Tuesday, July 21, 2015

  • 07/21/2015

Alice Wetterlund, Randall Park and Hari Kondabolu celebrate Handjob Day, rock out to #BabyJams and endorse eccentric politicians.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH"

IF YOU FREQUENT KOTAKU ASMUCH AS WE DO YOU KNOW THE

JAPANESE JACK IT TO SOME WEIRDSTUFF: VENDED UNDERPANTS, ROBOT

BEARS, CHRISHARDWICK-INSPIRED ANIME.

BUT DID YOU KNOW THEY ALSO JERKOFF INTO WEIRD STUFF?

YES, THE JAPANESE SEX TOYCOMPANY TENGA HAS DECLARED

JULY 21st THE DAY OF THEHANDJOB.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OH.

THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE A GUYBEATING OFF INTO A PEPPER

GRINDER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

I THINK THERE'S A LANGUAGEBARRIER.

FIRST I WOULDN'T SAY I GOT AHANDJOB FROM A DUDE NAMED ME.

>> YOU SHOULD SAY THAT, THAT'SAWESOME.

>> Chris: WHEN THEY SAY HANDJOBWE CALL IT MASTURBATION,

WHEREAS, IN JAPAN, WHEN SOMEONEELSE DOES IT TO YOU

IT'S JUST BEING ON THE SUBWAY.

HANDJOB DAY EVEN HAS A MASCOTNAMED TENGAMAN.

BASICALLY IT'S JUST A JERKOFFPOWER RANGER WHOSE ONLY

WEAKNESS IS CARPAL TUNNELSYNDROME

AND A ROOMMATE WITH ANUNPREDICTABLE SCHEDULE.

WATCH HIM BEAT OFF SEVERALATTACKERS AT ONCE.

[LAUGHING]>> I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SHOW

I'M STILL PROUD OF MY ASIANHERITAGE.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YOU -- YOU'RE NOT

JAPANESE THOUGH.

>> IT'S...YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHING]>> YA, I MEAN I DON'T MIND.

IT'S LIKE I NEVER MINDED HANDJOBDAY.

I JUST FEEL LIKE IT'S BECOME SOCOMMERCIAL.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ORIGINALTHING, YOU KNOW.

>> Chris: THEY START PUTTING THECARDS IN THE DRUG STORES TWO

WEEKS EARLIER EVERY YEAR.

I FEEL THIS GUY, TENGAMAN,THAT'S A STUPID NAME.

WHAT'S A BETTER NAME?

>> JACK REACHER.

Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

HARI.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK.

Chris: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> THE FANTASTIC FORESKIN.

Chris: IT'S COVERING UP THETHING.

[LAUGHING]>> NICE.

Chris: TO SET UP THE NEXTCLIP ALL I HAVE TO TELL YOU IS

THUG BIRD STEALS JOINT ANDFLIES AWAY!

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: AMAZING.

IT'S A BUMMER WE DON'T SEE WHERETHE BIRD IS FLYING OFF TO. SO

OUR DIGITAL TEAM STEPPED IN ANDIMAGINED WHAT THE BAKED BIRD GOT

UP TO.

♪[LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: IT APPEARS THE BIRD IS

A MAGPIE.

BUT I SUSPECT IT'S AN ENTIRELYNEW SPECIES.

COMEDIANS WHAT IS THIS STRANGENEW BREED OF BIRD CALLED?

>> SNOOP BIRDY BIRD.

Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> THE SMALL LEBOWSKI.

>> WOODY WEEDPECKER.

Chris: WELL PLAYED.

IT'S TIME FOR THE"#HASHTAGWARS."

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: SURRENDER TO THE

HASHTAG WARS.

WHETHER YOU'RE A MOM ON THETHIRD GLASS OF YELLOWTAIL OR THE

CHILD OF NFL WIDE RECEIVER TORYSMITH, SOMETIMES

YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR GROOVE ONESPECIALLY IF IT MEANS JOINING

THE LEGIONS OF PEOPLE ON VINEDOING THE NENE.

WHICH IS THIS.

[LAUGHING]♪

>> Chris: YES.

[ APPLAUSE ]THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES BABIES

THIS HAPPY IS LITERALLYANYTHING.

WE WANT TO KEEP THE PARTY GOINGAND GET THE DANCE FLOOR

INEXPLICABLY STICKY WITH THEHASHTAG #BABYJAMS. EXAMPLES

MIGHT BE "BITCH BETTER HAVE MYCHEERIOS" OR "WOBBLE BY YOUR

MAN" OR "WHEN I THINKABOUT YOU I [BLEEP] MYSELF."

