Lenny Clarke & Mark Pitta

  • 02/24/1992

I'M SINGLE NOW, BUT THELAST ONE, WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

AND I READ NOSTRADAMUS,PAGE 4,008.

IT SAID, "BEWARE OF HITLER,HUSSEIN AND HARRIET."

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

SOMEONE SHOWED ME THAT.

I MEAN, WHEN I MOVED INWITH THIS LADY

I WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM,LOOKING AT THIS APARTMENT.

I SAID, "WHAT'S THISHANDWRITING ON THE WALL?"

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW?

AND SHE SAID, "LOOK,I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU

BUT I WANT A SIGNING BONUS."

I FEEL THAT'S A MISTAKERIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW.

AND I SAID TO HER,LIKE THE FIRST NIGHT

"I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU,MY HEART IS POUNDING."

SHE WENT,"DON'T SMOTHER ME, SCUM."

I MEAN, THAT'S A BAD SIGN.

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I ADORE YOU."

AND SHE WENT,"AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD?"

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THEN WE GO OUT THE FIRST NIGHT.

I TOOK HER TO THE MOVIES.

BAD SIGN.

WE WENT TO SOME FOREIGN FILM

AND BUZZARDS WERECIRCLING THE CINEMA

WHICH IS NOT A GOOD THING.

AND PLUS, SHE WASA HORROR MOVIE FAN

AND SPEAKING OF HORROR MOVIES,I GO TO MY HOUSE

I'M ALONE ON OCCASION WITH HER,AND LIKE, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

LIKE I HEARD-- IT WAS ALMOSTLIKE I WAS LIVING IN A FILM.

I HEARD THIS OMEN CHANT.

IT WAS LIKE,"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO."

YOU KNOW, THINGS WEREFLOATING AROUND

LIKE IN THE POLTERGEIST FILM.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

PLUS SHE TALKED LIKEA PIRATE FOR NO REASON.

SHE TALKED... I MEAN,I'M NOT AGAINST PIRATES.

IF YOU'RE A PIRATE WATCHING,I LOVE PIRATES.

BUT I MEAN, LIKE, "I WANT TOHAVE BRUNCH, MATEY, NOW, AYE."

I MEAN, COME ON.

AND SHE WOULD ONLY MAKE LOVEON A GRASSY KNOLL.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

AND THERE WAS NO GRASSY KNOLLIN THE AREA.

SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT,WE'LL MAKE LOVE

BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVEA RAVEN ON YOUR SHOULDER."

AND THEN WHEN SHE HAD AN ORGASM,I KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT ME.

SHE WENT, "OH, I WANTTO MOVE BACK TO NEW YORK."

( laughter )

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

I WANT TO FIND SOMEONEWHO WASN'T AS PROMISCUOUS.

I'M NOT THAT PROMISCUOUS,SHE WAS.

I MEAN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

I MEAN, SHE PUT A TRIANGLEOVER THE BED BEFORE WE MADE LOVE

WHICH WAS... SHE WENT,"COME AND GET IT"

WHICH I FELT WAS A BAD SIGN.

AND THEN, "GENTLEMEN,START YOUR ENGINES," COME ON.

I GET IN AROUND 6:55SO I'M FIGHTING FOR SLEEP.

( laughter )

THE WIFE COMES BOUNCING INTO BED

SAYS, "COME ON, HONEY,LET'S GO OUT AND PLAY."

SHE'S YOUNG, SHE'S 15.

IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I SAID, "HONEY,I DON'T WANT TO PLAY."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"

I SAID, "LET'S HAVE SOME BEERAND WATCH CARTOONS."

"I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DRINK."

I SAID, "GOOD, BECAUSE I HATEYOU WHEN I'M NOT DRINKING."

TODAY PEOPLE GET DIVORCEDAT THE DROP OF A HAT.

"WHO LEFT THISBUTTER KNIFE HERE?

I WANT A DIVORCE."

I MEAN, PEOPLE SNAP.

