CC Presents: Wayne Federman

  • 08/14/2003

Audience: OH!

[LAUGHTER]

Wayne Federman: AH!

THANKS FOR RUINING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU.

SO PEOPLE ARE HERE IN

THE ORCHESTRA SECTION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ARE UP IN MEZZANINE.

[YELLING, CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

I GOT MY FAMILY,

IS UP IN THE BALCONY.

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE UP THERE.

ALRIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE BEING HERE IN NEW YORK

CITY ON THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN.

IT'S AN ODD BUT THAT--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S--

IT'S REALLY CRAZY THAT

IT'S AN ISLAND, YOU KNOW.

YOU GET HERE BY THE, YOU KNOW,

TUNNEL, BRIDGES, CANOE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE CANOE HERE,

ON THE SIDE OF THE ISLAND

AND THEN TAKE THE RAFT OUT

AND WATCH--

IT'S AN ISLAND HERE

IN MANHATTAN.

I LEARNED SOMETHING WHEN I FIRST

CAME HERE TO NEW YORK CITY--

SARCASM.

[LAUGHTER]

NEW YORK IS THE MOST SARCASTIC

PLACE.

THE FIRST DAY I WAS THERE,

I WAS AT THE BROADWAY DELI

EATING.

I SAW THIS LITTLE KID

TURN TO HIS MOM AND GO,

[HEAVY ACCENT] "NO, I DON'T WANT

MILK WITH THE COOKIE, I'D RATHER

(BLEEP) CHOKE ON IT AND DIE."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

THAT MEANS, "YES, THANK YOU,"

IN NEW YORK.

[APPLAUSE]

THE NEW YORK MARATHON WHICH IS--

DO NOT APPLAUD THAT--

DON'T APPLAU--

NO, DON'T APPLAUD, I'M SERIOUS,

TAKE THAT BACK.

TAKE IT BACK.

LET'S START THE TAPE OVER.

BECAUSE THAT IS THE EASIEST

COURSE TO COMPLETE BECAUSE IT'S

VERY INTELLIGENTLY LAID OUT.

AT 19 MILES, WHEN MOST RUNNERS

RUN OUT OF STEAM AND YOU HIT

WHAT THEY CALL "THE WALL"

IS THE EXACT MOMENT YOU CROSS

INTO THE SOUTH BRONX.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HERE THEY COMBINE RUNNING

AND FLEEING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S--

YOU HAVE A BIGGER MOTIVE.

I WAS LIKE EDWIN MOSES.

I'M LIKE HURDLING OVER PEOPLE.

VERY SMART.

I ATTENDED NYU DRAMA SCHOOL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

VERY PRICEY, VERY PRICEY

THE NYU, BUT THAT GREAT CAREER

PLACEMENT CENTER.

EXCELLENT CAREER PLACEMENT

CENTER.

THEY GOT ME THE BREAKFAST SHIFT

AT HOWARD JOHNSON'S RIGHT OVER

HERE ON BROADWAY AND THE BRUNCH

ON SUNDAY, VERY TOUGH TO GET

THAT.

WELL WORTH THE MONEY.

THE PROBLEM WITH NYU WAS

THEY WOULD SEND YOU TO A

PROFESSIONAL ACTING STUDIO

LIKE CIRCLE IN THE SQUARE OR

STELLA ADLER, LEE MAJORS,

ONE OF THEM BIG ONES.

AND THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO

YOUR GENERAL ED CLASSES AT NYU.

AND BECAUSE ACTORS ARE IMMATURE

AND STUPID, THEY COULDN'T PASS.

SO I ACTUALLY TOOK MATH

FOR ACTORS.

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY EASY.

AT THE BEGINNING, IT WAS EASY

QUESTIONS LIKE, "RICHARD BURTON

HAD 30 LINES AND ROBERT DE NIRO

HAD 20 LINES, HOW MANY MORE

LINES DOES BURTON HAVE THAN

DE NIRO?"

BUT THEN AT THE END,

THEY GOT A LITTLE MORE TRICKY.

"SHEILA IS AN ACTRESS.

SHE SPENDS $40 THREE TIMES

A WEEK FOR JAZZ CLASSES

AT ALVIN AILEY, $20 FOUR TIMES

A WEEK FOR TECHNIQUE CLASSES

AT SANFORD MEISNER.

