Marmel, Kashian, Collins, Fergason

  • Season 2, Ep 0204
  • 07/03/1998

HANGING OUT HERE IN COMEDY CENTRAL.

WHAT WAS THAT, MAN ?

HA, HA, HA, HA !

YOU GUYS ARE THE HAMMERED SECTION.

WE'RE GOING UP TO THE BALCONY, MAN.

THEY'RE UP THERE BOPPING.

THAT GUY'S GOTHIS SHIRT OFF.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE THEIR SPOTLIGHT--

EVERYONE ALWAYS WANTS TO BE A STAR.

AND WHENEVER THEY HAVE THEIR MOMENT,

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YOU JUST HAD YOUR MOMENT,THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.

( moaning )

LIKE HE'S GONNA BE TELLING HIS FRIENDS TOMORROW.

LIKE, DUDE, CHECK THIS OUT, MAN.

LAST NIGHT--

SHUT UP, DUMMY.

SHOW'S OVER.

HE'S GONNA BE HANGING OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS.

DUDE, YOU MISSED IT LAST NIGHT.

I'M AT THIS FILMING,PREMIUM BLEND, YOU KNOW.

KICK ASS BAND,U.S. BOMBS AND STUFF,

AND I FIGURED YOU KNOW, PACKED HOUSE

THIS IS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITYFOR MY TIME TO BE A STAR.

YOU KNOW SO.

HE COMES OUT WHATEVER HE'STELLING SOME DUMB STORY.

WHATEVER HIS DAD, WHATEVER.

AND SO COMES UP AND FOR AN INSTANT.

HE STARTS TELLING THE STORY ANDI FIGURE THIS IS A PERFECT TIME

FOR ME TO BE HUGE AND BLOW IT UP SO,

DUDE, CHECK THIS OUT.

EVERYONE GOT SILENT AND I JUST TOOK MY SHIRT.

( moaning )

THEY KICKED ME OUT, BUT IT WAS FUN, MAN.

ON THE WAY IN HERE

I GOT PESTERED BY ONE OF THESE HOMELESS GUYS

AND I TRY TO HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE HOMELESS, I REALLY DO.

BUT I'M TWENTY-FIVE THOUSANDDOLLARS IN CREDIT CARD DEBT

SO IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN EVER.

DO YOU HAVE A QUARTER, I'M BROKE.

OH, SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT BROKE, YOU'RE EVEN.

I'M BROKE.

TAKE OUT A LITTLE PERSONALRESPONSIBILITY, YOU RAT BAG,

YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY TO BROKE LIKE AN ADULT.

OH, YOU WORK FOR FOOD.

I WORK FOR VISA.

I'M WORKING FOR FOOD IBOUGHT IN MARCH OF 1989.

YOU GUYS LIKE THAT JOKE.

THAT'S THE JOKE THAT GOT ME

THROWN OFF LAST YEAR'S COMIC RELIEF.

HEY, SCREW THE HOMELESS,BACK TO YOU, WHOOPIE !

I HAVEN'T SEEN A GOOD MOVIE IN LIKE A YEAR.

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF RENTING BATMAN AND ROBIN.

THE NEW BATMAN MOVIE.

WHATEVER.

WHAT A STEAMING PILE THIS THING WAS.

NINETY MINUTES OF A DOG LICKING ITSELF

WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE INTERESTING.

AND IF THAT SUIT WAS ANYMORE GAY,

THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN A ZIPPER ON THE ASS.

( applause )

THE TITANIC.

THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE, WASN'T IT ?

WHAT A GREAT MOVIE.

SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY,RACE, CREED, AND COLOR.

GUYS LOVE THE ACTION.

CHICKS LOVE THE ROMANCE.

BLACK PEOPLE LOVED WATCHING

FIFTEEN HUNDRED WHITE PEOPLE DROWN.

IT WAS LIKE AMISTAD BUT HILARIOUS.

