Blob Gets Job

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 04/07/2010

Mark accidentally outs Randall as a zombie, and Leonard tries to identify a strange new creature.

RANDALL, THE SINK'S CLOGGED.AGAIN.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE PULLINGYOUR EYEBROWS OFF,

PLEASE USE THE STRAINER.

[stammering]

[screaming]

OH, GROSS.

THERE'S ENOUGH HAIR HEREFOR A '70s PORNO.

[knocks on door]

- [grunting]

- I'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE.

THEY'RE MAKING ME COME INTO WORKON MY DAY OFF.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

[laughs]RANDALL?

WHA?

- [scoffs]

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

- WELL, IT WAS A CLOGGED SINK,

BUT THAT'S NOT EVENIN THE TOP FIVE ANYMORE.

WHO ARE YOU?

- I RENT AN APARTMENTFOR THE WEEKEND.

YOU TALK TO THE ZOMBIE MAN,OKAY?

- I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

RANDALL, HI.

WHY IS THERE A YETISITTING ON MY TOILET?

- YEAH, I DO THIS EVERY YEARFOR THE YETI CONVENTION,

JUST, LIKE, RENT MY ROOM OUTAND STAY IN THE VAN,

AND NOW I'M LIVING LARGE.

- YOU'RE LIVING IN A VAN.

- WELL, MAN, I'M NOT GONNALIVE WITH A YETI.

- [sighs]

DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?

- MAIS OUI.

ZOMBIE MAN SAID UTILITIESWERE INCLUDED.

- THAT'S NOT A UTILITY.THAT'S--WOW!

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS WEARSOME SHORTS AROUND HERE, MAN.

[toilet flushes]

- WELL, WELL,LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP.

- IT'S MY DAY OFF, TWAYNE.

I CLEARED THIS WITH YOUMONTHS AGO.

- I THINK I WOULD HAVEREMEMBERED THAT.

- I SENT AN EMAIL...- NO.

- A MEMO...- NO.

- A NOTARIZED LETTER.- NO.

- THE STRIPPER-GRAM?

- NO.- REALLY?

YOU DON'T REMEMBERTHE STRIPPER-GRAM?

- NO.- ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

TRUTH IS,WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE

LEAVING THE DEPARTMENTIN LEONARD'S HANDS.

THIS IS A SECURITY RECORDING

OF THE LAST TIMELEONARD WAS IN CHARGE.

- NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HE JUST SHOWED UP AND DEMANDEDTO SPEAK WITH NICOLE.

HUH?I KNOW. I TOLD HIM THAT.

HOLD ON.I THINK THIS IS HER.

HELLO, NICOLE?

OH, OH, I THOUGHTYOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I AM PAYING TOO MUCHFOR HEALTH INSURANCE.

- [screams]- OF COURSE I'LL HOLD.

- THAT GOES ONFOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.

- FINE, I'LL GET HIM STARTED.THEN I GO.

YOU KNOW,YOU COULD ALWAYS HIRE BACK

THE REST OF THE DEPARTMENT.

- NEVER.

- SO WHAT IS YOUR COUNTRYOF ORIGIN?

RIGHT.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD STARTWITH THE EASY ONES.

LET'S SEE, MALE OR FEMALE?

"IF NOT APPLICABLE,JUMP TO QUESTION 12.

"QUESTION 12, ARE YOU NOWOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER

OF THE ZOMBIE PARTY?"

WAIT, WHAT?

OH, I MUST HAVE GRABBEDTHE WRONG APPLICATION.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU PRIVATELYFOR A MOMENT?

- IT DOESN'T APPEARTO HAVE ANY EARS, BUT SURE.

- THE TRUTH IS, I HAVEN'T PUT INA REAL DAY'S WORK

IN ABOUT THREE YEARS NOW.

- WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE FILESBEFORE I ARRIVED?

- PRETTY MUCH JUST THREW THEMOUT THIS WINDOW.

- WELL, LOOKIE THERE.SO YOU DID.

BLOB. BLOB.BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB, BLOB.

BLOB...HMM.

OKAY, FIRST THING WE NEED TO DO

IS FIGURE OUTWHAT THE HELL IT IS.

DID YOU JUST GET BIGGER?

- [belches]

- [panting]

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE IT ENDEDAND LEONARD BEGAN.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- IS IT SHAMEFUL TO SAYI LOVED IT?

- I GUESSI SHOULD STICK AROUND.

- OH, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I'M WELL OVER 500 YEARS OLD.

I SHOULD BE ABLETO HANDLE THIS, RIGHT?

- GREAT.YOU'VE GOT YOUR CLIPBOARD.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR POINTY HAT.

MY NUMBER'S ON THE FRIDGEIF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY?

- DO WIZARDS PISSON THEIR ROBES?

YES, WE DO.

WE FREQUENTLY PISSON OUR ROBES.

[muffled dance music]

HERE'S RANDALL WHEN HE WAS JUSTA BABY.

OH, LOOK AT HIS LITTLE HAT.

AND HERE HE ISAT WEREWOLFS-BURG, VIRGINIA.

AND THIS IS A PIECEOF HIS UMBILICAL CORD.

- HOW...NICE.

- YEAH, AND HERE HE ISWEARING MY OLD ARMY HELMET.

- WAIT, YOU FOUGHTIN THE ZOMBIE WAR OF '68?