HOW MANY LAP DANCES AT SCORES

WILL SHE HAVE TO DO THIS WEEKEND

TO BALANCE HER CHECKBOOK?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

"SHOW ALL WORK."

YEAH.

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR LAST WEEK

AND I HAVE ATHLETE'S FOOT.

AND-- NO, GREAT NEWS FOR ME

BECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I WAS CUT FROM THE JV BASKETBALL

TEAM FOR NOT BEING ATHLETIC

ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW APPARENTLY, YEARS LATER,

WE FIND OUT THAT I HAVE A

DISEASE THAT ONLY AFFLICTS

ATHLETES.

VINDICATION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

WE WOULD NEVER SAY WHAT HAPPENED

ON A DATE IN REGULAR TERMS.

WE'D USE A BASEBALL METAPHOR TO

EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED ON A DATE.

"DID YOU GET ON FIRST BASE?

GET ON SECOND BASE?"

AND SOME GUYS WERE SO PRECISE.

I HAD NO IDEA.

IT SEEMED LIKE THE MORE

KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD OF BASEBALL,

THE MORE ELABORATE YOUR

DESCRIPTION WAS.

LIKE, "HOW'D YOU DO?"

"WAYNE, REALLY GOOD.

I HAD A RUNNER ON FIRST,

TWO OUTS.

I HIT A DOUBLE RIGHT TO THE

WALL.

SO I SENT THE RUNNER,

GOT TAGGED OUT AT THE PLATE."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HE--

COULD THAT POSSIBLY--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I MADE IT VERY SIMPLE.

IF I GOT TO KISS A GIRL--

ANY GIRL-- FROM THE NECK UP,

JUST KISS, THAT FOR ME, HOMERUN.

[LAUGHTER]

IF A GIRL LETS ME TOUCH HER,

AND BY TOUCHING I DON'T MEAN

TOUCHING HER HAND OR RUBBING

HER BACK.

I'M TALKING ABOUT TOUCHING

SOMETHING THAT I DON'T HAVE

ON MY OWN BODY.

IF A GIRL LET'S ME TOUCH HER,

THEN I'VE WON THE PENNANT.

AND THEN IF I GO ALL THE WAY,

THAT OF COURSE WOULD BE THE

WORLD SERIES.

AND AS YOU KNOW,

THE WORLD SERIES ONLY

COMES AROUND ONCE A YEAR.

SO GET AN IDEA OF WHERE

I WAS AT.

OF COURSE, THERE WAS ALWAYS

SPRING TRAINING.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SPEND A COUPLE

WEEKS AND PRACTICE WITH

YOUR OWN TEAM.

THAT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS WORTH THE WAIT.

Wayne Federman: I'M SURPRISED

IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM THAT THEY

STILL HAVE RACIST TEAMS' NAMES.

LIKE-- PEOPLE GET UPSET AT

THE INDIANS, AND THE REDSKINS.

NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT

THE BROWNS.

MAYBE I'M SENSITIVE.

BUT THE MOST EMBARRASSING

OF ALL THE TEAMS' NAMES HAS GOT

TO BE THE PHILADELPHIA FILLIES.

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY

TO COME UP WITH A NAME.

THAT'S JUST SHORT FOR

PHILADELPHIA.

[LAUGHTER]

DID ANYONE TELL THEM THAT

THE NAME HAS TO BE DIFFERENT

THAN THE CITY?

IT WOULD BE LIKE THE

WASHINGTON WASHIES.

SAN ANTONIO TONIOS.

WHY--

HOW DID THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT?

I LOVE THE NBA.

IT'S FANTASTIC.

THE BEST LEAGUE BECAUSE

I THINK IT-- IN A WEIRD WAY--

IT REFLECTS OUR COUNTRY.

IT'S LIKE ALL THE WORKERS ARE--

MOST OF 'EM ARE AFRICAN AMERICAN

OR IMMIGRANTS, ALL OF THE OWNERS

EXCEPT THE NEW GUY, WHITE.

AND THE COMMISSIONER COULD NOT

BE MORE JEWISH.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN A

DAVID STERN TROPHY PRESENTATION.

EVEN IF YOU HATE BASKETBALL,

YOU GOTTA WATCH THIS.

HE'S GOT TO BE 5'6", PUDGY.

