CC Presents: Stella

  • Season 8, Ep 22
  • 05/13/2004

>> WOW.

THANK YOU.

>> TO MY RIGHT OVER HERE,

MICHAEL SHOWALTER.

>> THANK YOU.

>> TO MY LEFT,

MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> AND OF COURSE, TO MY RIGHT,

MICHAEL SHOWALTER.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> YOU GUY'S, WE ARE GONNA HAVE

A REALLY FUN--

>> AND I'M DAVID WAIN.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU GUYS, WE ARE GONNA HAVE A

REALLY FUN TIME HERE TONIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> WE ARE GOING TO TEACH YOU

A CHEER.

WE'RE GONNA DO COOL THINGS.

AND LET'S START THE EVENING WITH

SOME AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.

WHAT I NEED FROM SOMEBODY IS THE

NAME OF A CELEBRITY.

Audience Member: LIZA MINNELLI!

Audience Member: C. THOMAS

HOWELL!

>> THE FIRST NAME I HEARD WAS

LIZA MINNELLI.

YOU ARE SICK.

YOU'RE SICK!

>> NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE

SICK.

I CAN SEE THAT YOUR GLANDS ARE

SWOLLEN.

YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

>> NO, NO, NO.

SHE DOESN'T NEED A DOCTOR.

ALL YOU NEED IS BED REST AND

LOTS OF LIQUIDS, AND BUTT SEX--

>> HEY--

YOU GUY'S, LATER IN THE SHOW,

WE ARE GONNA USE THE NAME

LIZA MINNELLI IN A WAY THAT IS

LITERALLY GOING TO BLOW YOUR

MIND.

>> HERE'S SOMETHING WE LIKE

TO DO.

THIS IS A LITTLE BIT OF A

"GET TO KNOW YOU" EXERCISE,

JUST A WAY FOR US TO HAVE SOME

INTIMACY IN THE ROOM.

EVERYBODY, TURN TO THE PERSON

NEXT TO YOU AND INTRODUCE

YOURSELF.

SAY, "HELLO.

MY NAME IS SO-AND-SO,"

UNLESS THAT'S NOT YOUR NAME.

AND THEN PAY THEM A COMPLIMENT.

SAY SOMETHING NICE, LIKE

"I LIKE YOUR SWEATER."

AND THEN TURN TO THEM AND SAY,

"I WANT YOU INSIDE ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

FOLKS, IT'S NOT A SEXUAL THING.

>> NO.

IF IT LEADS TO SEX, GREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND IF IT LEADS TO WEDDING

BELLS, YOU BETTER INVITE US.

>> HEY.

I'LL GO ANYWHERE FOR

PEEL-AND-EAT SHRIMP.

[LAUGHTER]

In Unison: OH!

YOU GUYS,THE THREE OF US

HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONGTIME.

>> YEAH.

>> AND WE DO A LOT OF THINGSTOGETHER.

WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

OUR MENSTRUAL CYCLES ARE IN SYNCNOW.

>> IN FACT, THIS YEAR, WE'REGONNA SPEND THANKSGIVING DINNER

TOGETHER.

AND I JUST WANNA SAY THAT I AMSO EXCITED TO BE SPENDING THIS

THANKSGIVING WITH TWO OF MYBEST FRIENDS, DAVID AND MICHAEL.

>> AND I AM SO EXCITED TO BESPENDING THANKSGIVING DINNER

WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.

[LAUGHTER]>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M

EXCITED ABOUT, HAVINGTHANKSGIVING DINNER AND GETTING

ME ONE OF THEM DRUMSTICKS.

>> OH.

OH, MY GOD.

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER?

>> NO, DAVID.

IT'S JUST SO PRESUMPTUOUS OFYOU TO ASSUME THAT YOU WOULD

HAVE A DRUMSTICK WHEN YOU KNOWHOW MUCH I LIKE DRUMSTICKS.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKEDDRUMSTICKS.

>> OH, YOU ARE LYING THROUGHYOUR TEETH, DAVID.

WE HAD A LONG CONVERSATIONJUST THE OTHER DAY ABOUT MY LOVE

FOR THE STICK.