I CAN'T GET DIVORCED--EIGHT LONG YEARS.

I CAN'T GET DIVORCEDBECAUSE I'M A CATHOLIC.

CATHOLICS DON'T GET DIVORCED.

THEY STAY TOGETHERTHROUGH ANGER AND HATRED

AND FESTERING MISERYJUST LIKE GOD INTENDED.

BUT ME, DID I MENTIONI MARRIED A WOMAN?

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THATSTRAIGHT RIGHT OUT FRONT.

I LOVE WOMEN.

WOMEN ARE PROBABLYTHE NUMBER ONE REASON

WHY I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL TODAY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I HAD SEX WITH ONE GUY,BUT I NEEDED A RIDE REAL BAD.

I'M TEASING, I'M KIDDING YOUFOLKS, I DIDN'T NEED THE RIDE.

SEE, WHAT HAPPENED...

( applause )

EVERY TIME I SEEA GUY KISS ANOTHER GUY

I FIGURE WHAT THE HELL,TWO MORE CHICKS FOR ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLAP.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE HERE,THAT'S ENOUGH.

BECAUSE PEOPLE THINKCOMEDIANS ARE ALWAYS HAPPY.

♪ THERE'S A BLUEBIRDON MY SHOULDER. ♪

( imitates gunshot )

GET OFF MY SHOULDER.

WE ALL HAVE GOOD DAYSAND BAD DAYS.

WHENEVER I HAVEA REALLY BAD DAY

I DON'T TAKE IT OUTON NICE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

WHAT I DO IS I GET A BOTTLEOF WHISKY, GO TO A CEMETERY

WALK AROUND, DRINK IT

SAY, "I'M DOING BETTERTHAN EVERYBODY HERE."

MY WIFE WANTS TO HAVE KIDS NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M GOING,"OH, COME ON."

I MEAN, I LOVE CHILDREN,BUT BRING THEM INTO THIS WORLD?

IS THAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

AND IF WE DO BRING THEM IN

SHOULD WE TELL THEMHOW BAD THE PLANET IS

ABOUT THE OZONE AND EVERYTHING?

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE AIR HEREIN LOS ANGELES IS SO BAD

THAT THE KIDS IN THISPART OF THE WORLD HAVE

A THIRD LESS LUNG CAPACITY?

ARE YOU AWARE OF THIS?

HAVE YOU BEEN TOA KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?

THEY CAN'T EVEN BLOWOUT THE CANDLES.

THEY GO, "AW, THE HELL WITH IT."

"YOU KNOW MY BOY, WHEEZER.

HE'S GOING TO RUN THE TEN-YARDDASH IN THE NEXT OLYMPICS."

BUT MY PARENTS WERE WONDERFULPEOPLE, BUT THEY LIED TO ME.

THEY SAID THINGS LIKE, "YOU CANBE WHATEVER YOU WANT IN LIFE."

DID YOUR FOLKSEVER TELL YOU THAT?

LYING-- NICE PEOPLE, BUT LIARS.

EXCEPT DAN QUAYLE'S PARENTS,THEY WEREN'T LYING.

BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IN LIFE?

MY GOD, YOU KNOWWHAT I WANTED TO BE?

I WANTED TO BE A BANKER.

ANY BANKERS HERE?

NO, THEY'RE NEVER OUT.

BANKERS ARE HOMECOUNTING YOUR MONEY.

THIS IS THE JOB I WANTED.

I WANTED TO BE IN THE BIG BANK

WITH THE BIG CIGAR,WAY IN THE BACK.

PEOPLE COME IN,"CAN WE HAVE A LOAN?"

AND I GO, "NO, SCREW,GET OUT, NEXT."

BUT ALL THOSE JOBS WERE TAKEN.

AND I BECAME A COMEDIAN FORONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY--

I SUCK AT MATH.

I FIGURED, HEY, YOU HADTO BE GOOD AT MATH

TO BE A BANKER, RIGHT?

