Monday, September 26, 2016

  • 09/26/2016

Co-host Kato Kaelin revisits the 90s with Margaret Cho, Jaleel White and Emo Philips to toast Donald Trump, sum up the #90sIn5Words and list music video facts with Lisa Loeb.

(cheers and applause)

Ow! Ow! Spank me once,shame at you.

Spank me twice,now we're talking.

Clinton and Trumpare at it again.

The apple doesn't fall farfrom the PC.

And damn it, Janet,Animal Planet.

Holy moly, it's @midnight!

(applause and cheering)

I'm struggling actorKato Kaelin.

And now, here's your host,

a man whose tips are so frosted,

you'd think they were flakes!

Chris Hardwick!Chris Hardwick!

(applause and cheering)

What's happening?

What's up? Yeah.

(applause and cheering)

-All right!-(Kaelin whoops)


(cheers and applause)

All right.

Thank you, Kato Kaelin.All right.

Welcome to @midnight, the show

(dramatically): that willgo down on you in a theater.

-(applause and cheering)-Now,

let's see what's going onin the chat room.

-Chat room.-(high-pitched modem beeps)


(beep, static)


-All right.-(cheers and applause)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you get all of that.

Well, Clinton and Trumpare at it again. Yeah.

Donald "Second Marriage" Trumpis saying

the affair that President Bill"Ruin Marriage" Clinton had

with Monica Lewinsky would palein comparison

to the multiple affairs he wouldhave if he were president.

There he is.The tangerine dreamboat

told CNBCthat he'd be even sleazier.

Take a look!

-(laughter) -Yes!-Did he just...?

-Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

(Kaelin whoops)

Hillary Clinton herself,a woman, had this response.

My mama always told me

the White House is like a boxof chocolates.

It's pretty on the outside,

but inside,there's lots of nuts.


-Hee Haw. -Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

It's Hee Haw.

They got very excitedabout that.

KAELIN:I... I...

She could be president some day,

maybe after,like, a black guy. Uh...

-(laughter and groaning)-KAELIN: No way. No way.

Personal animus aside,

politicians and corporatebillionaires go together

like cigars and Oval Offices.

I'm sure the Trumps and Clintonsrun into each other

socially all the time.

So, comedians, what's a toast

Hillary Clinton might maketo Donald Trump?

Emo Philips.

Roses are red.Violets are blue.

You are so, so, so lucky

nothing rhymes with orange.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yes.

Very good.Points to Emo Philips.

(applause and cheering)

Wish we had a system to keeptrack of that, but we don't.

Uh, Margaret Cho.

To Donald Trump,

the nicest, least racist manI've ever met.

HARDWICK:Yes. Excellent. Points.

(applause and cheering)

Jaleel White.

Donald Trump,here is to your daughter.

Now she's pretty hot,but just a reminder,

just because she's 18,

it's still illegalto (bleep) your daughter.

HARDWICK:All right.

-Oh.-(cheers and applause)

-You get points for that.-Salud!

Points for that.

And now, everyone, it's timefor tonight's #PoundSignWars.

(cheering, applause)


this is the part of the showwhere you, the audience,

can join in on the "fun,"end quote,

by faxing us your jokes.

Just make sureyou put the pound sign...

or... or octothorp,

as I'm sure it will bewidely known in the future,

uh, just put that in front sowe can keep your jokes separate

from all of Kato's fan mail.

Uh, Jack Sr.,what is that fax number again

for the home audience?

There it is!323.978.6608.

It actually works.Fax us your jokes.

Hey, guys, it's the '90s!

This is the most technologicallyadvanced decade of all time.

I'm talkin' laser disks,I'm talkin' pagers,

I'm talkin' over 150 Web sites,

only half of whichare under repair.

-Life moves... really fast-(laughter)

in the ageof the 72-hour news cycle

and the three-day Blockbusterrentals-- be kind, rewind--

so I want you to describethis fantastic decade

in only five words.

You have 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Emo.-We're happy paying for music.

-Points!-(laughter, whooping)

Anyone else?

Jaleel White.

Britney and Justin broke up?(sobbing)

-Points.-(audience aw'ing)

They'll work it out.



