Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Kurt Metzger

  • Season 13, Ep 1
  • 01/11/2009

Kurt Metzger discusses Ben & Jerry's vs. Haagen-Dazs, NYC's culinary scene and STD test anxiety.

OH, DID YOU EVER HAVE THISHAPPEN TO YOU?

I WAS, UH [CHUCKLES]

I WAS HANGING WITH THIS GIRLALL NIGHT,

NOT HAVING SEX WITH HER.

UH, JUST DOING, LIKE,FRIEND STUFF.

I DIDN'T REALIZE -- I DIDN'TREALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

SHE BROUGHT OUT A PHOTO ALBUM,AT ONE POINT, FOR US TO LOOK AT.

THAT'S HOW MUCHSHE WAS NOT GONNA BANG ME.

SHE WAS TAKING OUT PICTURESOF HER FRIENDS AND PETS

TO LOOK ATAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND I WAS FAKING ENTHUSIASMABOUT THE PICTURES.

LIKE,"OH, THIS IS YOU AND YOUR CAT?

"THIS IS WONDERFUL.

"THIS IS SO MUCH BETTERTHAN YOU [BLEEP] ME.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH.

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE USSOME MORE COCOA?

"I'M GONNA GO HIT MY BALLSWITH A HAMMER!

WHO RAISED YOU?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF A GIRL IS REALLY YOUR FRIEND,SHE WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

IF SHE'S A REAL PAL, SHE WILLBREAK YOU OFF SOMETHING.

'CAUSE THINK OF, LIKE,YOUR GUY FRIENDS.

LIKE, MY FRIEND JAY,FOR EXAMPLE,

JUST GOT PlayStation 3, RIGHT?

AND I LOVE -- I REALLY WANTTO PLAY WITH IT, YOU KNOW?

AND HE LETS MEBECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANTPlayStation 3 IS TO ME.

HE DOESN'T SAY SOMETHING CRAZY,LIKE, "NO, I'M SORRY.

"WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

"I HAVE TO SAVE MY PlayStation

"FOR SOME DOUCHE BAG IN A BANDTHAT'S GOING NOWHERE,

"BECAUSE MY DAD LEFTWHEN I WAS YOUNG,

AND I'M [BLEEP] IN THE HEAD."

HE DOESN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

AND THEN I'D HAVE TO BE LIKE,

"WELL, CAN I JUST LOOKAT YOUR PlayStation 3, THEN,

"FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS?

"I'VE SEEN THEM BEFORE, BUTI WANT TO SEE YOUR PlayStation.

"I JUST WANT TO TAKE A PICTUREOF IT WITH MY PHONE.

"CAN I JUST STICKTHE TIP OF THE CORD

INTO THE OPENING IN THE BACKOF THE PlayStation?"

IS ANYBODYINTO RACIAL DATE HERE?

I HOPE SO.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALL RACISTSLIKE THAT.

MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND INMY WHOLE LIFE WAS PUERTO RICAN,

WHEN I LIVED IN JERSEY CITY,AND, UH...

[ CHEERING ]YEAH.

SHE WAS VERY TRADITIONAL.

A VERY TRADITIONAL PUERTO RICAN.

ACTUALLY,THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WORD.

SHE DID NOT SHAVE AT ALLDOWN THERE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY --

THERE WAS LIKE THREE POUNDSOF BRUSH TO GET THROUGH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW...

YEAH. I KNOW!

I KNOW!

SO MUCH.

WHAT DO YOU EVEN DOWITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

HOW DO YOU EVEN APPROACH THAT?

YOU JUST GOT TO GIVE IT A NOOGIEAS BEST YOU CAN.

YOU'RE LIKE,"COME HERE, PUERTO RICAN!

COME AND GET YOUR..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

I'M ALL FOR THE --YEAH, I'M ALL FOR MIXING,

ALTHOUGH I DON'T WANT --IF YOU LIKE --

HERE'S THE ONE TIMEI'M NOT EAGER

TO HEAR ABOUTYOUR LITTLE MIXED HERITAGE.