COMES OUT, "I'D LIKE TO

CONGRATULATE THE LOS ANGELES

LAKERS FOR ANOTHER WONDERFUL

SEASON OF BASKETBALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GET THIS TROPHY, THIS RING

WITH A NICE CUT AND CLARITY...

[LAUGHTER]

FEW EXTRA DOLLARS.

BUT LET'S NOT FORGET

THE NEW JERSEY NETS WHO CAME

VERY CLOSE AND B'KASHEM

WILL BE BACK NEXT YEAR.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

SO MAZELTOV TO LOS ANGELES,

THEIR FANS, THEIR FACAKDA COACH.

AND LET'S CONCLUDE BY TURNING

TO PAGE 187 AND SINGING

A'DONO LUM."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE ON YOUR CAR

HAS A VERY SPECIFIC FUNCTION

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ONE THING:

THE INSTRUMENT PANEL DIMMER

SWITCH.

WHY WAS THIS INVENTED?

ARE PEOPLE'S EYES TOO SENSITIVE

FOR THE 5-WATT BULB BEHIND

THE SPEEDOMETER?

IT'S LIKE, "OH, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT THOSE ONCOMING HEADLIGHTS,

BUT THIS ODOMETER LIGHT IS--

IT'S BURNING MY RETINA.

I CAN'T--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN TURN

THIS DOWN?

IS IT-- OH, OH, OH, OH, YEAH,

THAT'S MUCH BETTER."

AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU KNOW THIS, IF YOU GO

ALL THE WAY, GUESS WHAT HAPPENS?

OFF.

YOU CAN TURN OFF YOUR ABILITY

TO READ ANYTHING THERE.

ARE PEOPLE DEVELOPING FILM

IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THEIR CAR?

I THINK IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO

JUST WANNA DRIVE BY INSTINCT.

LIKE, YEAH, YOU GET PULLED OVER.

IT'S GREAT.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE

GOING?"

"AH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE

THIS OFFICER, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

HOW MUCH (BLEEP) GAS I GOT IN

THIS CAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU WERE BEHIND ME,

HOW FAST WAS I GOING?"

[LAUGHTER]

EVERY TOWN I PLAY HAS THE

CARPOOL LANE.

SOME PEOPLE CALL IT THE

DIAMOND LANE, THE HIGH-OCCUPANCY

VEHICLE LANE ON THE FREEWAY.

I CALL IT IMMORAL.

IMMORAL BECAUSE IT

DISCRIMINATES, AND

DISCRIMINATION IS WRONG.

THE CARPOOL LANE DISCRIMINATES

AGAINST THE LONELY.

[LAUGHTER]

THESE PEOPLE, THROUGH NO FAULT

OF THEIR OWN, DON'T HAVE THE

SOCIAL SKILLS TO MAKE FRIENDS.

OKAY.

IT'S UNFORTUNATE, BUT WHAT

DO WE DO AS A SOCIETY?

WE PUSH 'EM OFF TO THE RIGHT

IN THIS VEHICULAR APARTHEID

WHILE THEY SIT ISOLATED

IN THEIR LOSER-MOBILES FORCED

TO WATCH THE POPULAR PEOPLE

WHIZ BY THEM.

IT'S MEAN.

MEAN SPIRITED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE BALCONY.

I SEE YA!

I SEE YA.

THOSE ARE MY PEOPLE.

'KISS' IN CONCERT.

AND I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT FROM

THE START-- HONESTLY--

I AM NOT IN THE KISS ARMY,

ALTHOUGH I WAS DRAFTED

BY THE KISS ARMY BUT I MANAGED

TO INSTEAD SIGN UP FOR THE

GRAND FUNK RAILROAD AIR NATIONAL

GUARD TO AVOID SERVICE IN THE

ARMY.

SO I GO TO THE L.A. FORUM

TO WATCH KISS, WHICH IS--

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU GET IN AND THEY GIVE YOU

3-D GLASSES.

SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THEM THAT

THEY ALREADY ARE IN 3-D.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW THEY THINK THEY'RE

CARTOONS OR SUPERHEROES,

BUT WE CAN ALL DO THIS.

WE CAN ALL--

WE CAN DO IT.

AND THEN AS THE CONCERT UNFOLDS

I REALIZE THIS ISN'T REALLY

A CONCERT, THIS IS MORE

OF A MAGIC SHOW.