[LAUGHTER]>> WELL, FINE, MICHAEL.

THERE'S TWO DRUMSTICKS ON THETURKEY.

>> OH, SO I DON'T GET ADRUMSTICK, DAVID?

>> WELL, YOU NEVER SAIDANYTHING ABOUT WANTING A

DRUMSTICK.

>> WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IHAD TO WRITE MY NAME IN BLOOD ON

THE TURKEY TO GET A DRUMSTICK,DAVID.

>> FORGET IT. I TAKE IT BACK.

>> YOU CAN'T IT BACK, DAVID.

IT'S OUT THERE NOW.

IT'S FLOATING IN THE ETHER.

>> IT IS FLOATING IN THE ETHERLIKE A TURD.

[LAUGHTER]>> YOU GUY'S, THERE ARE OTHER

PARTS OF A TURKEY.

>> OH, REALLY, DAVID?

NAME ONE.

I DEFY YOU TO NAME ONE OTHERPART OF THE TURKEY.

>> THE WING.

>> THE WING.

THAT IS SO OBVIOUS.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE WING?

>> WING IS GOOD.

WING'S A GOOD ONE.

>> NOW, WAIT A SECOND.

HOW COME HE SAID IT'S GOOD WHENI SAY IT'S OBVIOUS?

>> 'CAUSE THERE'S TWO WINGS ONA TURKEY, DAVID.

AND YOUR WING WAS OBVIOUS.

AND MICHAEL'S WING WASFASCINATING.

>> NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

REALLY, REALLY.

YOU GUYS EACH TAKE A DRUMSTICK.

I WON'T HAVE ONE.

>> NO, DAVID.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE.

OR ELSE THE WHOLE WORLD WILLCOME CRASHING DOWN ON YOUR HEAD.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WON'T HAVE ONE.

I'LL STARVE MYSELF TO DEATH LIKEKAREN CARPENTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS, LOOK.

HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO.

WHOEVER WANTS A DRUMSTICK,RAISE YOUR HAND.

In Unison: OKAY.

I WANT A DRUMSTICK.

>> YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET THISGO, ARE YOU?

>> I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I WANT A DRUMSTICK.

>> DAVID, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUANYMORE.

I THINK DAVID'S RIGHT.

HE DESERVES A DRUMSTICK AS MUCHAS YOU OR I.

AND I HAVE A COMPROMISE THAT ITHINK WILL MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY.

I'M GONNA ASK WHO WANTS ADRUMSTICK AGAIN.

AND WHEN I DO, DAVID, JUST FORTHE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, DON'T

RAISE YOUR HAND.

OKAY?

>> BUT I DO WANT A DRUMSTICK.

>> NO, I KNOW.

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE.

I'M JUST SAYING FOR THE SAKEOF ARGUMENT, DON'T RAISE YOUR

HAND.

>> YEAH, IT'S FOR THE SAKE OFARGUMENT.

>> OKAY.

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WHO WANTS A DRUMSTICK?

In Unison: I WANT A DRUMSTICK.

>> GREAT.

SO, YOU AND I WILL HAVEDRUMSTICKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CUT.

YOU GUYS, BUT I WANTED TO HAVE ADRUMSTICK.

>> HEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAVID?

MICHAEL AND I FEEL REALLY GOODABOUT THIS DECISION.

AND WE REALLY NEED YOU TO BEHAPPY FOR US RIGHT NOW.

>> CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPYFOR US, DAVID?

>> WE REALLY NEED YOUR SUPPORT,OKAY, BUDDY?

>> SURE.

FINE, WHATEVER.

>> WAY TO GO, DAVE.

>> YOU DID IT, DAVID.

YOU DID IT.

GOOD JOB.

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO HEARTHE OFFICIAL STELLA CHEER?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

>> NO, NO, NO, YOU GUY'S.

HE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

HE HAS ANINNER EAR DISORDER.

>> I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M REALLY SCAREDRIGHT NOW.

>> WAIT.

MICHAEL, I CAN FIX YOU.

>> I'M FIXED.

