Workaholics
Season 3

The Future Is Gnar

  • Season 3, Ep 20
  • 03/20/2013

When Alice introduces an automated calling system, Blake imagines a future where the machines have taken over.

- I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

- MM.

[stammers]WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

- GOOD. THAT'S THE WAYI LIKE IT.

BUT THAT'S ALL ABOUTTO CHANGE.

- SO, YOU'VE FINALLY COME

TO HAVE ME SLAVE AWAYIN YOUR VAGINA,

AS YOUR SEX SLAVE.

THAT'S FINE.

I'LL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

BUT I WILLNEVER LOVE YOU, ALICE.

I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU!

- STEP ASIDE, YOU TROLL.

- OH, GOOD ONE: TROLL.

YEAH, RIGHT.- I'M HERE FOR BLAKE.

- OH, 'CAUSE OF HIS HAIR?'CAUSE YOU'RE INTO TROLLS?

- NO. BECAUSE IT'S TIMEFOR HIS ORIENTATION.

- OH, [bleep], SORRY.

- ALICE, PLEASE, I HAVEN'TEVEN LIVED YET, ALL RIGHT?

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TRYCARL'S JR.'S CRISSCUT FRIES.

- SERIOUSLY?- YEAH, YOU KNOW.

I'M AN ONION RING GUY.

MONTEZ, WAYMOND, NO! DON'T!

OH, MY GOD.

[burbling]I CAN FEEL IT. OH.

- OH, GOD!

IT'S TOO LATE TO ABORT IT,

WHICH IS EXACTLYWHAT MY MOM USED

TO SAY ABOUT ME.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO MURDER YOU.I'M GONNA HAVE TO MURDER HIM.

- NO, ADAM, NO...- WAIT, WAIT...

HE'S NOT ORIENTAL OT ORIENTAL YET.

LOOK AT HIS EYES.

YOU COULD TELL IF HE WENTAL BY HIS EY

BUT WE DO GOTTO GET THAT PROBE OUT OF HIM.

[stomach burbling]

OH.- OH, GOD. OOH.

- I THINK I KNOW HOWTO GET IT OUT.

- HUH? WHAT?both: HOW?

- WHAT ARE YOU--- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- YEAH.

- TRACKER ON.

GET TO THE SUPPLY CLOSET NOW!

[beeps]

DEFENSE MECH ARMED.

[probe beeping]- YOU HEAR THAT? I'M BEEPING.

- YEAH, GET IT OUT, DERS.- GET IT OUT.

- CAN YOU HEAR IT?- STOP PLAYING.

- [stammers] I COULD KILL HIM,I COULD STILL KILL HIM.

- YEAH, MAN, THIS IS AN OPTION.- [groaning]

- OH, LOOK.

[both screaming]

- OH, MY GOD,IT'S A TAPEWORM!

I'VE HAD ONE OF THOSE.17 FEET LONG.

DOCTOR TOLD ME I HADTO QUIT EATING RAW GROUND BEEF.

WHICH I DID.

FOR A WHILE.

- IT'S NOT A TAPEWORM!

IT'S THE THING!OBVIOUSLY.

- YES, OBVIOUSLY.- RIGHT, TOTALLY.

- COME OVER HERE,AND HELP ME GET IT OUT.

- KEEP PULLING IT OUTOF YOUR ASS[bleep].

- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE OKAY.

- I THINK YOU--YOU GOT THIS.

- ALL RIGHT, UH...

[laughs nervously]

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

OKAY.- OH, WAIT, NO, NO, NO.

- NOT A PRETTY VIEW.- SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN.

I THINK SOMETHING'S COMING.

- OH, YEAH, NO, THAT'S IT.THAT'S THE PROBE.

I SEE SOMETHING.

YEP, YEP.OH, HERE WE GO!

- [groaning]- WE GOT SOME LIGHTS.

[squish]all: OH!

OH!- OOH!

- WE GOT IT!DESTROY IT, ADAM!

DESTROY IT.- YEP.

[grunting]OKAY.

- YOU GET IT?- YEAH.

- NO, I HEAR IT.

IT'S STILL BEEPING INSIDE OF ME.

WE'RE NOT DONE, GUYS,IT'S STILL IN THERE!

- [over headsets]TO THE LEFT, HURRY!

AND BRING THEM BACK ALIVE.

BARELY.

both: YEP.- IT'S STILL IN THERE.

IT'S STILL IN THERE.OKAY, OKAY.

ROUND TWO, HERE WE GO.

- [moaning]- YEAH, NO.

YOU GOT IT.[stammers] KEEP IT UP.

GOOD WORK.

- YEP, I GOT IT SNAGGED.

- [screaming]

[skin ripping][all screaming]

- OH!- BOY! YIKES!

YES, YOU'RE GONNA HAVEA CASE OF "THE HEMMIES"

AFTER THIS ONE.

- FISSURES AND HEMMIES.

YOU MIGHTNEVER POOP AGAIN, DUDE.

WHICH WOULD SUCK FOR ME,I LOVE POOPING.

IT'S, LIKE, WHERE I GET MOSTOF MY READING DONE.