PAULA JONES IS APPEALING.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE HER A NEW HAIR STYLE, HUH ?

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PUT ON THAT IDIOT'S HEAD,

SHE IS MUTT UGLY.

CHICK'S GOT A FACE LIKE AN ICE SCRAPER.

I JUST WANT MY DIGNITY BACK.

WHAT DO I GOT TO DO TO GET MY DIGNITY ?

CHECK WITH YOUR DENTIST.

YOU CAN USE HER MOUTH TO OPEN UP CANS OF HI-C.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING WHATCLINTON DID WAS RIGHT OR WRONG.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S RIGHT.

I DON'T CARE !

LIKE LEWINSKI, WELL, SHE WASYOUNG ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER.

HE'S FROM ARKANSAS, JUST THANKGOD IT WASN'T HIS DAUGHTER.

IF IT DOESN'T BOTHER HILLARY, I DON'T CARE, OKAY.

YOU KNOW SHE'S THE FIRST LADY,SHE CAN DO THE SAME THING,

SHE CAN HAVE ANYBODY SHE WANTS.

SHE CAN HAVE HARRISON FORD,LEONARDO DICAPRIO, JANET RINO.

HER OPTIONS ARE OPEN.

I LOVE JANET RINO,

SHE'S GONNA PUT THAT OKLAHOMACITY, TIMOTHY MCVEIGH TO DEATH.

EXCELLENT !

EXCELLENT !

WELL, WHAT IF HE'S INNOCENT ?

OH, A DEAD REDNECK, DAMMIT.

THERE GOES THE CURE FOR CANCER.

OH, GOD.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE SOME SYMPATHY

FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO MICHAEL KENNEDY

BUT I CAN'T CAUSE SOMETIMES BADTHINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE !

WHEN YOU GET AWAYWITH HAVING SEX

WITH YOUR FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BABYSITTER

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HIDE FROM GOD FOR A LITTLE BIT.

DON'T GO TEMPTING HIM

BY SKIING AND PLAYING FOOTBALL AT THE SAME TIME.

GO LONG.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE CHRIST SET UP A PICK.

PAPER BEATS ROCK BUT TREE BEATSKENNEDY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THERE'S THIRTEEN OF THESE KENNEDYS,

FIVE OF THEM HAVE HAD TRAGEDY.

IT'S LIKE GOD'S PLAYING

WHACK-A-MOLE WITH THIS ENTIRE FAMILY.

I CAN'T GET TED !

OH, THE DRUNK ONE'S ARE TRICKY.

VERY UPSET WE HAVEN'T LOST ANY RAPPERS LATELY ?

YOU KNOW WE HAD A REAL NICEPATTERN GOING THERE FOR A WHILE.

EVERY THREE OR FOUR MONTHSSOME JACKASS IN A JIFFY POP HAT

WOULD GET WHACKED AND NOW NOTHING.

RIGHT AFTER BIGGIE SMALLS GOT SHOT,

SNOOP DOG SAID "I AIN'T GONNA GET TO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO GET SHOTBECAUSE I'M A RAPPER."

DUDE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GETSHOT BECAUSE YOU'RE A RAPPER,

YOU'RE GONNA GET SHOTBECAUSE YOU'RE A JACKASS.

THIS CRAP DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YANNI.

NO, I DON'T CARE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

THAT'S NOT GONNA GET MY INTEREST.

YOU TELL ME THOSE THREE PUNKS FROM HANSON GET KILLED,

THEN YOU GOT MY INTEREST,

AND MY APPROVAL.

IT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY TO SEETHOSE THREE IMBECILES HANGING

FROM MY PORCH LIKE WIND CHIMES.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT, YOU PUNKS ?

DID THE MALL OPEN EARLY ?

BIG FOLLOW UP TO "MMMBOP" WAS CALLED "WHERE'S THE LOVE" ?

