Neal Brennan

  • 05/18/2012

Neal Brennan explores depressing BBC news reporting and erotic photography of male bodies.

Good to see you.

Hey, uh, thank you allfor coming out.

I'm, I'm glad you're here.

The economy is awful, isn't it?

You know what drives me crazyabout the economy

is when they talkabout it on the news.

They act like everybody's rich.

You notice that?Where they'll be like,

"Global economic meltdown.

Is your money safe?"

What, do you mean the $43I have in my checking account?

It should be okay.

Thank you.

Then you turn the channeland they're like,

"Has the valueof your property gone down?"

Huh.

I don't know.

Let me ask my goddamn landlord.

You know what the worst partof having a landlord is?

People think it's the money;it's so not the money.

Worst part of having a landlord

is having to call the landlord

"landlord."

It's a bit of an exaggeratedtitle, isn't it,

for a guy who rents out roomsto strangers for money?

Landlord?

Like there's something medievalabout the whole thing?

Whenever I see my landlord now,just to mess with him,

I'm always like, "Milord.

"Milord, I come to thee

"from the kingdomof Apartment 4J.

"Milord, if you wouldn't mind

"taking off your cape,

I need you to unclog m' toilet."

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, the news is (bleep).

Um, CNN is my network'cause, 'cause CNN,

even when it's bad news,it's kind of good on CNN.

But you know who's gotthe saddest news on Earth?

You ever accidentally watchthat British news?

Know what I'm talking about--that BBC News,

those sad-ass British accentson there?

Just the way they pronouncecountries on there

bums me out, like...

(in British accent):Afghani-stan.

Ugh.

Like, they could makeany news story sound sad

on the BBC, like...

"Today packs of wood nymphstraveled

"the hillsides of New Jersey

handing out chocolate chipcookies and (bleep) jobs."

We got to stayout of New Jersey.

Jesus.

Lot of time on the Internetas well.

I heard about this Web siterecently called,

called It Gets Better.

You guys know what this is?

All right, if you don't knowwhat it is, it's a Web site,

uh, where gay teenagersthat are getting bullied

by Tracy Morgan-- kidding.

"I'm gonna stab you."

I'm kidding.

No, gay teenagers that aregetting bullied at school--

they can go onlineand adult gay celebrities

have little videos for 'emgoing, like, "Hey,

"I know you're getting bulliednow, but just so you know,

it gets better."

Which sounds nice,but it's actually

just some empty Hollywood stuff

'cause if I was oneof the gay kids, I'd be like,

"So, celebrity,you can't help me today?"

Celebrities are like, "Today?

"No, we're afraidof the bullies as well,

but best of luck to you."

You know what Web site would be

way more effectivethan It Gets Better?

Web site called It Gets Worse

where all the people that weresuper-popular in high school

had to leave videosabout what losers they became

later on in life.

Wouldn't that be great?

Yeah.

Actually, wait, they have that.

It's called Facebook.

Bang!Bang!

the Songies or something, uh...

I'm so-- are you not sickof these music shows,

these award shows?

It's like there's,like, no good songs,

then they're justgiving them awards.

Like, let's give Ne-Yo a prize.

Let's not, um...

So, so, uh, you know what elsedrives me crazy about that?

Remember when people usedto just do their songs

on these shows and get offstage?

That's not enoughfor these egomaniacs.

They have to show ushow hard they worked,

so, like,Usher will finish his song

and everyone's applauding,and instead of getting offstage,

Usher stands thereand does this.

(breathing heavily)

It's like, "Usher,you lip-synched a song.

"You didn't witness a murder.

Get offstage."

Yeah.

Fellas, nobody-- no--fellas, no woman on Earth

wants to look at her phone

and see a picture of your dick.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, ever.

Our bodies are disgusting.

They're not madeto be photographed.

That's what women's bodiesare for.

Women's bodies are beautiful.

They've got curves and padding

and their own cafeteria.

They have a lot happening.

Our bodies are not madeto attract women.