THAT EVERYTHING THEY DO,

THE PYROTECHNICS, THE SMOKES,

THE COSTUMES, IS DESIGNED TO

DISTRACT YOU FROM THEIR SET LIST

'CAUSE THEIR MUSIC IS SO

MARGINAL.

LIKE, "HEY, YOU DON'T LIKE THIS

SONG?

WHAT ABOUT NOW, BLOOD'S COMING

OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, WE DO LIKE IT NOW.

[APPLAUSE]

"THIS GUITAR SOLO SUCKS?

WELL, HOW 'BOUT NOW?

A ROCKET JUST LAUNCHED OUT OF

THE NECK OF THE GUITAR."

MY FAVORITE CONCERT I EVER

WENT TO WAS PINK FLOYD.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

BUT I WILL SAY THIS:

THAT SHOW WAS DESIGNED,

PRODUCED, CREATED FOR DRUGGIES,

FOR PEOPLE ON DRUGS.

AND I WISH THEY WOULD HAVE JUST

BEEN HONEST AND SAID RIGHT ON

THE TICKET, "TO TRULY ENJOY

THE PINK FLOYD MULTIMEDIA

EXPERIENCE, THE BAND RECOMMENDS

THE FOLLOWING HALLUCINOGENIC

MEDICATIONS."

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I LIKED THE SHOW,

BUT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME

ENJOYED IT ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL

THAN I DID.

AT ONE POINT, A GIANT PIG COMES

FLOATING OUT OVER THE AUDIENCE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS THIS,

A HOT DOG AD?"

THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE LIKE,

"THE PIG, IT'S COMING."

THEY'RE DIVING UNDER CHAIRS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M LIKE "EXCUSE ME,

I CAN CLEARLY SEE THE WIRES.

I CAN SEE THE WIRES."

[APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.

I AM THE WORST SIGN OF THE

ZODIAC, CANCER.

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T APPLAUD.

THERE'S NOTHING ON THE

ZODIAC WHEEL CLOSE TO THE MOST

DREADED DISEASE IN THE HISTORY

OF MANKIND.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "OKAY, DECEMBER,

ACNE.

CANCER, HOW ARE YOU?"

"MARCH, IS THAT PSORIASIS?

CANCER?"

SO LAST YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY

I GOT THE BOOK OF QUESTIONS--

[APPLAUSE]

SO I GET THE BOOK OF QUESTIONS

AND I THINK IT'S A TRIVIA BOOK.

I'M LIKE "THIS IS GREAT.

JAY SILVERHEALS."

I OPEN IT UP.

"WOULD YOU GIVE UP THE USE

OF ALL OF YOUR LIMBS AND

THE ABILITY TO URINATE SO

THE PEOPLE OF CHAD COULD EAT

FOR A YEAR?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHO GAVE ME THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

SO THEN I LOOK IN THE BACK

FOR THE ANSWER.

GUESS WHAT?

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.

THIS IS A BOOK OF UNANSWERABLE

QUESTIONS.

GIVE ME THE BOOK OF ANSWERS.

THAT'S SOMETHING I COULD USE.

"THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST."

"THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY."

"OF COURSE IT MAKES NOISE,

IT'S A (BLEEP) TREE."

ALRIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THE WOODCHUCK WOULD CHUCK

ONE AND A HALF CORDS OF WOOD

PER HOUR."

THANK YOU.

ONE THING GOOD ABOUT GETTING

OLDER IS I CAN REMINISCE.

AND I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD HAVE

THAT SKILL, BUT I AM GREAT

AT IT.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME WITH A

7 YEAR-OLD.

I'M LIKE, "COME HERE, YOUNGSTER.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE AND

WE HAD TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL--

NO, GATHER YOUR FRIENDS AROUND,

THEY MAY LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, FIRST WE HAD TO GET UP.

THAT'S RIGHT, GET UP.

AND THEN WALK TOWARDS

THE TELEVISION SET,

BALANCING ON THE EARTH AS IT WAS

SPINNING, AND THEN REACH OUT

AND THEN GRAB THIS KNOB.

GRAB IT!

AND THEN WE WOULD TURN IT

AND WE HAD TWO THROUGH 13 AND U.

THAT WAS IT, THAT'S ALL WE HAD."

THOSE WERE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE BIGGEST CRIME I COULD COMMIT

WOULD BE TO TURN THE CHANNEL

TOO QUICKLY.

