CC Presents: Stephen Lynch

  • Season 12, Ep 1
  • 01/10/2008

Woman: THEY LOVE YOU, STEPHEN!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

- [Strums dramatically]- [LAUGHTER]

- [Woman screams out]- SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ EVERYONE KNOWS JESUS

♪ THE MAN WHO HEALED THE LAME

♪ WELL, I AM JESUS' BROTHER

♪ CRAIG IS MY NAME

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

♪ JESUS ISTHE PRINCE OF PEACE ♪

♪ JESUS IS THE LAMB

♪ JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD

♪ BUT CRAIG DON'T GIVE A DAMN

♪ BECAUSE WHEN CRAIG'S INSIDEWE PARTY ALL DAMN NIGHT ♪

♪ I DON'T TURN WATER INTO WINEBUT INTO COLD COORS LIGHT ♪

♪ I'M NOT MY BROTHERI KNOW, DON'T WALK ON H2O ♪

♪ BUT I GOTHYDROPONIC [BLEEP] IN MEAND JUDAS CROW ♪

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ CRAIG CHRIST

HA!

♪ I HANG OUT WITH LEPERS

♪ BARABAS AND SALOME

♪ JESUS' FRIENDSARE CALLED "APOSTLES" ♪

♪ CAUSE DUDESARE DEFINITELY GAY ♪

♪ JESUS PERFORMS MIRACLES

♪ FROM GALILEE TO ROME

♪ BUT IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE

♪ IF HE BROUGHTA [BLEEP] LADY HOME ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ BECAUSE WHILE JESUS IS PRAYING[BLEEP] CRAIG IS LAYING ♪

♪ EVERY LADY IN THE TESTAMENTYOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ♪

♪ I WON'T DIE FOR YOUR SINSLIKE MY FAMOUS KIN ♪

♪ BUT IF YOU GOT A LITTLE SISTERTHEN THERE'S ROOM IN THIS INN ♪

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ I'M [BLEEP] HA!

♪ CRAIG CHRIST

HA!

♪ JESUS WAS OUR MOTHER'S FAV

♪ ALL HER LOVE TO HIM SHE GAVE

♪ BUT THERE'SNO SIBLING RIVALRY ♪

♪ WHEN HE'S NAILEDTO THAT TREE, YEAH ♪

♪ AND NOW THE QUESTION FOR YOUIS NOT WHAT WOULD JESUS DO ♪

♪ BUT WHERE WILL YOU BEWHEN THE CRAIG MACHINECOMES PARTYING THROUGH ♪

♪ AND IF THE LORD WILL ALLOWYOU'VE GOT TO ASK YOURSELF HOW ♪

♪ AND WHO, AND WHY, AND WHENAND WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW? ♪

♪ IT'S [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ YEAH, [BLEEP] CRAIG

♪ CRAIG CHRIST

♪ HA CRAIG CHRIST AH

♪ CRAIG CHRIST AH

♪ I'M [BLEEP] CRAIG

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

UM, THIS IS SORT OFA HOT BUTTON TOPIC,

ESPECIALLY HERE IN AMERICA,AND THAT'S THE SUBJECT OF

RACE AND RACISM.AND I'VE BEEN SEEINGTHIS GIRL LATELY,

AND LET'S JUST SAY WE HAVESOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN US

WHEN IT COMES TOTHE SUBJECT OF RACE.

