March 7, 2016 - Confederate Flag Day & #DickJokesMatter

  • 03/07/2016

Organizers in Gettysburg, PA, celebrate Confederate Flag Day, and Larry discusses Donald Trump's effect on political discourse with Dave Attell, Mike Yard and Ricky Velez.

Very good.Thank you very much.

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

Yes! Man, what a good crowd!What a good crowd.

Thank you so much!

Please! You're too kind!You're too kind.

-AUDIENCE: Larry! Larry!-Thank you so much!

-Larry! Larry! Larry!-Welcome to The Nightly Show.

-Larry! Larry! Larry!-You guys, let me tell you.

This is... this is...this is the best crowd ever

that has got a chance to touchmy head before the show,

I have to tell you.I have to tell you.

(applause and cheering)

Let me just... All right.

See, I have hair, right? Okay.

People think I'm bald.

-Brother's got hair.-(laughter)

It's just an illusionfor you guys.


Hey, man, Dave Attell joins uson the panel tonight.

-(cheers and applause)-Very excited.

Very excited about that,but first...

But first, guys, uh,

what's happeningwith the efforts

to de-Negrofy the White House?

Let's check inwith the Unblackening.

Okay, so last night,the Democrats took their debate

to Flint, Michigan,where it would be nice

if someone took the Unblackeningto their water, by the way.

-(laughter)-Just saying. I'm just saying.

-(cheers and applause)-It would be nice.

Okay. All right,here's the thing.

I'm tired of, you know, peoplefighting on the Republican side.

Fight, fight, fight.

Let's hear a nice, quiet,civilized debate.

If you are talkingabout the Wall Street bailout...

(applause and cheering)

...where some of your friendsdestroyed this economy...

-You know... -...through...Excuse me. I'm talking.


(audience clapping, groaning)


"Mommy, are Nanny and Grandpagetting a divorce?"

-(Wilmore whimpering)-(laughter)

So, anyhow, it wasa very spirited debate focusing

on the important issuesof the day, right.

But it got just a little squirmywhen it came

to the issue of race.

Everyone is a little bit racist.

So, on a personal front, whatracial blind spots do you have?

Okay, first of all,what kind of a question is this?

I mean, if it's a blind spot,how would they know?


"Describe to mewhat you can't see."

-"I can't see it!" Right?-(laughter)

And secondly,is Don Lemon trying

to find some hidden racismin these two people?

I mean, what did he expectBernie to say?

"You know whyI like about Vermont?

The only dark thingwe have there is the syrup."

-(laughter)-"It's true.

"Oh, (bleep) did I just say thatout loud? Blind spot!

Blind spot!"

Right? I don't understandwhat they were looking for.

All right, Bernie,give it your best shot.

When you're whiteyou don't know what it's like

to be living in a ghetto.

You don't knowwhat it's like to be poor.

-Um...-(laughter and groaning)

Did you just say

all black people are poorand living in ghettos?

I think I just foundyour racial blind spot, dude.

-I'm sorry.-(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-Sorry.

I don't really...Okay, hold on.

But I tell you what.I tell you what.

Let me just make a requestfor the rest of this election.

Can we please put a pause

on sweating the Democratsabout race, please?

In 1963,Bernie Sanders was arrested

while protesting segregationin Chicago.

And in the 1970s,Hillary went undercover

to expose racismin Alabama schools.

Oh. Oh, my God,is that Bill Clinton?

-(laughter)-Oh, my God.



I mean, what was he,driving around solving crimes

with Scooby-Doo or something?

-(laughter)-(barking like Scooby-doo)

(applause and cheering)

Oh, my God.

Now, yes, now, yes,

both Clinton and Sanders votedfor the crime bill in the '90s--

as did almost everyblack lawmaker, by the way--

but I'm pretty surewhen it comes to race,

they've earnedthe benefit of the doubt.

