Extended - Thursday, November 5, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 11/05/2015

Ian Edwards, Whitney Cummings and Chris D'Elia title Jeb Bush's e-book, classify types of #CelebriTrees and recap the greatest films ever in this uncensored, extended episode.

NOW IT'S TIME TO WATCHSOCIOPATHS ATTEMPT TO BE

RELATABLE.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THE CAMPAIGN OF

SEXUALLY-FRUSTRATED BIG 5MANAGER JEB BUSH HAS FAILED TO

GARNER ANY SIGNIFICANT MOMENTUM,PERHAPS BECAUSE HE'S AS

CAPTIVATING AS A DAMP NAPKIN.

HE'S MAKING SOME BIG MOVESLATELY TO EXCITE THE ELECTORATE,

INCLUDING RELEASING AN E-BOOKCALLED "REPLY ALL," A TITLE THAT

SAYS VERY PLAINLY, "HEY, KIDS,I'M DOWN WITH ELECTRONIC MAIL."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> GOD, THAT'S SO BAD.

>> HARDWICK: MM. AN E-BOOK WITHA BADLY-DESIGNED COVER.

THAT REMINDS ME OF THAT OTHERCLASSIC, "A BILLIONAIRE DINOSAUR

FORCED ME GAY."

(LAUGHTER)OH! I DO HAVE AN IDEA.

UH, MAYBE JEB'S NEXT BOOK COULDBE, UM, "A REPUBLICAN

PTERODACTYL INVADED MY BUTT."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> OH.

>> I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEETHAT, IAN.

>> WELL... WHY THE BLACK DUDE?

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SUPPOSED TO BE A PTERODACTYL.

>> BUT IT'S BLACK.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS, UM... THISIS MY IMAGE IDEAL.

THIS IS WHAT I FEEL LIKE ON THEINSIDE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. AS...

>> EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR FETISH,OKAY?

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU NEEDTO... YOU NEED TO NOT

MARGINALIZE MY NEED TO BE ABLACK GUY GETTING BUTT-FUCKED BY

A PTERODACTYL WITH JEB BUSH'SHEAD.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORESUPPORTIVE.

>> MY BAD, MY BAD.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S ALL RIGHT.

COMEDIANS, CLEARLY, JEB PICKEDTHE TITLE "REPLY ALL" TO SEEM

HIP AND WITH-IT.

WHAT'S AN EVEN MORE HIP ANDWITH-IT TITLE FOR HIS NEXT BOOK?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> "I KICKED TOM OUT OF MY TOPEIGHT FOR YOU."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, VERY HIP.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)YES.

POINTS.

IAN EDWARDS.

>> UH, "SWIPING RIGHT ONAMERICA, AND FUCKING IT ON THE

FIRST DATE."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

WHITNEY.

>> SWIPING LEFT ON AMERICA, ANDSWIPING WHITE ON SOUTH AMERICA

AND FUCKING IT IN THE ASS."

>> HARDWICK: YES.

DID YOU SAY... DID YOU SAY...?

I'M SORRY.

DID YOU SAY, "SWIPING WHITE"?

>> WHITE.

>> YEAH, SHE DID.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY, I

KNOW...

>> THAT-THAT...

MY TRUE COLORS JUST CAME OUT,GUYS.

I'M SO RACIST!

>> HARDWICK: NO, ACTUALLY THEOPPOSITE...

>> AND SWIPING...

(IN SCARY VOICE): WHITE!

>> YEAH. YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I GOT TO SAY...

>> WAIT. WAIT.

THE MOMENT I SAID "WHITE," I HADAN ORGASM, SO I JUST GOT

THROUGH...

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU HAVENOT SWIPED WHITE THAT MANY

TIMES, YOU KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULDN'T KNOW, BECAUSE I'MCOLORBLIND.

>> GOD BLESS YOU.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOUR VAGINA'SNOT.

>> WOW.

(CHEERING AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!

IAN'S DICK'S BEEN OUT FOR EIGHTMINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)>> WE'RE HAVING SEX UNDER THIS

THING.

>> AND I KNOW.

I KNOW BECAUSE I'M STEPPING ONIT.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> OH, OH, OH, OH!

>> CHRIS? CHRIS?!

COULD YOU STOP MOVING AROUND ONIT.

