There's me rightnext to the display.

It is I, the Thigh Master.

They're walking by, look, Marge.

I think that isthe Thigh Master.

All laughs, she went home withan autograph of Thigh Master.

Dear Harriet, keepsqueezing the Thigh Master.

I'm walking over to the theater.

I stop at a Burger King.

I wasn't hungry, I just goin to harass the employees.

I go and I address themby their first name.

This confuses thehell out of them,

because they have forgottenthey're wearing a name tag.

They really have.

You want to get mea burger and fries?

I said, thanks a lot, Darlene.Have a nice day.

Oh my God.

How'd you know my name?

I'm not telling.

I got to split.

Give my best to Yolandaback at the fryer later.

Oh my God, Yolanda,that guy knew you.

Isn't that the Thigh Master?

Oh my God, that's him.

Why do teenage girls dothat when they get excited?

Have you seen that happen?

Is that a suddenattack of wet nail

polish that I'm not hip to.

Why does that go on?

My daughter's now 12 years old.

My son just turned 9.

I was only 18 when Igot married, fresh out

of high school.

18, yeah.

Anybody here guess why I gotmarried at the age of 18?

There's a tough quiz for you.

People always ask thatreally romantic question--

do you rememberthe precise moment

you proposed to your wife?

Oh, yeah.

Right after I gotthe test results.

I figured that was a goodtime to make my move.

I have been a dad for a while.

I have noticed thatcertain things don't change

about a child, no matterwhat stage of development

they're in, you know.

When they're really small,just learning how to walk,

you always have to tellthem the same thing

over and over again-- watchout, don't touch that,

don't put that in your mouth.

Now, my daughter'salmost a teenager.

Are we all on thesame page on that?

Because I reallydon't want to have

to draw a diagram for that one.

I, I don't know, I don'tknow what I'm going to do.

I think I'm just going tohand pick the boyfriends

and bring them over tothe house, you know.

I have a young manover here with no penis

I'd like you to meet, dear.

Dad!

Oh, that is the gross!

Maybe that's whyteenage girls do that.

Oh, my God.Where is his penis?

I can't find it.

He's a nice young man.

I think you shouldgive him a chance.

I want a boy witha pee-pee, Daddy.

This isn't fair.

Megan's boyfriend has a pee-pee.

Well, I'm not Megan's father.

As long as you'reunder my roof, there

will be no boys withpee-pees coming around here.

I don't know.

So I know I'd have tocope with this eventually,

but not at 12 years old.

She's so beautiful already.

She'd got the best rackin the seventh grade.

I didn't ask for this.

Not much I can doabout it either.

All I can really do is giveher braces, a bad haircut,

feed her chocolate andhope for the worst.

That's all I can do.

Thanks a lot.

And he tells me hemet the perfect woman.

Ain't nice?

I don't think I'll evermeet the perfect woman.

I might have to get me oneof them mail order women.

You can do that.

You send away tothe Philippines,

and they send you a wife.

You know how it is, onceyou're on the mailing list,

they keep sending you a relativea month, whether you want it

or not.

Even if you don'tlike, you know what?

Keep Uncle Bamboolyas our free gift.

Relationships are tough.

Man, they sayfighting is healthy.

Fighting with my lastgirlfriend was scary, man.

She had an evil temper.

She was half Italian and halfpterodactyl, or something.

She'd be on me so much, I didn'tunderstand the words anymore.

It was like, you'reout all night, mister.

You're out allnight doing comedy.

You're going to be late.You never call.

You never--

(BIRDLIKE) Call,call, call, call.

Whoa, I made her mad.

She's circling.

I'm sorry, honey,please, land, please.

So we broke up.

It was my fault we broke up.

See, I like the firstmonth of a relationship.

You know, like,when you're happy?

Because you're happythe first month.

You make thoseincoherent noises of joy,

like um, baby, baby, baby.

But inevitably, shesays something that

triggers the defensealarm in my head.

It's like Adam, I think it'stime we have a little talk.

[alarm sound]

Take us to DEFCON One.

What is that we're doing?

Are we dating?

Are we seeing each other?

Is it just sex?

Get the men in their holes.

This is not a drill.

See, I try in relationships.

I really do I askthem, what do you want?

Most women saythey want honesty.

What you fail torealize is male honesty

is only acceptableto other males.

Women won't tolerate it.

They won't.

If a woman goes,well, how come you

were so romantic last night?

You can't say, ha, Iwas drunk last night.

When a woman asksyou a question,

she already has the answersshe wants in her head.

And it's up to us to hit it.

See?

And it's strange.

It's not fair, becausethere's no partial credit.

It's not like it's an essayquestion that we can fake

our way through, likehow come you're late?

The concept of timeis an ancient one.

The Babylonians-- Youcan't get away with that.

Nah.

But we do have a shot.

It's slim.

So like Ray Charlespicking out socks,

but it's a shot, because ifwe do hit it, we're amazed.

Well like, (SINGING) Ihad the right one, baby.

So now it's time toplay the bonus round.

She asked you a question.

How come you were late?

Traffic?

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

What do we have for him, Johnny?

For answeringincorrectly, we have

24 hours of annoying silence.

Coupled with the irritatingsounds of disgust, like hm.

And of course, noquestions will be answered.

Did I do something wrong?

If you don't know, I'mnot going to tell you.

And we're shot after that.

We are.

See, women scare me.

They try and get too close.

They do.

If I was in a relationshipbefore we went to sleep,

I had to tell this womanwhat I was thinking so we

could dream aboutthe same thing.

I said, honey, you're reallynot going to like my dream.

I mean, you don't know anyof the other girls in there.

And you're really,you're not going to--

And she got mad.

She was like, you dreamabout another woman?

Ha, I dream aboutflocks of other women.

I've had naked GirlScouts feeding me cookies.

You want no part of this.

It's demented up here.

Run away, save yourself.

See, I look to nature,because I think

the animals aresmarter than we are.

See, animals mate, humans date.

There's no dating inthe animal kingdom.

No dinner, no movie, justa quick sniff-- all right,

let's go.

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