AND SO I FELT LIKEI NEEDED TO SIT HER DOWN ANDEXPLAIN MY VIEWS TO HER

- THROUGH SONG.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

♪ HAVE A SEAT AND LISTENPLEASE DON'T SAY A THING ♪

♪ IN MATTERS OFTHE HEARTS SOMETIMES ♪

♪ THE TRUTH WILL HAVE A STING

♪ JUST DON'T TAKE ITPER-SON-AL-LYTHIS IS NO ATTACK ♪

♪ BUT WE WILL NEVER LASTBECAUSE I'M WHITE ♪

♪ AND YOU ARE ALSO WHITE

♪ I ONLY LIKE BLACK GIRLSTHE BROWN GIRLS ♪

♪ THE CAFE OLE

♪ OR CARAMEL GIRLSAND MOCHA GIRLSJUST BLOW ME AWAY ♪

♪ IF YOU ARE NEW BEAND I WANT YOU TO BEIN EVERY FANTASY ♪

♪ BUT IF YOU'RE A WHITIESAY NIGHTY-NIGHTYIT'S NOT THE GIRL FOR ME ♪

♪ OOH, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA

♪ OH, I HATE VANILLA ICE CREAMI LIKE CHOCOLATE INSTEAD ♪

♪ I HOPE SHE LIKES HER SOUL FOODWITH A LITTLE WONDER BREAD ♪

♪ DON'T CALL IT JUNGLE FEVERCAUSE THAT JUST ISN'T RIGHT ♪

♪ I AM NOT A RACIST SOME OFMY BEST FRIENDS ARE WHITE ♪

♪ I JUST PREFER BLACK GIRLSAND BROWN GIRLS ♪

♪ AND CAFE OLEOR CARAMEL GIRLS ♪

♪ AND MOCHA GIRLSJUST BLOW ME AWAY ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE A CRACKERYOU BETTER GET BLACKEROR ELSE YOU BEST GET OUT ♪

♪ IT IS NO MYSTERYI LIKE A SISTER ♪

♪ SEE THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT ♪

♪ OH OUR WEDDING SONG WILL BEEBONY AND IVORY ♪

♪ AND WE'LL SINGCHRISTMAS CAROLS 'ROUNDTHE OLD KWANZA TREE ♪

♪ BUT COLOR IS NOTTHE ISSUE HERE ♪

♪ IT'S DIGNITYIT'S CLASS ♪

♪ IT'S ALL ABOUT HER HEART

♪ OKAY IT'S PARTLYABOUT THAT ASS ♪

♪ I WANT ME SOME BLACK GIRLSAND BROWN GIRLS ♪

♪ AND CAFE OLE, WOO--

♪ CARAMEL GIRLS AND MOCHA GIRLSJUST BLOW ME AWAY ♪

♪ GET OFF YOUR KNEES--HONKY PLEASE--THAT IS SO UNCOUTH ♪

♪ THE SKIN THAT SHE'S DWELLIN'IT MUST CONTAIN MELON ♪

♪ AND THAT ISTHE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ SEE MELANIN IS AN AGENT THATMAKES YOUR SKIN GET DARKER ♪

♪ THANKS FOR MAKING ME EXPLAINTHAT TO YOU ASS-[BLEEP] ♪

♪ THOMAS JEFFERSON

- NOBODY?- [LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE KIDS THOMAS JEFFERSONWAS THE PRESIDENT

OF THESEUNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AND HE LIKED TO--HOW DO I PUT IT DELICATELY--

- [BLEEP] SLAVES.- [LAUGHTER]

OOH!

I'M NOT SAYING IT'S RIGHT.I DON'T CONDONE IT.

I'M JUST SAYINGTHAT'S WHAT HE DID,

AND THAT'S WHY HE FITSTHE SUBJECT OF THIS SONG.

WHO ELSE?

- Woman: MICHAEL JACKSON.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU SAY MICHAEL JACKSON?WHAT ARE YOU, DYSLEXIC?

THAT WOULD BE AWHOLE OTHER SONG, MY FRIEND.

♪ I ONLY [BLEEP] WHITE BOYSAND THE LITTLE BOYS AND-- ♪

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS,WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ALLEGEDLY

YEAH.

♪ STROM THURMOND

♪ STROM THURMOND

♪ AND NOT MICHAEL JACKSON

♪ ALLEGEDLY

- THANK YOU.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

ABOUT GOD AND JESUS,

I WOULD HAVE TO GIVETHE OPPOSITION EQUAL TIME.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

PROBABLY FIGURE OUTWHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS ONE.

- IT'S SATAN, SIR.- [LAUGHTER]

REAPER.[Maniacal Singing Voice]

♪ EVERY SINCEFIRST MAN HAS WALKED THIS EARTHI HAVE BEEN HERE ♪

♪ TO WHISPER SEEDS OF DOUBTAND EVIL THOUGHTS INTO HIS EAR ♪

♪ I AM THE BEASTTHE OUTCAST ANGEL ♪

♪ FALLEN FROM ON HIGH

♪ I GO BY MANY NAMES BUTTHERE IS ONE YOU CAN'T DENY ♪

[High Pitched Voice]MY NAME IS SATAN.

HI EVERYBODY.MY NAME'S SATAN.

GOOD TO BE BACK IN NEW YORK,BORN AND RAISED.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH. QUEENS.

NOW AH, LET ME TELL YOU ALITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF, OKAY?