>> OH, GOD. OH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, MOVINGON...

>> THAT REALLY HURTS.

>> HARDWICK: A FOUR-YEAR-OLDGIRL DRESSED UP AS HILLARY

CLINTON THIS HALLOWEEN BECAUSETHERE'S NOTHING FOUR-YEAR-OLDS

LOVE MORE THAN DRY-CLEAN-ONLYPANTSUITS AND ORTHOPEDIC

BUSINESS SHOES.

AND QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY"PANDERDOME," TEAM HILLARY SET

UP A HIGHLY-CLICKABLE PHOTO OPRIGHT HERE.

>> OH, MY, GOD, LET ME GET DOWNHERE.

>> YOU COULD BE PRESIDENT OF THEUNITED STATES!

>> SHE LOOKS LIKE A FUTUREPRESIDENT.

>> TALKING ABOUT YOU.

(HILLARY CACKLES)(HARDWICK IMITATES HER CACKLE)

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: "DON'T TRUST MEN."

(IMITATES HILLARY LAUGHING)(LAUGHTER)

HILLARY WAS, LIKE, "I'VE HEARDTHE INTERNET LIKES CHILDREN.

NOW STAND STILL WHILE I APPEARRELATABLE.

SQUATTING CAUSES ME PAIN!"(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I KNOW... I KNEW WHO THISLITTLE HILLARY'S GONNA HIRE TO

KILL A REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER.

YEAH!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)>> AH!

>> HARDWICK: PABLO ESCABABY!

BUT I BET TINY HILLARY WOULDMAKE A GREAT CANDIDATE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEA LINE FROM TINY HILLARY ON THE

CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> "I PWOMISE TO WEDUCE TAXES BYTHIS MANY."

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> "YES, WE CAN... SHIT MYPANTS."

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> MY FAVORITE. ABSOLUTELY.

>> HARDWICK: IAN EDWARDS.

>> "UH, THE ONLY THING LEAKINGOVER HERE IS MY APPLE JUICE."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> GOOD ONE. GOOD ONE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> FUCKING GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: MOVING ON-- IN ANATTEMPT TO PROVE HE'S A COOL GUY

AND NOT AT ALL A RUBBERY WIENERNUBBIN...

(LAUGHTER)...WITH A BELGIAN SCHOOLBOY

HAIRCUT, MARCO RUBIO POSTED AYOUTUBE VIDEO CALLED "15

QUESTIONS MARCO RUBIO WON'T BEASKED AT THE DEBATE."

AND JUST LOOK HOW DOPE HE IS!

>> WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT,SPIDER-MAN OR BATMAN?

>> UH...

SPIDER-MAN OR BATMAN? HM.

>> YEP.

>> PROBABLY BATMAN.

>> LEAST FAVORITE VEGETABLE.

>> IT'S NOT A VEGETABLE-- IDON'T LIKE MUSHROOMS.

>> TUPAC OR BIGGIE?

>> TUPAC.

>> HARDWICK: HMM.

(WHOOPING)>> THAT'S KIND OF SEXY.

>> HARDWICK: SEE, GUYS?

HE'S DOWN WITH THE RAP, JUSTLIKE THOSE KIDS ARE.

(LAUGHTER)WHY IS HE WANDERING THROUGH A

SOUNDSTAGE?!

WHERE IS HE WALKING TO?!

IS THERE A FIGHT CLUB?

WHAT IS HE DOING?

"MAKE SURE YOU GET THE FORKLIFTIN THE BACKGROUND." WHY?!

(LAUGHTER)HEY, KIDS, THIS AIN'T YOUR

GRANDPA'S MARCO RUBIO, THIS ISCHILL MARCO.

>> I FUCKIN' HATE THAT SHIT,MAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> I THINK THAT THERE'S

SOMETHING HOT ABOUT IT.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, I WILLTELL YOU, YEAH, I HAD THE SAME

REACTION.

I WAS INFURIATED BY IT, UH...

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, NOT JUSTBECAUSE SPIDER-MAN WOULD CLEARLY

WIN IN A FIGHT WITH BATMAN-- HEHAS SUPERPOWERS, FOR CHRIST'S

SAKE.