>> THANK GOD.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

>> KEEP GOING.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GUY'S.

HERE'S THE OFFICIALSTELLA CHEER.

AND YOU'LL KNOWWHEN TO JOIN IN.

IT GOES LIKE THIS.

♪ STAND UP AND CHEER ♪ FOR STELLA

♪ STAND UP AND CHEER TODAY >> ♪ CHEER, CHEER, CHEER

♪ FOR STELLA ♪ STAND UP AND CHEER TODAY

>> WHEN I SAY "STELLA",YOU SAY "CHEER."

STELLA.

Audience: CHEER.

>> STELLA.

Audience: CHEER.

WHEN I SAY "PARTY",YOU SAY "BEER."

PARTY.

Audience: BEER.

>> PARTY.

Audience: BEER.

>> WHEN I SAY "BAGEL",YOU SAY "SHMEAR."

BAGEL.

Audience: SHMEAR.

>> BAGEL.

Audience: SHMEAR.

>> WHEN I SAY "UNCOOKED",YOU SAY "REAR."

UNCOOKED.

Audience: REAR.

>> UNCOOKED.

Audience: REAR.

>> WHEN I SAY "KING",YOU SAY "LEAR."

KING.

Audience: LEAR.

>> KING.

Audience: LEAR.

>> WAIT, MIKE.

STOP, STOP, STOP.

WAIT, YOU GUY--YOU GUYS, STOP.

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER?

>> STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP.

I WANNA GO BACKTO WHAT YOU SAID.

>> OH, WHAT?

>> WHEN I SAY "UNCOOKED"-->> WHEN I SAY "UNCOOKED",

YOU SAY "REAR."

UNCOOKED.

Audience: REAR.

>> UNCOOKED.

Audience: REAR.

>> WHEN YOU SAY "PANTYHOSE",YOU SAY "SHEER."

>> WAIT, STOP, STOP, STOP.

HEY, AD ROCK, AD ROCK, STOP.

IT SHOULD BE "RARE."

WHEN I SAY "UNCOOKED",YOU SAY "RARE."

>> OH WELL, THE NEW ENGLANDPRONUNCIATION WOULD BE

"YOU'D HAVE A STEAK THAT'SCOOKED 'REAR'."

THEY WOULD SAY THAT INNEW ENGLAND.

>> THAT'S THE NEW ENGLANDPRONUNCIATION?

>> YES, IT IS.

>> YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'STRUE, DAVID.

>> YEAH, HERE.

I CAN DEMONSTRATE.

WE'LL DO, LIKE, A LITTLEROLE-PLAY AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT

I MEAN.

MIKE, I WANT YOU TO PLAY THEPART OF A GUY FROM

MASSACHUSETTS.

OKAY, WHO'S GONNA GO INTO ARESTAURANT AND ORDER A STEAK

"RARE", BUT IN THE NEW ENGLANDACCENT.

OKAY?

DO YOU GET IT?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.

AND MIKE, YOU PLAY THE PART OFTHE WAITER TAKING HIS ORDER,

OKAY?

>> IS THAT A GOOD PART?

[LAUGHTER]>> YEAH, IT'S A GOOD PART.

SO, NOW WHAT-->> JUST BECAUSE-- AND I'M NOT

TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT ABOUTTHIS OR ANYTHING.

BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE IF THAT'STHE BETTER PART...

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT?

I-->> NO.

I'M-- JUST--I SHOULD PROBABLY DO IT, JUST--

>> WHY?

I DON'T--[LAUGHTER]

>> 'CAUSE I'M ON ED.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH?

THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I WANT YOU TO DO IT.

>> THANKS, MIKE.

>> ARE WE SETTLED?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.

SO NOW, IF WE CAN JUST CHANGETHE LIGHTS TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

A NICE NEW ENGLAND RESTAURANTAND THIS'LL BE THE CHAIR.

YOU'LL COME AND SIT DOWN.

AND I TAKE YOU NOW TO ANEW ENGLAND RESTAURANT.

[LAUGHTER][SHIVERING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER]

>> GOOD EVENING, SIR.