Our bodies are madeto see attractive women,

chase them downwith our superior speed...

subdue themwith our superior strength,

try to make a baby.

There we go.

(grunting)

This is the face I make.

(grunting)

I love you.

So, uh, so I'm single.

(crowd laughs)

(Brennan laughs)

No, I'm single,so girls will send me pictures

of their boobs sometimes,and it's the best.

It's the best.

That never happensto my married guy friends.

I shouldn't sayit never happens.

My married guy friends--their wives will send them

pictures of their boobs,but it's always with a note

that says, like,"I think my rash is back."

So girls will send mepictures of their boobs,

and then I gotto send something back,

and this isabout all we have to send,

so-- but, fellas,women don't want that.

They-- so put somethingin the frame,

if you're going to takea picture of it,

that women actually like.

Put, like, a scented candledown there...

or, like, a gift certificatefor Sephora.

(women cheering)

Yeah, or like a bigger dick.

Something.

(laughs)

Women are sensual creatures,you understand me?

So, so they...they don't want the organ.

They want a hint

of sexuality, fellas,

so if you got abs,take a picture of your abs.

You know what else women like?

Women like this thing,whatever this is, the ramp.

(women cheering)

Yeah, the on-ramp to Dick City.

For the black girls,the D'Angelo muscle, huh?

(women cheering)

Yeah.

Yeah, this is romantic.

This is like The Notebook.

This is A Walk to Remember.

This is Alien 3.

So we-- we--we want you, ladies,

and we want you andwe don't know how to get you.

We used to just be ableto chase you down and grab you,

but they made that illegal,like, 10,000 years ago.

Yeah, so now we gotto be romantic.

We don't know anythingabout that.

That's like... and there'sno end to the amount of romance

we're supposedto give you ladies.

'Cause, like, we'll take youout to dinner, right?

We're going to pay,

which, for a guy,is, like, insanely romantic,

but it's not enough.

You know how I knowit's not enough?

'Cause they always let that ladyinto the restaurant.

What lady?

Creepiest lady on Earth--goddamn flower lady.

Is there anyone worsethan that woman?

Whenever I see her, I'm like,"Who let her in here?"

"Roses for the lady?"

(groaning)

(belches)

(groaning)

Do women even want the rosesat the restaurant?

(overlapping chatter)

No-- a lot of noes.

You know why, fellas?

'Cause the rosesare too convenient.

Yeah, women only like presents

if they're super-inconvenientto get.

CROWD:Yeah!Yeah.

(applause)

Yeah. Women wants us to waitin line for six hours.

They're, like,"Drive to the next state."

They just want a story they cantell their girlfriends at brunch

about how muchwe suffered for them.

Like, "You don't knowabout these earrings?

"These are the earringsthat when Mike got 'em for me,

he fell on the escalatorand lost part of his hand."

(laughter)

"I don't even like the earrings,but I like

that Mike was legally dead fortwo minutes when it happened."

(laughter)

Still, it's sucha one-way street.

That's the thing.

So, I'm, like, real sensitiveto guys' issues.

Uh, the... like, one partof the year is just

about giving presents to women.

Between Thanksgivingand Valentine's Day,

every commercial on TV is aboutgiving presents to women.

"Give her a Decemberto remember."

(laughter)

"A diamond is forever.

♪ Every kiss beings with Kay. "

(laughter)

You know why all the commercialsare for women?

'Cause you can't advertisewhat guys want.

(laughter)

Yeah.

(cheering, applause,and whooping)

Yes.

Like, legally,you're not allowed.

(laughter)

You'll never seea commercial, like,

"Ladies, this holiday seasongive him the gift

"he's been waiting for all year.

"A day of silence

followed by a three-way with youand your hottest friend."

(laughter, applause,and whooping)

"Followed by more silence."

(laughter)

"Only from J.C. Penney."

(laughter)

We live in a porny-ass world,don't we?

Just gets pornier by the day.

Hey, by the way,if you work in porn,

I don't know if youand your coworkers know this,

but we have enough porn.