YOU'RE TWELVE.

IT'S IN YOUR HAND WHERE IT BELONGS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

OH, YES, THE SMATTERING OF INDIFFERENCE, ROCK ON.

BUT NOW ACTUALLY NOW,I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

AND IT WAS SCARY TO MOVE TO LOS ANGELES.

IT WAS KIND OF CREEPY AND SCARY CAUSE,

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL IN THE BACK,

BUT I'M A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT.

YEAH.

I'LL MOVE THIS.

YEAH, I'M A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE UGLY.

I THOUGHT THAT THERE MIGHTACTUALLY BE SOME SHOUTING,

QUITE HONESTLY.

I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE SOME PEOPLE JUST YELLING

"HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO SHOOT BAYWATCH ,

GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY !

UMM, BUT NO, EVERYONE'S BEEN VERY NICE.

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN VERY POLITE.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE BEEN A LITTLEEXTRA FREE, CREEPY NICE THOUGH.

NOT SO REAL NICE.

UMM, I WAS AT A PARTYAND THIS ACQUAINTANCE,

SOMEONE THAT I KNOW, CAME UP TO ME AND SAID...

AND I KNOW THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO BE NICE.

I KNOW BUT SHE WASALL SCREWED UP SKINNY.

LIKE EXTRA FREE SKINNY.

AND SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THIS PARTY AND SAID

"HEY, JACKIE, YOU KNOW THERE'S CAKE.

OF COURSE, YOU'LL WANT A PIECE OF CAKE."

WELL, NO, QUITE HONESTLYCAKE IS NOT MY DOWNFALL.

I AM NOT RETAINING EXCESS CAKE.

SO I WAS JUST HOME ACTUALLY VISITING MY PARENTS.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IS I'MTHE YOUNGEST OF SIX CHILDREN,

I HAVE FOUR OLDER BROTHERS AND AN OLDER SISTER.

AND LAST TIME I WAS HOME WAS FORMY, THE YOUNGEST OF MY BROTHERS.

THE GOLDEN CHILD.

HE'S A GOOD GUY BUT HIM AND HIS WIFE, THE DOCTOR

JUST HAD THEIR FIRST CHILD,

A BOY, OF COURSE, THE CROWN PRINCE.

AND I'M HOME FOR THE BAPTISM,

I END UP BEING HOME FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS.

I WANT TO HOLD THE BABY.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW,IT'S HER FIRST BABY,

SHE WON'T LET ME HOLD IT AND

FINALLY I GET TO HOLD IT FORONE, LIKE FORTY-FIVE SECONDS

AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE'SSTANDING BEHIND ME GOING,

"DON'T FORGETTO HOLD HIS HEAD.

DON'T FORGET TO HOLD HIS HEAD."

I'M LIKE, "LIKE THIS, HUH ?

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME,I'VE HELD A BABY BEFORE."

YOU KNOW, I HAVE OTHER BROTHERS.

I HAVE MY BROTHER THE BREEDER.

HE'S GOT ALL THE CHILDREN IN AMERICA.

IF THIS WERE CHINA, NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE CHILDREN.

HE'S GOT GREAT KIDS.

BUT ONE OF HIS KIDS, SIXYEARS OLD, SHE'S IN THERAPY,

THERAPY, SIX YEARS OLD.

MY BROTHER CALLS ITPREVENTIVE THERAPY.

SHE'S SIX.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HER.

WHAT IS SHE DOING IN THERAPY ?

I JUST PICTURE HER STANDING THERE GOING

"I DON'T KNOW, I HATETHE BIG, DUMB, FAT CRAYONS."

I MEAN SHE'S GONNA BE NINE MAKING FUN OF KIDS,

BUT NOT LIKE WE DID.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHORT.

YOU'RE GROSS,YOU'RE FAT.

YOU BOTHER ME.