WELCOME TO THE NEW ENGLANDRESTAURANT.

[LAUGHTER]>> YES, WELL.

IT'S AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]THERE'S QUITE A STORM BREWING

OUTSIDE THE N'OREASTER,DON'T YOU KNOW?

>> YES.

WELL, HERE IS OUR MENU.

>> THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE?

>> YES.

I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN CUTLET...

>> HOLD, HOLD.

WAIT, STOP, STOP.

YOU NEED TO ORDER A STEAK.

KEEP GOING.

KEEP GOING.

>> OH NO, THE STEAK'S THEFARTHEST THING FROM MY MIND.

[LAUGHTER]>> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE WHOLE REASON WE SET UP THISWHOLE SCENE IS SO YOU CAN ORDER

THE STEAK SO WE CAN HEAR YOU SAYTHE WORD "REAR."

>> OH.

THIS IS GONNA BE AWKWARD.

SEE, DAVID, MY CHARACTER DOESN'TEAT RED MEAT.

>> OH, COME ON, MICHAEL!

>> NO, DAVID, NO.

YOU ASKED ME TO COME UP WITHA CHARACTER FROM NEW ENGLAND,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID.

HIS NAME IS RICHARD.

HE'S FROM FRAMINGHAM.

>> WELL, RICHARD CAN ORDER ASTEAK!

>> NO, HE CAN'T, DAVID,'CAUSE HE'S VEGAN!

>> HE JUST ORDERED A CHICKENCUTLET!

>> YEAH, BECAUSE HE'S FLAWED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, DAVID, THAT'S WHAT

ATTRACTED ME TO THE CHARACTERIN THE FIRST PLACE,

HIS CONTRADICTIONS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL,YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU ARE FIRED.

>> NO.

I QUIT.

>> WHATEVER.

I CAN DO THIS.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

I'LL BE THE CUSTOMER.

YOU'RE THE WAITER.

TAKE MY ORDER.

ASK ME WHAT I WANT.

>> OH.

DAVID, YOU'RE NOT IN MY SECTION.

>> OH, COME ON, MICHAEL.

>> NO, WE SPLIT TIPS HERE,DAVID.

>> WOULD YOU PLEASE, PLEASEJUST DO THIS?

>> FINE, FINE.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT?

>> OH, I'LL HAVE A STEAK.

NOW ASK ME HOW I WANT IT COOKED.

>> HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT COOKED?

>> I'LL HAVE IT COOKED REAR.

DO YOU SEE?

DO YOU SEE NOW?

>> DAVID, YOU SOUND LIKE A GAYAUSTRALIAN FROG.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]>> FINE, WHATEVER.

WHY DON'T WE JUST FINISH THECHEER?

>> FINE.

>> OKAY.

WHEN I SAY "JOHN",YOU SAY "DEERE."

JOHN.

Audience: DEERE.

>> JOHN.

Audience: DEERE.

Stella In Unison:LAWN MOWERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, DO YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR MYIDEA OF A PERFECT SUMMER DAY?

YEAH.

OOH, YEAH.

MY IDEA OF A PERFECT SUMMERDAY IS--

♪ [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S 75 DEGREES CELSIUS.

HMM.

HM-HM-HM-HM.

I'M WEARING MY FAVORITELINEN CULOTTES,

MY BLOUSE IS UNBUTTONED,LIKE, TO MY NAVEL,

AND I JUST SPEND THE DAYSWINGING IN MY HAMMOCK

GETTING TOTALLY DOUCHEDBY THE SPRINKLER.

MICHAEL, THAT IS A PERFECTSUMMER DAY...

ALMOST.

WELL, SET ME STRAIGHT,GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]

MY IDEA OF THE PERFECT

SUMMER DAY IS...

♪ I'M SITTING IN MY GARDEN,

AND IT'S FILLED WITH LILY PADSLIKE THAT CLAUDE MONéT

PAINTING CALLED "LILY PADS."

AND I'M SIPPING A TALL, COOLGLASS OF MARTINI AND ROSSI

ASTI SPUMANTI LEMON SPRITZER.