Meanwhile,you have a GOP candidate

who can barely disavow the KKK,

kicks black peopleout of his rallies,

and talks about shipping brownpeople out of the United States,

and his numbersjust keep going up.

That's not a racial blind spot.

That's (bleep) cataracts.

(applause and cheering)


So please, please, from now on,

please addressall racial questions

in this election to this guy.

Otherwise, he's justgoing to keep focusing

on meaningless crap like this.

He hit my hands.Nobody has ever hit my hands.

I've never heard of this.What? Look at those hands.

-Are they small hands?-(laughter, audience clamoring)

And he referred to my hands--

if they're small,something else must be small.

I guarantee you, there's noproblem. I guarantee it.

(laughter and groaning)

-Now he's making dick jokes.-(laughter)

You guys, dick jokes.

Our future president... Yeah,future president, I said it.

Start tasting that throw-up inyour mouth right now, you guys.

-(laughter and groaning)-Right now.

(audience clapping, booing)

He's talking abouthow big his dick is

in a nationally-televisedpresidential debate.

I mean, sure,

Ike grabbed his ballsduring his farewell address,

but he never referenced it,all right.

-(laughter)-That was called class.

You know what, guys?I tell you,

the more I thinkabout Trump's dick joke,

the more...the more it just pisses me off.

You know, let me make one thingloud and clear.

-Making dick jokes is my job.-(laughter)

A politician's job isto make policies.

A comedian's job isto make dick jokes.


Crass, shame-filled,fifth-grade-level dick jokes.


I've told dick jokesfor 60 years.

Yeah, I'm in my 80s.

Black don't crack, (bleep)!


-(applause and cheering)-Yeah, that's right.

It may not may not be classy work,

or work I'm proud of,but it's honest work

that puts food on my tableand a roof over my head.

I got my kids through schoolon dick jokes!

-(laughter)-All right?

-That's right. It's true.-(applause and cheering)

Dick jokes. Trump claimsMexico's taking our jobs.

Well, Trump's taking jobs fromhard-working, low-brow comedians

who would be nothingwithout a good dick joke.

And don't give me... don'tgive me that bull (bleep) line,

"All jokes matter."(bleep) you (bleep).

-(laughter)-It's not just me.

No, no, no, it's not just me.

Comedians everywhereare outraged,

from prop comics in Pensacolato stand-ups in Spokane,

and we are standing togetherand starting a movement:

Dick Jokes Matter.

(laughter, whooping, applause)


just... just look at the faces

that this is affecting.

This country was builton big dreams

and small dick jokes.

And if you want my dick joke,

you'll have to rip it outof my cold, clammy,

lightly lotioned hand.

(laughter, applause)

Dick Jokes Matter.

As a woman comic-- and I startall of my sentences that way...


...I don't just relyon vadge jokes,

I tell dick jokes, too.

And I'm gratefulfor all the women who before me

also told dick jokesand broke the glass ceiling...

with their dicks.

-(laughter, whooping, applause)-Dick matters.

(cheering, applause)

I remember when I gotmy first dick joke.


My father passed it down to me.


I was going to pass it downto my son--

maybe not the whole thing,but at least just the tip.


Dick Jokes Matter!

(cheering, applause)

That's right.

Stand with us.

Let politicians hearyour voices.

Comedy's tradition of dick jokesis long, proud,

and yeah,sometimes a little veiny.

So take back our dick jokes.

Dick Jokes Matter, you guys.

-(cheering, applause)-Right? Dick Jokes Matter!

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♪ Dick Jokes Matter

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Hashtag DickJokesMatter.

We'll be right back.

-(cheering, applause)-♪ Dick Jokes Matter

♪ Dick Jokes Matter ♪

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♪ Dick Jokes...

Welcome back.

A new holidaycame and went Saturday

without a whole lotof national attention.

But here at The Nightly Show,

it got our nightly sensestingling.

NEWSWOMAN: On March 5, the Sons of the Confederate Veterans

are celebrating Confederate Flag Day.