WRONG! HAVE YOU SEENTHIS S&L CRISIS?

( laughter )

IT'S GOING TO COST US$200 BILLION, $300 BILLION

MAKE IT $600 BILLION.

WE DON'T GIVE A S--T.

NONE OF THAT MONEY WAS OURS.

ANY OF YOU PEOPLE AFFECTEDBY THE S&L CRISIS?

NO, THESE WERE ALL THE PEOPLEWHO WERE DOING BETTER THAN US

SAYING, "OH, I GOT THIS,I GOT A NEW HOUSE..."

YOU GOT NOTHING NOW-- GETAT THE BACK OF THE LINE.

ME? I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO BE RICH AND FAMOUS.

THE ONLY THING HOLDING MEBACK IS THE MONEY

BUT I SAID, "I'M NOT GOINGTO LET THAT STOP ME."

AND THEN WHENI THOUGHT ABOUT IT--

"REALLY, DAD?"

"WHATEVER YOU WANT."

I WANTED TO BEAN ASTRONAUT.

DID ANYBODY WANT THAT?

ANYBODY AT ALL?

DID YOU REALLY, SIR?

DID YOU APPLY FOR THE JOB?

NO, YOU JUST GET UPONE DAY AT LUNCH

SAID, "AH, IT AIN'THAPPENING, FORGET IT."

YOU WOULD HAVE BEENA GOOD ASTRONAUT.

IS THIS YOUR DATE?

GOOD-LOOKING COUPLE.

IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED ANDHAVE KIDS, YOU'D HAVE NICE KIDS.

BELIEVE ME, I'M AN HONEST GUY.

I SAW THESE TWO UGLY PEOPLE.

I SAID, "HEY, YOU'RE NOTGOING TO HAVE ANY KIDS?"

YOU GOT TO THINK AHEAD.

BUT IT WAS JUST ME AND YOU.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THATWANTED TO BE ASTRONAUTS

WE STILL COULDN'T GET THE JOB.

I STOLE MY FATHER'S CAR,DROVE DOWN TO CAPE KENNEDY.

I SAID, "MY NAME'S LENNY CLARKE.

"I JUST GOT OUT OF COLLEGE.

"I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DOWITH MY LIFE.

I'M READY TO BE PROPELLED UPINTO OUTER SPACE."

THEY LAUGHED AND SAID,"WE CAN'T USE YOU.

YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED."

"YOU'RE SENDING MONKEYS ANDCHICKENS AND COWS UP THERE.

I'M NOT QUALIFIED?"

"SECURITY, SECURITY."

I HAD TO THINK FAST

SO I STOOD ON MY HEADAND I MIXED SOME TANG

JUST TO SHOW THEMI KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING.

NOW, I NEVER GOT THE JOB.

BUT I'M GLAD NOW.

I MEAN, THINK OF IT.

WE ARE SPENDINGBILLIONS OF DOLLARS

TO GO TO OUTER SPACE FOR WHAT?

WHAT DO WE COME BACK WITH?

MOON ROCKS--HAS THAT HELPED ANYBODY?

THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE GOING

"OOH, I HOPE WE GETA MOON ROCK NEXT TRIP."

THEY SPENT $5 BILLIONON THIS HUBBLE TELESCOPE.

COST OVERRUNS, UP TO $6 BILLION.

SOME GUY NAMED ERNIEGETS DRUNK AT LUNCH

PUTS IT, CRACKS THE LENS UP.

"YEAH, IT'S READY TO GO."

THEY SEND IT UP.

NOW IT'S NOT WORKING.

THEY SAY, "WELL,THE LENS IS CRACKED

"AND IT'S GOING TO COST US

ANOTHER $3 MILLIONAND FOUR MORE YEARS."

$3 MILLION AND FOUR YEARSTO FIX A CRACKED LENS?

HAVEN'T THESE PEOPLE EVERHEARD OF LENSCRAFTERS?

