Pulp Comics: Bobcat Goldthwait

  • 12/03/1996

>> I caused a fire on The

Tonight Show, and then I got

fined $3,000, and I had to do

public service announcements,

which I already did.

They made absolutely no sense.

It's like, "Hi, I'm Bobcat

Goldthwait.

If you're ever on a talk show,

don't set it on fire.

Back to you, McGruff."

guns.

That increases the odds of two

rednecks blowing each other's

heads off.

"Why did you shoot me?"

"I thought you were a deer."

"You're just mad

that we broke up."

Happens a lot.

Two hunters are out

in the wilderness.

"I'm cold, Dave. Hold me."

"We must shoot the deer.

He saw us."

Police Academy.

That was a hard day of work.

You know, "Bob, we need you

on the set."

"Oh, I'm coming."

"Action."

Rarrgh!

Arrgh!

Barrrr!

I've seen those movies.

I don't even know

what I'm saying--arrrgh.

What did I say?

Sharon Stone was in one

of the Police Academies.

I doubt very highly that's on

her resumé.

What a hypocritical

wing nut she was.

Sharon Stone came

to my dressing room.

She's, like, going, "Bob, my mom

and dad are coming to the set

today, and I'd appreciate it if

you didn't swear around them."

As if I'm that uncouth, like,

"Hey, how the [...] are you,

Mrs. Stone?

Pull my finger, baby.

Hey, how you doin'?"

But apparently her folks don't

mind if she squats and shows her

vag in a major motion picture.

That's acceptable behavior.

"Have you seen my daughter's

beaver?

Isn't she a good actress?

She's really good.

Look at that.

[laughter and applause]

She's really, really good."

If you see one vagina

this season...

And she goes, "Well, I didn't

realize they were filming

down there."

That was her defense, right?

Like, you know, nothing's

spontaneous in a motion picture.

They would have to, like, get

a gaffer in, and they'd have to

light her vagina.

They'd have to lay down

dolly track.

And "Sparkle."

Maybe--all right, bring it in.

Okay, I'll be the vag.

You do that.

I had no idea they were

filming my penis.

I felt so violated.

Jeez, I hope my parents

enjoy this film.

[laughter and applause]

Thanks.

>> Hey, you'll never guess

where I'm calling you from.

[laughs]

Ohh!

I was with my friend Eric Idle

from Monty Python and his wife,

Tania, and I was with my lovely

wife, Ann, and we were watching

the band, and the Idles are

friends with Mick Jagger,

you know, so Mick comes over

to our table, right?

And, like, a lot of people

would be going, "Oh, my God,

this is so cool.

I'm sitting here with Mick

Jagger," but I'm sitting there

going, "Oh, my God, I wonder if

he heard what I said about him

in Entertainment Weekly."

'Cause they said, "Hey,

you gonna see the Stones?"

And I said, "If I want to watch

an aging queen prance around the

oldies for 2 1/2 hours, I'll run

a Richard Simmons video."

[laughter and applause]

You know, I really would rather

not be talking for a living.

I'd rather be taking a baseball

in the nuts.

I so badly--I would like to make

Chris Farley look like

John Gielgud.

and I didn't actually get

arrested.

I got detained

by the authorities.

I thought I had my money.

I was buying a pack of Rolaids,

and I realized I didn't have my

money, so I put the Rolaids

back, right?

And this security woman,

she saw me, and she was

all over me.

She thought--because she saw me

fishing around for money--she

thought I was stealing them.

I'm not above stealing Rolaids.

That's my point.

It's just that I didn't.

And I'm walking out the door,

and this woman, she stops me,

and she goes, "I saw you steal

a pack of Rolaids."

I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm the

big Rolaid bandit, you wing nut.

I'm living on the edge.

I'm stealing Rolaids.

You might want to get over to

produce; someone's making off

with a whole thing of raisins."

And she said, "Don't be

verbally abusive with me."

And I'm like, "Apparently you're

not familiar with my work,

'cause I've yet to even start

to become verbally abusive."

And so she brought the real cops

in because I wouldn't let her

search me.

What she thought was Rolaids

was this Magic Marker I had

in my pants.

Suddenly I knew my rights.

"You can't search me, man."

So while we're waiting for

the real cop to show up,

I was tormenting her.

It was just a marker in my

pants, but I'm going, "Ooh.

Look at the tasty Rolaids.

Ooh."

And the cops come, and the

cops, you know, they have

no problem searching me.

The cops go--the cops find

the marker, and then she had to

apologize 'cause I could have

sued this place.

And she goes--she goes,

"I'm sorry.

I was just doing my job."

Okay, I'm going to try to clean

this up for television.

And I said, "And that would be

being a runt?"

[laughter and applause]

And then the cops freaked out.

They're going, "We could take

you in for verbal abuse."

And I'm going, "Please do,

you know.

I would really love to meet Otis

and the rest of the gang

here in Mayberry."

suing McDonald's 'cause she got

a condom in her Big Mac.

Right. Yeah.

I think she should get money

for getting grossed out.

You know, that's worth a couple

grand she should get, you know,

for going...

For choking on it,

she shouldn't get a red cent.

I stop eating if there's a piece

of bone in a burger.

What is up with this woman when

she's just, like, wailing

on this burger?

[making chowing-down noises]

"Is your pickle in, like,

a little tiny packet?"

[laughter and applause]

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