Pulp Comics: Dave Attell

  • 05/27/1997

You know, I really feel amazing

tonight.

I mean, I know that sounds like

something I'm just saying, but I

started these things--this

friend of mine's into all this

holistic stuff, and she gave me

these energy crystals.

And what they are is--they're

crystals that you grind into a

powder, and then you blow them

up your nose.

[laughter]

And it's incredible.

I feel like I could talk all

night, I really--

[laughter]

And I will.

♪ Let's start at

♪ the beginning.

That's the beginning song, and

it's not ready yet because I've

had about 60 different ideas

about how it should go.

I tend to get a little

distracted when it comes to

focusing on what I want.

That's why I have to keep my

wishes and my dreams in one

place.

I keep them in here.

This is my wish box.

And this, yet to come, is my

dream house.

I've been looking for a place in

L.A. to buy, and I've had to ask

myself a lot of grown-up

questions like, "Are there

enough outlets?"

"Is there enough closet space?"

And if need be, "Is there enough

room here for a mass suicide?"

I feel as if the universe, the

spirits--everything is

converging to make it my--my

year, actually.

I'm in love.

I have a man in my life who's

very--he is so special.

He--this guy, he kisses me

before we do it.

[laughter and applause]

Whenever I'm intimate with

someone and, you know, or in

love--you know, and you're in

the moment or whatever--I try to

think, what is the last thing

that I want to hear come

shooting out of their mouth

at me?

And it's always this:

"Have you ever had anal sex?"

[laughter and applause]

And I'm sick of fighting it.

I'm sick of, like, having them

say why it would be so great and

me saying why it would not be so

great.

So I've just decided this is my

excuse; this is what I say.

"You know, it's not that I don't

want you to; the honest-to-God

truth is, it's haunted.

[laughter]

I've got to be honest with you,

the last person who went back

there vanished.

Nothing left but a chipped tooth

and a bloody eyeball."

The great thing about this wish

box is, I will not limit myself

with what I put in here.

I've got everything in here.

I've got a newspaper clipping, a

lock of human hair, a

fingernail, a drop of blood.

And the next thing you know, the

person who hurt me isn't

feeling so well.

I feel like I've been going

through this all my life--

dating--because my mom was

always dating too, and going on

blind dates.

And I remember this one time I

went on a date with my mother,

and this guy was a total--just a

hard-core bachelor.

He thought that I could just be

entertained for hours with a

stuffed animal--just me, at nine

years old--locked away, like, in

his den--while he made out with

my mother in the living room.

At this point I was like, "Russ,

I can see the wheels spinning in

your penis.

[laughter]

I know what you want.

All of a sudden, we're having

this bargain going, like I'm my

mom's pimp.

All right, Russ, come here.

Do you think I brought my lady

over here tonight so that I

could go home with a stuffed

animal in my pocket?

I got to eat too.

Okay, Russ?

Russ, you make me laugh, Russ.

Ha, ha.

Russ, let me tell you something

about the mommies in my stable.

[funky music]

They're quality pieces of A,

all right?

And I can't let you have this

one for anything less than a

Monopoly game and an Eagles

album.

[laughter]

Make that a double album."

[funky music]

>> Hey, baby, want a date?

>> Hi, there, how about a

home-cooked meal?

>> Hey, man, like what you see?

Ain't they nice?

These are my mommies.

This is Mrs. O'Neal.

She's sweet, ain't she?

And clean--you got a dirty

place?

She'll pick up after you.

Not your type?

Okay, no problem; she's gone.

And this is Mrs. Edmunston.

Say hello to the handsome

gentleman, Mrs. Edmunston.

>> Hi; that's a cute jacket.

Is it cotton?

>> Yeah, she's my finest.

You can tell, can't you?

She's great.

Okay, stud--50 bucks, she'll

make you feel unsuccessful.

For 100, bucks she'll make you

wish you were never born.

What'll it be?

50?

All right, get in,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> I'm not getting in there.

That car stinks.

>> Heh, heh--no, no, no.

No, man, she didn't mean it.

She was kidding.

She's, you know, going through

her thing.

She didn't mean it, man.

Hey, where are you going?

Stop.

Hey, you're not going to do

better than my mamas.

You're not doing better than my

mamas.

Don't even try.

Hey; hey!

You mother-loving freak!

You freak!

>> Sorry, but the car smelled

bad.