IF YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BITNATIVE AMERICAN --

LIKE, I DON'T MEANA REAL AMOUNT, LIKE HALF,

BUT IF YOU'RE LIKE 1/8,JUST SHUT UP.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY?

I GOT A NEIGHBOR LIKE THAT,THAT -- HE'S 1/8 CHEROKEE.

THIS DOUCHE BAG HAS A PONYTAIL.

HE HAS A DREAM CATCHERIN HIS ROOM THAT HE LIKES.

HE LIKES TO POINT TO IT, LIKE,"I HAPPEN TO BE 1/8 CHEROKEE,

"AND THAT'S WHY I HAVETHIS DREAM CATCHER

THAT CATCHES ABOUT 1/8OF MY DREAMS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE,WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?

WHY WOULD I CARE IF YOU'RETHAT SMALL AMOUNT OF CHEROKEE?

I'M NOT THE GAMING COMMISSION.I CAN'T HELP YOU.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

'CAUSE HE'S TRYING TO SEEM LIKE

HE'S A LITTLE EXTRA SPECIAL,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HE'S NOT JUST A WHITE GUY,HE'S 1/8 CHEROKEE,

SO THAT MEANS IF WE EVERGET LOST IN THE WOODS TOGETHER,

HIS CHEROKEE POWERSMIGHT ACTIVATE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...AND HE'LL BE ABLE TO TALKTO THE GREAT TREE OF THE FOREST,

OR, LIKE, AN OWL WILL LANDON HIS ARM

AND JUST BEAST-MASTER US HOMEOR SOMETHING.

IF YOU'RE 1/8 CHEROKEE, THATMEANS YOU'RE NOT CHEROKEE, OKAY?

THAT'S ALL THAT MEANS,AND IF YOU'RE WHITE,

YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVEBRAGGING ABOUT THAT.

'CAUSE I GUARANTEEYOUR WHITE GENES

HAVE FORCED YOUR CHEROKEE GENES

ONTO A RESERVATIONIN YOUR BALL HAIR.

THAT IS WHERE YOUR HERITAGE IS,WHITE GUY,

IN YOUR, UH,WORST PART OF YOUR BODY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH, DO YOU GUYS GET HIGH?HERE'S WHY I STILL SMOKE WEED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT OUT --I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT GREATA HABIT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO --

'CAUSE THERE'S NO COMMERCIALS TOCONVINCE ME OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S JUST NOT A GOOD...

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T, LIKE, DIE,YOU KNOW,

SO IT'S ALL, LIKE, GUILT TRIPS.

EVERY ANTI-WEED THING WAS, LIKE,YOUR DOG IS DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

THAT'S A REAL --

REALLY?

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVEIN MY HOME, DOG, THAT I PAY FOR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, LIKE,IF YOUR DOG TALKS TO YOU,

PROBABLY YOU'D STOPDOING A LOT OF STUFF,

BUT -- OR JUST, LIKE, BLOW SMOKEIN HIS FACE TILL HE'S COOL.

YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO.

YOU HAVE THAT OPTION.

OR DID YOU EVER SEE --THERE'S A COMMERCIAL --

"YOU MIGHT GET SO HIGHTHAT YOU FORGET ABOUTYOUR DINNER AT GRANDMA'S,

AND SHE'LL BE SAD"?

THAT WAS A REAL -- AND THEY HADA SAD GRANDMA CLEARING A TABLE,

AND THEN THE GUY'S LIKE,

"JUST TELL YOUR GRANDMOTHERYOU MISSED DINNER

"BECAUSE YOU WERE BUSYGETTING HIGH.

SHE'LL UNDERSTAND."

LIKE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

A POTHEAD'SNOT GONNA MISS DINNER.

THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED INTHE HISTORY OF POT OR DINNER --

NOT ONE TIME.

NOT AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE.

PLUS, IF WEED'STHAT BIG A PROBLEM FOR YOU,

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCEYOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER,

SO...SHE CAN JUSTBRING DINNER TO THE BASEMENT.

HERE'S THE REAL REASONNOT TO SMOKE.