Each group throughout the country

will hold events from parades to flag showings.

The Gettysburg commander

of the Sons of the Confederate Veterans

says the flag represents a moment in history

that should be commemorated.

-Or not.-(laughter)

Just one black man's opinion.

But do continue, uh,Southern apologists,

who, I'm going to guess,

probably look somethinglike Colonel Sanders.

To us, the descendantsof the Confederate soldiers,

we see it as a piece of history,of heritage, of family,

uh, simplybecause of our background

and our family, uh, family tree.


My only issuewith your family trees

is what used to be hangingfrom them.

-(laughter, groans)-Also, please,

why are you so proudof thi history?

You guys lost.I mean, for the love of God,

can you get over it, please?

Look, let megive you an example.

I'm a Laker fan, okay?

We lost to the Celtics in '08.

You don't see me walking aroundin a Lakers '08 shirt bragging,

"We lost! Yeah!

"Laker heritage!

Mm-hmm, right here."

-No. All right.-(applause, whooping)

Listen to this backwards logic.

CASTEEL: The Confederate flag

does not stand for slavery.

It stands for the ConfederateStates of America,

uh, which was a group of stateswho basically said,

we've had enough,

it's time to leave.

Yeah, it's time to leaveso we can keep slavery!

-(laughter)-You do know we can hear you

through your Southern accent,right?


Mm. By the way, guys,

so this was the inauguralConfederate Flag Day.

It's funny howConfederate Flag Day

just rises up at a timewhen so many states

are starting to takethat symbol of hate down.

What a coincidence.All right, for more on this,

please welcome to the showour very own Mike Yard.

(cheering, applause)

-Hey, Mike.-What's up, Larry?

Nothing. So, Mike,

so, I know you took an interestin this story, right?

That's right, Larry. Well,the first thing I had to do

-was look up whereGettysburg is. -(laughter)

Turns out it'sright in Pennsylvania,

just four hours away fromour studio here in Manhattan,

and then I thought, "Hmm."

Right, so you volunteeredto spend your Saturday

in, like, a rental car,just so you could file a report

from the firstConfederate Flag Day, right?

Absolutely.That's right, Larry.

Okay, and by they way,thank you, Mike.

I mean, but really,you didn't need to do all that.

-Come on, it's my pleasure, man.-Okay.

I hope you enjoy this reportas much as I enjoyed making it.

Roll it.

♪ Gettysburg

♪ Going to Gettysburg...

(suspenseful music playing)



Racist (bleep).

Oh, boy.


It's the little things.

I showed them.

Racist, Confederate flag-loving (bleep)

won't be forgetting Mike Yard anytime soon.

(cheering, applause)


So that's it?Uh...

Mike, that shootcost the show $15,000.

Larry, fighting racismis expensive.

Plus, I decidedto keep the rental car, so...

Mike Yard, everybody.We'll be right back.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributor Ricky Velez.

-(cheering, applause)-YARD: Everybody!

And he'll be at Magooby's JokeHouse in Timonium, Maryland

March 11 and 12, and his ComedyCentral special Road Work

is available on Netflix.You guys, comedian Dave Attell.

(cheering, applause)

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing #Tonightly.

Okay, so I want to talk about,uh, Donald Trump again,

-'cause...-VELEZ: Damn it.

But here's the thing:I think he has forever changed

the political discourse--I mean, from bullying

other people on the stage

to, you know,belittling the female, uh,

asking the questionright in front of her,

to now making dick jokes.

So is it okayto make a dick joke

at a presidential debate?Are you guys cool with that?

I'm not cool with it,but apparently it is,

-'cause he did it.-Mm-hmm.

He did it and he keepsgoing up in the polls,

so I guess we're doing that now.Dick jokes on presidential...

It's crazy. It's just really...F... Like, I mean,

is it an equal playing field--can Hillary just come out

and be like,"My (bleep) tight?"