AM I THE ONLY ONETHAT WATCHES TV?

I THINK IF WE TAKETHIS $25 BILLION

AND PUT IT INTO SOME MONEYFOR THE HOMELESS PEOPLE--

THEY'RE THE ONESWHO GOT IT TOUGH.

WE JUST GET THROUGHSOME RAINY SEASON--

HOMELESS PEOPLEBEING WASHED AWAY.

"OH, WELL, WE CAN'T SHOW THAT."

WHAT DO YOU MEANWE CAN'T SHOW THAT?

THESE WERE OUR PEOPLE.

TAKE A LOOK AT ME.

YOU AT HOME, I AMA WHITE AMERICAN MALE.

ACCORDING TOTHE LOS ANGELES TIMES

IN FIVE YEARS, I'LL BEA MINORITY IN THIS COUNTRY.

I WAS UPSET FOR AWHILE,BUT FIGURE WHAT THE HELL?

FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO GETMONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

I'M GLAD YOU LAUGHED.

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THE BLACK PEOPLE IN THE ROOMARE LAUGHING.

THIS IS NO BLACK/WHITE SLAM.

MAYBE BLACKS AND WHITES HADTROUBLE BEFORE IN THIS COUNTRY

BUT NEVER HAVE WE NEEDEDEACH OTHER MORE.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONESWHO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH.

THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M SAYING.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINSTFOREIGN PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT ONE THINGAGAINST FOREIGN PEOPLE.

WHY SHOULD I LIE? WE'RE ON TV.

IT'S THE LOTTERY.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY MONEY.

IF I SEE ONE MORE HINDU GUYHIT FOR $10 MILLION

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST...

I USED TO FIGHT WITH MY EX

AND I USED TO ACTUALLYHAVE TO FIND, LIKE, CAFES

THAT HAD NERF UTENSILS,WHICH WAS SAD, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING ARGUING.

BUT WHEN YOUR EX-- SHE WAS MY EX

BUT WHEN WE DID A BOLO PUNCHDURING AN ARGUMENT, YOU KNOW?

AND CHEATING IS IT,THAT'S THE END.

I DON'T MIND ARGUING,HAVING PROBLEMS

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

LIFE IS SHORTAND YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.

BUT I MEAN, SHE CHEATED ON ME.

THAT WAS IT, BOTTOM LINE.

TIME OUT, IT'S OVER,I'M OUT OF HERE.

I MEAN, 4:00 IN THE MORNING,I'M HOME ALONE.

SHE COMES IN, "WHERE WERE YOU?"

I CAN SEE IF SHE SAID, "I'MWORKING WITH MOTHER TERESA."

SOMETHING LIKE THAT,THAT'S COOL.

SHE SAYS, "I WAS SEAL HUNTING."

COME ON, "I'M SEAL HUNTING"?

THEN SHE GOT UNDRESSED,WE GOT INTO BED.

SHE HAD SCRATCH MARKSON HER BACK.

I SAID, "COME ON,WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

"COME ON, LET ME GET OUTOF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

"WHAT ARE THESE MARKS?

BE HONEST, BE HONEST, MAN."

SHE SAYS, "I FELL ON A RAKE."

I MEAN, COME ON.

( laughter )

BUT I'LL BE FINE.

I'M GOING TO SANTA FE.

IT'S VERY NICE.

SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO, IF YOUDON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS...

I THINK IT'S CALLED"THE WOUNDED JEW RETREAT."

IT'S VERY HIP.

WE HAD TO RESORT TO COOL WHIP

AND I'VE NEVERNOTICED THIS BEFORE--

ON A BOWL OF COOL WHIP,THERE'S AN 800 NUMBER.

"ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTSCALL THIS NUMBER."

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT IS

"OH, MAN, WHO'S THE GUYTHAT HAS TO ANSWER THIS PHONE?"

THAT'S HIS JOB.

THE COOL WHIP HOTLINE GUY.

HOW BUSY CAN THIS GUY GET?