♪ MY FRIENDS ALLCALL ME 'OLD SCRATCHIN'I AM A CAPRICORN ♪

♪ MY TURN ONS ARE ROMANTIC WALKSAND KILLING THE UNBORN ♪

♪ I GOT LITTLE DEVIL HORNSAND A LITTLE GOATEE ♪

♪ A LITTLE DEVILISTEP A DEVILSYAND LITTLE CLOVEN HOOFS♪

♪ MAKE IT KIND OF HARD TO SKII'M SATAN ♪

♪ HE-HEE

♪ MY REAL NAME IS BEELZEBUBBUT YOU CAN CALL ME BEELS ♪

♪ I LOVE TO WATCH FOX NEWS

♪ AND THEN GO CLUBSOME BABY SEALS ♪

♪ THEN I'LL TAKE A BUBBLE BATHAND DRINK A ZINFANDEL ♪

♪ TRY TO WASH OFFTHAT BABY SEAL SMELL ♪

♪ THEN I'LL MAKEA TOAST TO ME, HEY ♪

♪ HERE'S TO MY HELL

♪ MY NAME IS SATANAH YA-AND... ♪

♪ I SPAWNED AN EVIL SONSO MY EVIL COULD BE SPREAD ♪

♪ BUT HE WASTES HIS EVILSINGING SONGS ABOUTSPECIAL KIDS NAMED FRED ♪

♪ I'M IN EVERY ZEPPELIN ALBUM

♪ I'M IN ALLRUSH LIMBAUGH'S RANTS ♪

♪ I'M THE REASON THATBARACK OBAMADOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE ♪

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

♪ IF I WANT TO EAT A SOULI'LL JUSTTHROW IT ON THE GRIDDLE ♪

♪ NO NEED TO MAKE A DEALI DON'T NEED TO TELL A RIDDLE ♪

♪ AND [BLEEP] CHARLIE DANIELSI DON'T CARE IF HE CAN FIDDLE ♪

♪ I'M SATAN6-6-6, THANK YOU ♪

ALL RIGHT,LETS TRY A SONG NOW

THAT I AM SHOCKEDGOT BY THE CENSORS.

♪ YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFEBUT IT CUTS LIKE A KNIFE ♪

♪ AND I FEEL LIKEI'M BEING MISLED ♪

♪ SEE I'M A LITTLE CONCERNEDFOR I'VE RECENTLY LEARNED ♪

♪ OF THE SWASTIKA TATTOOON YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ IT MAKES YOU SMILEWHEN YOU HEAR "SEIG HEIL" ♪

♪ YOU LOVE THE SMELL OF ABURNING CROSS IN THE YARD ♪

♪ YOU DO GOOSE STEP SALUTESIN YOUR DOC MARTIN BOOTS ♪

♪ AND YOU QUOTED MEIN KAMPFIN OUR 5th ANNIVERSARY CARD ♪

♪ I THINK YOU'RE A NAZIBABY, ARE YOU A NAZI ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT BE A NAZI, BABY

♪ YOU KEEP EXTENSIVE FILESON THE NUREMBERG TRIALS ♪

♪ AND YOU WATCH THEMWHENEVER THEIR AIRING ♪

♪ I GUESS I SHOULD'VE KNOWNWHEN YOU BOUGHT A NEW BONE ♪

♪ FOR YOUR PUPPY'S NAMEDGOEBELS AND GEHRING ♪

♪ YOU SHOWED UP LATETO OUR VERY FIRST DATE ♪

♪ I SAID, "HOW ARE YOU?"YOU SAID, "WHITE POWER." ♪

♪ CALL ME PARANOIDBUT I'M NOT OVERJOYED ♪

♪ WHEN YOU ASK MEIF I WANT TO [BLEEP] ♪

♪ I THINK YOU'RE A NAZI

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ LOOK DEEP IN YOUR PSYCHE, BABYARE YOU A NAZI? ♪

♪ SEEM A LITTLETHIRD REICHY MAYBE ♪

♪ YOUR EVERY DRESSIS MONOGRAMMED "SS" ♪

♪ YOU HOLD AN ARIAN PICNICAND BASH ♪

♪ AND IT MAKES ME IRATEWHEN YOU SAY I'D LOOK GREAT ♪

♪ IF I'D WEAR ALITTLE TINY MOUSTACHE ♪

♪ YOUR SOCIAL POLITICSSAY THAT RACES DON'T MIX ♪

♪ AND YOU CALL ITPURE BLOOD POLLUTION ♪

♪ AND WHENEVER I'M SADYOU SAY IT'S NOT SO BAD ♪

♪ FOR EVERY PROBLEMTHERE'S A FINAL SOLUTION ♪

♪ I THINK YOU'RE A NAZIGIVE ME ANSWER, BABY ♪

♪ ARE YOU A NAZI?