You don't haveto keep making it.

You did a great job,we appreciate your service,

but you can shut it down.

If you make porn

or if you make those Croc shoes,we're good.

Porn used to amaze me.

I'd be like, "How'd they getthat man and that lady

to have sex at that bakery?"

But now, the older I get,the more I realize,

men and women having sex isthe easy part of relationships.

You know what's likea fantasy to me now?

You know what would be pornto me today?

Just video of a man and a womangetting along.

Like, wait, he has to work late

and she's not goingto take it personally?

Oh, that's hot.

Wait, they wentto a party together

and they want to leaveat the same exact time?

Oh, my God, where do they findthese people?

Wait, she wants to talkabout the new duvet cover,

he doesn't give a crap,

and she doesn't give a crapthat he doesn't give a crap?

Oh, that's goingto make me finish.

(crowd groans)

(Brennan laughs)

Ladies, it's not that we don'twant to talk to you.

We don't want to talk to anyone.

We don't want to talkto our guy friends.

Not about anything realor emotional.

What do you thinksports are for?

They're completely meaningless.

Football's meaningless.

Football sounds like

it's inventedby an eight-year-old girl.

"Like, all right,here's the deal.

"There's a ball,and you get four tries

"to take the ball ten yards.

"In between each try,we're gonna have a huddle,

and we're gonna tell secretsabout the other team."

(laughter)

"By the way, we're all wearingcapri pants."

(laughter)

"At half-time, the Black EyedPeas are gonna play."

(laughter)

I don't know what women wantto talk to us about.

We're jerks.Guys are jerks.

You want to knowwhat guys are really like?

Look what we're doingwhen there's no women around,

when it's all guys.

It's just a lotof slapping each other

and insultingeach other's appearance

and trying to injureone another's testicles.

(laughter)Women are nice.

Look at men's surprises.Look at women's surprises.

Women's surprises are nice.

Women's surprises are, like,"Today was Jill's birthday,

"and we all pretendedlike we forgot,

"and then at 4:30,we ordered cupcakes,

and she was so surprised."

(laughter)

And a guy's surprise.

It's, like,"Joe wasn't paying attention

so we lit his back on fire."

(laughter and applause)

"And then we foundit was his birthday.

"We set his car on fire, too.

He was really surprised."

(laughter)

Hey, where are we on Obama.We like him?

(loud cheering, applause,and whooping)Oh.

You voted for him, bro?You voted for him? Yeah.

Bro, you voted for him? Yeah.

Every brother I knowvoted for him.

(laughter)

Did brothers even needto punch the ballot?

Or you'd just walk inand be, like,

"All right, put me downfor my man. Thank you."

(laughter)

"Bitch, you knowwhat the (bleep) is, all right."

(laughs)

I like the dude,I voted for him, but...

I voted for him,but in some ways,

he's like America'srebound boyfriend.

(laughter)You know what I mean?

Like, we just want to be ableto call George Bush.

We'd be, like, "Yeah, we're withsomeone else now, George.

"And get this.He listens to us,

"and he doesn't just attackpeople for no reason.

And, oh, yeah, did I mention,he's black?" Click.

(laughter, cheeringand applause)

Yeah. You know,the other thing is,

he gets blamedfor a lot of stuff,

but I feel like 70% of the stuff

he gets blamed foris Bush's fault.

Yeah.

(applause, cheering,and whooping)

Yeah.

It's sad, 'cause it's justanother case

of a brother being at the wrongplace at the wrong time.

(laughter)

Getting accused of some stuffhe didn't do.

America's, like, "Freeze.

Put your handsagainst the White House."

It's, like, "It was George Bushand Dick Cheney.

They just (bleep) left."

(laughter and applause)

(loud cheering and whooping)

Yeah. And they-they...Sometimes they...

I followed the administrationpretty closely,

and they say, like, you know,

he's too insulatedagainst his critics.

Uh, and then... but he...