- OF COURSE.

YOU WANT TO SEEMY PRIZED POSSESSION?

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,THE REST OF HIM GOT AWAY,

BUT I GOT HIS THUMB, YEP.

LET'S SEE THAT BASTARDTRY TO REVIEW A MOVIE NOW.

- OH, ROGER,IT'S JUST A THUMB.

- IRONIC, HUH?

YOU SPENT YOUR YOUTHFIGHTING ZOMBIES,

AND THEN YOUR SON BECOMES ONE.

- ONE WHAT?

- NO, I'M SAYING IT'S ADMIRABLETHAT YOU CAN LOVE RANDALL

THE WAY YOU DODESPITE HIS BEING A ZOMBIE.

[both gasp]

THIS WOULD BEA GREAT TEACHABLE MOMENT

FOR ONE OF MY GROUP SESSIONS.

- HE'S SAYINGRANDALL'S A ZOMBIE?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO SEE WHAT THATCOLD SACK OF FLESH IS UP TO.

- WHAT THE HELLWAS THAT BACK THERE?

- [computer voice]THE [bleep] IF I KNOW.

- I'M ASSUMING YOU MEANT TO TYPE"TRUCK THAT I TOW"?

- [computer voice]DON'T BE AN ASS[bleep].

- OKAY, THESE ARE GETTING HARDERTO MISINTERPRET.

NOW, LOOK, I'VE GOTONE MORE JOB LINED UP,

AND THEN IT'S STRAIGHTTO THE FAILURE BOARD WITH YOU.

VITO, HOW'S IT HANGING?

- LIKE DAVID CARRADINE,MY FRIEND.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE

YOU COULD GIVE MY BUDDY HERETHAT BUSBOY JOB.

- THAT DEPENDS.DOES HE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE?

- [computer voice]DO MERMEN SWALLOW SEAMEN?

- OOH, I GOTA KINDRED SPIRIT HERE.

HE'S GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE.

[explosion]all: OH.

- DUDE,THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME.

- I CAN ONLY DO IT TWICE,THOUGH.

HEY, VINCE, PUT ONE OF THEMBRAIN DOGS IN MY GOOD HAND.

- HEY, YOU GET PASTYOUR PARENTS OKAY

WITH THE HOODIEAND THE SHADES?

- OH, NO, IT'S COOL.

THEY JUST THINKI'M A DRUG DEALER.

WHATEVER THEY DON'T KNOWIS NOT GONNA HURT 'EM, RIGHT?

HEY, HOW ABOUT ONEOF THEM ZIMAS, VINCE?

- RANDALL![chuckles]

CAN I JUST, UM...GRAB YOUFOR ONE QUICK SEC?

- WHAT'S UP, PUMPKIN?

- THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA SOUNDLIKE A STUPID QUESTION,

BUT YOUR PARENTS ALREADY KNOWTHAT YOU'RE A ZOMBIE, RIGHT?

- OF COURSE NOT.

- BUT IN THE DINER,

YOU SAID IT WAS HARDKEEPING IT A SECRET.

- YEAH, RIGHT, THEN I GOTWAY BETTER AT LYING.

- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

I REALLY THINKYOU SHOULD LEVEL WITH THEM,

BECAUSE I ALREADY KIND OF DID.

- OH, MAN, YOUR DADIS GONNA KILL YOU.

[cocks gun]

- YEAH, THAT'S HIS SHOOTING GUN,ALL RIGHT.

- RANDALL, HONEY,DADDY WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.

- THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

NOW LOOK AT THAT. CITIZENSHIP.AND YOUR PICTURE IN THE PAPER.

OH, I'D SURE LIKEA COPY OF THAT.

OH, THAT'S GOINGON THE SUCCESS BOARD.

- [computer voice]LOOK WHO'S A BIG [bleep] NOW.

- AND MAYBE A LITTLE MUSICTO DROWN OUT THE VULGARITY.

[sound-alike to Journey's Don't Stop Believin' playing]

[bell on door ringing]

- HELLO, CITIZENS.

- MARK, GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US,

'CAUSE EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS,A WIZARD TAKES A SHOT.

- I'M PROUD OF YOU, LEONARD.

YOU HANDLED THISALL ON YOUR OWN.

- MARK, MY FRIEND, I COULD HAVEONLY DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.

- OKAY.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGINGYOUR ZOMBIE FRIEND.

HE'S PARKING THE VAN.

[metal crunching]

- WHY DON'T YOU MOVE BACKTO JERSEY, YOU JERK?

[bell ringing]

[bell rings]

[music stops abruptly]

- HEY, WHO TURNED OFFTHE LIGHTS?

[gunshot]

- AND STAY DEAD.

HEY, THANKS FOR THE TIP, STEVIE.

[wheelchair motor whirring]

- THE PLEASURE WAS MINE.

- [computer voice]EW, THIS IS ALL WET AND STUFF.

- I JUST CAN'T STOP WONDERINGWHERE THEY PLACED HIM.

- DON'T FEEL BAD, BUDDY.THERE'LL BE OTHERS.

- THAT'S SWEET OF YOU, MARK,

BUT UNLESS THEY'RE TELLING METO GO [bleep] MYSELF...

[sighs]

THEY WON'T BE THE SAMEAS THE BLOB.

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