Wednesday, June 22, 2016

  • 06/22/2016

Flula Borg, Kevin Pereira and Erica Rhodes discover how Mark Zuckerberg stays safe from hackers, list the concerns of uninformed voters and make up #DogJobs.

Photo social sharing network andmobile butt-catalogue Instagram

reached 500 million usersthis week!

It's very impressive,even if you ignore the fact

that one millionof those are fake Russian babes

hornyfor your Social Security number.


-(applause and cheering)-Oh, they want it.

They want it bad.

Facebook CEO and T-shirt haver

Mark Zuckerberg, seen here,

has congratulated the 'Grams

by posting this adorable photoright here.

See, he looks likehe's in a thing,

but he's holding it up.

It's an Instagram!He likes to have fun.


I think actually... I don't knowif I'm wrong about this.

I'm not an expert,but I think

orthodox Kardashians actuallyhave sex through those.


-I don't know.(applause and cheering)


Wait a minute, though.What is that...?

What is that on his computer?

Jack, enhance!


Mark Zuckerberg-- he tapes uphis camera and his microphone

so hackers can't spy on him.

That is not a good signfrom the guy

who asks youto share your entire life,

but he doesn't trustthe Internet.

-(laughter, applause)-Uh, comedians,

what else is the Zuck doingto avoid getting hacked?

Kevin Pereira.

Well, he sends dick picsvia carrier pigeon.

-(laughter)-It was nice.

-Just... -You can hack those!You can hack those.

Uh, Flula Borg.

He has stopped usingthe easily guessable password

"Who let the Zuck out?Bark, bark, bark."


(applause and cheering) -Thatwould have been the first...

Well, now he's got to change it,now that you told everyone.

Erica Rhodes.

He doesn't use Facebook.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: That's right.

-He's a big Myspace fan.-(applause) -Yeah.

It's coming back, you guys.Put me in your top eight.

There's been a lot of talklately about the one percent,

a group of privileged eliteswho control a huge chunk

of the nation's wealth.

But America'sa very big country,

and way at the other endof the economic spectrum

are the shoeless mountain folkwho are skeptical of plumbing

and worship the sun and moonas powerful deities.

Well, an eye openingnew CNN poll hammers home

just how staggeringly uninformedAmericans can be.

Reporter Raffi Williamsnoted on Twitter that,

when asked their opinionson Democrats and Republicans,

one percent of Americanshad never heard of either party.

-(laughter) -Once percent.One percent of Americans.

-U.S.A.!-RHODES: Yeah.

ALL (chanting):U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

What is that?What are things?

-What are things?-(laughter)

-Shouting words.-HARDWICK: Shouting things.

So, you do a little quick math,and you go, "One percent.

Well, it's not that crazy,one percent."

It's roughly 2.4 million people

who have never heardof either political party!

But they know the wholeIn-N-Out secret menu.

-HARDWICK: Oh, yeah,they know... -Nail it.

-They know what animal style is.-(applause and cheering)

Give me a double-doubleand a double bill.

-(applause and cheering) -They know protein style.

-America!-HARDWICK: Yeah.

But it also means that there aretwo and a half million Americans

being raised or held captive

in dirt-floored basementsright now,

who still somehow manageto respond to political polls.

Do you see the irony?

'Cause they don't knowthe parties,

but they'll respondto the polls.

So, comedians,what are the top election issues

for this other one percent?

-Kevin. -We got to get thesedamn raccoons out of here!

-(applause and cheering)-Yeah, wherever they are,

just get the raccoons out.

-Flula.-A constitutional amendment

that declaresthat eating ain't cheating.


-(applause and cheering)-HARDWICK: Well... yes. -Nice.

Erica Rhodes.

I ain't gotno election problems.

-I get hard just fine.-HARDWICK: Yeah, all right.

-It's time for tonight'sHashtag Wars. -Yes!

(applause and cheering)

This Friday isTake Your Dog to Work Day,

or if you're a veterinarian,going to work.


Man's best friendis also man's best moocher.

But no more!

It is timeto put these freeloading

-goddamn fuzz balls to work!-Yeah!

-Yeah! Yeah!-(applause and cheering)

Like this guy,whose job is sniffing out porn.

Which sounds great.

Since Utah's cracking downon people cranking off,

they're sending inK-9 specialists

who can smell hard drivesand electronics,

which is how authoritiestrack down kiddie porn,

not to be confused with kittyporn, which dogs also hate.

-Aw. -Uh...-(laughter)


Hey, guys...

What? You don't...

you don't loveFreddie Purr-cury.

-(laughter, groaning)-BORG: Oh! Oh!


Uh, so, since our canine friendsare getting careers,

tonight's hashtag is #DogJobs.

Examples might be:barking attendant,

and: best boy.Who's the best boy!


I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Kevin.-Peanut butter remover.

(laughter, applause)


-Flula Borg.-Secretary of wagriculture.

(laughter, shouts, cheering)

With the tails.With the tails...

and they're... just shaking it.

Uh, Erica.

-Barkiologist.-Yes! Points!

(whooping, applause)

Uh... you mean Indiana Bones?

(audience shouting, jeering)

Uh... Erica.

-Terrierist.-Yes! Points!

(shouting, applause)

-Kevin.-Shih Tzuperintendent.

-Yeah, all right, points.-(laughter)

-Flula Borg.-The reboot of Perfect Strangers

-starring Barki Barktokomous.-Oh, my God.

You know what? They don'tremember Perfect Strangers!

Deep cuts! Deep cuts! Deep cuts!

Points.I remember Perfect Strangers.

Are they just getting thatin Germany now?

Yeah, we just startedtwo years ago.

It's so funny.


-Uh, Erica.-Uh, lick my own ball boy.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Flula.-A professional model

at Abercrombie & Fetch.

-Yes, points! Very good.-(cheering, applause)

Very good. Yeah.