So he relies on Sashaand Malia and Michelle

to keep him humble, but you...

That might keep him humble,

but you know whatwould keep him really humble,

is if Sasha and Maliawere white.

'Cause they're, like,12 and 14.

They're sweet girls,but if they were white,

there's no one meaner on earth

than 12- and 14-year-oldwhite girls.

(laughter)They're, like, the meanestlittle bitches on the planet.

(laughter)

'Cause now he comes home,and he's, like,

"Sasha, Malia, study hard,get into a good school."

And they're, like, "Yes.Yes, Daddy. We love you."

But if they were white,he'd come home, he'd be, like,

"Sasha and Malia, study hard,get into a good college."

They'd be, like, "For what?You ruined the economy!

"There's not gonna be any jobswhen we get out, you jackass.

"We're going to Cancun.

"Hopefully,you won't wreck America

"while we're gone, dumbass.

"Oh, look, Sasha,it's Daddy's birth certificate.

Psych. You don't have one,foreigner."

Like, I said, I like the dude,voted for him.

Gonna vote for him again,but I got to say...

(whoops)

Yeah. I... I'm in this...

Yeah, in some... in some ways,the expectations were so high

that I haven't beenthis disappointed in a president

since allof the other presidents.

(laughter)

But with Obama, the thing is,I gave him money.

That's what hurt.

Like, I believe in the dudeso much

that I donated to his campaign.

Obama was basicallythe stripper

that I was, like,"No, fellas.

This one really likes me."

(laughter and applause)

"Want some...? Po, po, po.

"Hey, baby,you need some change? Hey!

Po, po, po, po, po, po,po, po, po, po, po."

He killed Bin Laden.That was something.

(cheering and applause)

Yeah.

Then they got mad at Barack

'cause he didn'trelease the photos.

But again,Barack's a nerd, man.

President Urkel.

(laughter)

But America's so blood-thirsty,they wouldn't have been happy

unless Barack came outwith, like, a teardrop tattoo,

and was, like, "Yo, thisBin Laden stuff-- done, son."

(cheering and laughter)

(trilling)

(laughter)

(laughter swells, applause)

(applause, cheering,and whistling)

He's black. You get it?

Does black stuff.

(laughter)

And I've workedwith black dudes before

on Chappelle's Show, of course,which I was the...

If you're just tuning...(cheering and applause)

The reason all these people areapplauding is 'cause I, uh...

I co-createdthe Chappelle show,and, uh...

and it kind of scrambledmy brain,

'cause now think of everythingin racial terms.

And, uh... and I still thinkof, like, racial sketches,

'cause we used to dothe best racial sketches

on Chappelle's Show.

We did, like, blindwhite supremacists.

We did the bloopers from Roots.

(cheering and applause)

And I...

And I-I still think of thesecrazy-ass racial sketches,

and I got nowhereto go with them,

but I thought of one recently

that I'll pitch to you guysif you want to hear it.

AUDIENCE:Yeah!

All right?

(applause, cheering,and whooping)

All right, but don't be babies,all right?

(audience groaningand murmuring)

'Cause... 'cause this is racial.

All right.

(laughter)

I wish we could have donea sketch

about how scaredwhite people must have been

on the last day of slavery.

(laughter and groaning)

'Cause it was a real day.

(laughter)

It was January 30, 1865.

It's, like, what didwhite people do that day?

Like, "Could I see all theslaves in the front, please?"

(laughter)

"Oh, Jesus."

(laughter)

"Well, we had a heckof a run, didn't we?"

(laughter)

"I just want to say,you guys did a fantastic job...

"with the chores...

"these last 250 years.

"You'll be free tomorrow.

"Please don't murder us.

(laughter)

"Violence doesn'tsolve anything."

"Oh, really? What about allthe times you were whipping us?"

"Touché, Toby."

(laughter)

"Touché. Now, if you guyswouldn't mind clearing out

"your stuff,the Mexicans should be here

any minute to replace you."

All right, thanks, you guys,very much.

Loading...