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN. RANDALL.

>> AH, AH AH, AH PEDIALYTE,PEDIALYTE.

>> BABY BJORN TO RUN.

>> POTTY IN THE U.S.A.

>> WOMB THERE IT IS.

>> MY BARF WILL GO ON YOURSHOULDER.

>> BOHEMIAN NAPSODY

>> DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME INTHE CAR.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: HARI.

>> WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE BOOK.

Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONGAND NOW YOU'RE IN JAIL.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY POLI SIGH.

THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ISONLY 15 SHORT MONTHS AWAY.

PUNDITS ARE ALL ABUZZ ABOUTWHICH EMPTY SUIT THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE WILL GRUDGINGLY SELECT TOSTEWARD THE OLIGARCHY TILL

WE REPEAT THIS CHARADE FOURYEARS FROM NOW.

IF THERE'S ONE GOOD THING ABOUTELECTION SEASON, AND THERE'S

NO WAY THERE'S MORE THAN ONE,IT'S OUT-OF-TOUCH POLITICANS

MAKING INEPT, UNINTENTIONALLYHILARIOUS

CAMPAIGN ADS THAT WILL LIVE ONYOUTUBE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

I WILL SHOW YOU AN INSANECAMPAIGN AD FROM A PAST ELECTION

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOUTO GIVE ME YOUR ENDORSEMENT.

FIRST UP, DAN ADLER FLEXES HISPOLITICAL MUSCLE.

>> DAN ADLER GETS [BEEP] DONE.[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: HARI.

>> DAN ADLER: HE [BEEP] ALLTHOSE PEOPLE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS. NEXT ONE, THIS

VIGILANTE IS ENDORSING JOHNMcMILLAN.

>> I'M ENDORSING JOHN McMILLANBECAUSE HE GIVES A RIFF ABOUT

ALABAMA.

I BETTER NOT CATCH ANY THUGS ORCRIMINALS STEALING HIS YARD

SIGNS.

>> Chris: WOW.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE PHRASE"GIVES A RIFF"?

I GUESS IF YOU HAVE A SHOTGUNYOU CAN SAY WHATEVER THE [BEEP]

YOU WANT.

>> JOHN McMILLAN: PARTY LIKEIT'S 1899.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> JOHN McMILLAN: LEGISLATEFIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

NEXT.

THE ALL IMPORTANT RACE FORARLENE'S PARISH CORONER AND

THIS AD SUPPORTING DWIGHTMcKENNA.

>> WE NEED A SPLEEN AND A LIVERFOR TONIGHT'S SALE.

>> YES, DOCTOR MINYARD.

>> SAY NO TO DOCTOR MINYARD ANDYES TO DR. McKENNA.

>> Chris: WHO THE [BEEP] ISDR. MINYARD?

WHY DO WE GIVE A RIFF ABOUT HIM?

>> DWIGHT McKENNA, SOMEONE YOUCAN SPLEEN ON.

>> VOTE DR. McKENNA: HE SWEARSTHEY WERE DEAD WHEN HE GOT THERE

>> Chris: NEXT THIS GUSHING ADFOR JIM SLATTERY.

>> AT KANSANS GET ANGRIER, RICHEXECUTIVES JUST GET RICHER.

WE ARE GETTING HOSED FROMSENATORS LIKE PAT ROBERTS.

>> I NEEDED TO SEE SOMETHING FORJAPANESE JERK OFF DAY.

>> LET JIM FLATTERY SHOWER YOUWITH HIS GOLDEN POLICIES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

MINE WOULD'VE BEEN 'YOU'RE INGOOD HANDS WITH JIM SLATTERY.'

>> POINTS, POINTS.

Chris: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

NEXT ONE.

REMEMBER HERMAN CANE?

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE MADE KOOKYADS?

>> PULL.

>> ANY QUESTIONS.

>> YES.

Chris: GOD DAMN MONSTERS.

>> WHAT?

Chris: HARI.

>> HERMAN CANE: HE'LL DO WHATELMER FUDD COULDN'T.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS PENETRATING AD FOROKLAHOMA DEMOCRAT FOR CONGRESS,

TOM GUILD.

>> WHEN THE GOVERNMENT TAKESAWAY HER RIGHT TO CONTRACEPTION

OR HER RIGHT TO MAKE THOSEDECISIONS THAT'S NOT PERSONAL

FREEDOM. THAT'S LIKE AN OCTOPUSPUTTING ITS TENTACLES IN THE

MOST INTIMATE, PERSONAL AREAS OFA WOMAN'S LIFE.