- [over headsets]GREAT. YOU'VE GOT THEM CORNERED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

KILL 'EM.[laughs]

- NO, GUYS--GUYS, STOP!

STOP, OKAY?

I'LL JUST BE A CYBORG.FORGET IT, ALL RIGHT?

JUST STOP PULLING THINGS OUTOF MY ASS!

- OKAY, I'LL HELP.

[both grunting savagely]

- OH!- THERE IT IS! THERE IT IS!

- OH! OH!

- BREAK IT!HURRY.

BREAK IT AND DESTROY IT!

COME ON!- [screaming]

OKAY, IT'S INDESTRUCTIBLE.

DON'T WE HAVE,LIKE, A STEAMROLLER

OR, LIKE, LAVA OR...

[door banging]WHAT DO WE DO?

[probe beeping]

- WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING,YOU IDIOTS?

FINISH THEM![device beeping]

THEY'RE HEADING DOWNTHE SOUTH HALLWAY.

[beeping faster] THEY'REHEADING TOWARDS MY OFFICE!

WAIT, THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!

GET HERE NOW!

[probe beeping]

WE'RE NOT GETTING PAST HIM.

HE'S SO DEADLY.LOOK AT HIM.

- OW!

- UM, MIRRORS.

[turkey carver rumbles]

IF WE CAN FINDSEVERAL MIRRORS...

SHH, ADAM.TRYING TO COME UP

WITH AN IDEA HERE.- DUDE!

- HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN KILL BILL?

- VOLUME ONE OR TWO?

- VOLUME NOW.

[shrieking]

AAH!

[grunting]

[screaming]

I GOT HIM!

- BILL!both: NO!

OH, SHEESH.- UGH.

- ALL RIGHT.

- BILL! NO!

[overlapping shouting]

- ADAM, YOU CAN'T KILL THEM!

BILL, HE'S STILL IN THERE.

HE'S JUST UNDER MIND CONTROL.

- YEAH.- OH, I THOUGHT HE--

I THOUGHT HE WAS LIKEAN EVIL ROBOT.

- NO! OH!

YOU DIDN'T KNOW.HE DIDN'T KNOW.

CYBORGS ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN EVIL ROBOTS, OKAY?

THINK OF ROBOCOP, RIGHT?- YEAH, YEAH.

- HE WOULD HAVE THOSE FLASHBACKSTO WHEN HE WAS A MAN.

- OH, SO HE'S ACTUALLY--HE'S HALF-HUMAN.

- YES, HE'S STILL HUMAN.- I KILLED A HUMAN!

- YOU KILLED A HUMAN, DUDE.- OH, MY GOSH.

OH, SORRY, BILL.- YEAH.

- OKAY, WE HOP OVER THE FENCE.

HOP ON A PLANE,IF THEY STILL EXIST,

AND BE THE KINGSOF THE LAS VEGAS STRAP.

- [over P.A.]ATTENTION, JILLIAN AND JET SET,

PREPARE FOR ORIENTATION.

YOUR TIME IS NOW.

- JET AND JILL.

- YOU GUYS, WE GOTTO DO SOMETHING.

I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ABOUTTO GO THROUGH.

- UH-UH, NO.

THIS IS A TRAP.THIS IS TRICKERY!

THIS IS TOMFOOLERY!

LET'S GO TO VEGAS!

[helicopter blades whirring]

VEGAS!

- NO, DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS ISN'TJUST ABOUT SAVING THOSE GUYS.

IT'S ABOUTTAKING BACK TELAMERICORP.

RECLAIMING THE COMPANYTHAT GAVE US NOTHING.

IT'S A DIRTY JOB, BUT...SOMEBODY'S GOTTA MIKE ROWE IT.

- HEY, BLAKE?

- HUH?

- [bleep] YO SPEECH! WHOO!

- YOU HAD TO SAY THAT.- VEGAS!

NO! AAH!

HELP!

- ADAM, I GOT YOU!

[both screaming shakily]

- OH, I GOTTA--I GOTTA GET A GIF OF THIS!

- [screaming]- DERS...GET...US...OFF!

- [laughs]OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

- DERS, GET ME OFF!

[both screaming shakily]

- OH, MY GOD!- YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY?

- I'M SORRY.- YOU THINK THAT WAS--

LET ME SEE IT!- I'M--

- LET ME SEE IT!- SORRY.

- AAH!

- OH, THIS IS FUNNY.

- HUH? [laughs]- THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY.

- IT'S PRETTY FUNNY, RIGHT?- THAT WAS GOOD.

- THANK YOU.- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GO BACKAND SAVE THE DAY!

END TYRANNY!

FIND THE SWITCH FOR THE FENCE!

- OH, I GOT A BONERFOR SOME REASON.

- MM, YEAH.- WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT?

- YEAH.- HUH? 'CAUSE.

- 'CAUSE WHY?- WHY?

- IT WAS IN MY BUTT, DUDE.- THAT WAS IN HIS ANUS.

- TO STUDY...BECAUSE THE, UM...

JUST GO FIGHT YOUR ONE,ALREADY, PLEASE.