AND NOT ONLY THAT, NOT ONLY ISHE PHYSICALLY SUPERIOR TO

BATMAN, BUT HE'S ALSO JUST ASSMART AS BATMAN AND TECHNICALLY

AS RESOURCEFUL AND INVENTIVE ASBRUCE WAYNE...

>> MY VAGINA'S DRYING UP RIGHTNOW.

>> HARDWICK: OH, I'M SORRY, I'MSORRY, I'M SORRY.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)I'M SORRY.

(WHOOPING)I WASN'T... I WASN'T SURE WHAT

THAT NOISE WAS-- I JUST THOUGHTA CLOWN WAS TWISTING BALLOON

ANIMALS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT I AGREE WITH YOU, WHITNEY, I

AGREE WITH YOU, BECAUSE THETHING THAT WAS FRUSTRATING ABOUT

THIS IS THAT MARCO RUBIOACTUALLY COMES OFF AS A

RELATIVELY NORMAL-SEEMINGPERSON.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: AND THIS IS THETHING THAT SORT OF UNDERSCORES

THE WHOLE CAMPAIGN-- THESECANDIDATES ARE TRYING SO HARD TO

APPEAL TO EVERYONE, THEY'REFORGETTING THE MOST APPEALING

THINGS WHEN THEY'RE JUST FUCKINGHUMAN BEINGS.

IT'S, LIKE, WE HAVE TO TALK TOTHE CANDIDATES LIKE THEY'RE

HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS AND BELIKE, "LOOK, GUYS, YOU DON'T GOT

TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY YOU'RENOT, JUST BE YOURSELVES," RIGHT?

VOTERS'LL THINK YOU'RE COOL FORJUST BEING YOU, AND NOT BECAUSE

YOU HAVE A DANGEROUSLY ARCHAICIDEA ABOUT WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE

RIGHTS.

BUT... CLEARLY, MARCO'S GONNAHAVE TO KEEP TRYING TO BE COOL

TO RELATE TO US NORMS, SO WHAT'SANOTHER QUESTION YOU WANT TO ASK

CHILL MARCO?

CHRIS.

>> YOU UP?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)IAN EDWARDS.

>> UH, HEY, MAN, IF YOU'REAROUND THIS WEEKEND, CAN YOU

HELP ME MOVE?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW WHAT HE

WOULD SAY?

HE'D BE LIKE...

"YEAH, BRO, I GOT A FORKLIFT.

(LAUGHTER)I'LL BE RIGHT OVER."

>> GOOD TIMING ASKING THATQUESTION.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WAR IS A VERY

SPECIAL ONE.

ONE OF OUR WRITERS, EMMYBLOTNICK, WHO'S A WONDERFUL

WRITER, IS GOING TO WORK ONNIKKI GLASER'S NEW SHOW, UH, SO

WE WERE SORRY TO LOSE HER, BUTCERTAINLY PROUD FOR HER FOR THE

OPPORTUNITY.

UH, TONIGHT IS... THE HASHTAGWAS WRITTEN BY HER.

EMMY POURED HER HEART AND SOULINTO THIS!

(LAUGHTER)AND... AND I AM VERY PROUD TO

BRING YOU EMMY'S LAST HASHTAGGAME, UH... HER FINEST HOUR,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

(CLEARING THROAT)WELL, FRIENDS, IT'S FALL AND THE

LEAVES ARE CHANGING, EVEN HEREIN HOLLYWOOD, AND YOU CAN'T

SPELL "HOLLYWOOD" WITHOUT "WOOD"OR "HOLLY," WHICH IS ALSO A

TREE.

LET'S NOT FORGET OUR ROOTS HERE.

>> AH!

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHYTONIGHT'S HASHTAG WAR IS...

CELEBRITREES!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)EXAMPLES INCLUDE, BUT ARE BY NO

MEANS LIMITED TO...

SPRUCE WILLIS.

(LAUGHTER)STICKOLAS CAGE.

AND OF COURSE, SARAH JESSICAPOPLAR. UH...

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA-- BUT HONESTLY, I

MEAN, WE WILL MISS YOU.

CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST OFLUCK, AND WE HOPE TO SEE YOU

BACK HERE REALLY SOON.

I'M GONNA PUT... YES.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)UH, ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT 60

SECONDS ON THE CLOCK.