THE REASON I SHOULDN'T

IS BECAUSE I GET HIGHAND TELL STUPID STORIES.

LIKE, I GET BAKED AND BRAG.

I'D BE LIKE, "DUDE,I WAS RETARDED YESTERDAY."

THAT'S A -- I'VE SAID THAT.

THAT'S NOT COOL TO SAY THAT.

YOU DON'T HEAR ANY REAL RETARDEDPEOPLE BRAGGING TO YOU...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...LIKE AFTER A WEEKEND,

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,I WAS [BLEEP] UP YESTERDAY!

"I MEAN,I'M [BLEEP] UP EVERY DAY.

I'M -- I'M RETARDED."

BUT LET'S SAYYOU'RE A RETARDED KILLER, OKAY?

SHOULD YOU GET THE DEATHPENALTY? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD,BUT I THINK, TO BE FAIR,

IT SHOULD BE DONEIN A RETARDED WAY,

LIKE YOU SHOOT THEMOUT OF A CANNON OR SOMETHING

OR DRESS THEM UP LIKE A RABBIT

AND HAVE ANOTHER RETARDED GUYPET THEM TO DEATH, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT?

A LAZY EYE FOR A LAZY EYE, GUYS.THAT'S IN THE BIBLE.

I THINK WE ESTABLISHEDTHAT I'M CHRISTIAN.

OH, HOW COME WHEN A FAMOUSPERSON'S ON DRUGS, BY THE WAY,

THEY ALWAYS, LIKE,GLORIFY THEIR HABIT?

LIKE, WHEN THEY DO THE "E!HOLLYWOOD STORY," WHATEVER,

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

BATTLED COCAINE FOR MANY YEARS."

YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?HE BATTLED IT?

"LIKE, HOW DO YOU --

DOESN'T THAT JUST MEANYOU DO A LOT OF BLOW, REALLY?"

"HE BRAVELY FOUGHT COCAINEUSING ONLY HIS NOSE AND A STRAW

AND ALL THE MONEYIN HIS BANK ACCOUNT."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

DO YOU THINK GODCOULD BE A WOMAN?

DO YOU THINKTHAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE,

THAT GOD'S A WOMANAND NOT A MAN?

[ APPLAUSE ]I AGREE.

I AGREE WITH YOU, LADIES,

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY READ THEBIBLE, NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

I READ THE BIBLE,AND IF YOU READ IT,

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE,

'CAUSE FIRST OF ALL,YOU GOT TO WORSHIP HIM

AND TELL HIMHOW [BLEEP] GREAT HE IS

EVERY GODDAMN DAYOF YOUR LIFE.

UH, HE'S GOT A LOT OF LONG,BORING STORIES

THAT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO.

UH, HE RUINS YOUR SUNDAYEVERY GODDAMN SUNDAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE ALWAYS NEEDS YOUR MONEYFOR SOME REASON.

THAT'S LIKE EVERY CHICKI'VE EVER BEEN WITH!

SO, FOR THOSE REASONS, I THINKTHERE'S A GOOD POSSIBILITY.

DO YOU THINK THAT JESUSCOULD BE BLACK?

DO YOU THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE?

[ SPORADIC APPLAUSE ]

SOMEONE YELLED IT AT ME.SOMEONE YELLED THAT AT ME TODAY.

IT WAS A BLACK ISRAELITE,WHICH --

THEY'RE IN A LOT OF CITIES.

THEY'RE, LIKE,THIS BLACK SUPREMACY GROUP

THAT WEARS ROBES --LIKE, ROBES AND STUFF --

AND THEY STAND IN THE STREETWITH MEGAPHONES

AND THEY YELLAT WHITE TOURISTS WALKING BY.

AND THERE'S THIS ADORABLE,WHITE TOURIST

TRYING TO ARGUE WITH THEM.

LIKE, THEY'RE GONNA TALK THEMOUT OF THAT [BLEEP]

IF YOU SEE A GROWN MANDRESSED LIKE SPACE GHOST

IN THE MIDDLEOF THE STREET TOURS,

JUST ASSUMETHAT HE DON'T LISTEN TO PEOPLE.