[LAUGHING]>> NOW I KNOW WE'RE NAUSEOUS

RIGHT NOW.

SO JUST EAT A CRACKER OR HAVESOME SODA WATER.

HE ONLY BLINKED ONE TIME.

>> TOM GUILD: THE ONLY CANDIDATEINTO KINKY OCTOPUS [BEEP]

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> TOM GUILD: CONGRESSMAN,FATHER, SEXUAL PREDATOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> TAKE IT FROM ME, A GUY WHOWAS NEVER EVER WATCHED AN

OCTOPUS [BEEP] A LADY.

>> Chris: IN CASE YOU WEREWONDERING.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN IT.

>> I WOULD VOTE FOR HIMBECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE

MAKE PRO-CHOICE CREEPY.

HE DID IT.

>> Chris: OUR DIGITAL TEAM TOOKIT ONE STEP FURTHER AND MADE

IT SLIGHTLY MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.

LET'S SEE WHAT THEY MADE.>>OCTOPUS, TENTACLES,

INTIMATE, PERSONAL AREAS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YES.

>> PERSONAL AREAS.

BEFORE THE BREAK WE

SHOWED DONALD TRUMP GIVING OUTLINDSEY GRAHAM'S CELLPHONE

NUMBER DURING A SPEECH, AND THATTOTALLY SUCKS.

I ASKED YOU TO IMAGINE YOU FOUNDANOTHER NUMBER ON DONALD'S DESK.

AND GIVE ME THE OUTGOINGMESSAGE YOU HEAR WHEN YOU

CALL THAT NUMBER. HARI, LET'SSTART WITH YOU.

HEY THIS IS SATAN. LEAVE AMESSAGE. IF THIS IS DONALD

TRUMP GIVE ME MY SOUL BACK.

YOU'VE REACHED AGENT ORANGE SELFTANNER-WHOLESALE. ANOTHER

JACUZZI FULL OF CRONZER MR.TRUMP?

JACUZZI FULL OF CRONZER MR.TRUMP?

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

AS WE GO INTO OUR NEXT GAME, THEAA-TEAM.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NOW, YOU KNOW WHEN

YOUR FRIENDS GET DRUNK SOMEDON'T STOP HUGGING YOU AND

OTHERS WANT TO START A FIRE INTHE PARKING LOT AND FIST FIGHT

EVERY STATE TROOPER ATFRIENDLY'S?

ACCORDING TO THESTATE OF MISSOURI UNIVERSITY

THERE ARE FOUR TYPES OF DRUNKS:THE MARY POPPINS, THE ERNEST

HEMINGWAY, THE NUTTY PROFESSORAND THE MR. HYDE.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED THATHEMINGWAY AND MR. HYDE KILLED

THEMSELVES AND MARY POPPINS WASSTABBED IN A PRISON RIOT.

IF YOU KNOW ME I USE TO DRINKALL OF THE ALCOHOL IN THE WORLD

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. AND IF IRECALL THERE ARE ACTUALLY

MORE THAN FOUR KINDS OF DRUNKS.

I WAS THE STAY DRUNK MARSHMALLOWMAN.

THAT'S ME.

>> YOU'RE DRUNK IN THAT PICTURE.

Chris: LOOK AT THAT DOUGHYFACE FULL OF BOOZE AND SHATTERED

DREAMS.

COMEDIANS, GIVE ME AS MANY OTHERTYPES OF DRUNKS AS YOU CAN.

>> THE HUG-A-COP GUY.

>> THE VICE PRESIDENT.

Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> THE RECENT BLOOD DONOR.

Chris: POINTS.

ALICE AGAIN.

>> OKAY.

SANTA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDALL.

>> THE I JUST WALKED IN ON MYPARENTS HAVING SEX.

>> Chris: HARI.

>> THE KEITH RICHARDS.

Chris: RANDALL.

>> THE MY PARENTS WALKED IN ONME HAVING SEX.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> THE GIRL WHO THINKS SHE CANSPEAK SPANISH.

>> Chris: RANDALL.

>> THE I JUST HAD SEX WITH MYPARENTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> THE OVERLY CONFIDENTFREESTYLE RAPPER.

>> Chris: HARI.

>> BILLY RAY CYRUS AFTER HE SAWTHE "WRECKING BALL" VIDEO.

>> Chris: POINTS.