Peyote it Forward

  • Season 5, Ep 12
  • 04/01/2015

The guys accept a babysitting gig without realizing that Adam has dosed their smoothies with peyote.

Hundreds, differentcolors and sizes.

Hey, Alice, so...

we found this kid,and he didn't have a leash,

and we don't know the lasttime he's been let out to poop,

so we don't knowwhere he came from.

(Adam)I mean, we have a guessas to whose it is.

I lost my virginitywhen I was 17 years old,

and I'm not proud of that.I should have been at least

14 or 15, but...

I mean, I thinkthe math works out

that this could bemy child.

- He's mine.- Oh.

Leave this kid alonefor five goddamn seconds,

he gets intoall kinds of trouble.

- [chuckling]- Yeah. God damn it.

Uh, guys,this is Mr. Gainey.

He's from Stock Surplus.

He's here to buy upall those old mirrors

that you couldn't sell.

- Remember those?- It's tough to sell mirrors

- over the phone.- Well, this is his son Josh,

who Jillian is supposedto be watching.

- Jillian!- What's up?

I'm just hanging outwith Josh.

Hey, Josh!Why'd you disappear, huh?

Don't you want to playwith the worms?

Huh? Come on, the wormsare our friends.

This is Carla, and that'sher ex-husband Roddy...

I don't want to playwith her--she sucks!

- Hey! Hey! Watch your mouth![guys giggling]

Okay? We don't usethe S-word.

Jeff lets me say itat Mom's house.

Jeff is an idiottennis instructor.

And does this look likeyour mom's house?

- I wanna play with them!- Ow!

- Oh, yeah.- Do you mind?

He's just gonna whineand whine until he gets his way.

Kinda like his motherin that way.

Yeah, look, um,I just think

it's probably a better idea

- if he stays with Jillian.- Yes.

No. Alice, it's mine.I get to keep it.

What? Why?Why can't we watch him?

- Because--- Well, because we're...dumb.

And we're irresponsible andwe're idiots and we're stupid.

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactlyright, Adam--thanks.

Hang on a second.Uh...I'm sorry.

I think we can handleone little dude.

Right? I mean, uh...

When I was a lifeguard,I...

Well, unfortunately, that'sprobably not the best example.

(Josh) I wanna go with them.(Ders) Yes.

- I like them.- Yeah!

Would it be okay?

Yeah, sure.That's fine.

- Perfect!- Alice, take this one out.

He's quiet and little.

I named him Waymond Wormano.

You--no!

- I like kids.(Ders) Yeah.

What the--my strawberry Surf Rider!

(Adam)Do not drink the floor smoothie!

Don't--get up, get up,get up, get up.

You've been Bill Cosby'd.You've been Bill Cosby'd.

I Bill Cosby'd myself.

But instead of, like,a date rape drug,

it's, like...I putpeyote in the smoothies.

What? Why?

There he is!

Oh...oh...what's...happening?

It's kicking in.

Here it comes!(voices echoing) Peyote!

[all moaning]

[shrill scream]What?

Oh--God!

- Oh...- Just--we gotta go,

- we gotta go, we gotta go!Go...

[eerie music]

What's happening?

[crash](both) Oh!

- Oh!- Oh, my God!

Oh! I'm okay!

(Blake)Okay, are youall right?

Oh! Oh, it's a black hole!

- Oh...- No!

- Oh!- No!

Oh. Oh, God.Come on!

Wait, no, no, wait--

Oh!

[guys groaning, whimpering]

[Adam, echoing]It's pretty normal now!

[Ders, distorted]It's kind of fun!

Oh...

- Oh--- There he is.

Hey! You can't justrun off like that, okay?

You can get killedrunning down that hallway.

I'm just bored--I want usto all color together!

Uh...

Hey, it's almost lunchtime.

We gotta get out of here now,man, go somewhere quiet

where we can be alone.

(Ders)I know just the place

where no one goes...

- the office gym.- Good call.

We'll put thislittle dude on the elliptical,

tucker him out,and then we'll just wait

for the peyote to wear off.

- Okay.- Someone make a copy

of my coloring bookso we can all color together.

- Okay, we'll do that. First--- Hey!

Listen to me!

[sound slowing down]

[voice echoing]I said I want us

to color together...now!