AND I'M LISTENING TO THE MOSTRECENT STARBUCKS CHILL-OUT

MELLOW MIX CD SAMPLER.

AND I AM, LIKE, TOTALLY BONINGMY DAD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT IS THE PERFECTSUMMER DAY...

BUT NOT QUITE.

OH.

MY IDEA OF A PERFECTSUMMER DAY IS--

♪ FIRST, I WATCH MY SEX AND THE

CITY DVD, SECOND SEASON, BEFORECARRIE GOT TOTALLY ANNOYING.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

AND THEN I JUST SPEND THE WHOLEAFTERNOON LOUNGING IN THE POOL

FARTING.

BUBBLES RISING, RISING ANDEXPLODING WITH THE AROMA OF THE

FISH AND MEAT BUFFET I GORGED ONAN HOUR BEFORE.

AND THEN A LITTLE TEENY, WEENYPIECE OF POO COMES OUT MY BUTT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT REALLY IS THE PERFECTSUMMER DAY.

>> I WAS JUST THINKING, DO YOU

GUYS KNOW THAT SONG,

"WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING"?

>> IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

IT'S SO EVOCATIVE.

>> I KNOW.

I LOVE THE EWOKS.

THEY'RE SO CUTE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT

THAT PHRASE, "IRISH EYES."

I WONDER WHAT THEY MEAN.

>> I THINK IT MEANS

ALCOHOL-INFLAMED, BLOODSHOT

EYES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S ALSO

THE GREAT TRADITION OF IRISH

WRITERS-- JAMES JOYCE--

SHAMUS HANEY, SHAQUILLE O'NEAL?

HEY, DO EITHER OF YOU GUYS KNOW

ANY IRISH LIMERICKS?

>> I DON'T.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO.

>> OH.

>> IT GOES LIKE THIS.

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM

NANTUCKET WHOSE ROD WAS SO LONG

THAT HE COULD GET BALL-DEEP UP

IN THAT.

AND THEN HE'D BE LIKE, IN IT.

AND SHE'D BE LIKE "OH, BABY,

THAT'S MY SPOT, THAT'S MY SPOT.

KEEP GOING.

NO, DON'T STOP, BABY,

THAT'S MY SPOT.

CAREFUL, I'M OVULATING."

AND HE'S LIKE "NO, IT'S OKAY,

I USE THE RHYTHM METHOD."

AND THEN HE SHOT HIS JUNK.

>> HMM.

THAT'S GREAT.

I PARTICULARLY LIKE THE PART

ABOUT WHEN HE SHOT HIS JUNK.

>> YEAH.

I ACTUALLY SAID IT WRONG.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO, "AND THEN

HE SHOT HIS JUNK."

YOU SEE?

FOR THE METER?

>> OH, FOR THE METER.

>> YES.

>> WHAT ABOUT THAT GREAT IRISH

FOOD ON ST. PATTY'S DAY, LIKE,

I WOULD LOVE TO GET ME SOME

CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE.

YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.

>> I'M GONNA GET ME SOME IRISH

SODA BREAD AND FISH TACOS.

YUM, YUM, YUMMY, YUM.

>> I'M GONNA GET ME CORNED BEEF

AND CABBAGE AND IRISH SODA BREAD

AND FISH TACOS.

YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.

>> MIKE, IF YOU ATE ALL THAT

FOOD, YOU'D GET A TUMMY ACHE.

>> [BLEEP] YOU, DAVID!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I AM NOT GOING TO GET A TUMMY

ACHE!

>> MICHAEL, I REALLY JUST THINK

YOU ARE OVERREACTING HERE.

>> NO!

>> ALL I SAID WAS YOU'RE GONNA

GET A TUMMY ACHE.

>> I AM NOT GOING TO GET--

I HATE BOTH OF YOU!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HATE BOTH OF YOU.

KINDA SERIOUS I WANNA SAY,

WHICH IS THAT--

THIS HAS JUST BEEN A WONDERFUL

EXPERIENCE DOING THIS WITH YOU

GUYS.