IF MY DAD EVER HEARD THIS

SOUND...

[SOUND OF CHANNEL CHANGING]

FORGET IT.

AND HE WOULD--

HE HAD LIKE SOME WEIRD--

HE'D BE OUT MOWING THE LAWN.

I'D BE TRYING TO GET TO

"UNDERDOG--"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON

IN HERE?

WHAT IS GOIN' ON IN HERE,

WAYNE?"

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET TO THE

THEME SONG, THAT'S MY FAVORITE

PART."

"WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU BREAK

A TELEVISION.

RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S HOW YOU BREAK IT."

"I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS

A SPEED LIMIT.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET

TO THE-- "

"MAYBE YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH

TO USE A TELEVISION.

MAYBE WE CAN'T HAVE GOOD THINGS

IN THIS HOUSE.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP WORKING

'CAUSE EVERYTHING I (BLEEP)

BRING HOME, YOU KIDS BREAK."

"MAYBE YOU NEED SOME MEDICATION,

I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING

TO THE WHOLE"--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wayne Federman: SO I'M GONNA

MOSEY ON OVER HERE.

WE'VE BEEN LAUGHIN' A LOT

TONIGHT.

AND THAT'S BEEN FUN.

THAT IS--

♪ [PIANO PLAYING] ♪

SOMEBODY ONCE SAID THAT

LAUGHTER--

LET'S DIM THE LIGHTS,

LET'S CHANGE IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

THANK YOU.

SOMEONE ONCE SAID THAT LAUGHTER

IS THE BEST MEDICINE.

AND THAT WAS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY

A MAN WHO NEVER TRIED VICODEN...

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THAT'S REALLY GOOD

MEDICINE.

NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY LAUGHTER,

I DO.

I JUST WOULDN'T RANK IT

THE BEST.

I'D PUT IT BETWEEN BENADRYL

AND SUDAFED AS A MEDICINE.

♪ ♪

I TOOK ONE PIANO LESSON, ONE.

AND I'D LIKE TO PLAY YOU NOW

WHAT I LEARNED THAT DAY.

♪♪

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

$22 FROM MY MOM TO LEARN

THAT ONE SONG.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE EVERY SONG

SHOULD END LIKE THIS.

♪ ♪

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

OSAMA BIN LADEN RAN THE AL QAEDA

NETWORK UNDERGROUND IN A CAVE

ON A CELL PHONE IN AFGHANISTAN.

WHO WAS HIS SERVICE PROVIDER

'CAUSE I CAN'T GO DOWN BROADWAY

20 FEET WITHOUT IT GOIN' OUT?

♪ ♪

[AUDIENCE CLAPS TO MUSIC]

PBS IS PROUD TO PRESENT

A NEW DOCUMENTARY

FROM ACCLAIMED FILM MAKER

KEN BURNS, THE SUPER GEEK

WITH THE BEATLE HAIRCUT

WHO BROUGHT YA

"THE CIVIL WAR,"

AND MADE BASEBALL

AS BORING AS BASEBALL,

NOW BRINGS HIS SLOW,

CONDESCENDING DOCUMENTARY

STYLE TO THE WORLD OF JAZZ.

THAT'S RIGHT, JAZZ.

YOU KNOW IT, IT'S IN THE BACK OF

THE RECORD STORE AFTER YOU PASS

POP, ROCK, RAP, COMEDY, COUNTRY,

C-- SINGLES, TRANZ, TRIP-HOP,

YOU MIGHT FIND A JAZZ SECTION.

WE CAN'T PRICE THIS MUSIC LOW

ENOUGH TO MOVE IT OFF THE

SHELVES.

BUT STILL WE DECIDED TO GIVE KEN

19 AND-A-HALF HOURS TO TELL THE

STORY.

THAT'S RIGHT, A DOCUMENTARY

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THOUGHT

"SHOA" WAS WAY TOO SHORT.

JAZZ.

IT BEGAN IN NEW ORLEANS.

IT SPREAD LIKE A VENEREAL

DISEASE ACROSS THE UNITED

STATES.

MUSIC PLAYED BY BLACK GUYS

WHO SLEPT WITH WHITE WOMEN

AND DID HEROIN.

JAZZ ON PBS.

[MUSIC ENDS]

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