COMEDIANS, MAKE LIKE A TREE ANDGET OUT OF HERE.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> LEONARDO DICAPRI-OAK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> CHRIS D'TREE-A.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHITNEY AGAIN!

>> OH! MATTHEW MAHOGANY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> WHIT-TREE CUMMINGS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IAN EDWARDS.

>> CATE BRANCHETT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> KENNY LOGGINS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> CHRIS PINE. HEY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT ALREADY WORKS. IAN EDWARDS.

>> UH, ELM-IN-ELM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHING): ELM-IN-ELM!

ELM-IN-ELM WAS BRILLIANT!

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> CHRIS HARDWOOD.

>> HARDWICK: YES! FINALLY.

(CHEERING)I FINALLY MADE A HASHTAG WAR.

IAN EDWARDS.

>> SPIKE LEAF.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

>> GOOD ONE. GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS.

>> ROBERT PLANT!

>> HARDWICK: YES!

(LAUGHTER)>> HE DOES NOT GET POINTS FOR

THAT!

>> HARDWICK: HEY!

>> A PLANT IS NOT A TREE!

>> HEY, HEY, HEY!

GROOT! GROOT!

>> HARDWICK: YES!

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: OH, WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

GROOT WAS PLAYED BY VINTREE-SEL. HEY!

(CHEERING)WHAT?

>> GEORGE BUSH!

(LAUGHTER)>> COOL, COOL, COOL, COOL.

(AUDIENCE JEERING)>> OH, FUCK YOU!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE BOOING

TREES!

YOU'RE BOOING NATURE!

HANG ON A SEC.

FUCK ALL OF YOU!

(LAUGHTER)>> I DID NOT JUST DRIVE HERE

FROM THE VALLEY...

TO LISTEN TO YOUR SHIT!

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW...

I DON'T KNOW... THESE PEOPLE AREHERE FOR YOU!

I DON'T KNOW IF D'ELIA DRESSEDLIKE A LOGGING CAMP GUY ON

PURPOSE OR NOT FOR THIS, BUTHERE HE IS, AND YOU NEED TO SHOW

THEM RESPECT!

I'M SORRY.

>> YOU THINK OF ONE!

I DARE YOU, THINK OF ONE!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

>> DIDN'T THINK SO!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

>> TOM... T... TOM... TRU...

TREE, TREE. TOM TREE CRUISE.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TAKE IT BACK-- YOU GUYS WERERIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT.

>> I'VE NEVER SEEN AN AUDIENCEGET CURSED OUT THIS MUCH...

STILL SIT THERE.

>> AND STILL SIT THERE.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY... ON MY WAYTO STEAL YOUR GIRL: GIF EDITION.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)BY NOW YOU MAY HAVE COME ACROSS

ONE OF THE INTERNET'S FINESTMEMES, ON MY WAY TO STEAL YOUR

GIRL, WHERE PEOPLE POST GIFS ANDPHOTOS, AND THEN, WITH CASANOVA

CONFIDENCE, HASHTAG IT: ON MYWAY TO STEAL YOUR GIRL.

FOR EXAMPLE, THIS SHARPSHOOTINGSEGUE SLAYER. BAM!

(LAUGHTER)ON MY WAY TO STEAL YOUR GIRL.

AND IF THAT FAILS, ON MY WAY TOTEACH CHILDREN'S KARATE LESSONS

WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU SOME SWEET GIFS WE FOUND

SEARCHING ON ON MY WAY TO STEALYOUR GIRL.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME ANOTHER THING THEY'RE ON

THEIR WAY TO DO, ALL RIGHT?

THIS POLE-SLIDING PLAYA...

(LAUGHTER)CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> ON MY WAY TO TAKE MY LIFE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> ON MY WAY TO LOSE MY DICK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, YOU CAN GRIND IT DOWN.

>> RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. INTO A NUB.

IAN.

>> ON MY WAY TO TELL YOURGIRLFRIEND YOU'RE GRABBING

ANOTHER CHICK'S BOOBS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

YEAH, RIGHT THERE. POINTS.

RIGHT THERE.

>> SEE IT RIGHT THERE...

>> BY THE WAY, THAT WASN'T ALOOP-- HE WAS RUNNING BEHIND THE

CAMERA EVERY TIME.

>> HARDWICK: THE ENTIRE TIME.

ALL THE WAY UP AND DOWN-- HE DIDIT HUNDREDS OF TIMES.