NO, SHE'S GONNA BE SAYING WEIRD LITTLE THERAPY THINGS

TO OTHER CHILDRENLIKE "YOU'RE AN ENABLER.

"NO, I DIDN'T DO IT.

"TIMMY MADE ME DO IT.

HE'S A FACILITATOR."

AND THERE'LL BE NEW GAMESTHEY'LL TAKE OLD GAMES,

MAKE THEM NEW AGE,

LESS COMPETITIVE, THAT WILL HELP, WON'T IT ?

AND LIKE REALLY FUN GAMES LIKE

"POLITICALLY CORRECT MUSICAL CHAIRS".

EVERYONE WILL GET A CHAIR.

"KICK THE CAN TO THE RECYCLING BIN".

"HIDE AND THEN FIND YOURSELF".

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,

"GOOD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH, FOOTBALL".

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS,ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW.

MAKE SOME NICE, BLACK FOLKS.

ALRIGHT.

I'M A NEW YORKER.

ANY NEW YORKERS HERE BY THE WAY ?

NEW YORK MAN,

THEY GOT RID OF ALL THE MINI MALLS IN NEW YORK, MAN.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WOOLWORTH'S.

THAT'S A MALL, Y'ALL.

REMEMBER WOOLWORTH'S.

ANYPLACE WE CAN GO BUY AN ANIMAL AND YOUR UNDERWEAR

AND THEN WALK OVER THERE AND HAVE LUNCH.

WE GOT OUR FIRST PET FROM WOOLWORTH'S.

WE GOT TURTLES ABOUT THIS BIG.

COST TWENTY-NINE CENTS.

MY CHEAP FATHER, MAN, BRING ITHOME, LIVED ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

SEVEN YEARS OLD AND HEARTBROKEN.

DAD.

MYRTLE'S DEAD.

MY FATHER'S CHEAP.

DIDN'T CARE.

SAID "THAT'S OKAY.

"NOW SHE'S A FRISBEE.

"SHE WAS A PET, NOW SHE'S A TOY.

"YOU SEE, SON, THAT'S CALLED RECYCLING.

NOW GO GET YOUR TOY."

WOOLWORTH'S MAN, THEY HADANIMALS IN WOOLWORTH'S, Y'ALL.

BUT THEY WERE ON SALE

BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

THEY HAD LIKE USED PETS.

THEY HAD ONE EYEDGERBILS IN THERE.

HOW YOU DOING ?

THEY CAN ONLY GO LEFT.

SOME NASTY RAGGEDY BIRDS IN WOOLWORTH'S BOY.

REMEMBER THOSE BIRDS IN THERE ?

PIGEONS LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GO "EWW".

FOUR BIRDS, ONE FEATHER

AND THEY ALL GOT ASTHMA.

THEY HAD FISH IN THERE CAN'TSWIM HOLDING ON TO THE EDGE.

"I KNOW I HAD LUNCH, GOT TO WAIT AN HOUR.

"DON'T PUSH ME.

"WHO'S SPLASHING ?

"WHY YOU SPLASHING ?

"THAT'S WHY YOUR MAMA'S A GUPPY.

HOW ABOUT THAT, ALRIGHT ?"

THEY WOULD HAVE A DOG IN THERE, MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT.

IT WOULD HAVE A BARK IMPEDIMENT.

IT WOULD STUTTER.

HE'S IN THE CAGE GOING "BOW...

"BOW...

ARF."

MAKE SOME NICE, BLACK FOLKS.

ALRIGHT.

I'M A NEW YORKER.

ANY NEW YORKERS HERE BY THE WAY ?

NEW YORK MAN,

THEY GOT RID OF ALL THE MINI MALLS IN NEW YORK, MAN.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WOOLWORTH'S.

THAT'S A MALL, Y'ALL.

REMEMBER WOOLWORTH'S.

ANYPLACE WE CAN GO BUY AN ANIMAL AND YOUR UNDERWEAR

AND THEN WALK OVER THERE AND HAVE LUNCH.