It did.

Like an old bologna sandwich or

something.

Maybe he packed a lunch and the

ziplock seal didn't stay stuck?

>> You queered that trick,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> That car needed a pine

freshener.

>> Do you think I'm out here

working for my health?

>> Oh!

>> Careful; somebody's going to

lose an eye.

>> Hey, you mind your own

business, all right?

Go brew some tea.

What's going on in that head of

yours?

>> It smelled like--

>> Shh, shh--I know.

Hey, who's my mommy?

Huh?

Who's my favorite mommy?

>> Me.

>> That's right; you.

>> Let me be your favorite.

I'll do whatever it takes--wash,

clean, cook.

>> Not now, Lucille.

All right, ladies, back to work,

or no one...gets a card on their

birthday.

>> Well, first of all, I have a

rule.

And that is, I never look at

somebody's face while we're

having sex because number one,

what if I know the guy?

[laughter]

You know, it's never going to

be the right face.

And I happen to look at this

guy, and the guy is doing this.

[laughter]

Like giving me

the trying-too-hard face.

You know, and I was like oh,

please.

You know, all of a sudden it's a

physics exam.

And I'm just like, please don't

make that face over me.

Because whatever it is, you are

not going to figure it out in

the next five minutes.

I've had this thing for years,

and I still don't know what it

wants.

[laughter and applause]

But also, I realize that my face

is no treat to look at either

because I'm always like this...

[laughter]

Can we open another register?

No, actually, I temped a lot.

I used to temp, and I think

there's something about steady

exposure to fluorescent lights

that can dissolve any trace of a

personality.

There was this woman that I used

to work with, and every

Monday--didn't talk to me during

the week--but every Monday,

she'd say, "How was your

weekend?

How was your weekend?"

And then I said, "Oh, not good.

I accidentally killed a man."

And she said, "Oh, you should

have called me.

We went antiquing."

[laughter]

There's something about me I

guess that's very untrustworthy,

like I look like either a

shoplifter or someone who can't

be trusted with kids.

And I can be trusted with kids.

It was just that one time.

[eerie music]

>> It's 7:00; I'd better go.

Thanks for babysitting, Laura.

>> Oh, sure.

>> So what do you think about

the new hutch?

>> It's nice.

>> I had to work overtime to

afford it, but I think it goes

perfect with the rug and the

walls.

And I have my eye on some new

curtains.

They have just the right amount

of burgundy to bring out the

color on the carpet.

>> Mom, when are you going to

go?

>> The curtains have this

little olive strip--

>> Mom, just go.

>> What is your problem?

Why do you want Mommy to leave

so much?

>> Because Laura and I do

something.

>> Oh, really?

[ominous music]

What do you do?

>> Play a game.

>> A game?

[ominous music]

What kind of game?

>> I can't tell you.

You'll get mad.

>> I won't get mad.

[clock ticking]

[bells chiming]

>> Honey, tell me what you and

Laura do when I go.

>> When you go, she lets me

jump on the couch.

>> That's not--

>> Shane, go upstairs.

What is wrong with you?

I can't trust you anymore,

Laura.

Go.

>> Well, if I'm not coming back,

there's no point in hiding this.

We ate in here, and I let the

dogs crap on the couch.

[dramatic music]

The thing that amazes me about

getting fired is that no one

ever has anything insightful to

say.

People always say the same

thing.

They always say, "Well,

everything happens for a

reason."

You know, and as lame as that

sounds, I guess it's better to

hear it out loud.

Because when you hear it in your

own head it sounds like, "Well,

anything can happen with a

razor."

[laughter]

York, I was actually watching

a gay pride parade.

And I don't know if you've ever

seen these, but they're

spectacular.

I love them.

And my favorite, favorite thing

in a gay pride parade are the

big helium cartoon characters.

There's something--something

about seeing Bullwinkle's ass in

chaps, I just--

[laughter]

I just--I revert right back to

being a kid on on gay pride

morning--I don't know.

[laughter]

The thing that bothers me about

parades, though, is when they're

taken too seriously.

There's so much emphasis on

their importance, and I--I kind

of hate that, because, like,

every year in Boston, it's a big

deal about whether or not gays

can march in the St. Patrick's

Day parade.

And I have to say that on some

level, I kind of see their

point, because when you think

about it, it is a real macho,

heterosexual event, you know?