"HELLO, COOL WHIP,JUST A SECOND.

"COOL WHIP, COULDYOU HOLD PLEASE?

"IS JOHN BACK FROM HIS BREAK?

I'M SWAMPED, I'M LIGHTINGUP HERE-- COOL WHIP!"

IT'S AN 800 NUMBER.

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO CALLBECAUSE IT'S FREE.

HELLO, COOL WHIP?

HOW YOU DOING?

( laughter )

IT'S THE COOL WHIP GUY, MAN.

WHAT? I TOLD YOU.

GO PICK UP THE PHONE.

YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION.

I'M NAKED AND HOW LONG DOI WAIT BEFORE THAT THAWS?

WHOA, I'LL PUT A ROBE ON,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

A SCARY THOUGHT IS, ARE PEOPLEUSING THE NUMBER WITH PROBLEMS?

OH, GOD.

HE'S NOT THERE.

COOL WHIP?

REALLY?

OH, BOY, WHERE DO I START?

WE JUST FINISHED A PARTY.

WE ATE DINNER.

OKAY, WE HAVE PIE.

WE'RE GOING TO SERVE ITAND THE COOL WHIP IS OPEN

AND IT'S NEXT TO THE PIE.

WHAT DO I DO?

( laughter )

WHAT? OKAY.

HONEY? SPOON IT OUT.

YES... OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU SPOON IT OUT,PUT THAT ON TOP OF THE PIE.

THE COOL WHIP.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

YOU TALK TO HIM.

HOW MANY CRANK CALLS DOESTHE COOL WHIP GUY GET?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I CALLED, I COULDN'T RESIST.

HOW YOU DOING?

YEAH, I OPENED UPA BOWL OF COOL WHIP.

VERY SERIOUS QUESTION.

IS ANYBODY OVER THEREMISSING A TOE?

( laughter )

HELLO? HELLO?

PLEASE, STILL MAKE CRANK CALLS.

STILL DO PRACTICAL JOKES,IT KEEPS YOU ALIVE.

WHEN THAT MOVIE MY LEFT FOOT CAME OUT

I HAD TO CALL THE THEATER.

HI, HOW LONG IS MY LEFT FOOT?

( laughter )

NO, 10 1/2.

YES!

IT'S STUPID, BUT I DO IT.

IN FACT, I WISH I WASA PSYCHIATRIST FOR A DAY

JUST TO DO THIS JOKE.

HAVE THE PATIENT COME IN--

"DOCTOR, WHEN I'M OUTWITH MY FRIENDS

"AND I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME,IT'S COOL.

"SOON AS I GET HOME BY MYSELF

"I JUST FEEL LIKETHE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN

AND I CAN'T BREATHE."

THEN I WOULD SAY,"YOU ARE SO CREEPY, GOD."

"BUT YOU'RE A DOCTOR."

"YEAH, BUT THAT'S WEIRD."

LET ME GIVE YOUA PRACTICAL JOKE.

IT'S WHEN YOU LEAVE ANDYOU'RE GOING TO YOUR CAR

AND THE FRIENDS YOUCAME WITH TO DINNER

ARE GOING TO THEIR CAR

AND YOU'RE SEPARATINGIN THE PARKING LOT

GETTING FURTHERAND FURTHER AWAY.

TALK GIBBERISH TO YOUR FRIENDS.

SEE HOW MANY TIMES YOU CANMAKE YOUR FRIENDS SAY, "WHAT?"

THEY NEVER KNOW.

BOB... LATER...

OH, TOMORROW YOU CAN TAKE LINDAOVER WITH YOU OVER SIMILAD.

WHAT?

TOMORROW ARE YOU TAKING LINDA

BECAUSE I'M MAKING SUREJOHN'S GOT THE DELLA

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COLLAT.

WHAT?

ARE YOU TAKING LINDA

TO THE DELLAN CADE ORRINMOCHIN SAY LAN FOLE?