Like, is that a thing?I that, like, a...

YARD: She should be able to.-Mm-mmm.

She should be able to.I think she should be able to.

-Equal time? -Is it just equal?It's not equal.

-She can't do that.-No, I don't think she should.

-They would lose their (bleep).-They would tie... they would

-tie her to a stake and burnher. -Can you imagine

if Hillary came out talkingabout her (bleep)? Ooh!

I assume that, um, you know,it might have started rough--

what we saw-- but I-I assumeit ended some gentle petting

in an Uber cab,if you know what I mean.

-Between the two of them.-But do we have to...

-Do we have to break down...-In an Uber.

...every level of civility?

I... There's...No place for civility exists.

Or is that... or is thatnot an issue? Do you guys just

don't care about that?Are we just in that age now?

That's assuming that we did havecivility in our politics.

I don't think we ever did.I mean, Aaron Burr

-killed Alexander Hamilton...-Yeah, that's true.

...over a governor's race.You know what I'm saying? -Whoa.

You had one congressman in 1853beat the hell out of another one

because he was against slavery.But we're civil?

-When did we start that?-Yeah.

-That's what I want to know.-Did-did Jefferson

-call John Adamsa hermaphrodite? -What?!

-I wouldn't put it past him.-I think it was Jefferson.

I think someone called...-I think it's fake civility.

No, like, a smallhermaphrodite or something.

Guys, if you can turn off yourfake time machine for a second,

I... I want to...

First of all...

-I mean... -YARD: It's calleda history book, uh, Dave.

-Oh, oh, okay.-(laughing)

I was gonna say, um...I was just gonna say,

look at what these guysare up against.

I mean, there's never beenmore TV than there is now

and, uh, if you got to, like,go to that level

to get people to, you know,to watch it, then so be it.

I mean, they're up against MMA.They're up... You know,

I mean, there's definitely somekind of, uh, you know,

basketball wife thingyou'd rather be watching,

-but, you know, you have to gofor the throat. -No, it's true.

We're-we're kind ofin an attention...

-in an attention-deficit age.-Exactly.

I think you're on to something,'cause Bernie and Hillary--

not one dick joke.Nobody watched.

-Well... -WILMORE: That'snot true. People watched it.

YARD:Like, three people watched.

VELEZ: I mean, not nearlyas many people that watched.

-Yeah. -That was, like,as intense as, like,

a condo meeting, you know whatI'm saying? I mean, like,

deciding who gets to usethe bike rack, you know?


-It wasn't... -It kind ofdid kind of look like that.

Do we... Does the presidenthave to even be presidential

-anymore? Is that even an issue?You think so? -Yes. Absolutely.

-After now, the presidenthas to be presidential? -Yes.

Well, I-I don't...I don't count these guys,

'cause they're not gonna bepresident. So I don't care

-what they do.-Whoa. -(cheering and applause)


Mike also said that Trumpstill wouldn't be in the race.

-So, I mean...-What do you mean? Now... No,

I never said that. I think...Well, people like

the car accident though.You know what I'm saying?

People like to stopand watch the car accident,

until they see itand they're like, "(bleep),

-why did I watch that?"That's what... -Right, right.

-That's what happens with Trump.-You think more people

are watching for the sideshowas opposed to people

who really believein what he's saying?

Because I think a lotof the energy comes from people

-who agree. Right?-Yeah. Well, I think... Yeah.

-Uh... -Well, I-I kind of...I'm probably the oldest thing

in this room.I just want to say, as a kid,

you grow up thinking that, youknow, you could be president,

and then you realizealong the way why you shouldn't

-be president or how you can'tbe. -Right. Hopefully.

And now, like, when I watch it,I realize, like, you know what,

that dream is still alivefor me. I mean, I, you know...

-Honestly, you know?-I think you're right.

I mean...

unless, uh, you know,I'm gonna say those two words

that can save this whole thing.And one of them is "Chuck"

and the other one's "Norris."I think, uh,

if Chuck Norris jumped into itright now and just wheel...