- Yeah, whatever you want, man.- If you want to color,

- we'll color.- Adam, go make some copies

of the coloring book,and Blake,

go find some markersand pens, right?

And since I'm the tallest,

I guess I'll takethe giant to the gym.

Waaahhh!

Squawk, squawk, squawk!Let me outta this cage!

- Anders!- Squawk!

Anders, stop it!

Hi. I was...

a bird!There was a zookeeper.

He shot me, and heput me in this cage.

- Just shut up right now!- Wait a minute!

Where--where--where's the kid?Where's, uh, J-Jash?

The kid, he...went to his office.

That door.Which is a closet.

Hey, how is it going?

Is everything okaywith the kid?

- [laughs]- Yeah...

Yeah, it's great.- Yes.

This kid is so fullof energy.

(Blake)It's like,makes me feel young again.

Oh, kids.Oh, man.

They are so much funwhen they're that age.

- Yeah.- When they're...[mutters]

- Four?- No.

Yeah, he's eight.So where the hell is he?

Uh, he's...

- He's hiding.- Yeah.

He's--shh.

We're playinghide and seek,

and he's in that closet,so everything's...

That door goes outto the parking lot,

you lunatics!Go find him!

- Is it time?- Seek time!

- It's seek time![overlapping chatter]

I got it, I got it.

Ha ha.

- Ha ha ha ha!(Ders) Just grab it, man.

It's too fast, Alice.

(Gainey)Alice, are we goingto your office?

Uh, yep, I'll beright there, Dave.

I got it!I got it!

I got it, it's--The door, see?

I have it, then we're gonnago walk outside of it.

Get...him...

[roaring]nooooow!

(Blake)Gosh!

Okay!

Whoa!

(Ders)There he is.

Okay, uh, yeah.

I guess we should tryto jump over to that island?

(Adam)No way, it's too far.We're not gonna make it.

[voice distorted]Let's just go back, okay?

Good call, man.Good call.

[distorted]Son of a b...ackdoor's gone!

The back door's gone!

- Yep.- I wanna go back.

Guys, we can at leasttry and make this jump, right?

Yeah. Heck, yeah.We got this, dude.

Psych up.Psych up, bro, we got this!

On three, on three!One...

two, three!I'm going!

- I'm going! No--(both) Aah!

[all screaming, muttering]

Hey! Get off that!

- Oh, shoot.- Hey,

we're tripping on peyote,so what can you do, you know?

Get the [bleep]out of my cement.

- You got it, you got it.- Yep. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, over there.Come on.

Whoo! Michael Keaton should beeatin' a bat,

'cause I'm the real Birdman!

[trilling]

You're a zoo bird!

And it's time for youto go back in your cage!

What? No, but I feelso free up here!

I'm the zookeeper,and I said

get back in your cage.

But you said I could fly!You said I could be free!

Squawk, squawk!

You belong to the zoo!

Oh!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

[distorted voice]Freakin' bird brains!

[trombone playing]

And there's a duderight there, isn't there?

Yeah, Trombone Adam,you are good!

Do you know anyMatchbox Twenty?

That's not my bag.

I dig jazz.

You still play?

I don't, actually.I stopped in the eighth grade.

I was gettin' pretty serious atmasturbating at the time, so...

Understandable.

I guess I only had timefor...one bone in my life.

How 'bout you playmy bone, baby?

Heh heh heh heh!

Okay, yeah...

I'll toot your bone.[laughs]

Come with me...to New Orleans.

[When the Saints Go Marching In playing]

Play with meand the boys.

I tell ya what.

You make some seriousbread!

You guys make bread too?

You a [bleep] idiot.

- Pffttt-ffftt--pffftt--- Hey!

Are you done?

Yes. I am done, I...[laughing]

Oh, man.

Ooh, baby!

I can do whateverI want, man.

I got dirt on everybody.

Old, wrinkly, tightbutthole is what you are.

[holding in smoke]Here. Take a rip.

Wow, man.

I'm so proud of you.

You got it allfigured out, man!

- I do.- That's what I'm talking about!

So like...

Like...likewhat's the secret?

Well, it all started whenJoe Rogan became President

of the...aaaahhhhhhh!

Aah! Aah!

What are you--what are you doing?

That thing was aboutto burn your face off.

Oh...

And if you everlet my wife chorg you,

I'll have your headon a stick!

Hey, what's chorg?