SO, HE YELLED THAT AT ME.HE SAID, "JESUS WAS BLACK."

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?I DON'T CARE.

I JUST DON'T LIKEHOW HE SAID THAT TO ME,

LIKE HE WAS TRYINGTO HURT MY FEELINGS.

LIKE, BLACK JESUSCOULD NEVER LOVE ME.

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS TRYINGTO IMPLY.

AND I DON'T THINK THAT JESUSIS BLACK OR WHITE, OKAY?

I THINK HE'S [BLEEP] IMAGINARY.

[ LAUGHS ]

WAIT, NO, THAT --THAT CAME OUT WRONG.

THAT CAME OUT WAY WRONG.

THAT'S NOT COOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT I DON'T RESPECT OTHERPEOPLE'S BELIEFS, ALL RIGHT?

NONE OF YOU DO, THOUGH.

YOU DON'T RESPECT -- YOU DON'TRESPECT RELIGIONS YOU'RE NOT IN,

ESPECIALLY IF THEY GOTTO DRESS UP.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT'S WITH THAT HAT?

GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF."YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU HAVE RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE,RIGHT?

THAT MEANS WHAT IT SAYS.

"I CAN TOLERATE YOUAND YOUR MADE-UP NONSENSE

"THAT'S RUINING THE WORLD.

I HAVE --I CAN STOMACH YOU, BASICALLY."

THAT'S NOT, LIKE, RESPECT.

RESPECT IS LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE AMISH,

"AND YOU HAVE TO DRESS LIKEA GIANT HOBBIT?

"THAT'S AWESOME.

"THAT'S -- THAT'S NOT EVENA COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

I REALLY..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

UH, YEAH, I DON'T HAVE IT.THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I PROBABLY WOULDN'TBRING IT UP HERE,

AT MY "COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS"IF I DID HAVE IT.

OR THIS EARLY IN THE SET,ANYWAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,SO I HAD TO GO TAKE THE --

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HAVETHE HEALTH-INSURANCE TEST

WHERE YOU HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR,AND IT'S ALL REASSURING.

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, DOC, I'M SCARED."

HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,YOU CAME FROM A GOODFAMILY. YOU'RE FINE."

I DIDN'T HAVE THAT.

I HAD THE FREE TEST

WHERE YOU GET A $4 METRO CARDFOR THE SUBWAY

FOR COMING IN.

UH, IF YOU DON'T HAVE AIDS,

IT'S PRETTY AWESOMETO GET THAT METRO CARD.

IT REALLY --

IT REALLY IS, UH --

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S GREAT, ACTUALLY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, SO, THEY GIVE YOU ANINTERVIEW WHILE YOU'RE WAITING

ABOUT YOUR DIRTY LIFETHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS TEST,

AND THIS IS A REAL QUESTIONI WAS ASKED.

THIS [BLEEP] GOES, "HAVE YOUKNOWINGLY HAD UNPROTECTED SEX

WITH SOMEONE THAT WAS H.I.V.POSITIVE RECENTLY?"

AND I GO, "OF COURSE!WHY?

WHAT?CAN YOU GET AIDS FROM THAT?"

AND THEN, AT ONE POINT,SHE HELD UP A CONDOM

AND ASKED MEIF I KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

I'M LIKE, "OF COURSE I KNOWWHAT THAT IS,

"BUT HOW DO I FIT THATOVER MY FIST?

"THAT'S REALLY MY PROBLEM.

I WANT TO BE SAFE.I WANT TO BE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

YEAH, I WASN'T MAKINGANY WISE COMMENTS, REALLY.

I WAS ACTUALLY CRYINGBECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD AIDS.

THAT'S REALLYWHAT WAS HAPPENING.

THE CHICK'S LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.

MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE A FUNNY SKITABOUT THIS."

I'M LIKE, "THERE'S NOTHING FUNNYABOUT AIDS, YOU BITCH!"