-He's the answer? -Yeah.If he wheel-kicked his way

-into this, uh...-Yeah.

If you watch his movies, he has,like, some strong statements

to say on a lot of things, um,

immigration, terrorism, uh...

-You got to readbetween the lines -Yeah, no,

-of the dialogue. Yeah.-that really is his platform.

Now, you know what,now I'm feeling it.

-Now I see it. -I'm learningso much about Chuck Norris

-right now. -Yeah. Why are we...Here's the other thing.

Why are we so obsessedwith authenticity in this, too?

Like, people keep saying,"Yeah, they're-they're speaking

their mind." And I don't be...Like, they keep comparing

Trump and Sanders, saying peoplelike them for the same reasons.

But I think it's different. Ithink Trump says what he feels,

and I think Sanders sayswhat he thinks. You know?

-Wow. Interesting. -I thinkit's a fundamental difference.

You know? It's true.'Cause Trump just reacts.

He just reacts to anything.(gasping, muttering)

I prefer that my candidates beauthentic, tell you the truth,

because then it tells mewho not to vote for.

And let me tell you something,if I didn't... if-if Tru...

I would've probably given Trumpa second look

if he wasn't busy beingso damn "authentic."

His authenticity is the reasonwhy he will never get my vote.

-Do you think he's racist?-I believe he's absolutely...

Listen, if somebody keepstelling you they're an asshole,

then you shouldprobably believe 'em.

(cheering and applause)

-Yeah.-Is he racist though?

-Is he racist? I don't thinkhe's ra... -Do you think he's...

I think he's just...he-he understands that...

I believe the ma...the masses are racist.

I think the masses,the-the ignorance

that-that he has found,I-I think they're racist.

-I think he just knowshow to sell (bleep). -Yeah,

I hear what you're saying,but I don't... I don't see

how that makes sense that youwould sell yourself as a racist

-if you're not. That's kind ofa... -I don't think you live

-in New York City if you'rea racist. -But that's kind of

-a thing you can't come backfrom. -It's a weird town

-to live in if you're a racist.-It's not like you can go,

"Hey, (bleep)." And go, "I wasjust (bleep) with you." No!

No, I think the difference is...I think the difference is...

Look, guys, I-I thinkhe's a non-thoughtful racist.

Racists used to be veryintelligent about their racism.

You know?They would base it on the Bible

or on some (bleep)-up scienceor whatever.

Trump is like, "We gotto get rid of brown people!"

-I mean, it's not verythoughtful at all. -It's random.

-Yeah, it's just random racism.-So you're saying...

-you're saying he's like a s...-It's not based on ideology.

-he's like a sleepy racist.Is that it? -Exactly.

-Exactly. -Just, like, coming upfrom a big German nap.


(sputters)"Hate everybody."

That's exactly it.All right, we'll be right back!

(cheering and applause)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area or are planning

to visit, grab free tickets to The Nightly Show.

Thanks to my panelists,Mike Yard, Ricky Velez,

and Dave Attell. And specialthanks to Rachel Feinstein

and Gilbert Gottfriedfor being here. Yes.

We're almost out of time! Beforewe go, I'm gonna keep it 100.

Got to keep it 100. Tonight'squestion is from... @RDdarty?

What is that? They ask, uh,"You're the star of Castaway.

"Okay. During the rescue,you learn Trump is president.

Do you get saved or takeyour chances with Wilson?"


Hmm. How close are Wilson and Iat this point?

-Come on. -Uh,I'm staying with Wilson, man.

I am not... If I'm happy withWilson, I'm staying with Wilson!

-All right, thanks for watching!-Wilson! Wilson! Wilson!

Don't forget to ask meyour Keep It... Yeah. Thank you.

Keep It 100 questions onTwitter. Good Nightly, everyone!

Thank you very much!I did keep it 100. Come on.