The Green

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 04/23/2014

A third grade soccer team takes on the Mongolian horde, the aliens help Jeff through a breakup, and Jesus makes a terrible mistake.

- AND I WAS LIKE,"SORRY, MAN.

I JUST WASTED MY LAST MIRACLEON A DUCK."

[laughter]

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I'VE, UH,GOT US SOME MORE WATER.

- [laughs]EXCELLENT.

- UH, JESUS, IF, UH,YOU'LL DO THE HONORS?

- [chuckles]DON'T MIND IF I DO.

[clears throat]

[musical chimes]DING, DING, DING, DI--

OH, [bleep],I TOUCHED HIS HAND INSTEAD.

- [groans]- W-WHAT DOES--

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

- I JUST TURNEDALL THE WATER

IN HIS BODY INTO RED WINE.

- WELL, HOW MUCH WATERWAS IN HIS BODY?

- DUDE, PEOPLEARE MADE OF, LIKE,

70% WATER OR SOMETHING.

- SO--SO YOUJUST TURNED 70%

OF HIS BIOLOGICAL MAKE-UPINTO WINE?

- [groans]- Y-YES.

- WELL,[bleep] CHANGE HIM BACK!

- I DON'T KNOW HOW!- WELL, WHO DOES?

- UM, UM, SATAN MAYBE?

- THEN CALL HIM!

- RIGHT, RIGHT.YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP.

- HE'S DEAD!HE'S DEAD.

- [sighs]

- HEY, KIDS!

IT'S TIME FOR "VERSUS"!

VERSUS!

THIS WEEK'S COMBATANTS:

THIRD GRADE SOCCER TEAM...

- GREAT KICK, JIMMY!- THANKS!

- VERSUS...

MONGOLIAN HORDE.

[all screaming]

[angelic music]

[yak bellows]

- BRING IT.

- [blows whistle]

- OH.

[whimsical music]

- [grunts]

[groans]

[all grunting]

- MY FACE!

- [blows whistle]

- YES!

- GOOD TEAMWORK!

[hip-hop music]

- [groans]

- OH, RUNNING MAN,CLASSIC.

[cuckoo clock chiming]

- [laughs]- HUH?

- ♪ THE TIME TO BE HAPPYIS NOW ♪

- [grunts]

- ♪ AND THE PLACETO BE HAPPY IS HERE ♪

- [grunts]- AAH!

- ♪ AND THE WAY TO BE HAPPYIS TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY ♪

- YOU LIKE THAT?YOU LIKE THAT?

- ♪ AND WE'LL HAVEA LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ♪

- [blows whistle]

- ♪ WE'LL HAVEA LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ♪

- I WANT TO LEAVE!

- ♪ WE'LL HAVEA LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ♪

- [panting]

- WHAT TIME DID YOUSAY IT WAS?

IT'S THE TIME TO BE HAPPY!

- WINNER:THIRD GRADE SOCCER TEAM!

[all cheering]

- 'CAUSE YOU CHEAT![grunts]

- EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY!

- HELLO?

- OH, BABY, OH.

IF ONLY I COULD JUSTPUT OUT MY HAND AND TOUCH YOU.

TOUCH YOUR HAIR AND YOUR--

- I'M SORRY.WHO IS THIS?

- WHAT?IT'S JEFF.

- JEFF, I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE NOTIN MY PHONE ANYMORE.

- WE BROKE UP, LIKE,TWO HOURS AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?[phone beeps]

- OOH, I GOT TO GET THIS.

MY DAD WAS SO HAPPY,HE JUST BOUGHT ME A CAR.

- WHAT?- ISN'T THAT SO NICE?

- THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO GO?- BYE!

- BUT...I LOVE YOU.

[dial tone]

[cries]

- HEY, CAN YOUSAY THAT LAST BIT

JUST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER?

- GUYS,ARE YOU RECORDING THIS?

- UH, NOPE.

- BECAUSE THE THINGABOUT HUMANS IS,

HUMANS NEED PRIVACY,ALL RIGHT?

ESPECIALLY WHENTHEY'RE GETTING STABBED

IN THEIR HUMAN HEART![cries]

- HEY, WHAT'S PRIVACY?

- I DON'T KNOW.[toilet flushes]

- ♪ THREE ALIENSCAME FROM THE SKY ♪

♪ THE GALACTIC COUNCILSENT THEM ♪

all: ♪ AND HERE'STHE REASON WHY ♪

- ♪ THEIR MISSIONIS TO STUDY ♪

♪ EARTH'S MOST AVERAGE GUY

all: ♪ TO SEE IF HUMANSARE WORTH SAVING ♪

♪ OR IF EVERYONEHAS TO DIE ♪

- WAIT. WHAT?

all: JEFF! JEFF! JEFF!

- CAN YOU TAKE US TO THE ZOO?- OOH, OOH, OOH.

- THE ZOO?HUH.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M NOT LEAVIN' THIS HOUSE

FOR A VERY,VERY LONG TIME.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUTWHEN YOU'RE HAPPY AGAIN?