- YEAH, GO, YOU GOT HIM.- ALL RIGHT, WISH ME LUCK.

- GOOD LUCK.- WHOO!

[screams]

[grunts]

WHOA.WHOO!

YOU ARE A BITCH, CYBORG MONTEZ!

YOU ARE A BITCH!

- [screams]

SORRY, JET SET![whoosh, thud]

YEAH!- OH!

[grunting]

- OH, WAS THAT A ROUNDHOUSE?- YOU KNOW IT.

- WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO ROUNDHOUSES, DUDE?

- [screams]

I DON'T WANNA DO THIS, JILLIAN.

[grunts]

OH!- WHOA.

- OH!- BLAKE, STOP MESSING AROUND!

- [tight voice]I'M NOT MESSING AROUND.

SHE'S CRUSHING MY TESTICLES.

OW!OH, OH.

- LET'S SEE IF I CAN CRUSHHER TESTICLES.

[grunts]

OH![choking]

OH!OH, OW.

- SWIM DIVE!

YEAH--OH!

[all grunting]

- GUYS!THE XEROX MACHINE.

- COPY THAT.

[grunts]

- ATTACK!NOW! EWW, OH!

[grunts]COME ON, DEMAMP!

- TRIPLE DUDE ATTACK![grunts]

[squish]all: OH!

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, STRETCH.

[beep][energy shimmering]

all: WHOA!- OH, MY GOD!

- TOM GREEN!WOW, REALLY BIG FAN.

REALLY BIG FAN.- I'M A HUGE FAN.

- [metallic voice]MY BUM IS ON THE CHEESE.

MY BUM IS ON THE CHEESE.- CYBER TOM GREEN,

THAT'S--THAT'S AWESOME,BUT YOU NEED TO SHUT IT DOWN.

- YEAH.- BECAUSE SOON ENOUGH,

THE CYBORGS,THEY'RE GONNA COME FOR YOU.

- THESE MACHINESWOULD DIE FOR ME,

BECAUSE THEY NEED METO SURVIVE.

OH, WHAT, DO YOU HAVEA PROBLEM WITH THAT?

[scoffs]KILL THEM ALREADY.

[energy humming]

all: OH!

- SWEDISH?- SOMETHING HAPPENED.

THE MACHINES!THEY'RE TAKING OVER!

- NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- THE KEY CARD!

WE'VE GOTTA GETTO THE MAINFRAME!

[grunts]SCREW IT!

- POOR ALICE,SHE'S NEVER GONNA BANG ME.

- DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKESOME SAUSAGE?

DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKESOME SAUSAGES?

DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKESOME SAUSAGE?

[all screaming]

DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKESOME SAUSAGES?

SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES!

- GET IN AND BARRICADE THE DOOR!BARRICADE THE DOOR!

[all shouting, panting]

- 'SUP, TINA?YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE COMPUTER.

OH, I'M GONNA DRAIN YOU.

I'M GONNA DRAIN YOU GOOD.

[screams]- COME ON!

SHUT HER DOWN, DEMAMP!- THERE IT IS!

- WE CAN'T HOLD HIM MUCH LONGER!

- I'M TRYING!IT'S MUCH HARDER THAN IT LOOKS!

- ALL RIGHT, WELL--TRY A "COME HITHER" MOTION.

- OH, I'M "HITHERING."OH, I'M "HITHERING," BABY!

- "HITHER" HARDER!

- COME ON!YOU COME FOR ME!

[energy hisses]both: OH!

- OH, MY GOD.- OKAY.

- PLEASE, NOT MY FACE!

- UH, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING.- SOMETHING GOOD?

- SOMETHING...BEAUTIFUL!

[screams]

[epic music]

- OH!

- [screams]

OH, COME ON!OH, OH, OH.

[panting]

- HEY, UH, IT'S--IT'S WAY OVER.

- YEAH?- YEAH, IT'S--

- YEAH, WE DID IT?- YEAH.

- YOU GOT HIM.- [laughs]

- OH, NO!OH, MY GOD!

WE KILLED MY HERO.

- [screams][all screaming]

- JEEZ!

- WHERE AM I?

I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.- WELL, UH...

WELL, YOU WERE A ROBOT...- YEAH.

- AND THEN NOW YOU'RE--

YOU'RE JUST NORMAL-ASSTOM GREEN,

WHICH IS PRETTY COOL.- CYBORG.

- YEAH, AND ACTUALLY...

WE ARE YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.

SO...- YEP.

- LIKE, YOUR BEST FRIENDS.- WELCOME BACK.

- YEAH.- WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

- THANKS, GUYS.- YEAH, WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO.

- THANKS, GUYS.- HEY! THEY'RE OKAY!

- UH-HUH.- [laughs]

- OH, MY GOD.WE'RE HEROES!

- WELL, UH, I DON'T KNOWABOUT THAT.

WE--WE KILLED BILL, ACTUALLY.- YES.

VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT.I DID KILL BILL.

- MURDERED.- THAT WAS MY BAD.

I MURDERED HIM.I ACTUALLY HOPE

HE'S BANGING ALICE'S DEAD BODYIN THE AFTERLIFE.

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