AND NOW THAT IT'S OVER,

I'M REALLY GENUINELY GONNA MISS

YOU TWO.

Audience: AW.

>> WOW, GOD.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THINGS TO GET

SO REAL.

BUT THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,

I'M GONNA MISS YOU GUYS, TOO.

HOW ABOUT YOU, MIKE?

>> I'LL BE FINE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> COME ON, MICHAEL, YOU NEVER

EXPRESS YOUR TRUE FEELINGS ABOUT

ANYTHING.

>> OH, OKAY.

I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD SHUT

THE HELL UP.

HOW'S THAT, DAVID?

>> MICHAEL.

>> WHAT?

DAVID WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

>> WELL, HE CAN HELP ME BY

GETTING OFF MY CASE AND STOP

ACTING LIKE MY PSYCHIATRIST,

DR. MORTON GREENFELD.

>> ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL.

WHAT DOES YOUR PSYCHOLOGIST SAY?

>> HE SAYS THAT IF I DO OPEN UP

AND SAY HOW I FEEL, I'LL GET

HURT.

>> MICHAEL, THAT WAS A VERY

BRAVE THING TO ADMIT.

>> YEAH.

AND I FEEL LIKE THIS THEATER

FILLED WITH PEOPLE WOULD BE A

REALLY SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR YOU

TO SHARE HOW YOU FEEL.

>> COME ON, MICHAEL.

TELL US HOW YOU FEEL.

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

UM...

I FEEL REALLY SAD--

[MAKES FART NOISE]

>> MICHAEL?

>> WHAT?!

OKAY.

I MADE A FART NOISE INTO THE

MICROPHONE.

AND THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.

AND I APOLOGIZE.

KEEP GOING.

[APPLAUSE]

>> MIKE, HE'S NOT GONNA DO IT

AGAIN.

>> HE IS GONNA DO IT AGAIN.

>> I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

>> YOU SWEAR TO GOD?

>> YES, I SWEAR TO GALD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> COME ON.

>> TELL US HOW YOU FEEL.

>> ALL RIGHT.

UM...

IT'S LIKE I WAS SAYING,

I FEEL REALLY SAD.

[MAKES FART NOISE]

>> MICHAEL!

>> WHAT?!

>> YOU SWORE TO GOD!

>> I SWORE TO GALD.

HE'S THE GOD OF OPPOSITES.

>> YOU ARE REALLY STARTING

TO HURT MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.

>> NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR

FEELINGS, MICHAEL.

>> YOU ASKED ME HOW I FELT!

>> YEAH, SO THAT I COULD MAKE A

FART NOISE INTO THE MICROPHONE!

ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID?!

I MEAN, WHAT IN THE NAME OF--

In Unison: LIZA MINNELLI--

>> IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> LOOK AT THEM.

LOOK AT THEM STANDING OVER

THERE, PRETENDING TO BE FROZEN.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY TELL THEM

HOW I REALLY FEEL?

HOW CAN I TELL MICHAEL THAT

I'M GONNA MISS ALL THE FUN WE

HAD, ALL THE JOKES, THE BANTER,

THE TêTE-á-TTE?

HOW CAN I LOOK HIM IN THE EYE

AND TELL HIM THAT...

WHEN I'M NOT GONNA MISS DAVID

AT ALL?

BECAUSE I FIND DAVID TO BE,

UNTALENTED, LIKE BLOATED,

JEW BASTARD.

I GUESS I CAN'T.

I GUESS I CAN'T.

>> ANSWER THE QUESTION, MICHAEL.

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'RE THAT

STUPID?

ANGER.

ANGER DIRECTED AT YOU.

ANGER DIRECTED AT YOU.

>> STOP!

DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS IS JUST WHAT THEY WANT US

TO DO.

>> WHO'S THEY?

>> THE TALIBAN.

WHEN WE FIGHT, THEY WIN.

THEY WON HERE TONIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT US TO BE FRIENDS AGAIN.

>> ME, TOO.

>> I DO, TOO.

>> GROUP HUG?

>> GROUP HUG.

>> YEAH.

In Unison: YAY.

WE DID IT.

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