♪ YOU DRIVE A[BLEEP] PANZER BABY ♪

♪ THEY SAY THAT LOVE IS BLINDSO HOW COULD I HAVE GUESSED ♪

♪ BUT THEN AGAIN I MET YOU AT ASHINDLER'S LIST PROTEST ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I KNOW YOU'RE A NAZI

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING

♪ BECAUSE YOU'RE A NAZI

♪ SURE AS MY NAME ISSTEPHEN LYNCHBURG STEIN ♪

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOW THIS IS ANOTHER SONGFROM MY HEART,

AND THIS ONE I WROTE WHEN MYGRANDFATHER TOOK ILL RECENTLY,

- AND AH--- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE APPLAUDINGMY GRANDFATHER'S ILLNESS,

- YOU SICKO'S!- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

♪ WHEN GRANDFATHER DIESLIFE WILL BE STRANGE ♪

♪ WHEN GRANDFATHER DIESMY WHOLE WORLD WILL CHANGE ♪

♪ WHEN GRANDFATHER DIESI'LL SCREAM AND I'LL YELL ♪

♪ CAUSE I'LL BE[BLEEP] RICH AS YELL ♪

♪ SO, GRANDFATHER DIEDON'T KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE ♪

♪ OH, GRANDFATHER COUGH UPTHAT INHERITANCE ♪

♪ OH, GRANDFATHER DON'THOLD ON ANOTHER DAY ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU TO DEATHBUT I GOTS BILLS TO PAY ♪

♪ A STROKE WOULD BE NICEDISEASE WOULD BE COOL ♪

♪ I'LL SCATTER HIS ASHESIN MY NEW SWIMMING POOL ♪

♪ I'LL JAM WITH THE STONESI'LL DINE WITH THE QUEEN ♪

♪ NOW WHAT SAYWE UNPLUG THAT MACHINE ♪

♪ GRANDFATHER DIEBEFORE THE FISCAL YEAR ♪

♪ OH, GRANDFATHER IWISH KEVORKIAN WHERE HERE ♪

♪ OH, GRANDFATHER FLYJUST TAKE YOUR FINAL BOW ♪

♪ GRANDFATHER DIEFAMILY HATES YOU ANYHOW ♪

♪ FOR GOD SAKES YOU MUST BEAS OLD AS THE SUN ♪

♪ YOU'RE SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERIS ONE ♪

♪ YOU'RE DEAF, DUMB AND BLINDAND AN AMP-U-TEE ♪

♪ YOU DONATE YOUR BLOODEVERY TIME THAT YOU PEE ♪

♪ YOUR ARTHRITIS ACTS UPWHATEVER IT RAINS ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO OLD YOUR PENISHAS VARICOSE VEINS ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU DIE, GRANDPAWHY MUST YOU FIGHT ♪

♪ YOU OLD MOTHER-[BLEEP]

♪ JUST WALK TOWARDTHE GODDAMN LIGHT ♪

♪ WALK TOWARD THE LIGHT,OLD MAN ♪

♪ IT'S ALL OVER NOWMY GRANDDAD IS DEAD ♪

♪ A MYSTERIOUS BLOETO HIS WRINKLED OLD HEAD ♪

♪ BEFORE I COLLECTA SMALL OVERSIGHT ♪

♪ BUT EVERYTHINGSHOULD WORK OUT ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ I'LL START WORKING ONMY GRANDMA TONIGHT ♪

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S FOR YOU, BUDDY.

SO MUCH FOR COMING OUTTO MY SECOND SPECIAL.

THANKS TO MY TWO PALS,MARK TEICH AND ROD CONE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]]

WE'RE GONNA END NOW IN A SONGABOUT YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL,

- IF YOU NEVER GOT LAID.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- HARMONICA.- [Jazzy upbeat tempo]

- MORE HARMONICA.- ♪

♪ I GOT MY 12-SIDED DIAND I'M READ TO ROLL ♪

♪ WITH A WIZARDIN MY GOBLIN CREW ♪

♪ MY FRIENDS ARE COMING OVERTO MY MOM'S BASEMENT ♪

♪ BRINGIN' FUNIONSAND A MOUNTAIN DEW ♪

♪ I GOT A BIG BROAD SWORDMADE OUT OF CARDBOARD ♪

♪ AND THE STEREO'SA-PUMPIN' ZEPPELIN ♪♪ "DAZED AND CONFUSED"

♪ IT'S THAT TIME OF THE NIGHTWE TURN ON THE BLACK LIGHT ♪

♪ LET THE DUNGEONSAND THE DRAGONS BEGIN ♪

♪ IT'S D&D

♪ FIGHTIN' WITHTHE LEGENDS OF YORE ♪

♪ IT'S D&D

♪ NEVER KISSED A LADY BEFORE NOPE. HE HASN'T. WOO!