A bunch of guys in short skirts

on a cart made of rose petals,

sharing a bagpipe.

You know, that's--

that's not for sissies.

out with a couple of men who

have realized that they were

gay.

It happened to me once in

college, a couple years after

college, and then again last

year.

And I don't know; it's been

humiliating, I have to say.

You know, I kind of--I just feel

like, when did I become security

at the gay border?

[laughter]

Excuse me, sir, you want to come

back here, please?

Yes, step back here--you're not

gay until you go through me

first.

[laughter]

Just step through here.

[laughter]

Did anyone help you pack before

you met me?

All right, sir, just checking.

Listen, we all want to get to

the ramrod.

Okay, speed it along.

[laughter]

>> My grandmother--she passed

away at Christmas time.

So now I have this built-in

sadness, you know, every

holiday.

You know, because I'm plagued

with the thoughts of, you know,

what would she have given me?

[laughter]

Um, what didn't I get to open

this year, you know?

No, we were close, and this

friend of mine said that since I

was really tight with my

grandmother that she would

probably visit me in my dreams.

[eerie music]

>> Laura.

>> And I thought, "God, that

would be amazing."

Then I thought, well, "How could

I be sure that she'd visit

during the right one?"

[moaning]

>> Ah, yeah.

>> Lower.

>> Laura, honey, it's me,

Grandma.

>> My grandma's here.

All right, everybody, get off.

Grandma, this is Mr. December,

and this is the faceless guy who

chases me.

>> Hi.

>> Hello.

>> Um, do you guys mind?

This is a little embarrassing.

My grandma's here.

What?

>> Eh.

[feigning screaming]

>> There; you happy?

Now get out.

Grandma, I can't believe

you're here.

>> Well, I missed you.

>> God, Grandma, you look

beautiful.

>> I got this dress at the

Salvation Army.

They wanted $5 for it,

but it's got a hole.

See?

I told them it wouldn't be worth

more than $2, but that old

Sarah at the cash register

wouldn't give me nothing for it.

She's such an old bitch.

No wonder her husband left her.

>> There's a guy out here

waiting to throw you down a

flight of stairs.

Should I send him in?

>> I can't take that dream right

now.

Tell him I'm busy.

Like I can't fall down a flight

of stairs without a man.

Grandma, I wish we could see

each other all the time, like we

used to.

>> We'll see each other again,

in 14 birthdays.

>> 14 birthdays?

>> 14 birthdays.

>> Are you saying I'm going to

die in 14 years?

I can't believe this is

happening to me.

>> You, you, you--it's always

about you, isn't it, Laura?

>> Why are you still here?

I had the revenge dream about

1/2 hour ago.

Grandma, you remember my last

boyfriend?

>> No.

>> Well, I, uh, look a little

different.

Laura pushed me into a wheat

thresher.

>> You only remember the bad

things.

>> And you only remember the

Laura things.

Laura's wants, Laura's

needs--Laura, Laura, Laura.

You know, tomorrow night when we

do this, I'm gonna cut your

tongue out.

>> Ha, ha.

>> Hmm, do you want to see the

cheerleaders who made fun of

you in high school?

>> Uh, definitely, but I'm

running behind, so, uh, tell

them to start putting the

leeches on themselves.

So 14 years, huh?

I'll be 44.

That's too young to die.

>> Well, look at it this way: at

least you'll go out before your

ass sags.

>> Well, I guess it's for the

best then.

Thanks.

Every time you get fixed up--

I noticed this--that the

description that a friend gives

for the guy that she's fixing

you up with is exactly the same

as the neighbors of a serial

killer.

[laughter]

It's always, "Handsome guy."

"Good job."

"Polite."

"Always says hello."

I'm, like, "All right, what's

the bad stuff?"

"He might cut you up and wear

your tits on a belt."

[laughter]

I think this is a great time of

the year because we're over a

lot of ugly holidays.

When you think of it, it goes

Christmas, New Year's Eve, and

Valentine's Day.

Is that fair to anyone who's

alone?

[laughter]

Those are all days where you've

got to be with someone.

And it's like, if you didn't get

around to killing yourself at

Christmas or New Year's, boom,

there's Valentine's Day for you.

[laughter and applause]

I think there should be just one

more holiday after Valentine's

Day, just for the stragglers.

And it should be called,

Who Could Love You?

[laughter and applause]

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