OH, AND ALSO, THEY ASK YOUWHAT YOU PLAN TO DO

IF IT TURNS OUTYOU DO HAVE H.I.V.,

AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

"I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE,

"SO, PROBABLY, I WILL JUST HAVETO TREAT IT AT HOME

"USING KINOKI FOOT PADS.

"THAT'S REALLY MY ONLY OPTION.

"I HAVE A LIFETIME SUPPLYOF THEM.

THEY TAKE A LOT OF TOXINSOUT OF YOU, SO..."

DID YOU EVER SEE THOSECOMMERCIALS FOR THOSE PADS?

THEY'RE BASED ONANCIENT JAPANESE REFLEXOLOGY,

SO YOU KNOW IT'S NOT BULL[BLEEP]

AND THEY [CHUCKLES]

IT'S THESE PADS THAT YOU PUT ONYOUR FEET WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING,

AND THEN ALL OF THE TOXINSIN YOUR BODY

COME OUT THROUGH YOUR FEETONTO THIS PAD,

AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP,THE PAD IS BLACK.

IT TURNS BLACK.

LIKE, I THOUGHT THOSE WEREJUST CALLED SOCKS, BUT NO.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY CALLEDKINOKI FOOT PADS.

AND, UH, THE GUYIN THE COMMERCIAL'S LIKE,

"JUST LIKE A TREETHAT ABSORBS ENERGY FROM THE SUN

"AND MOVES OUT WASTEALONG THE ROOTS,

YOUR BODY WORKS THE SAME WAY!"

AND NOT ONLY IS THAT NOT HOWYOUR BODY WORKS,

THAT'S NOT EVEN HOWA [BLEEP] TREE WORKS!

THAT IS AMAZING

THAT THEY CAN GET AWAYWITH SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

REALLY?THAT'S HOW IT WORKS?

THAT'S WHY --IS THAT WHY I FEEL SICK?

BECAUSE MY FEET HAVE BEENHOLDING IN [BLEEP] FOR 30 YEARS

AND I DIDN'T HAVETHE RIGHT SHOE DIAPERS TO WEAR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

OH, I MET THESE TWINS TODAY.

I WAS ALL EXCITED TO MEET TWINS,

'CAUSE I AM ALWAYS EXCITEDFOR THAT.

THAT'S EXCITING,BUT THEY WERE THAT CRAPPY KIND

THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKEEACH OTHER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE CALLED.

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?"THAT'S WHAT I CALL THEM.

BORING.

OR DID YOU EVER SEE,LIKE, WHERE THEY'RESUPPOSED TO BE IDENTICAL,

BUT ONE TWIN JUST LOOKS LIKETHE OTHER TWIN KIND OF MELTED,

BUT, LIKE, THEY STILL, LIKE,WEAR TWIN CLOTHES TO FOOL YOU?

"GET OUT OF HERE.YOU'RE NOT THE REAL TWINS."

I LIKE THE ONESTHAT SOLVE MYSTERIES

AND GET PIRATE TREASURE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OLSEN TWINSUSED TO DO ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.THEY'RE THE PERFECT TWINS.

THAT'S WHY MARY-KATE

COULDN'T HELP THE POLICEWITH HEATH LEDGER,

BECAUSE HER AND HER SISTER

ARE TRYING TO CRACK THE CASETHEMSELVES.

THE OLSEN-TWIN WAY.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEP.

THEY'RE GONNA DO ITBY HAVING A SPOOKY SLEEPOVER

AT THE OLD LEDGER PLACE!

I LIVE ABOVE AN AFRICAN STOREIN BROOKLYN

WHERE THEY SELL, LIKE,ART AND HERBS AND STUFF,

WHICH -- THAT'S NOT WEIRD,BUT WHAT IS WEIRD

IS THEY HAVE A SIGN ON THE STORETHAT SAYS,

"AFRICAN SUPPLIES,"WHICH -- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

YOU WATCH HBO?

LIKE, WHEN DO YOU RESTOCKYOUR AFRICAN SUPPLIES?

"ALL RIGHT,I'M GONNA NEED A MACHETE

"WITH BLOOD AND HAIR ON IT.