- ♪ - OW!

♪ NOW THE LORD OF THE RINGSIS OUR CRYSTAL AND THINGS ♪

♪ WE USE THESEAS A REFERENCE TOOL ♪

♪ AND WHEN WE PUTALL OUR CLOAKS ANDTELL WARLOCK JOKES ♪

♪ WE'RE THE COOLEST KIDSAT THE SCHOOL ♪

NOW WE'RE NOT.I KNOW.

♪ NOW, TEICH'S A REAL BASTARDBUT A FAIR DUNGEON MASTER ♪

♪ HE'S GOT HIT POINTSAND CHARISMA TO LEND ♪

♪ AND I REHEARSEIN MY ROOM OF WHAT I CALLTHE DRAGONS TUNE ♪

♪ WHEN I'M NOT OUTWITH MY GIRLFRIEND ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ♪ YES, I GOT A GIRLFRIEND

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE NO GIRLFRIEND ♪ WELL, I JUST TOLD YOU--

♪ NOW, DON'T LIE TO THEAMERICAN VIEWING PUBLIC ♪

♪ AND ALL THESEPEOPLE IN HERE YOU JUSTSAID IN THE FIRST VERSE ♪

♪ THAT YOU NEVERKISSED A LADY BEFORE ♪

♪ AND EVEN LAST NIGHTAT THE HOTEL ROOM ♪

♪ I CAUGHT YOU [BLEEP] OFF

♪ TO A VICTORIA SECRETCATALOGUE ♪

♪ SO KNOW YOU'RE LYIN'IT'S D&D ♪

♪ SUMMONING THE DEMONS OF HELLIT'S D&D ♪

♪ WHEN OUR SHIFT ENDSAT THE TACO BELL ♪

- ♪ CHALUPA - ♪ CHORDITA

- BRA-HA-HA!- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ WELL, MY MEDIEVAL BROTHERTHERE'S ROOM HERE FOR ANOTHER ♪

♪ WOULD YOU CARE TO TAKEA ROLL OF THE DI? ♪

♪ YOU GUYS MAKE ME WEEPYOU THINK THAT ♪

♪ YOU CAN KEEP UP WITHA WARRIOR AS MIGHTY AS I ♪

♪ SEE YOU'RE IN IMMORTAL DANGERI'M A FIRST CLASS RANGER ♪

♪ WHO'S HALF GARGOYLEAND HALF ELF, THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ AND IF THAT DOESN'T SCARE YAMAYBE I SHOULD BEWARE YA ♪

♪ OF WHAT LURKSWITHIN MY GAMING SHELF ♪

DO TELL.

♪ NEXT TO MY JUNIOR HIGH ANNUALLIES MY MONSTER MANUAL ♪

♪ AND MY CUSTOMIZEDDUNGEON MASTERS SCREEN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TREASURES AND TRAPSALL MY GRAPHICAL PAPER MAPS ♪

♪ NEXT TO MY 3 INCHSOLID PEWTER FIGURINES ♪

♪ SO, IF YOU THINKYOU'VE GOT THE BALLS ♪

♪ BRING ON YOURDUNGEON MASTER CALLS ♪

♪ I'LL BE PROTECTEDBY MY ROBE OF DESTRUCTION ♪

♪ AND I WILL LEAVE YOUBOTH IN TEARS ♪

♪ CAUSE I'M THEDUNGEON MASTER HERE ♪

♪ AND YOU TWO ARE IN NEEDOF SOME INSTRUCTION ♪

♪ IT'S D&D

♪ WARRIORS WHO TERRIFY

- ♪ IT'S D&D - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

♪ VIRGINS

♪ 'TIL THE DAY

♪ WE--

♪ UH-- OH-- UH-- OH, OH, OH--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO, NO, NO, NO,ONE, TWO, [BLEEP] YOU.

♪ DIE ♪

THANK YOU. GOODNIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Serviceswww.mCCaption.com

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