CAN WE GO THEN?

- WHEN I'M HAPPY AGAIN,

WE CAN DOWHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

all: YAY!

- WOULD A PUPPYMAKE YOU HAPPY?

[dog barks]

- [sighs]NO, I'M SORRY, GUYS.

all: AW...

- AAH!

- HOW ABOUTA LOT MORE PUPPIES?

- UH, APPRECIATETHE SENTIMENT,

BUT YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHIN'WITH THESE PUPPIES.

RIGHT NOW!- AW.

- HEY, JEFF.

WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THIS JACKET?

IT'S CUSTOM TAILOREDJUST FOR YOU!

- THIS IS ACTUALLYPRETTY COOL, GUYS.

I'M IMP--

OH, MY GOD!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO!

NO! NO!GOD, FORGIVE US.

FORGIVE US, GOD!

[knock at door][gasps]

AAH!

GET OUT OF HERE.

LINDA?

- I'M NOT READYTO GIVE UP ON US.

[moans]

- [moans]

WOW.[chuckles]

THAT IS THE BEST SEXWE HAVE EVER HAD.

- [laughs]

ARE YOU HAPPY, JEFF?

- I THINK THIS MIGHT BETHE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

- GREAT.- OH!

- NOW YOU CAN TAKE USTO THE ZOO.

all: YAY!

[pleasant music]

[explosion]

[ominous music]

- [growls]

YOU HAVE COME SEEKINGTHE GOBLET OF VALTORIS,

LITTLE KNIGHT, BUT YOU MUSTANSWER MY RIDDLE FIRST.

AND IF YOU ANSWER POORLY,

I WILL GNAW THE FLESHFROM YOUR BONES.

- WHAT IS YOUR RIDDLE,FOUL BEAST?

- UNTIL I AM MEASURED,I AM--

- TIME.- WHAT?

I'M NOT FINISHEDWITH THE RIDDLE.

- I KNOW,BUT THE ANSWER IS TIME.

- IT MAY--YOU KNOW,IT MAY BE, BUT IT MAY NOT BE.

- UNTIL I AM MEASUREDI AM NOT KNOWN,

YET HOW YOU MISS MEWHEN I HAVE FLOWN.

IT'S TIME.

- WELL, YOU HEARDTHE RIDDLE BEFORE.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

IF YOU'D TOLD ME THAT,I WOULD HAVE

ASKED YOU A DIFFERENT RIDDLE,LIKE THIS ONE.

I DRIVE MEN MADFOR LOVE OF--

- GOLD!- OH, COME ON!

- DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE RIDDLES?- NO. I DON'T.

THOSE WEREMY ONLY TWO RIDDLES.

- WELL, THEN I HAVEPASSED YOUR CHALLENGE.

NOW GIVE ME THE GOBLET,YOU STINKING BRUTE!

- DO YOU THINK--LET ME ASK YOU.

DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT I'VE NEVERHAD A GIRLFRIEND?

- WHAT?

- I'M NOT TRYINGTO BE GROSS,

BUT HOW MANY TIMES A DAYDO YOU, UH, MASTURBATE?

- WHAT?N-NO.

- BECAUSE I'M, UH--I'M ON THAT THING, LIKE,

NINE, MAYBE TEN TIMESA DAY.

- CAN WE JUSTDO THE GOBLET THING, PLEASE?

- AND IT DOESN'TMAKE ME HAPPY.

LIKE, I NEVER--I'M NEVER HAPPY AFTERWARDS.

JUST EMPTY.

- OH.- GOD, I FEEL SO OLD.

AND I NEVER FINISHANYTHING I START,

EXCEPT MASTURBATING.

I FINISH THAT.[chuckles]

- WELL, I-I MUST BE OFF.

- HEY, UH, MAYBE YOU AND ME

COULD TAKE A VACATIONTOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?LET ME JUST--HOLD UP.

LET ME GET YOUR CONTACT INFO,SO WE CAN PLAN IT.

IT'LL BE FUN.- YOU KNOW, UH,

I'LL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUABOUT IT.

SO, CAN I JUST HAVETHE GOBLET OF VALTORIS?

- OOH! WAIT.

I AM AFRAID YOU MUSTANSWER MY RIDDLE FIRST.

WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND?

- [sighs]ME.

- [laughs]YOU ARE GOOD.

YOU'RE GOOD!

ALL RIGHT.FAREWELL, BRAVE KNIGHT.

OKAY!

[sighs]

NUMBER 11.[squirt]

[fart]

[bird squawks]

- [hoots]

[dramatic music]

- OH, SHIT.

[dubstep music]

THINK.

- [laughs]

LANGUAGE.

- OOH-OOH-AH--MY NAME IS STEVE.

- HEY.

- SPRING BREAK.

THINK.

SPAM BOT.

[laughs]

- HEY, COME ON, MAN.JUST CHILL OUT, BRO.

- VIRUS.

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