"Al-Qaeda planning to..."

-Eh.-All right, points.


Golden Girls are so young.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)


Everyone still loves Bill Cosby.

-Points. Yeah. Absolutely.-(groaning, shouting)

-I mean...-(applause) -WHITE: Yeah!

I don't...

He is the king.

I mean, he'd have to dosomething horrific

to numerous people...

-(laughter) -Right?-to ever fall out of favor

with the American people.

Come on, man, we lovethem Pudding Pops forever.

Yeah, that's right!It's the best!

Uh, Emo.

Photos back?

In one hour?

-Points. Points.-(laughter)

Anyone else? Margaret Cho.

Screech is waving a knife.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

Anyone else?

I will never win a Heisman.


KAELIN:I don't know. I won't.

-I don't play football.-But I think I know someone

-who could steal one for you.-(shouting, groaning)

It's time to playPop Up (bleep)-eo.

Here to tell you all about it

is LensCrafters'Entertainer of the Year,

Lisa Loeb!

-♪ -(cheering)

-Hey, Lisa.-Hi.

-(cheering, whistling)-Hi.

-Nice to see you.-You, too. You know,

as you all know,it is currently the '90s,

and it's a great time for music.

Not only are David Bowieand Prince still alive,

-(laughter) -but we've gotamazing current bands

churning outsoon-to-be classic songs.

Godsmack, Ace of Base,

Hootie & the Blowfish,

-Hanson, Creed,-(whooping)

Phish with a P-H,

-and Korn with a K.-Yeah!

-(cheering) -They're alldefinitely not embarrassing,

and without a doubtwill hold up in 2016.

-Mm-hmm. -Which isa random year I picked.

-Totally. -Um, somethingthat's also big in the '90s,

there's this new showcalled Pop-Up Video,

-Yeah, it's so good!-uh, where facts pop up

during music videos.

-Mm-hmm. -Comedians,we will show you a video

from this decade, um,that we're in right now,

and you're goingto tell me a fact

that would pop up during it.

Great. Thank you so much,Lisa Loeb.

Do you want to date fora couple months in a few years?

-Sure. I mean, that's somethingwe'll really do. -Okay.

-And then people will be ableto look it up. -Yeah, cool.

-Thanks. I'll see you then.-(cheering, applause)

-Thank you, Lisa Loeb.-Yeah.

(whooping, cheering)

First up, from America'shottest sitcom Blossom,

here's heartthrob Joey Lawrence

with "Nothin'My Love Can't Fix."

♪ This is the way

♪ To turn your world around

♪ We all get lonely

♪ But if you just hold me

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There's nothingmy love can't fix. ♪


I mean...

Comedians, what is this pop uptelling us?


This is best enjoyedwith a puka shell necklace

-around your balls.-Yes, points.


If you have any information

about this boy'sdisappearance...

Points to Emo Philips.

Let's see whatthe actual fact is.

The pop up video fact is:

"During production Joey Lawrence

literally fingeredhundreds of interns."


Uh... Whoa! Uh...

Next up, the sexy, sexy hitsjust keep on coming.

Here's Kenny G.

Oh, I tell you.

He is the pied piperof pussy, you guys.


(cheering, applause)

What is this factabout this video?


The reed in his mouthpiece

is from the actual cross.

All right, points.

Points. Uh...


This video provesthat whites are the worst race.

All right, points.


Jaleel White.

The sax is the same length,

width and smoothness

as Kenny's dick.

All right, points.

Women talk.Women talk. Women talk.


Uh, let's see what the imageactually says.

It says, "The G stands for'G-esus Christ, this sucks!'"

Why are we listening to this?

Very good. Next up...

Here's Ecuador's own Gerardowith Rico Suave.

He needs no introduction.

♪ Rico

♪ Suave

♪ My only addiction has to dowith the female species ♪

♪ I eat 'em raw like sushi

Ah, my gosh,

what a terrible decade this is.

Comedians, what's the pop upfact? Jaleel.

Rico Suave is actuallySpanish for "gonarrhea."

All right, points.

Margaret Cho.

He's impotent from overwaxing.