UH, I NEED AN ARMY UNIFORMFOR A 5-YEAR-OLD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"UH...

"UH...

"HMM...

"I NEED A 'CONGRATULATIONSON YOUR CIRCUMCISION' CARD

"FOR MY NIECE.

IT'S HER CIRCUMCISION LATER."

OH, THAT'S GROSS.

FEMALE CIRCUMCISION --SO TERRIBLE, RIGHT?

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

WHEN IT'S DONE, YOU CAN HAVEALL THE ICE CREAM YOU WANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAMDO YOU GUYS LIKE?

MY FAVORITE KIND OF ICE CREAMIS BEN & JERRY'S.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS BUY.THAT'S THE FUN KIND, RIGHT?

YEAH!

AND, LIKE, ALL THE FLAVORSARE MIXED TOGETHER,

HAVING A PARTY,AND THERE'S LIKE ACORNS AND HEMP

AND NATURAL HIPPIE GOODNESSIN THERE.

I DON'T BUY HAAGEN-DAZS.

THAT'S, LIKE,NAZI ICE CREAM TO ME.

IT REALLY IS.

IT'S, LIKE,A PLAIN BROWN CONTAINER.

[ German accent ]"PURE VANILLA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]"OH, MY GOD.

CAN I HAVE SOME CHOCOLATEWITH THIS VANILLA?"

[ German accent ] "NEIN!"

[ Normal voice ]THEY HAVE, UH, "VANILLA"

AND "SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS."

THAT'S NOT A FUN --THAT'S NOT A FUN ICE-CREAM TIME.

WHO...

SO -- OH, I JUST WENT TO CHURCHRECENTLY WITH MY FRIEND.

I WENT TO AN EVANGELICAL CHURCH,

WHICH IS, LIKE, REAL CHURCH,BY THE WAY, WHERE YOU CAN TELL,

'CAUSE THEY PRAY LIKE THIS,WITH THEIR HANDS OUTSTRETCHED.

LIKE, NOT YOUR PHONY WAY,LIKE THIS, THAT YOU DO,

'CAUSE YOU'RE A FAKE.

THEY DO IT THIS WAY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE, LIKE,PRAYER TECHNOLOGY

THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

AND SO, I'M IN THE CHURCH,

AND THE GUY'S TELLING THE STORYOF JESUS DYING,

AND A DUDE NEXT TO MEIS PRAYING LIKE THIS

AND JUST CRYING, JUST WEEPING.

I'M LIKE, "REALLY?YOU'RE CRYING OVER THAT STORY?

"LIKE...HOW MANY TIMESHAVE YOU HEARD THAT STORY?

"PROBABLY EVERY DAY!

"LIKE, PHONY, WHY DO YOU HAVETO PLAY IT UP

"FOR THE OTHER WEIRD CHRISTIANSHERE?

"HE COMES BACK AT THE END.IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

"YOU KNOW THAT?IT WORKS OUT GREAT FOR HIM.

THERE'S NO, UH..."

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH.

I DON'T EVEN GET THIS STORYOF JESUS DYING.

WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO?

LET'S SAY THAT YOU LIVEIN A REALLY CRAPPY APARTMENT

AND YOUR TOILET'S BROKEN, RIGHT?

IT WAS BROKENWHEN YOU GOT THERE.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

YOU JUST CAME INTO A WORLDOF A BROKEN TOILET,

AND YOU CALL YOUR LANDLORD UPREPEATEDLY TO FIX IT,

AND HE GOES,"NO, WHAT I'M GONNA DO

"IS SEND MY SON TO YOUR HOUSE

TO SIT ON YOUR TOILETAND DO MAGIC TRICKS."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"

HE'S LIKE, "AND ON THE THIRDDAY, HE WILL RISE AND GO HOME."

"LIKE, IS THAT --THAT'S GONNA FIX MY TOILET?"

HE'S LIKE, "NO, BUT IF YOU'REGOOD, ONE DAY, HE WILL RETURN

"AND DRIVE YOU TO MY HOUSETO USE MY TOILET.

"IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLETOILET.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN FATHOMHOW GOOD THIS IS."

MM-HMM.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS?ARE YOU GUYS GOOD?

HOW WAS YOUR --HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE THE MOSTABOUT LIVING IN NEW YORK?

WE HAVE EVERY KIND OF FOOD HEREFROM AROUND THE WORLD.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

WE HAVE EVERYTHING --

LIKE, STUFF YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOWYOU COULD GET.

MY FRIEND JUST TOOK METO AN ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT,

WHICH, LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWTHAT THEY HAD THAT.

I THOUGHT THATTHAT WAS THEIR MAIN PROBLEM

WAS THAT THEY DID NOT HAVECOOKING.

BUT THEY TOTALLY DO.

AND IT'S NOT EVENHOW YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE,

WHEN YOU JUST SIT AND WAITFOR YOUR DINNER

TO BE DONATEDBY MORE PROSPEROUS RESTAURANTS.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

THEY HAVE MADETHEIR OWN KIND OF FOOD.

IT'S A LOT OF MUSHY [BLEEP]WITH RAISINS IN IT.

IT'S NOT THAT GOOD.

JUST RAISINSALL SCATTERED OUT,

LIKE LITTLE TURDS OFDISAPPOINTMENT WAITING FOR YOU.

THEY PROBABLY HAD THAT FOODTHE WHOLE TIME.

THEY DIDN'T WANT TO EAT IT.THAT'S MY GUESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSEWE HAVE IN NEW YORK?

THE BODIES EXHIBIT.

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT --THE BODIES EXHIBIT?

I HAVE NOT.

I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT YETBECAUSE IT'S MADE OUT OF BODIES,

AND I'M NOT A CREEPLIKE YOU ARE, APPARENTLY.

THIS -- THIS IS HOWIT WAS DESCRIBED TO ME.

MY BUDDY GOES, "YEAH, THISARTIST SKINNED THESE BODIES

"AND THEN INJECTED THEM

"WITH SOME KIND OF WEIRD PLASTICHE INVENTED,

AND THEN CUT THEM UPAND PUT THEM ON DISPLAY."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,DID THEY CATCH THAT GUY?

THAT SOUNDS LIKEA TERRIBLE CRIME."

HE'S LIKE,"NO, IT'S NOT A CRIME.

IT'S AN EXHIBIT YOU LOOK ATWITH YOUR FAMILY."

THOSE ARE CHINESE PRISONERS,THOSE BODIES.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

THAT'S NOT OKAY!

SOME CHINESE GUY GOT CAUGHTGOOGLING THE WORD "FREEDOM,"

AND NOW...HE'S IN, UH...YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THEY GOT HIM DOWN THEREIN THREE SECTIONS,

POSED LIKE HE'S PLAYINGULTIMATE FRISBEE,

AND YOU JUST WALK IN THERE,LAUGHING AT HIS LITTLE WIENER.

THAT'S HOW YOU DECIDETO HANDLE IT.

LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT --THEY REALLY ARE CHINESE."

YOU GUYS ARE JERKS.THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

ARE ALL THEIR WIENERSREALLY THAT SMALL?

IS THAT REALLY TRUE,THAT THEY HAVE --

THAT ASIANSHAVE THE LITTLEST WIENERS?

ARE YOU APPLAUDING THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE ONLY REASONI EVER THOUGHT THAT

IS BECAUSE I WATCH A LOTOF ASIAN PORNOGRAPHY,

AND THEY'RE VERY SMALL IN THOSE,

AND THOSE --THAT'S THEIR PORNO WIENER!

THAT'S -- THAT'S THE BESTAND THE BRIGHTEST

OF THEIR NATIONAL WIENERS!

THAT, LIKE...

SOME DIRECTOR SAW THAT, HE'SLIKE, "OH, MY GOD, FOUR INCHES

"AND SHAPED LIKE A WEIRDTRAVEL DEODORANT LIKE WE LOVE!

I GOT TO START BLOCKING THATRIGHT NOW!"

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I APOLOGIZE.

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