>> IT'S NOT EVEN A GIF. HE'S...

>> THAT'S STUPID.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THISWIGGLY WANDY.

(LAUGHTER)CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> ON THE WAY TO DRY MY PUSSY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

I WOULD HOPE IT'D BE DRY BY THETIME SHE GETS TO HERE.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

LOOK, THE GUY'S MOVING OUT OFTHE WAY, TOO.

>> HARDWICK: WHITNEY.

>> ON MY WAY TO BE A CHRISD'ELIA IMPERSONATOR.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I CAN DO THAT MOVE, I CAN DOIT.

>> HARDWICK: IAN EDWARDS.

>> ON MY WAY TO BEING A HUMANVAGINA ROOMBA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

HANG ON A SECOND.

ISN'T THAT JUST THE WOMB-BA?

>> YES.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, GROANING)>> VERY GOOD, MAN, VERY GOOD!

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUTTHIS PADDLING PUG?

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> ON MY WAY TO SHIT IN YOURPOOL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

MR. D'ELIA.

>> ON MY WAY TO DROWN YOUR SON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU COULD DEFINITELY SEE THAT

HAPPENING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE IF... JUST PLAYFUL, THOUGH,AND THE KID'S LIKE,

"HA-HA-HA-HA, GLUB-GLUB-GLUB,HA-HA!" AND THEN ALL OF A

SUDDEN...

>> WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A SON?

>> HARDWICK: BECAUSE I USED TOBE ALLOWED UP ON THE COUCH

BEFORE YOU ARRIVED!

(LAUGHTER)(GROWLS)

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL!

EH, EH, EH, EH...

IAN EDWARDS.

>> ON MY WAY TO GET THAT SWEET,SWEET ALPO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT WAS FUNNY!

>> SO CUTE!

>> SO CUTE.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THISSQUATTING STALLION.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> ON MY WAY TO RAISE AWARENESSABOUT THE DANGERS OF POLIO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> ON MY WAY TO EAT OUT BRUNOMARS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEP.

>> YOU DON'T THINK I COULD DOTHAT?

I COULD DO THAT, I COULD DOTHAT.

>> DO IT. DO IT.

>> DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, CHEERING)>> WOW, WHOOPS.

>> (CROWD CHANTING): CHRIS,CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS!

>> HEY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,GUYS, GUYS-- FULL DISCLOSURE:

I CAN'T DO THAT.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

I DON'T KNOW... WHAT IS IT THATHE'S DOING, THOUGH, IS IT

JUST... IS HE, HE'S JUSTDOING...

>> IT'S JUST... (IMITATES CRASH)AND JUST BLEEDING.

>> OH, NO, NO.

CHRIS...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S REALLY HARDERTHAN IT LOOKS.

>> CHRIS, IF YOU DIE, LIKE FOURSHOWS WON'T HAVE A HOST.

SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, I'MFINE.

UH...

NEXT UP, HOW ABOUT THIS YOLOROLO?

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> ON MY WAY INTO HONEY BOOBOO'S MOUTH.

>> HARDWICK: THAT IS... THIS ISTHE ONLY CONTEXT WHERE IT'S

ACC... WHERE IT'S ACCEPTABLE TOSAY THAT.

UH, POINTS.

UH, IAN EDWARDS.

>> UH, ON MY WAY TO LOOK LIKEI'M BREAKING OUT OF THAT SHIT

PIPE ON "THE SHAWSHANKREDEMPTION."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

OH.

>> OH, GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB.

>> THAT WAS A FUCKING TREADINGWATER.

>> HARDWICK: ROLO ANDY DUFRESNECRAWLED THROUGH TWO MILES OF

SHIT I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

YEAH.

ALSO, I MAKE ALL THE TOYS FORBRUCE WAYNE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, THIS GOOFYDUDE.

HUH, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

>> BY THE WAY, ON MY WAY TOWHITNEY'S HOUSE 'CAUSE SHE'S

INTO IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> I'M NOT MAD AT THAT.

>> HARDWICK: I'M-I'M A SHOWER,NOT A GROWER.

IAN.

>> UH, ON MY WAY BACK FROMSTEALING YOUR GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> YES!