WE GOT OUR FIRST PET FROM WOOLWORTH'S.

WE GOT TURTLES ABOUT THIS BIG.

COST TWENTY-NINE CENTS.

MY CHEAP FATHER, MAN, BRING ITHOME, LIVED ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

SEVEN YEARS OLD AND HEARTBROKEN.

DAD.

MYRTLE'S DEAD.

MY FATHER'S CHEAP.

DIDN'T CARE.

SAID "THAT'S OKAY.

"NOW SHE'S A FRISBEE.

"SHE WAS A PET, NOW SHE'S A TOY.

"YOU SEE, SON, THAT'S CALLED RECYCLING.

NOW GO GET YOUR TOY."

WOOLWORTH'S MAN, THEY HADANIMALS IN WOOLWORTH'S, Y'ALL.

BUT THEY WERE ON SALE

BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

THEY HAD LIKE USED PETS.

THEY HAD ONE EYEDGERBILS IN THERE.

HOW YOU DOING ?

THEY CAN ONLY GO LEFT.

SOME NASTY RAGGEDY BIRDS IN WOOLWORTH'S BOY.

REMEMBER THOSE BIRDS IN THERE ?

PIGEONS LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GO "EWW".

FOUR BIRDS, ONE FEATHER

AND THEY ALL GOT ASTHMA.

THEY HAD FISH IN THERE CAN'TSWIM HOLDING ON TO THE EDGE.

"I KNOW I HAD LUNCH, GOT TO WAIT AN HOUR.

"DON'T PUSH ME.

"WHO'S SPLASHING ?

"WHY YOU SPLASHING ?

"THAT'S WHY YOUR MAMA'S A GUPPY.

HOW ABOUT THAT, ALRIGHT ?"

THEY WOULD HAVE A DOG IN THERE, MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT.

IT WOULD HAVE A BARK IMPEDIMENT.

IT WOULD STUTTER.

HE'S IN THE CAGE GOING "BOW...

"BOW...

ARF."

OH, MAN, I GOT INTO MY FIRSTREAL FIGHT IN NEW YORK, MAN.

REAL FIGHT.

POLICE SHOWED UP AND EVERYTHING.

AND IT WAS WILD.

AND THANK TO MY GRANDFATHER,HE TAUGHT ME SELF-DEFENSE.

YOU KNOW, I'LL NEVER FORGET I WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.

COMES INTO THE ROOM, OUT OF THE BLUE HE GOES,

"LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

HOW DO YOU DEFEND YOURSELF ?"

I'M LIKE WHAT ?

"HOW DO YOU DEFEND YOURSELF ?"

I SEEN ENOUGH BRUCE LEE, I KNOW WHAT'S UP, YOU KNOW.

HE'S LIKE "NO, NO, NO.

"I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW YOU DEFEND YOURSELF.

"NOW YOU LISTEN UP, ALRIGHT, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

"YOU LOOK YOUR OPPONENT DEAD IN THE EYES.

"YOU SHOW NO FEAR.

THEN YOU TURN YOUR BACK TO HIM."

I'M LIKE WHAT ?

HE SAID, "YOU TURN YOUR BACK TO HIM."

I'M LIKE ALRIGHT.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

"NOW LISTEN UP.

"YOU TAKE ALL YOUR WEIGHT,YOU PUT IT ON YOUR LEFT LEG.

"YOU TAKE YOUR RIGHT KNEE,

"YOU BRING IT TO YOUR CHEST AND THEN YOU BRING IT DOWN.

"THEN YOU TAKE ALL YOUR WEIGHTYOU PUT IT ON YOUR RIGHT LEG,

"YOU TAKE YOUR LEFT KNEE,

"YOU BRING IT TO YOUR CHEST AND YOU BRING IT DOWN.

NOW YOU REPEAT THAT, SPEED IT UP."

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