( applause )

YEAH.

DOESN'T SEAN PENN HAVE THAT FACE

LIKE HE'S LOOKING AT A MENUAND HATES THE FOOD?

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE...

( laughter )

ACTUALLY, WITHA LITTLE ADJUSTMENT

YOU CAN GO FROM SEAN PENN'S FACERIGHT INTO ROBERT DE NIRO'S.

WITH A LITTLE ADJUSTMENT,LET ME SHOW YOU.

( laughter )

( in De Niro accent: )"THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP."

MY FRIENDS IN NEW YORKTALK LIKE DE NIRO.

THEY HAVE THAT WHOLENEW YORK ACCENT.

NOT TO STEREOTYPE THEM,BUT VERY AGGRESSIVE GUYS.

THIS IS THEIR ADVICETO ME ON WOMEN.

( with New York accent: )HEY, MARK, WHAT AREYOU DOING, MAN?

WHAT ARE YOU,STUPID OR SOMETHING?

YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHING?

YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU LET HERPUSH YOU AROUND LIKE THAT?

DO WHAT I DO, I TELL MY BABE

I SAY, "HEY, I'M THE MAN,YOU'RE THE WOO-MAN."

WOO, AS IN WOO-WOO,SHUT UP, WOO.

AND A LOT OF GUYS WON'TLAUGH AT THAT JOKE.

A LOT OF GUYS LAUGH LIKE THIS

"HONEY, THAT WASPRETTY... STUPID."

GUYS, IF YOU'RE ON A DATE

YOUR WHOLE GOAL ON THE DATEIS DON'T MAKE HER MAD.

YOU GET NOTHING.

WOMEN CONTROL THE DATE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THE DATE'SGOING UNTIL THE VERY END.

THEN THE WOMEN LET YOU KNOWBASED ON THE HUG YOU GET.

DID YOU EVER GET THAT HUG

YOU KNOW YOU'LLNEVER SEE HER AGAIN?

YOU KNOW THIS FAMOUS HUG,IT'S LIKE.

( laughter )

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE SAYING

"OH, YOU'LL HAVE SEXSOME OTHER NIGHT.

WITH SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU."

I THINK WOMEN SHOULDHAVE A CAR ALARM

THAT MAKES A SOUND THAT STOPSMEN FROM BREAKING IN.

MAKES A SOUND MEN CAN'T STAND.

A GUY BREAKS IN, HE HEARS..."TSK."

THAT IS THE WORST SOUNDI'VE EVER HEARD.

I CAN'T EVEN DO IT RIGHT.

LADIES, DO IT RIGHT NOW.

Audience:TSK!

OOH, I FELT LIKE SONNYIN THE GODFATHE ON THAT.

DO IT AGAIN, GO.

Audience:TSK!

( laughter )

ISN'T IT FUNNY TO THINK OFWHO YOU'VE DATED IN YOUR LIFE?

RIGHT NOW, THINK OF THE PEOPLEYOU'VE DATED IN YOUR PAST.

OOH.

THE MOST UNUSUAL PERSONI EVER DATED WAS A COP.

SHE WAS A POLICEWOMAN.

THE FIRST NIGHT IN BED

SHE GOES, "DO YOU HAVEANY PROTECTION?"

I SAID, "YOU."

( laughter )

I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

IT'S GOING REALLY WELL.

I'M CROSSING MY FINGERS.

THE RELATIONSHIP'S GREAT,SEX IS GREAT.

MY FRIEND SAID, "WAIT, YOU'VEHAD SEX OUT OF WEDLOCK?"

I SAID, "OH, NO, SHE'S MARRIED."

NONE OF THAT, BUDDY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHO'SIN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

THE NEIGHBOR THATLIVES BEHIND ME.

GAIL.

SHE LIVES BEHIND ME.

GAIL'S BEDROOM WALLIS RIGHT BEHIND MINE.

GAIL HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND.

AND HIS NAME IS...( screaming ) TOM!

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