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS HIGH-STRUNGHEDGEHOG?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> ON MY WAY TO SUCK GOOFY'SGIANT SWINGING DICK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CAN'T GET THERE FAST ENOUGH.

WHITNEY.

>> ON MY WAY TO BLOW JEFF DUNHAMFOR A JOB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IAN.

>> ON MY WAY TO GIVE YOUR GIRLSYPHILIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

>> YEAH, WHAT?

>> WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

>> WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

>> SYPHILIS-- THAT'S ANOLD-SCHOOL STD, THAT'S VERY OLD

SCHOOL.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT A MISTRANSLATION THAT

RESULTED IN GOOGLE ACCIDENTALLYPROMOTING A CLITORIS FESTIVAL IN

ESPAÑA, AND I ASKED YOU...

THE CLITORIS IN ESPAÑA.

UH, I ASKED YOU TO WRITE ATRIPADVISOR REVIEW OF YOUR TIME

AT THE SPANISH CLITORISFESTIVAL.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

CHRIS D'ELIA, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> I HAD A GREAT TIME, BUT MYGIRLFRIEND WAS UPSET SHE DIDN'T

COME.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

HOW SELFISH.

>> BY THE WAY, DON'T-DON'TAPPLAUD THAT.

NONE OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS HAVEEVER HAD ORGASMS.

>> UNTIL ME!

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS D'ELIA,ORGASM TORNADO.

>> I BET-I BET YOU'RE AWESOME,YOU'RE JUST, LIKE... (IMITATES

SHOOTING)>> YEAH.

UNTIL CHRIS D'TREE-A.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

(SCOFFS) WHATEVER.

>> HARDWICK: IAN EDWARDS.

>> IF YOU GO DOWN ON THE SLIDE,IT'S ONLY COURTEOUS THAT THE

SLIDE GO DOWN ON YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

ALL RIGHT.

>> FAIR'S FAIR, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> A BUNCH OF CONFUSED TEENAGEBOYS POKING AROUND THE BACK,

TRYING TO FIND THE MAINENTRANCE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN...

I WANT TO THANK YOU GUYS, ALLRIGHT?

YOU KNOW, WE-WE TACKLED THISSTORY, UH, THE CLITORIS IS A

VERY SENSITIVE TOPIC.

UH...

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT

GAME, SYNOPTIC NERVES.

SYNOPTIC NERVES.

AFI FEST BEGINS THIS WEEK.

THE MOVIE FESTIVAL SHOWCASINGSEVERAL SURE-TO-BE OSCAR

CONTENDERS AS WELL AS A COUPLEOF STINK BOMBS.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

UH, AFI IS FAMOUS FOR COMPILINGTHE LIST OF THE 100 GREATEST

AMERICAN FILMS OF ALL TIME.

BUT WHO'S GOT TIME TO WATCH 100MOVIES, HUH?

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA MOVIE FROM AFI'S LIST OF THE

GREATEST FILMS OF ALL TIME, ANDI WANT YOU TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME

USING ONLY FIVE WORDS, ALLRIGHT?

HERE WE GO, FIRST ONE.

KING KONG.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> WOMAN SAVED FROM APE DICKING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO CHRISD'ELIA.

>> OH, GOD.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS AMAZING.

UH, NEXT ONE.

STAR WARS.

>> NO!

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> CLOSETED GOLDEN ROBOT ROAMSDESERT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY, POINTS.

UH, NEXT ONE.

LORD OF THE RINGS.

>> NO WAY, NO WAY!

>> WE GOT TO SWITCH BUZZERS.

>> THERE'S... THIS IS RACIST.

>> HOW FUCKING LONG IS THIS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

EPICALLY SWEEPING THIS ROUND.

>> THESE BUZZERS ARE SEXIST ANDRACIST.

>> RACIST.

I CONCUR.

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T SEE APROBLEM, I DON'T SEE THE...

>> YEAH, I BET.

>> THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

>> HARDWICK: AS A WHITE MALE, ASA WHITE MALE, I DON'T SEE...

YEAH, COME ON, I GET IT, WHAT'STHE PROBLEM?

>> NO!

THERE'S NO WAY!

>> HARDWICK: I'LL TELL YOUWHAT...

>> DON'T BRING A J DATE.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

AN EPIC AMOUNT OF PEACOCKINGAFTER A WONDERFUL WIN.